Dreams.
I feel as though my courage fails me as soon as I fall asleep. I have been experiencing dreams that explore my sense of inadequacy. Most involve me not living up to the expectations of people whom I care about or are in some other way my superior. I know what my sleeping brain is exploring and it scares me more then anything else. The Idea that somehow, someone will find out my terrible secret which is of course that I am just a stupid, weak,poor little boy. I feel that every moment I strive for something better then a trailer, is just another moment I could be found out. So I act the part of an educated design student, even though I hate design. I hate everything about it. Somehow I have boxed myself in again, into something I hate because I want to please the people around me. Which is funny because no one has any expectations of what I should be they just want me to succeed. I think what has triggered this crash of emotion is a simple sculpture class, figure modeling to be precise. Every moment I spend with my hands covered in clay is bliss. It reminds me of the first time I picked up a paint brush or a pencil and could block the world out. there is such joy in the making of things that without it I feel that I would die. No, Im not being emo here, if left idol I would likely self destruct. Im so worried I will fall, I have broken down so many barriers and created several more. What is to become of me in the end? thats the forty million dollar question for us all isn't it?