Like Father, Like Son.
Tuesday- "Max will not sit for circle time and will not participate at art time, He just does his own thing."
Thursday- "Max kept hitting me, would not sit at circle time."
-"Max bit a friend and broke the skin then hit him repeatedly."
-"He has a hard time keeping his hands to himself."
-"Mr. Dimmock Max pushed a friend over and the boy got a bloody nose."
I can go on but you get the point...
I like that my son is independent I like that he has a will of iron. The other day he was told repeatedly that the pizza he was going to eat was hot and that he should blow on it. We even separated the slices but he just forced it into his mouth anyway and shuttered. He burned his mouth but he kept doing it, even though he was shaking clearly in pain he ate it anyway. I am afraid he has my anger in him, he does not like authority unless he is that authority. Ugggggg I have tried as hard as I can to not yell in front of him, I dont spank him , I tell him I love him and play with him all the time and everyday. It seems like he has learned something from me that I had not intended him to pick up. Every time I yell at someone cutting me off on the highway or clench my jaw when someone says something I dont like he is watching. I keep telling myself that like a mantra "Max is watching".
When I was barely older then he is now, I was told that I could not play with playdoh at daycare. I responded by walking over to the fish tank where our big fat goldfish mascot lived and plucked him out of the water and crushed him in front of the teacher and the class. When they tried to pry his body out of my hands I hit them. They sent me out into a hallway away from the other kids and called my father. When he came to pick me up I cried about how I was so sorry I killed the fish and that I really liked him he was my friend I just hated everyone there. My dad took me home and I was kicked out of daycare.
I wish I could say that things got easier but people get meaner as they get older. I would get teased a lot in school, in response I fought a lot. I learned how far I could go before I would get in real trouble. I was kicked out of an after school program called "fit for all" because I slammed a kid to the ground and tried to rip out his eyes with my thumbs. I probably would have if I was not ripped off of him by the fitness leader. The next year I was pushed while getting off a bus turned around and grabbed the kid by his crotch and neck and slammed him on the ground and stomped on his face and head until a teacher came running. I raised my hands up and went to the principles office willingly. All and all I was suspended 8 times in middle school for fighting and got sent home for evaluation a few times in grade school. Once I got sent home for hiding a knitting needle in my shirt. Word around school was that some kid was mad at me for something and was going to jump me after school with a couple friends. I was planning on using the needle to blind them when they rushed me, I was out of school for two weeks after that.
I used to think that my troubles were due to my home life. The schools never asked about my bruises but they knew I was getting knocked around. The truth was I just never wanted to stand in line, I never wanted to do what I was told. When you stand out you become a target.
Even as an adult I have never stopped fighting. I just stopped hurting people and I channeled my frustration into bettering myself and getting an education. I realized at some point that the key to freedom was education. Now, I stand out and those independent attributes I have always had keep me in demand.
Back to Max, I now understand the fear that my father had. Once when I was walking my dad home from a crack house he said that he was the best worst example I could have. Seeing my fathers weakness made me want to be strong. Max sees me at my worst as well, I need to show him what I have learned. That it is ok to be weak and it is ok to sit at circle time and that friends are a gift not a burden.
It is just so hard and I doubt myself... I think the best thing I can do is teach him to channel his energy into something positive before it gets him into trouble. I got by because I went to 7 different elementary schools and two jr high schools. I got lost in the cracks but the world is different now and I have to teach him to use his brain not his fists. Being a parent is the biggest challenge of my life.
Thursday- "Max kept hitting me, would not sit at circle time."
-"Max bit a friend and broke the skin then hit him repeatedly."
-"He has a hard time keeping his hands to himself."
-"Mr. Dimmock Max pushed a friend over and the boy got a bloody nose."
I can go on but you get the point...
I like that my son is independent I like that he has a will of iron. The other day he was told repeatedly that the pizza he was going to eat was hot and that he should blow on it. We even separated the slices but he just forced it into his mouth anyway and shuttered. He burned his mouth but he kept doing it, even though he was shaking clearly in pain he ate it anyway. I am afraid he has my anger in him, he does not like authority unless he is that authority. Ugggggg I have tried as hard as I can to not yell in front of him, I dont spank him , I tell him I love him and play with him all the time and everyday. It seems like he has learned something from me that I had not intended him to pick up. Every time I yell at someone cutting me off on the highway or clench my jaw when someone says something I dont like he is watching. I keep telling myself that like a mantra "Max is watching".
When I was barely older then he is now, I was told that I could not play with playdoh at daycare. I responded by walking over to the fish tank where our big fat goldfish mascot lived and plucked him out of the water and crushed him in front of the teacher and the class. When they tried to pry his body out of my hands I hit them. They sent me out into a hallway away from the other kids and called my father. When he came to pick me up I cried about how I was so sorry I killed the fish and that I really liked him he was my friend I just hated everyone there. My dad took me home and I was kicked out of daycare.
I wish I could say that things got easier but people get meaner as they get older. I would get teased a lot in school, in response I fought a lot. I learned how far I could go before I would get in real trouble. I was kicked out of an after school program called "fit for all" because I slammed a kid to the ground and tried to rip out his eyes with my thumbs. I probably would have if I was not ripped off of him by the fitness leader. The next year I was pushed while getting off a bus turned around and grabbed the kid by his crotch and neck and slammed him on the ground and stomped on his face and head until a teacher came running. I raised my hands up and went to the principles office willingly. All and all I was suspended 8 times in middle school for fighting and got sent home for evaluation a few times in grade school. Once I got sent home for hiding a knitting needle in my shirt. Word around school was that some kid was mad at me for something and was going to jump me after school with a couple friends. I was planning on using the needle to blind them when they rushed me, I was out of school for two weeks after that.
I used to think that my troubles were due to my home life. The schools never asked about my bruises but they knew I was getting knocked around. The truth was I just never wanted to stand in line, I never wanted to do what I was told. When you stand out you become a target.
Even as an adult I have never stopped fighting. I just stopped hurting people and I channeled my frustration into bettering myself and getting an education. I realized at some point that the key to freedom was education. Now, I stand out and those independent attributes I have always had keep me in demand.
Back to Max, I now understand the fear that my father had. Once when I was walking my dad home from a crack house he said that he was the best worst example I could have. Seeing my fathers weakness made me want to be strong. Max sees me at my worst as well, I need to show him what I have learned. That it is ok to be weak and it is ok to sit at circle time and that friends are a gift not a burden.
It is just so hard and I doubt myself... I think the best thing I can do is teach him to channel his energy into something positive before it gets him into trouble. I got by because I went to 7 different elementary schools and two jr high schools. I got lost in the cracks but the world is different now and I have to teach him to use his brain not his fists. Being a parent is the biggest challenge of my life.