she was gonna shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake's car
Via aislingeach: Choose Your Own Adventure Career In Linguistics. Look under the cut for my result, which I didn't even cheat to get, honestly:
You go to work as a consulting linguist on a Sci Fi Channel Series..
You begin work on FarStar GateScape Atlantian-3. The alien languages are works of art: agglutinative, infixing, center-embedding, with thirty-eight cases. Marc Okrand publicly admits to his personal jealousy and professional admiration.
However, your constant pedantic corrections infuriate most of the cast, who come to hate you. You are eventually fired.
However, in the meantime, rumors spread of your ménage-à-trois with Claudia Black and Ben Browder. As a result, you make a mint making guest appearances on the talk show circuit and writing a tell-all book. Congratulations!
And with that, it's time for a Mage recap.
Mulder is spending the remainder of the night in jail when he gets an unexpected visitor. A figure wearing the same robe and mask that the Guardians of the Veil wore during the ritual walks through the wall, claiming to be Winston from the Ghostbusters (but refusing to remove his mask so that Bill can verify this). "Winston" says that although Mulder's recent death-by-bees victim was not a mage, as Mulder had originally assumed, he was not only a bad person but also the result of some sort of Seers of the Throne experiment. Apparently, they had done something to his soul that modified it in some magical way, and now that he's dead whatever purpose this was meant for will presumably not be achieved. "Winston" tells Mulder that he did well, but he'd better not look into what happened here tonight any further. He sinks back into the wall before Mulder has a chance to argue.
The next day, Mulder is released from jail; as it turned out, the so-called "cocaine" that was mailed to him was actually a bag of powdered sugar. He returns to the Wood household, where he spills most of the details about what happened to put him in jail. Ashe doesn't really know what to say, but Ptoncia is somewhat annoyed - not because Mulder killed a person who by all accounts was a pretty big piece of shit (as Ptoncia puts it), but because he got himself in debt with the Guardians after Buffalo's Unfortunate had explicitly agreed not to have anything more to do with the Guardians if they could help it. Mulder reiterates that he won't do it again, and that seems to be good enough for everybody. Now all that's left to do is to break into the Church of Plenty and find out something that will be good enough to get them back into their own bodies. Luckily for our heroes, there's an investment seminar happening at the church that night, which should provide just the kind of cover story that is needed.
But before Buffalo's Unfortunate can get into the church, Ashe is called away by Gloria once again. The day before, Gloria had mentioned wanting to put together a love potion so that the boy she liked would like her back, and told Ashe that she would find him soon so they could assemble it together. Now, she's come to collect on that promise. The spell, which was taught to Gloria by Lingaj, is actually kind of clever in its own way; it involves putting together a potion in the microwave, which attracts birds to drink from it, who then turn into mosquitoes and bite the intended target, delivering the potion. While helping put together the potion, Ashe is shocked to learn that Gloria's love interest is named Brett Jameson - yes, one of those Jamesons. But he can't back out now, so he follows her to Jameson's house and watches while Brett tries in vain to fend off mosquitoes - being extremely paranoid the entire way about whether Gloria is actually trying to target him. Ashe is safe, though, because the potion appears to work and Gloria and Brett go off together.
Evening rolls around, and the "Wood family" goes to the investment seminar at the Church of Plenty. Ashe plays the role of the sullen teenager and wanders off while Ptoncia and Mulder sit in on the meeting. When the coast is clear, Ashe uses his breaking and entering skills to jimmy the lock on the door under the stairs, which leads into what seems to be a totally innocuous pastor's office. But after looking around for a while, Ashe finds a secret trapdoor that leads down into a series of tunnels, which appear to be guarded by several zombies. Knowing he won't be able to take the zombies alone, Ashe calls Ptoncia and asks him to come help under the guise of "Elliot" being ill and needing his mother's assistance.
By the time Ptoncia gets into the office, one of the zombies whose attention Ashe had attracted is banging against the trapdoor. Ashe lets it out, and Ptoncia gets into a fistfight with it (since gunfire would undoubtedly draw too much attention). The zombie is soon defeated, although Ptoncia gets bitten by it in the process (and he insists that Ashe kill him if he shows signs of turning into a zombie later on). There are more zombies where that came from, but Ashe improvises a flamethrower out of hairspray and a lighter from Catherine Wood's purse and drives them off. Then, the investigation begins.
In the cellar, the most interesting thing that Ptoncia and Ashe find is a small platinum replica of the Liberty Bell, obviously imbued with magic and sitting on a pedestal behind a force field. They also see six offices with nameplates on the doors, belonging to Richard Gobbler, Jameson, and the four Beatles, whose real names turn out to be Decadence (for Ringo), Ruin (for John), Entropy (for (Paul), and Decay (for George). In the office of Decadence there is also a mask just like the ones the Guardians wore while performing the body-swapping ritual, but imbued with magic. There is nothing else particularly interesting. Realizing that this is all they're going to find, and that the Woods will fall under suspicion when one of the Church of Plenty's leaders comes back and finds the dead zombie, Ptoncia and Ashe decide that it's time to round up Mulder and get back in their real bodies ASAP.
Mulder calls up Faith and she tells them to come to the crisis center. Once there, they insist that the Guardians put them back into their bodies before explaining what they saw. The Guardians are pleased to know the identities of the six leaders of the Church of Plenty, though they are less concerned about the replica mask than Buffalo's Unfortunate thought they would be. Faith thanks them for their hard work and tells them to get back to their old lives. Buffalo's Unfortunate are only too happy to comply.
You go to work as a consulting linguist on a Sci Fi Channel Series..
You begin work on FarStar GateScape Atlantian-3. The alien languages are works of art: agglutinative, infixing, center-embedding, with thirty-eight cases. Marc Okrand publicly admits to his personal jealousy and professional admiration.
However, your constant pedantic corrections infuriate most of the cast, who come to hate you. You are eventually fired.
However, in the meantime, rumors spread of your ménage-à-trois with Claudia Black and Ben Browder. As a result, you make a mint making guest appearances on the talk show circuit and writing a tell-all book. Congratulations!
And with that, it's time for a Mage recap.
Mulder is spending the remainder of the night in jail when he gets an unexpected visitor. A figure wearing the same robe and mask that the Guardians of the Veil wore during the ritual walks through the wall, claiming to be Winston from the Ghostbusters (but refusing to remove his mask so that Bill can verify this). "Winston" says that although Mulder's recent death-by-bees victim was not a mage, as Mulder had originally assumed, he was not only a bad person but also the result of some sort of Seers of the Throne experiment. Apparently, they had done something to his soul that modified it in some magical way, and now that he's dead whatever purpose this was meant for will presumably not be achieved. "Winston" tells Mulder that he did well, but he'd better not look into what happened here tonight any further. He sinks back into the wall before Mulder has a chance to argue.
The next day, Mulder is released from jail; as it turned out, the so-called "cocaine" that was mailed to him was actually a bag of powdered sugar. He returns to the Wood household, where he spills most of the details about what happened to put him in jail. Ashe doesn't really know what to say, but Ptoncia is somewhat annoyed - not because Mulder killed a person who by all accounts was a pretty big piece of shit (as Ptoncia puts it), but because he got himself in debt with the Guardians after Buffalo's Unfortunate had explicitly agreed not to have anything more to do with the Guardians if they could help it. Mulder reiterates that he won't do it again, and that seems to be good enough for everybody. Now all that's left to do is to break into the Church of Plenty and find out something that will be good enough to get them back into their own bodies. Luckily for our heroes, there's an investment seminar happening at the church that night, which should provide just the kind of cover story that is needed.
But before Buffalo's Unfortunate can get into the church, Ashe is called away by Gloria once again. The day before, Gloria had mentioned wanting to put together a love potion so that the boy she liked would like her back, and told Ashe that she would find him soon so they could assemble it together. Now, she's come to collect on that promise. The spell, which was taught to Gloria by Lingaj, is actually kind of clever in its own way; it involves putting together a potion in the microwave, which attracts birds to drink from it, who then turn into mosquitoes and bite the intended target, delivering the potion. While helping put together the potion, Ashe is shocked to learn that Gloria's love interest is named Brett Jameson - yes, one of those Jamesons. But he can't back out now, so he follows her to Jameson's house and watches while Brett tries in vain to fend off mosquitoes - being extremely paranoid the entire way about whether Gloria is actually trying to target him. Ashe is safe, though, because the potion appears to work and Gloria and Brett go off together.
Evening rolls around, and the "Wood family" goes to the investment seminar at the Church of Plenty. Ashe plays the role of the sullen teenager and wanders off while Ptoncia and Mulder sit in on the meeting. When the coast is clear, Ashe uses his breaking and entering skills to jimmy the lock on the door under the stairs, which leads into what seems to be a totally innocuous pastor's office. But after looking around for a while, Ashe finds a secret trapdoor that leads down into a series of tunnels, which appear to be guarded by several zombies. Knowing he won't be able to take the zombies alone, Ashe calls Ptoncia and asks him to come help under the guise of "Elliot" being ill and needing his mother's assistance.
By the time Ptoncia gets into the office, one of the zombies whose attention Ashe had attracted is banging against the trapdoor. Ashe lets it out, and Ptoncia gets into a fistfight with it (since gunfire would undoubtedly draw too much attention). The zombie is soon defeated, although Ptoncia gets bitten by it in the process (and he insists that Ashe kill him if he shows signs of turning into a zombie later on). There are more zombies where that came from, but Ashe improvises a flamethrower out of hairspray and a lighter from Catherine Wood's purse and drives them off. Then, the investigation begins.
In the cellar, the most interesting thing that Ptoncia and Ashe find is a small platinum replica of the Liberty Bell, obviously imbued with magic and sitting on a pedestal behind a force field. They also see six offices with nameplates on the doors, belonging to Richard Gobbler, Jameson, and the four Beatles, whose real names turn out to be Decadence (for Ringo), Ruin (for John), Entropy (for (Paul), and Decay (for George). In the office of Decadence there is also a mask just like the ones the Guardians wore while performing the body-swapping ritual, but imbued with magic. There is nothing else particularly interesting. Realizing that this is all they're going to find, and that the Woods will fall under suspicion when one of the Church of Plenty's leaders comes back and finds the dead zombie, Ptoncia and Ashe decide that it's time to round up Mulder and get back in their real bodies ASAP.
Mulder calls up Faith and she tells them to come to the crisis center. Once there, they insist that the Guardians put them back into their bodies before explaining what they saw. The Guardians are pleased to know the identities of the six leaders of the Church of Plenty, though they are less concerned about the replica mask than Buffalo's Unfortunate thought they would be. Faith thanks them for their hard work and tells them to get back to their old lives. Buffalo's Unfortunate are only too happy to comply.