[FIC] Your world within me (6/6)
Title: Your world within me
Pairing: Kiseob, Dongseob
Rating: R
Word count: 61,206
Summary: Son Dongwoon is a writer who hardly ever goes outside. But even within the safety of his own home Dongwoon witnesses horrible happenings through the thin walls of his apartment. When he starts writing down his thoughts they feel like they're someone else's. This is a story about a windowsill, a black paperweight and horrors that can only happen in fiction...or not?
Yoseob’s heart performs a funny dance inside his chest. Doojoon! He totally forgot about him but now that he sees him step out of his cage he feels excited. Doojoon will help them. And they really need him. But this fight isn’t over yet.
“Fight!”
Doojoon runs like there is someone after him. He grabs the hilt of an axe, sprinting past the weapon stand and heading straight for the tyrant who turns towards Yoseob now. The next second Doojoon reaches him and roughly pushes the hooded one back and away from Yoseob. For a moment Yoseob simply stares at Doojoon but then he remembers Kikwang.
Kikwang sinks slowly to the ground the moment he notices he isn’t on the verge of being attacked. Yoseob rushes towards him and falls to his knees next to him. He can smell the dazing scent of blood.
“Kikwang,” he whispers and desperately shakes his head. This is too much. Kikwang looks so weak and all Yoseob can see in his eyes is pain.
“Hey,” Kikwang breathes. “D-don’t do this. Y-you aren’t allowed to help me.” He grabs Yoseob’s arm and feebly tries to push him away but Yoseob shakes his head harder.
“They have to take you out of the arena. Why don’t they take you out?” Yoseob whimpers and helplessly turns his head. He waits for a solution to pop up but there is nothing, only Kikwang’s pained breath.
“It’s the finale. They expect me to keep fighting,” Kikwang whispers and tries to smile. Yoseob sniffs. This is insane.
“Y-you can’t. I…I don’t want you to…I don’t want to lose you,” Yoseob sobs and strokes Kikwang’s shoulder gently. He doesn’t even hear the impatiently hissing crowd anymore. Kikwang smiles genuinely this time and shakes his head.
“Nonsense,” he says and reaches up to touch Yoseob’s cheek. “You can’t lose me that easily and certainly not like this.”
“Ki…” Yoseob tries but Kikwang interrupts him.
“Shh. Yoseob, whatever happens, no matter how many scars someone inflicts on me, no matter how much I have to suffer…I will always be there and try to guide you…whether I make the right decisions or not. People will try to break me…but I’ll never, never leave you. You are too wonderful for that, I already told you.” Kikwang brushes Yoseob’s tear away.
“They will eliminate one of us every ten minutes now. And I don’t think that there will be another chance for us again. There is not much time,” Kikwang continues and his smile fades away. Yoseob turns his head and suddenly his mind is made up.
“Stay strong,” he whispers and rises to his feet.
Doojoon fights desperately against the tyrant who somehow always keeps the upper hand in the battle. His hood slips off his head when he dodges Doojoon’s axe.
Yoseob furrows his eyebrows in agony and feels fresh tears jumping to his eyes when he sees the man’s features. His angular face is quite handsome and tanned by the sun. His black hair falls into his dark eyes which had and still have the ability to paralyze Yoseob.
And suddenly Yoseob gets so angry and although his vision is blurry with tears when he recognizes who made him and his friends suffer, he raises the sword high above his head and with a loud, earsplitting scream starts his attack.
Yoseob closed his eyes and pressed his hand against his chest to calm his racing heart. He couldn’t read on. He wasn’t ready to do this and he knew he would do it the moment he read it. But he was too weak to win this fight.
Slowly Yoseob opened his eyes and was slightly surprised to find himself inside this familiar room and all by himself. He wiped the tears and the sweat off his face with the sleeve of his pullover.
“Oh god,” he breathed and covered his burning eyes with his palm. The darkness it provided calmed him a little bit. His head pounded with a dull pain and he felt like he was having a fever. Between his fingers he could still feel the rustling material of Dongwoon’s letter.
Yoseob lowered his hand and turned his head to stare at the living room wall. If he could just see right through it, if it would just turn transparent for him for just one minute…
He wanted to see Dongwoon so much. A strange longing overwhelmed him. There was no fear when he thought about Dongwoon. Through this story Dongwoon had told him everything he needed to know. Whether this was magic, whether this had something to do with Dongwoon or not, Yoseob felt something very clearly and it was everywhere inside his body and all around him. And this certainly had something to do with Dongwoon.
But he wasn’t ready for this. This was a step he couldn’t do. Yoseob panicked. His breath sped up worryingly. He had to lie down because otherwise the room just wouldn’t stop spinning. Yoseob closed his eyes with a deep sigh.
He wasn’t ready to open up again. How could he be ready when there was such a high chance that it would fail and that he would get terribly hurt while trying?
But what was a little more pain compared to freedom?
--
Kikwang meets him inside a white hall. It looks like an empty, wide office space with white paving tiles and a wall of glass to his left. At the further end of the room there is a white desk. A typewriter is placed on top of it. Kikwang approaches him slowly and with a bright smile that turns his eyes into thin, black lines.
He wears a white suit and a red dress shirt underneath. When Kikwang comes nearer Yoseob can see that he is crying despite his wide smile.
“Kikwang,” he whispers worriedly but Kikwang doesn’t let him speak. He wraps his arms around Yoseob’s body and kisses the side of his neck.
“Thank you,” Kikwang breathes. The sun shines brightly into the room and makes Yoseob squint.
“What for?” Yoseob coos. “Why are you crying?”
“Thank you for giving me another chance,” Kikwang whispers and swallows a few more tears. He strokes the back of Yoseob’s head gently.
“I don’t understand,” Yoseob says and tries to look at Kikwang’s face but it’s impossible because Kikwang is holding him tightly.
“Thank y-…thank you for giving me something to believe in,” Kikwang murmurs and his voice is husky with tears. “You gave me something to long for. I’ve been hurting for so long, now you gave me something to ache for. I’m alive again…I feel so much after been numb for such a long time,” Kikwang whispers and buries his face in Yoseob’s shoulder, trembling with tears.
Yoseob stares at the blood red sky outside and wraps his arms around Kikwang tighter to comfort him. Here with Kikwang thinking is easier than back at home. With Kikwang holding him thoughts and memories invade his mind like rain dripping into stagnant water.
He thinks about his conversation with Junhyung and the revelation of his hidden nature. Somehow he is afraid that learning something like that about Kikwang would change something between then. He can feel he already knows who Kikwang is, what he is to him. But he doesn’t dare to ask.
When he thinks of Junhyung he doesn’t think of him any differently. It’s strange. It still feels the same. Maybe it’s because he always knew that Junhyung and all of his friends actually are a part of him. It’s hard to believe that they are more than just products of his lonely mind. Maybe they are just that but even then…isn’t it beautiful to believe in things like magic?
Kikwang sniffs but doesn’t move and doesn’t let go of Yoseob. Yoseob closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again.
“What did I give you?” he asks very hesitantly.
Kikwang stirs softly and lifts his head to look at Yoseob with beautiful but tear-filled eyes. His smile has never been this sincere and breathtaking. A tear slips down his cheek and wets the corner of his mouth.
“Just an idea,” he answers with trembling lips and when he blinks more tears fall and it reminds Yoseob of the crying rainclouds. With the knuckles of his fingers Yoseob wipes a few teardrops away instinctively.
“Which idea?” he whispers and tries to dry Kikwang’s eyes with the pad of his thumb. Kikwang reaches for his hand tenderly.
“The idea that you could be happy with someone once again. The idea of a second chance,” Kikwang answers and smiles so brightly that he outshines the golden sun outside.
Yoseob knows what he is talking about, or better: whom. It’s just that it’s hard to accept so easily. Especially since he knows how painful this ‘idea’ will be. He longs for Dongwoon. He longs for a life with him instead of living at the side of a man who constantly abuses him, cheats on him and hurts him on a daily basis. But if he can’t have Dongwoon, it will hurt.
And Kikwang is aware of it. Maybe that is why he cries. Because Kikwang…
Yoseob casts down his eyes and thinks until his head hurts.
“What?” Kikwang asks and lovingly grabs Yoseob’s chin to make him look at him again.
“I…I just wondered,” Yoseob begins insecurely and deep in thought.
“You ask yourself why I feel like this. And what it means,” Kikwang states amusedly.
Yoseob nods.
“And to what answer did your wondering bring you?” Kikwang asks curiously but in a way that makes Yoseob feel more confident about his answer. Kikwang gives him the courage to talk.
“I think you are my heart.”
It doesn’t feel as embarrassing as it did with Junhyung. It still sounds weird but his life isn’t ordinary either, so why should his friends be?
Kikwang smiles at him warmly and takes his hand. “Yes and no,” he says and his smile becomes crooked. Yoseob doesn’t urge him to tell him what that means. The way Kikwang’s eyes sparkle indicates that he plans to explain everything.
“I’m your heart’s deepest wishes. There are things you long for and there are things your heart needs,” Kikwang finally says and with a sigh lets go of Yoseob. He walks towards the large window. Yoseob follows him.
“You created me…no.” Kikwang turns his head and grins at Yoseob. “Let’s say, you called me, because you were lonely. I’m the symbol of your heart and everything it beats for.”
Yoseob can’t return Kikwang’s smile. He looks down at the far away street of an unknown city. “So that means you just loved me because I wanted someone to love me?” It hurts Yoseob a little bit. He always felt like there was more between him and Kikwang.
Kikwang chuckles. “Again, yes and no.” He crosses his arms behind his back. “I loved you and still love you because you need love and because of that need you continued to love life, maybe not the life you are leading right now but life in general. And you still love yourself, despite everything,” Kikwang says and eyes Yoseob as if he is indeed some kind of rare treasure. Yoseob frowns but doesn’t interrupt Kikwang. He just doesn’t know what to say.
“When you started hating yourself I was devastated. But you found yourself again and the true object of your hatred. You are extraordinary. You are so strong to still believe in love after everything that happened. And that’s why I love you, Yoseob. That’s the reason why I will always love you in a very complicated way,” Kikwang says and steps closer towards Yoseob again.
Yoseob lowers his head. He can’t look into Kikwang’s eyes because he feels so awful.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“There is nothing to be sorry about,” Kikwang says and caresses Yoseob’s cheek with his fingertips.
“I feel like I’m betraying you because I feel like that for Dongwoon,” Yoseob murmurs and still doesn’t look at Kikwang.
“No, you don’t understand,” Kikwang says and tilts his head to catch Yoseob’s eyes. “I love you but it doesn’t mean that I can only love you or that you can only love me. Your feelings for Dongwoon are everything to me right now. You don’t have to feel guilty.”
“B-but does that mean you will leave me?” Yoseob stammers because he doesn’t want Kikwang to leave. He needs him. He loves him.
Kikwang shakes his head. “I’ll be there all the time. You won’t miss me.”
“Kikwang,” Yoseob begins but Kikwang silences him with a single glance. He grabs Yoseob’s hand and turns around.
“Don’t try to understand too much,” he says cheerfully. “Follow me.”
They walk towards the door through which Yoseob believes he entered the room but isn’t so sure about that now. Kikwang turns the golden knob of the door and pulls it open.
“I guess you want to talk to someone else too,” Kikwang says. Yoseob looks at him insecurely before he steps through the door. When the door closes with a creak, Yoseob notices that Kikwang didn’t follow him.
Yoseob thinks he is alone and it really seems like a place where no one else would go to. It’s the skeleton of a building, empty and grey. There are partially demolished walls and pillars that look like they might have looked nice in the past but now only serve the purpose of carrying the ugly grey ceiling.
There are no windows and the floor is littered with tiny pieces of glass. The sun is still setting. Something is falling from the sky like petals. Yoseob stumbles closer towards the large hole that once was a wall and stares with wide eyes at the millions of pages of typed letters flying past him and swirling in the air, carried by the wind. They are everywhere. The wind blows some of them into the building and makes the sheets of paper fly against Yoseob’s feet.
“I think it’s beautiful.”
Yoseob jumps when suddenly a voice comes from a dark corner right next to one of the grey pillars. Hectically Yoseob searches the dark spot for a sign of someone watching him. His eyes fall onto a sitting figure that leans against the pillar.
“Hyunseung,” Yoseob sighs in relief when he recognizes the man’s face. “What are you doing here?”
Hyunseung looks up. He holds something in his arms but Yoseob can’t really make out what it is. “I’m here with Doojoon,” Hyunseung answers casually and rises to his feet. When he steps into the red sunlight Yoseob realizes that the thing Hyunseung carries is something living, an animal.
Yoseob doesn’t ask Hyunseung about it but instead looks around himself. “Doojoon? Where is he?”
“I’m here.” Yoseob recognizes Doojoon’s voice immediately and turns around. Doojoon appears through a gap between the pitiful halves of a shattered wall. He, too, carries something with him. In the hollow of his hands there is a small flower pot with a single, white flower inside. Doojoon smiles.
“Look,” he says and stretches out his arms, presenting them the tiny plant. Yoseob sees nothing special about the flower but Hyunseung seems stunned.
“It’s blossoming,” he whispers reverently and makes way for Doojoon when he walks past him.
“What is it?” Yoseob asks and curiously follows Doojoon to an empty spot close to the former window.
“This,” Doojoon says meaningfully and kneels down on the rough ground. “This is a new beginning for me. And I will take it home.”
“Your home?” Yoseob asks. He never was at Doojoon’s before. He wonders what it’s like there, how Doojoon lives.
“Yes,” Doojoon answers with an unreadable smile and brushes pieces of glass and stone to the side to reveal a small patch of brown earth.
“Where is it?” Yoseob sits down next to Doojoon impatiently.
“It’s here. Right where you are,” Doojoon says and digs a hole with his hand cautiously. Yoseob blinks and looks around disbelievingly.This is where Doojoon lives? This place is completely destroyed. It’s a ruin.
“I’m sorry,” Doojoon says and very carefully takes the little flower out of its pot. “I’ve been a miserable host and this place isn’t as tidy as it used to be but you see there have been quite a few…complications lately,” Doojoon says with a smirk and places the flower into the middle of the tiny hollow he dug. Hyunseung kneels down next to him eagerly.
Yoseob thoughtfully watches Doojoon pressing down the earth around the fragile stem of the little flower. His expression is dark. “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”
Doojoon shakes his head. “It’s because of someone else who shattered your hope,” he murmurs and when he speaks the last words, his voice is so low that Yoseob hardly hears him anymore.
“But while there is life, there is hope,” Hyunseung suddenly says. He shares a secretive glance with Doojoon that makes the latter smile widely.
“Yes,” Doojoon breathes. His fingers caress the white petals of the flower tenderly. “Yes.”
Yoseob is confused by those words and tries to find out what they have to do with anything when he feels something in the pocket of his jeans. It’s a small, cold object and it shimmers in the dying sunlight when Yoseob holds it in the palm of his hand.
It’s the typewriter key that Doojoon gave him. Yoseob doesn’t really know how it got into his pocket but now that it’s there he can’t stop looking at it. He cringes softly when Doojoon’s fingers touch his to close them around the delicate ‘H’ in his hand.
“You’ve been begging me for an answer quite a while now,” Doojoon says in a low voice. Yoseob looks up in surprise. “And I know you’ve talked to Junhyung like you should’ve done much earlier. I also know you’re having a hard time understanding everything. But I’ll try you. I know you can understand once I told you,” he continues while he holds Yoseob’s hand with both of his.
“You keep this, do you hear me?” Doojoon says and his voice is so serious and demanding that Yoseob can’t do anything but nod in agreement and close his fingers tighter around the typewriter key.
“I almost died not so long ago,” Doojoon murmurs softly. “And it was because you lost me bit by bit. I protected you. I kept you whole for a long time but in the end I feared I wasn’t strong enough. You made me your hero…and this is what is left of me.” Doojoon lowers his head and heaves a heavy sigh.
“Doojoon, I…” Yoseob attempts to say something but he can’t think of anything to lift Doojoon’s spirits.
But suddenly Doojoon smiles again and shrugs. “But I’m recovering very fast. Because you listened to me. Because you found your hope again. And therefore you found me.”
Doojoon grins at Yoseob’s confused expression. “Because that’s me.” He squeezes Yoseob’s hand tightly.
“H like Hope.”
What to say in a situation like this? But Doojoon doesn’t expect an answer. He releases Yoseob’s hand and sits back.
“Just don’t let me die, okay?” he says and wriggles his eyebrows meaningfully. Yoseob is speechless but hurries to nod.
The silence that follows gets uncomfortable quickly. Yoseob looks at Hyunseung who is caressing the animal in his arms absentmindedly. Yoseob sees black fur and a sniffing nose. Hyunseung notices that he is watching him and, smiles and shifts the black fur ball in his arms until two long ears become visible.
The black bunny noses Hyunseung’s fingers curiously and tries to jump off of Hyunseung’s lap.
“It’s so cute,” Hyunseung states and lets go of the wriggling animal. The bunny takes a leap to the ground with its long ears bouncing up and down as it moves. It lollops towards Doojoon and makes him chuckle amusedly when it puts its small front paws onto his thigh. The little animal continues its clumsy journey across Doojoon’s destroyed home and after smelling the white flower, scuttles towards a damaged wooden door.
“It wants us to follow,” Hyunseung says cheerfully and gets up instantly. He grins at Yoseob widely and laughs happily before running after the bunny. Doojoon shakes his head but he is laughing at Hyunseung. He winks at Yoseob who has to hurry to catch up with Hyunseung and the bunny.
Yoseob steps through the door and almost trips because the path suddenly falls and slopes towards a railing that encloses an artificial pond. Carefully Yoseob descends towards the railing. There is a beautiful small bridge crossing a lovely stream that leads away from the pond. In the middle of the bridge Kikwang and Junhyung are talking to each other calmly.
It’s relieving that they aren’t fighting for once. Their conversation seems kind and polite. Yoseob walks closer towards them. Hyunseung and Doojoon stay behind but the black bunny keeps lolloping between his feet.
Yoseob is able to properly see Junhyung’s face now and his expression makes him stop for a moment. Junhyung lowers his head and murmurs something Yoseob can’t understand from the distance. However Kikwang suddenly wraps his arms around Junhyung comfortingly. It’s a peaceful picture and somehow makes Yoseob relax.
Slowly he makes his way past blooming bushes until Junhyung finally notices him and looks up. At first he smiles at him but then suddenly his smile fades. A roll of thunder causes the air to vibrate.
“What are you doing here?” Junhyung calls in horror and lets go of Kikwang who swirls around. The wind is turning into a storm. Yoseob pulls his shoulders up against a sudden chill.
Junhyung comes jogging towards him. “Now is not the time to be here!” He grabs Yoseob’s shoulders and shakes him softly. “You have to go. Wake up!”
Yoseob is terribly scared. All at once everything changed from peacefulness to chaos. He stares at Junhyung’s horrified face in shock, can’t move and can’t say anything.
“Wake up!” Junhyung shouts. “Go now!” He shakes Yoseob harder. It’s rough and his grip is painful. Yoseob squeezes his eyes shut. “Now!”
Yoseob woke up with a start and then hit the floor without knowing what had happened. But he understood within one second the very moment a strong hand grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him to his feet so violently that his vision blurred with dizziness.
His boyfriend was back and he was angry. And then Yoseob remembered everything. He remembered meeting Dongwoon at the window, he remembered his letter and he remembered how tired he had been. He had fallen asleep on the couch with the letter in his hand!
Yoseob cringed and let out a scared gasp when his boyfriend grabbed his chin brutally and made him look up at him. He shoved a suspiciously familiar looking piece of paper into his face so abruptly that Yoseob thought he was going to punch him and tried to get away.
“What is that?” his lover yelled furiously and waved Dongwoon’s letter vigorously.
The words just spilled out of Yoseob, he couldn’t think of anything else to do but lie. “I-it’s nothing, it’s nothing,” he stammered and tried to hold back the tears. How could he let this happen? How could he have been so incautious? His whole body was protesting in premonition of the pain he already expected.
“Who wrote this? Who the fucking hell writes this for you?”
Yoseob shrunk with every word his lover yelled. Unconsciously he pulled his shoulders up as if he could hide inside an invisible shell. He waited for the punch to his face. He just hoped it would come soon because the fear of the pain was the worst.
“Nobody. I…I…” Yoseob tried to think of something that sounded plausible and wasn’t the truth. He couldn’t tell him about Dongwoon. Dongwoon had to stay safe.
“Someone was here, am I right?” his boyfriend roared and Yoseob shook his head vehemently while closing his eyes. “You let someone into my apartment you fucking asshole!”
“N-no. I…I wouldn’t, I…”
It almost came as a relief when finally the inevitable punch hit his face. Yoseob fell silent and didn’t dare to move anymore. He remained looking down and trying to breathe calmly while his boyfriend was panting in front of him.
“Don’t you dare lie to me! Who was it?” Yoseob gasped and looked up when the other grabbed his arm hard. Yoseob simply shook his head. He couldn’t tell him.
Yoseob cried out in pain when his boyfriend yanked his head back by his hair. “Who is the bastard who writes that he loves you and thinks he can steal you from me?”
Yoseob blinked rapidly. Dongwoon wrote that? Was that how the story ended? Stubbornly Yoseob pressed his lips together and refused to answer, a gesture he wouldn’t have dared a day ago.
“Oh…” his lover made derisively. “I get it.” He pushed him so hard that Yoseob lost his balance and fell with a loud bang against the coffee table.
“You want to protect that asshole. You want to run away with him.”
Yoseob’s arms hurt from where he hit the sharp edge of the coffee table. He already regretted his behavior. He shouldn’t have done it. He should have tried to calm his boyfriend. Now the other was so mad at him and Yoseob was terribly scared. Hastily he crawled backwards and away from the other. But where to run to?
“But who would want someone like you? Someone is playing with you, Yoseob. And I don’t like someone playing with my property.”
Yoseob yelped but was too slow to escape. A strong hand grabbed his wrist and then he was pulled up to his knees. A rough fist clenched inside his hair. Tears sprung to his eyes.
“You are disgusting.” Hot breath rolled across his nape. Yoseob sniffed. “Now tell me, who is it?”
Yoseob shivered. He wouldn’t tell him. “Let me go,” he whimpered. He wanted this man to be gone. He wanted to be alone.
“What was that?”
Yoseob froze. He had made too many mistakes and he knew he would pay. “Please,” he breathed but nothing could appease his boyfriend anymore.
The other didn’t say anything but unceremoniously grabbed Yoseob’s upper arm and dragged him towards the bed room door. Yoseob couldn’t even stumble to his feet in time and was literally pulled across the floor, no matter how hard he tried to refuse.
There, in front of their shared bed, he pulled Yoseob to his feet and punched him so hard that Yoseob fell back and his back hit the foot end of the bed. Helplessly he dropped to the ground. His experience told him to just curl into a ball and wait until everything was over but right now he was panicking. With rushing breath and racing heartbeat he tried to crawl away from the other.
“I’m going to find out who it was and you are going to regret thinking that you could disobey me.” Yoseob slumped to the ground when his boyfriend stepped onto his back with one foot.
“I didn’t want to… Please!” Yoseob screamed. His boyfriend rolled him around and the next second he was straddling his hips. He hit him again and again until Yoseob saw nothing but white stars dotting his otherwise black vision. A few seconds passed in which his boyfriend waited for him to recover.
“And nobody will steal you from me. You fucking belong to me and you will fucking remember.”
“Please don’t!” Yoseob cried. He didn’t want the other to touch him. He didn’t want to get hurt. His hands seemed so weak when he tried to push the other off of him. His helplessly flailing arms were no challenge for the other.
“Please! No! NO! Let go of me!”
--
“Now tell me, who is it?”
Dongwoon shook his head. “No,” he breathed and jumped to his feet. Yoseob screamed. The noises became fainter. They moved to another room but Dongwoon could still hear Yoseob cry. There was a loud bang and another. Yoseob screamed again.
“Who wrote that?” Dongwoon could hear distinctly after a few more moments.
He had found out. Dongwoon broke into a run. He had to do something but he remembered all too clearly what had happened the last time he tried to interfere.
“Leave me alone! NO!”
Dongwoon grabbed the receiver of his phone and dialed as fast as he could.
The voice of the policeman was too calm when he answered Dongwoon’s call. Dongwoon felt like fainting with fear already. He couldn’t leave Yoseob alone like this. Who knew what this madman would do to Yoseob? There was no time.
“My neighbor is attacking is companion. He…”
They told him to calm down. They told him to wait and do nothing no matter how hard Dongwoon tried to explain to them that this man was likely to kill Yoseob or hurt him severely. He didn’t think they were really listening or interested in Yoseob’s faith.
Dongwoon hung up in exhaustion and tried not to storm out of his apartment immediately. The police had told him to wait. They knew how to do their job. Besides, what could he do? He would make it worse once again.
--
The blankets slipped away under his fingers. He was disorientated and cried so hard that he couldn’t see a single thing anymore. His nails scratched across the other’s cheek. A knee hit his stomach and knocked all the air out of his lungs. Yoseob wheezed and was left totally defenseless.
“No!”
“Hold still!” His boyfriend forced his knees between his legs. Yoseob tried to kick him but couldn’t reach him. The other pinned his wrists to the mattress. His grip cut off the circulation in his arms.
“You hurt me!” Yoseob screamed. “Please let me go! Let go!” But his sobs went unheard. He didn’t want this anymore. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to be gone. While his body’s refuses grew weaker his mind escaped to somewhere else.
Yoseob waits with his eyes closed and listens to the silence around him. His breathing calms down.
“Hello?” a thin voice calls, resonates eerily and then fades away. Slowly Yoseob opens his eyes.
It’s dark all around him but he assumes he is inside a small, empty room. In the very middle there is a dim ray of cold, white lighting falling onto a patch of the rough concrete floor. Yoseob gasps and the sound seems so loud in the silence. There is Hyunseung in the middle of the small lit circle, like there is a spotlight shining onto him.
Hyunseung is naked and curled into a ball. His hair is wet as if he ran through the rain. He shivers and weeps bitterly while he looks around fearfully. Apparently he can’t see Yoseob but winces when he hears him gasp.
“H-hello?” he whimpers and hurriedly wipes the tears out of his eyes in order to clear his vision. “I-is somebody there?”
Like waking up from a trance Yoseob starts moving and takes off his jacket although he doesn’t remember wearing it in the first place. He rushes towards Hyunseung who flinches when he hears the sound of his steps coming closer.
“Who’s there?” Hyunseung whines and his fingers try to dry his eyes agitatedly.
“It’s me…it’s me, Hyunseung. It’s alright,” Yoseob hushes him and crouches down next to him to wrap his jacket around Hyunseung’s shoulders.
“Yoseobie,” Hyunseung whimpers and two large tears roll down his cheeks. “Yoseobie,” he repeats feebly and slings his arms around Yoseob helplessly.
“Shh,” Yoseob makes although he doesn’t know what’s wrong. He strokes Hyunseung’s head instinctively and tries to cover as much of Hyunseung’s trembling body as possible.
“I’m so scared,” Hyunseung sobs and claws the fabrics of Yoseob’s shirt. “So scared.”
“Why?” Yoseob whispers and tries to hold Hyunseung closer to his body. To see Hyunseung scared and helpless like this is unbearable. Yoseob wants to cry himself. He can’t stand Hyunseung crying. It hurts. He sniffs and tries to hold back his tears. He wants to beg Hyunseung to stop crying.
“It’s so dark,” Hyunseung wails. “I’m so scared of the darkness. All I can see is darkness.” He presses his head against Yoseob’s shoulder. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.”
“I won’t,” Yoseob answers immediately and rubs Hyunseung’s back to warm him. He shushes him tenderly but Hyunseung just doesn’t seem like he’ll be able to stop crying soon. He is totally distraught. His chest jerks with every hasty breath he draws.
“I…I don’t want the darkness to get me. I don’t want it to swallow me. It will swallow me, Yoseob,” Hyunseung whimpers desperately and reaches for Yoseob’s hand. The tips of his fingers are cold as ice.
“It can’t harm you,” Yoseob tries to calm Hyunseung but the other shakes his head vigorously. “You will leave me behind!” he shrieks and his nails dig into the back of Yoseob’s hand. “Don’t!”
“No…no, I won’t,” Yoseob replies sincerely. He wants Hyunseung to believe him but Hyunseung keeps shaking his head.
“Why do you think I’d leave you?” Yoseob asks and sniffs again. His eyes sting terribly. He doesn’t want to cry, he wants to be strong for Hyunseung.
“Because he won’t be able to follow you for much longer.”
Yoseob squints against the sudden light. Doojoon leans against the wall in front of them. When Yoseob wants to look at Hyunseung again he notices that instead of him he holds a bouquet of flowers.
“Why? What’s wrong with him?” Yoseob shouts because it’s upsetting not to know what’s going on. He stumbles to his feet and almost trips over a small, red and yellow radio that looks like it belongs into a children’s room.
There are toys all around them, littering the floor like a whole kindergarten played here before.
Doojoon lowers his head. “He is not strong enough to take it anymore. Right now he is on the verge of being damaged for good.”
Yoseob notices Doojoon is staring at a spot behind him and swirls around. There is a bed with a canopy studded with embroidered stars. Yoseob recognizes Hyunseung who looks like he is sleeping but suffering from a terrible nightmare. He is tossing and turning and kicking the blanket with his feet. Next to the bed there is Kikwang, sitting on a chair and looking at Hyunseung worriedly. On the other side of the bed Junhyung leans against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“Why is he like this?” Yoseob asks and stares at Hyunseung helplessly.
“He struggles against being abandoned. He doesn’t want to cease to exist,” Kikwang murmurs and slowly meets Yoseob’s horrified eyes.
“What does that mean?” Yoseob calls out and wants to walk towards Hyunseung when suddenly something hinders him to do so. Something rough cuts the skin of his wrists.
“Hyunseung can’t continue fighting for much longer,” Kikwang says as if he doesn’t even notice that Yoseob has trouble to move. “He is going to be eliminated.” Kikwang emphasizes his words carefully. Something about them sounds familiar.
“Why? What is going on! How can I help him?” Yoseob yells and tries to get to Hyunseung but the pain in his wrists grows the instant he tries to move. Thick ropes are tied around his wrists and binding him to the wall that is the furthest away from Hyunseung.
“What is this?” he gasps and tries to free himself but another rope suddenly tightens around his abdomen. Yoseob winces in pain. “Help me!”
Junhyung’s expression is sad when he looks at Hyunseung as if he didn’t hear Yoseob. “You mustn’t lose him, Yoseob,” Junhyung murmurs and his eyes find Yoseob who clenches his teeth and tries to fight against the ropes that want to pull him away from Hyunseung.
“Junhyung!” Yoseob calls desperately but none of his friends reacts.
“I can’t help you,” Junhyung says gloomily. For a moment the ropes stop pulling at Yoseob.
“What am I supposed to do? Why is this happening to him?” he sobs. Junhyung sighs.
“Because you are about to break. You are going to resign when he hurts you again because hope was good for nothing and loving Dongwoon only brought you more pain,” Junhyung murmurs and shakes his head crestfallenly. “You think that you don’t deserve to be saved. Everything was in vain. You see that nothing ever changes and that being hurt is so much easier than healing.” Junhyung doesn’t look at him anymore. He seems to be inside his own world.
Yoseob frowns. “No!” he yells. “I won’t. Just tell me what to do!” He doesn’t want to believe what Junhyung says.
“Do you want to know why Hyunseung’s like this?” Kikwang asks gently instead of giving Yoseob an answer. Yoseob nods impatiently.
“Do you remember that Hyunseung came to you before any of us did?” Junhyung continues instead of Kikwang who smiles at Yoseob apologetically while he reaches for Hyunseung’s hand.
Yoseob tries to remember that time when it all started. It took him long to figure out that he was trapped, that something went wrong. He hit him so often. He hurt him so much. But then Hyunseung appeared and Yoseob talked to him endless nights.
Yoseob nods while allowing his thoughts to linger in the past for a little longer.
“Hyunseung came to you to protect you,” Junhyung says. “Bit by bit you used him to take pieces of yourself and put them into him. Your wishes, your thoughts…your soul.”
Yoseob stares at Junhyung with wide eyes. “He’s my soul?” he whispers disbelievingly. Hesitantly he turns his head to look at Hyunseung.
“Hyunseung is a vessel where you put your true self before someone could take it away from you,” Kikwang explains and tenderly strokes Hyunseung’s hand. “You used him as a safe place to preserve yourself and keep your soul from permanent damage. He likes what you liked and fears what you feared. He is the child you once were and the man you grew to be before…everything changed.” Kikwang clears his throat and avoids looking at Yoseob.
“But he became fragile. Everything you had to endure made him weaker. And when he is gone, you’ll be gone too. You won’t be who you used to be and will be damaged beyond repair,” Junhyung murmurs and furrows his brows in deep worry. “He’ll break you. You can’t let this happen.”
It’s too much. Yoseob shakes his head. “But how? What should I do? Help me!”
“You need to defeat him, I whisper and look over my shoulder because I don’t know how much time we have until they get suspicious.”
Yoseob turns his head and sees Doojoon standing next to him. He holds a piece of paper in his hand and reads out loud what is written there. Every word sounds so familiar to Yoseob.
“Why me, you ask and I hear how upset you are. But I answer calmly. Because you are the only one I could trust with this, I say. And you are the only one who is able to. You need to defeat him, I tell you. It’s the only way. It’s important that you know. It’s more important than anything else.”
“Doojoon,” Yoseob whispers but he doesn’t get the chance to say anything else because suddenly the ropes are ripping at his arms and waist and it hurts so terribly. He wants to scream but a very soft voice stops him.
“Yoseobie…”
Everyone turns their head to look at the bed where Hyunseung is lying. Very clumsily Hyunseung tries to sit up. He stretches his arm out for Yoseob.
“Please don’t leave me alone!” Hyunseung calls and leans forwards as wide as he can but he is too weak to move much. “Please don’t forget me! Don’t abandon me!”
“Hyunseung!” Yoseob calls for him. He wants to get closer towards him but the ropes cut his skin and suffocate him.
“You try to protest. I know you don’t understand right now, but I also know you’ll do the right thing when it comes to it,” Yoseob hears Doojoon’s voice recite Dongwoon’s letter. He starts crying. He wants to understand. He wants to fight. He wants to save Hyunseung. He wants to save himself.
“Yoseob!” Hyunseung cries out desperately. “Please hold my hand! I don’t want to be alone!”
Yoseob screams and tries to rip the ropes but they are too strong. His feet slip on the floor when the ropes pull him further away from Hyunseung. Yoseob looks over his shoulder and sees nothing but black darkness. “No!” he yells and throws himself against his restraints.
“We stop in front of the door and I make you look at me,” Doojoon murmurs hurriedly as if he isn’t even aware of what is happening. Junhyung and Kikwang are gone. There is only Hyunseung who desperately tries to stretch his arm out a little more while tears stream down his face. And there is Doojoon’s voice like a murmur against Yoseob’s ear.
“You can do that, I whisper and smile at you fondly so that you know that whatever happens…”
“Take my hand! Yoseob, take my hand!”
“I will be right there for you.”
“Please, Yoseob!” Hyunseung cries and Yoseob lets out a desperate scream. He clenches his teeth and pulls at the rope around his right wrist with all the strength he possesses.
“Let me go!” he yells and pushes himself forwards. The rope rips with a cracking sound.
His hand was free and he struck his head as hard as he could. The other groaned and let go of him for a second. Hastily Yoseob rolled to the side and fell off the bed. Before he could get up again he felt a hand at his shoulder.
“No!” Yoseob screamed and started to hit his boyfriend’s arm. “Don’t touch me!”
He didn’t really comprehend what happened but suddenly he was on the bed again, head hanging over the edge of the bed at the foot end. The other was on top of him. Yoseob struggled as hard as he could.
“You little slut! Hold still! I told you to fucking obey me!”
“No. No. No,” Yoseob gasped and tried to push him off of him. His fists hit his boyfriend’s chest continuously but it was in vain.
“You belong to me, understood? You aren’t worth anything without me. And don’t worry, I will find out who wrote this letter and he will regret it as much as you do,” his lover murmured triumphantly.
Yoseob sobbed loudly and tried to crawl away but the other grabbed Yoseob’s chin brutally and kissed him roughly.
You need to defeat him.
Yoseob bit those ungentle lips hard enough to break the skin. His boyfriend jerked back and slapped Yoseob in the face.
“You’ll pay for this, little fuck!”
Yoseob didn’t want to hear those words anymore. He was sick of being called ugly things like that.
“Stop it!” he screamed but then he cried out in pain when the other grabbed his side so hard that Yoseob could already feel a bruise forming. He rolled Yoseob around and shoved his hands under his shirt.
Yoseob bawled loudly and everything grew hazy with tears. Every touch hurt so much. It disgusted him. It was torture.
It’s the only way.
Yoseob could feel him trying to grab his wrists and force them down. Yoseob wanted to kick him. Somehow he managed to push himself off the bed. He was on all fours and rammed his elbow into his boyfriend’s ribcage.
In panic Yoseob stumbled off the bed. He heard him running after him.
Yoseob couldn’t even scream when he slammed him against the wall. He couldn’t breathe. A hand closed around his throat.
It’s important that you know.
Yoseob didn’t want to live like this anymore. But he didn’t want to die either.
--
Dongwoon knocked over his chair when he ran towards the door. He couldn’t take it anymore. The police took too long.
He had to do something.
He didn’t think of getting something to defend himself with or at least break the door open. All he could think of was Yoseob and that he had to stop whatever this monster was doing to him right now.
--
Yoseob sobbed helplessly.
“Say that you’re sorry, Yoseob. Say that you are going to do whatever I want from you.”
Yoseob wheezed when the hand around his throat tightened its grip.
“Y-you said you loved me,” Yoseob whispered and a silent tear rolled down his cheek. His boyfriend laughed loudly.
“You are good enough to work and to have some fun,” he said with a cold smile. “Now apologize.”
It’s more important than anything else.
Yoseob pressed his lips together and stared at him scornfully.
“Just wait, I’ll make you remember who you belong to.”
Yoseob screamed and protested until he was hoarse but he just couldn’t push him away. He pinned Yoseob’s wrists against the wall above his head and grabbed them with his right hand while he used his left hand to open his own jeans.
“No!” Yoseob shouted desperately. His body strived against his touch when the other tried to undo the button of Yoseob’s jeans.
“You like that, don’t you, slut?”
Yoseob spat in his face. He couldn’t avoid his fist but he didn’t fall to the ground when he punched him. He used the doorframe to steady himself and then he broke into a run. He was after him.
Yoseob didn’t make it to the door because his boyfriend got him first.
“Yoseob!” Yoseob could hear his voice coming from outside the door. His heart jumped hard against his ribcage. Dongwoon was out there and calling for him. “Yoseob!” He was coming closer.
You need to defeat him.
He didn’t feel like it was him who acted. Someone else was controlling him. He turned around to look into the furious eyes of the man who told him he would give him the world only to hurt and abuse him for such a long time. This man stole his life.
Yoseob’s fingers closed around something solid and cool. His knuckles turned white.
This man had cheated on him and told him he wasn’t worth anything. He had violated him and made him his slave. Yoseob hated him. He hated him with all his heart.
“You will be sorry,” that loathsome voice growled and he reached for Yoseob’s throat again. He raised his fist to punch Yoseob.
Yoseob didn’t want to be hurt anymore. He lifted the object and felt like somebody was leading his arm because he didn’t know where suddenly all this strength came from.
He struck a blow against his boyfriend’s head with the object in his hand. Glass shattered when the half-empty beer bottle hit the other’s temple forcefully. Flat beer spilled onto the carpet. Yoseob was like stupefied when his boyfriend slumped to the floor with blood trickling from a wound at his head.
Yoseob stumbled backwards in shock and dropped the broken beer bottle. He couldn’t look away from the lifeless body on the ground.
“Yoseob!”
Something banged against the door. Then there was silence. Yoseob blinked. He felt so dizzy. The blood stained the carpet and the stench of it along with the beer made Yoseob nauseous.
“Yoseob? Yoseob!” It was Dongwoon’s voice once again. He hammered against the door. “Yoseob!”
Yoseob gasped and tried to blink his tears away as he dashed towards the door. His hands shook so badly that he was barely able to open the drawer of the dresser next to the door. There he had kept the key whenever he was at home. Yoseob grabbed the little key but it took him several attempts until he hit the keyhole.
He sobbed and just couldn’t calm down. Dongwoon had stopped calling for him. Yoseob turned the key hastily. There were two loud, suspicious clicks. Yoseob glanced over his shoulder. His boyfriend’s body was still lying on the ground. Yoseob couldn’t see if he was still breathing.
Yoseob ripped the door open and fell forwards against the man who was waiting on the other side.
Dongwoon gasped and wrapped his arms around Yoseob tightly. Yoseob heard him breathe his name. He squeezed his eyes shut and cried so hard that he thought his lungs might burst. He recognized Dongwoon’s smell, his warmth, the way his hand stroked his hair, the way his chest rose and fell hurriedly with his panting.
Yoseob could hear Dongwoon’s heartbeat. The world stood still for a moment.
“Will you leave me?” Yoseob whispers.
“How could we?” Kikwang answers and smiles at Yoseob widely. “We will stay with you forever. We will meet you in your dreams or whenever you need us.” He kisses Yoseob’s lips very tenderly and caresses his nape. “Never forget that.” He steps back with a smile. Yoseob really doesn’t want to let him go.
“You’ll always know we’re there,” Doojoon says and strokes Yoseob’s shoulder. “Don’t you worry.”
“I don’t want to miss you,” Yoseob mutters and casts down his eyes.
This is all so different from what he imagined. He is afraid to lose his friends. He wants to hold on to them. They are real to him. He believes strongly that the world inside his head isn’t just imagination now. They saved him and no matter what anyone says Yoseob wants to believe in it. He knows that they are real. No matter if magical or not. They are there and he owes them.
“You won’t. I promise,” Hyunseung chuckles and jumps towards him. He hugs Yoseob tightly and laughs like he used to laugh when they first met. Yoseob wants to cry in relief. Hyunseung is alright again and Hyunseung never breaks his promises.
“You did well,” Junhyung says fatherly and smiles contently.
“I told you he would,” Kikwang mutters.
“Of course,” Junhyung says and suddenly leans down to kiss Kikwang’s cheek. Kikwang stares at him in surprise.
Doojoon pats Hyunseung’s shoulder to tell him to let go of Yoseob. “You should go now,” he says tenderly. Yoseob doesn’t know whether to smile or not. He feels warm but there is still insecurity and fear.
“What if…”
Kikwang’s finger against his lips silences him. “Don’t,” he whispers. “Don’t be afraid anymore. Just take the risk. You deserve to be happy.”
“Somebody is waiting for you,” Junhyung says and raises an eyebrow meaningfully. Yoseob takes a deep breath and squeezes Kikwang’s hand nervously.
“Don’t be scared,” Kikwang whispers and gently lets go of Yoseob’s hand.
“See you,” Doojoon says and winks. Kikwang carefully turns Yoseob around. Yoseob squints. The light is so bright. Loud sounds reach his ear.
--
“Yoseob,” Dongwoon whispered and furrowed his eyes as he fought back his tears. There were no words to describe the feeling of Yoseob’s body against his and the emotions that filled his chest when he tried to grasp what had just happened.
Through the opened door he could see the body of a man lying on the ground.
Yoseob shivered so badly but he didn’t let go of Dongwoon. It didn’t feel like they had never touched each other before. It just felt more intense than it ever had. Yoseob continued sobbing against his chest and Dongwoon swallowed hard.
“I thought I was too late,” Dongwoon breathed. He didn’t want to recall what had crossed his mind when he had heard that loud bang and the following silence. Dongwoon pressed his lips against the crown of Yoseob’s hair. This was real and with this thought the images inside his mind finally slowed down and the confusion and headache he had suffered from the last few months calmed down. This wasn’t the end though. This was the beginning of something new.
Dongwoon still held Yoseob in his arms when the police finally arrived.
--
Yoseob heard the police horns from outside. There were strange voices. He pressed himself harder against Dongwoon. Someone touched his shoulder. There were so many people around him.
“We’re alright, thank you,” Dongwoon whispered and shooed a police officer away politely.
They didn’t pay attention to them anymore. Policemen swarmed into Yoseob’s old apartment.
Yoseob grabbed Dongwoon’s hand and finally looked up into Dongwoon’s beautiful face. The rising panic that had just threatened to overwhelm him became more bearable. But still he was scared.
“I…I don’t know if I…killed him,” Yoseob whispered.
“Everything will be alright. Calm down,” Dongwoon cooed tenderly and kissed Yoseob’s forehead.
“He…I just wanted to run away. And…then I heard you and…he…he…I didn’t want to…” Yoseob whimpered. He never meant to kill anyone, not even his abuser. Was he dead? Someone called for a doctor.
“Shh,” Dongwoon made. “I understand. It’s alright. It’s not your fault.”
Yoseob closed his eyes and rested his cheek against Dongwoon’s chest. This felt so surreal and yet it felt realer than anything else ever had.
He was with Dongwoon and Dongwoon held him although there were so many people running around them and talking busily. Yoseob looked up. What would happen wasn’t clear but there was something Yoseob knew.
--
Dongwoon looked into Yoseob’s eyes. He frowned when he saw Yoseob’s bruises. Carefully he touched one of the purple patches at Yoseob’s chin with the pad of his thumb.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmured. It was his fault. He should’ve saved Yoseob earlier. Even now Yoseob had had to save himself. He didn’t do anything to help him.
Yoseob shook his head. “I…I need to tell you something,” Yoseob said hurriedly. There were still tears in his eyes.
“What is it?” Dongwoon asked calmly and gently stroked Yoseob’s back to try and make it easier for him to breathe.
“I…I think I love you too. I…I love you too,” Yoseob sobbed and grabbed Dongwoon’s hand at his cheek. He pressed his face against Dongwoon’s palm and closed his eyes.
Dongwoon wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He just stood there and moved his lips wordlessly. He saw paramedics running past him and a policeman pointing towards them. But Dongwoon didn’t comprehend what it meant.
He leaned down and kissed Yoseob’s bruised lips carefully, not to hurt him. Yoseob answered to the kiss hesitantly and the world stood still for a moment.
--
It wasn’t clear what the future would bring but it didn’t matter. They were the calm eye of the cyclone right now and the chaos around them didn’t touch them.
Dongwoon gave Yoseob the strength to get where he was right now but Dongwoon was pulled back into life by saving Yoseob’s. Neither of them would ever understand what it really was that had brought them together but both of them liked to call it faith and maybe magic.
Dust settled onto the keys of the old typewriter that Dongwoon used to write so many stories to kill his loneliness with, inside a small apartment they didn’t return to.
Yoseob had broken free and found someone to start over with. Dongwoon however had been saved without even knowing he needed a savior.
…
And the world stood still for a moment.
-THE END-
Pairing: Kiseob, Dongseob
Rating: R
Word count: 61,206
Summary: Son Dongwoon is a writer who hardly ever goes outside. But even within the safety of his own home Dongwoon witnesses horrible happenings through the thin walls of his apartment. When he starts writing down his thoughts they feel like they're someone else's. This is a story about a windowsill, a black paperweight and horrors that can only happen in fiction...or not?
Yoseob’s heart performs a funny dance inside his chest. Doojoon! He totally forgot about him but now that he sees him step out of his cage he feels excited. Doojoon will help them. And they really need him. But this fight isn’t over yet.
“Fight!”
Doojoon runs like there is someone after him. He grabs the hilt of an axe, sprinting past the weapon stand and heading straight for the tyrant who turns towards Yoseob now. The next second Doojoon reaches him and roughly pushes the hooded one back and away from Yoseob. For a moment Yoseob simply stares at Doojoon but then he remembers Kikwang.
Kikwang sinks slowly to the ground the moment he notices he isn’t on the verge of being attacked. Yoseob rushes towards him and falls to his knees next to him. He can smell the dazing scent of blood.
“Kikwang,” he whispers and desperately shakes his head. This is too much. Kikwang looks so weak and all Yoseob can see in his eyes is pain.
“Hey,” Kikwang breathes. “D-don’t do this. Y-you aren’t allowed to help me.” He grabs Yoseob’s arm and feebly tries to push him away but Yoseob shakes his head harder.
“They have to take you out of the arena. Why don’t they take you out?” Yoseob whimpers and helplessly turns his head. He waits for a solution to pop up but there is nothing, only Kikwang’s pained breath.
“It’s the finale. They expect me to keep fighting,” Kikwang whispers and tries to smile. Yoseob sniffs. This is insane.
“Y-you can’t. I…I don’t want you to…I don’t want to lose you,” Yoseob sobs and strokes Kikwang’s shoulder gently. He doesn’t even hear the impatiently hissing crowd anymore. Kikwang smiles genuinely this time and shakes his head.
“Nonsense,” he says and reaches up to touch Yoseob’s cheek. “You can’t lose me that easily and certainly not like this.”
“Ki…” Yoseob tries but Kikwang interrupts him.
“Shh. Yoseob, whatever happens, no matter how many scars someone inflicts on me, no matter how much I have to suffer…I will always be there and try to guide you…whether I make the right decisions or not. People will try to break me…but I’ll never, never leave you. You are too wonderful for that, I already told you.” Kikwang brushes Yoseob’s tear away.
“They will eliminate one of us every ten minutes now. And I don’t think that there will be another chance for us again. There is not much time,” Kikwang continues and his smile fades away. Yoseob turns his head and suddenly his mind is made up.
“Stay strong,” he whispers and rises to his feet.
Doojoon fights desperately against the tyrant who somehow always keeps the upper hand in the battle. His hood slips off his head when he dodges Doojoon’s axe.
Yoseob furrows his eyebrows in agony and feels fresh tears jumping to his eyes when he sees the man’s features. His angular face is quite handsome and tanned by the sun. His black hair falls into his dark eyes which had and still have the ability to paralyze Yoseob.
And suddenly Yoseob gets so angry and although his vision is blurry with tears when he recognizes who made him and his friends suffer, he raises the sword high above his head and with a loud, earsplitting scream starts his attack.
Yoseob closed his eyes and pressed his hand against his chest to calm his racing heart. He couldn’t read on. He wasn’t ready to do this and he knew he would do it the moment he read it. But he was too weak to win this fight.
Slowly Yoseob opened his eyes and was slightly surprised to find himself inside this familiar room and all by himself. He wiped the tears and the sweat off his face with the sleeve of his pullover.
“Oh god,” he breathed and covered his burning eyes with his palm. The darkness it provided calmed him a little bit. His head pounded with a dull pain and he felt like he was having a fever. Between his fingers he could still feel the rustling material of Dongwoon’s letter.
Yoseob lowered his hand and turned his head to stare at the living room wall. If he could just see right through it, if it would just turn transparent for him for just one minute…
He wanted to see Dongwoon so much. A strange longing overwhelmed him. There was no fear when he thought about Dongwoon. Through this story Dongwoon had told him everything he needed to know. Whether this was magic, whether this had something to do with Dongwoon or not, Yoseob felt something very clearly and it was everywhere inside his body and all around him. And this certainly had something to do with Dongwoon.
But he wasn’t ready for this. This was a step he couldn’t do. Yoseob panicked. His breath sped up worryingly. He had to lie down because otherwise the room just wouldn’t stop spinning. Yoseob closed his eyes with a deep sigh.
He wasn’t ready to open up again. How could he be ready when there was such a high chance that it would fail and that he would get terribly hurt while trying?
But what was a little more pain compared to freedom?
--
Kikwang meets him inside a white hall. It looks like an empty, wide office space with white paving tiles and a wall of glass to his left. At the further end of the room there is a white desk. A typewriter is placed on top of it. Kikwang approaches him slowly and with a bright smile that turns his eyes into thin, black lines.
He wears a white suit and a red dress shirt underneath. When Kikwang comes nearer Yoseob can see that he is crying despite his wide smile.
“Kikwang,” he whispers worriedly but Kikwang doesn’t let him speak. He wraps his arms around Yoseob’s body and kisses the side of his neck.
“Thank you,” Kikwang breathes. The sun shines brightly into the room and makes Yoseob squint.
“What for?” Yoseob coos. “Why are you crying?”
“Thank you for giving me another chance,” Kikwang whispers and swallows a few more tears. He strokes the back of Yoseob’s head gently.
“I don’t understand,” Yoseob says and tries to look at Kikwang’s face but it’s impossible because Kikwang is holding him tightly.
“Thank y-…thank you for giving me something to believe in,” Kikwang murmurs and his voice is husky with tears. “You gave me something to long for. I’ve been hurting for so long, now you gave me something to ache for. I’m alive again…I feel so much after been numb for such a long time,” Kikwang whispers and buries his face in Yoseob’s shoulder, trembling with tears.
Yoseob stares at the blood red sky outside and wraps his arms around Kikwang tighter to comfort him. Here with Kikwang thinking is easier than back at home. With Kikwang holding him thoughts and memories invade his mind like rain dripping into stagnant water.
He thinks about his conversation with Junhyung and the revelation of his hidden nature. Somehow he is afraid that learning something like that about Kikwang would change something between then. He can feel he already knows who Kikwang is, what he is to him. But he doesn’t dare to ask.
When he thinks of Junhyung he doesn’t think of him any differently. It’s strange. It still feels the same. Maybe it’s because he always knew that Junhyung and all of his friends actually are a part of him. It’s hard to believe that they are more than just products of his lonely mind. Maybe they are just that but even then…isn’t it beautiful to believe in things like magic?
Kikwang sniffs but doesn’t move and doesn’t let go of Yoseob. Yoseob closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before opening them again.
“What did I give you?” he asks very hesitantly.
Kikwang stirs softly and lifts his head to look at Yoseob with beautiful but tear-filled eyes. His smile has never been this sincere and breathtaking. A tear slips down his cheek and wets the corner of his mouth.
“Just an idea,” he answers with trembling lips and when he blinks more tears fall and it reminds Yoseob of the crying rainclouds. With the knuckles of his fingers Yoseob wipes a few teardrops away instinctively.
“Which idea?” he whispers and tries to dry Kikwang’s eyes with the pad of his thumb. Kikwang reaches for his hand tenderly.
“The idea that you could be happy with someone once again. The idea of a second chance,” Kikwang answers and smiles so brightly that he outshines the golden sun outside.
Yoseob knows what he is talking about, or better: whom. It’s just that it’s hard to accept so easily. Especially since he knows how painful this ‘idea’ will be. He longs for Dongwoon. He longs for a life with him instead of living at the side of a man who constantly abuses him, cheats on him and hurts him on a daily basis. But if he can’t have Dongwoon, it will hurt.
And Kikwang is aware of it. Maybe that is why he cries. Because Kikwang…
Yoseob casts down his eyes and thinks until his head hurts.
“What?” Kikwang asks and lovingly grabs Yoseob’s chin to make him look at him again.
“I…I just wondered,” Yoseob begins insecurely and deep in thought.
“You ask yourself why I feel like this. And what it means,” Kikwang states amusedly.
Yoseob nods.
“And to what answer did your wondering bring you?” Kikwang asks curiously but in a way that makes Yoseob feel more confident about his answer. Kikwang gives him the courage to talk.
“I think you are my heart.”
It doesn’t feel as embarrassing as it did with Junhyung. It still sounds weird but his life isn’t ordinary either, so why should his friends be?
Kikwang smiles at him warmly and takes his hand. “Yes and no,” he says and his smile becomes crooked. Yoseob doesn’t urge him to tell him what that means. The way Kikwang’s eyes sparkle indicates that he plans to explain everything.
“I’m your heart’s deepest wishes. There are things you long for and there are things your heart needs,” Kikwang finally says and with a sigh lets go of Yoseob. He walks towards the large window. Yoseob follows him.
“You created me…no.” Kikwang turns his head and grins at Yoseob. “Let’s say, you called me, because you were lonely. I’m the symbol of your heart and everything it beats for.”
Yoseob can’t return Kikwang’s smile. He looks down at the far away street of an unknown city. “So that means you just loved me because I wanted someone to love me?” It hurts Yoseob a little bit. He always felt like there was more between him and Kikwang.
Kikwang chuckles. “Again, yes and no.” He crosses his arms behind his back. “I loved you and still love you because you need love and because of that need you continued to love life, maybe not the life you are leading right now but life in general. And you still love yourself, despite everything,” Kikwang says and eyes Yoseob as if he is indeed some kind of rare treasure. Yoseob frowns but doesn’t interrupt Kikwang. He just doesn’t know what to say.
“When you started hating yourself I was devastated. But you found yourself again and the true object of your hatred. You are extraordinary. You are so strong to still believe in love after everything that happened. And that’s why I love you, Yoseob. That’s the reason why I will always love you in a very complicated way,” Kikwang says and steps closer towards Yoseob again.
Yoseob lowers his head. He can’t look into Kikwang’s eyes because he feels so awful.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“There is nothing to be sorry about,” Kikwang says and caresses Yoseob’s cheek with his fingertips.
“I feel like I’m betraying you because I feel like that for Dongwoon,” Yoseob murmurs and still doesn’t look at Kikwang.
“No, you don’t understand,” Kikwang says and tilts his head to catch Yoseob’s eyes. “I love you but it doesn’t mean that I can only love you or that you can only love me. Your feelings for Dongwoon are everything to me right now. You don’t have to feel guilty.”
“B-but does that mean you will leave me?” Yoseob stammers because he doesn’t want Kikwang to leave. He needs him. He loves him.
Kikwang shakes his head. “I’ll be there all the time. You won’t miss me.”
“Kikwang,” Yoseob begins but Kikwang silences him with a single glance. He grabs Yoseob’s hand and turns around.
“Don’t try to understand too much,” he says cheerfully. “Follow me.”
They walk towards the door through which Yoseob believes he entered the room but isn’t so sure about that now. Kikwang turns the golden knob of the door and pulls it open.
“I guess you want to talk to someone else too,” Kikwang says. Yoseob looks at him insecurely before he steps through the door. When the door closes with a creak, Yoseob notices that Kikwang didn’t follow him.
Yoseob thinks he is alone and it really seems like a place where no one else would go to. It’s the skeleton of a building, empty and grey. There are partially demolished walls and pillars that look like they might have looked nice in the past but now only serve the purpose of carrying the ugly grey ceiling.
There are no windows and the floor is littered with tiny pieces of glass. The sun is still setting. Something is falling from the sky like petals. Yoseob stumbles closer towards the large hole that once was a wall and stares with wide eyes at the millions of pages of typed letters flying past him and swirling in the air, carried by the wind. They are everywhere. The wind blows some of them into the building and makes the sheets of paper fly against Yoseob’s feet.
“I think it’s beautiful.”
Yoseob jumps when suddenly a voice comes from a dark corner right next to one of the grey pillars. Hectically Yoseob searches the dark spot for a sign of someone watching him. His eyes fall onto a sitting figure that leans against the pillar.
“Hyunseung,” Yoseob sighs in relief when he recognizes the man’s face. “What are you doing here?”
Hyunseung looks up. He holds something in his arms but Yoseob can’t really make out what it is. “I’m here with Doojoon,” Hyunseung answers casually and rises to his feet. When he steps into the red sunlight Yoseob realizes that the thing Hyunseung carries is something living, an animal.
Yoseob doesn’t ask Hyunseung about it but instead looks around himself. “Doojoon? Where is he?”
“I’m here.” Yoseob recognizes Doojoon’s voice immediately and turns around. Doojoon appears through a gap between the pitiful halves of a shattered wall. He, too, carries something with him. In the hollow of his hands there is a small flower pot with a single, white flower inside. Doojoon smiles.
“Look,” he says and stretches out his arms, presenting them the tiny plant. Yoseob sees nothing special about the flower but Hyunseung seems stunned.
“It’s blossoming,” he whispers reverently and makes way for Doojoon when he walks past him.
“What is it?” Yoseob asks and curiously follows Doojoon to an empty spot close to the former window.
“This,” Doojoon says meaningfully and kneels down on the rough ground. “This is a new beginning for me. And I will take it home.”
“Your home?” Yoseob asks. He never was at Doojoon’s before. He wonders what it’s like there, how Doojoon lives.
“Yes,” Doojoon answers with an unreadable smile and brushes pieces of glass and stone to the side to reveal a small patch of brown earth.
“Where is it?” Yoseob sits down next to Doojoon impatiently.
“It’s here. Right where you are,” Doojoon says and digs a hole with his hand cautiously. Yoseob blinks and looks around disbelievingly.This is where Doojoon lives? This place is completely destroyed. It’s a ruin.
“I’m sorry,” Doojoon says and very carefully takes the little flower out of its pot. “I’ve been a miserable host and this place isn’t as tidy as it used to be but you see there have been quite a few…complications lately,” Doojoon says with a smirk and places the flower into the middle of the tiny hollow he dug. Hyunseung kneels down next to him eagerly.
Yoseob thoughtfully watches Doojoon pressing down the earth around the fragile stem of the little flower. His expression is dark. “It’s because of me, isn’t it?”
Doojoon shakes his head. “It’s because of someone else who shattered your hope,” he murmurs and when he speaks the last words, his voice is so low that Yoseob hardly hears him anymore.
“But while there is life, there is hope,” Hyunseung suddenly says. He shares a secretive glance with Doojoon that makes the latter smile widely.
“Yes,” Doojoon breathes. His fingers caress the white petals of the flower tenderly. “Yes.”
Yoseob is confused by those words and tries to find out what they have to do with anything when he feels something in the pocket of his jeans. It’s a small, cold object and it shimmers in the dying sunlight when Yoseob holds it in the palm of his hand.
It’s the typewriter key that Doojoon gave him. Yoseob doesn’t really know how it got into his pocket but now that it’s there he can’t stop looking at it. He cringes softly when Doojoon’s fingers touch his to close them around the delicate ‘H’ in his hand.
“You’ve been begging me for an answer quite a while now,” Doojoon says in a low voice. Yoseob looks up in surprise. “And I know you’ve talked to Junhyung like you should’ve done much earlier. I also know you’re having a hard time understanding everything. But I’ll try you. I know you can understand once I told you,” he continues while he holds Yoseob’s hand with both of his.
“You keep this, do you hear me?” Doojoon says and his voice is so serious and demanding that Yoseob can’t do anything but nod in agreement and close his fingers tighter around the typewriter key.
“I almost died not so long ago,” Doojoon murmurs softly. “And it was because you lost me bit by bit. I protected you. I kept you whole for a long time but in the end I feared I wasn’t strong enough. You made me your hero…and this is what is left of me.” Doojoon lowers his head and heaves a heavy sigh.
“Doojoon, I…” Yoseob attempts to say something but he can’t think of anything to lift Doojoon’s spirits.
But suddenly Doojoon smiles again and shrugs. “But I’m recovering very fast. Because you listened to me. Because you found your hope again. And therefore you found me.”
Doojoon grins at Yoseob’s confused expression. “Because that’s me.” He squeezes Yoseob’s hand tightly.
“H like Hope.”
What to say in a situation like this? But Doojoon doesn’t expect an answer. He releases Yoseob’s hand and sits back.
“Just don’t let me die, okay?” he says and wriggles his eyebrows meaningfully. Yoseob is speechless but hurries to nod.
The silence that follows gets uncomfortable quickly. Yoseob looks at Hyunseung who is caressing the animal in his arms absentmindedly. Yoseob sees black fur and a sniffing nose. Hyunseung notices that he is watching him and, smiles and shifts the black fur ball in his arms until two long ears become visible.
The black bunny noses Hyunseung’s fingers curiously and tries to jump off of Hyunseung’s lap.
“It’s so cute,” Hyunseung states and lets go of the wriggling animal. The bunny takes a leap to the ground with its long ears bouncing up and down as it moves. It lollops towards Doojoon and makes him chuckle amusedly when it puts its small front paws onto his thigh. The little animal continues its clumsy journey across Doojoon’s destroyed home and after smelling the white flower, scuttles towards a damaged wooden door.
“It wants us to follow,” Hyunseung says cheerfully and gets up instantly. He grins at Yoseob widely and laughs happily before running after the bunny. Doojoon shakes his head but he is laughing at Hyunseung. He winks at Yoseob who has to hurry to catch up with Hyunseung and the bunny.
Yoseob steps through the door and almost trips because the path suddenly falls and slopes towards a railing that encloses an artificial pond. Carefully Yoseob descends towards the railing. There is a beautiful small bridge crossing a lovely stream that leads away from the pond. In the middle of the bridge Kikwang and Junhyung are talking to each other calmly.
It’s relieving that they aren’t fighting for once. Their conversation seems kind and polite. Yoseob walks closer towards them. Hyunseung and Doojoon stay behind but the black bunny keeps lolloping between his feet.
Yoseob is able to properly see Junhyung’s face now and his expression makes him stop for a moment. Junhyung lowers his head and murmurs something Yoseob can’t understand from the distance. However Kikwang suddenly wraps his arms around Junhyung comfortingly. It’s a peaceful picture and somehow makes Yoseob relax.
Slowly he makes his way past blooming bushes until Junhyung finally notices him and looks up. At first he smiles at him but then suddenly his smile fades. A roll of thunder causes the air to vibrate.
“What are you doing here?” Junhyung calls in horror and lets go of Kikwang who swirls around. The wind is turning into a storm. Yoseob pulls his shoulders up against a sudden chill.
Junhyung comes jogging towards him. “Now is not the time to be here!” He grabs Yoseob’s shoulders and shakes him softly. “You have to go. Wake up!”
Yoseob is terribly scared. All at once everything changed from peacefulness to chaos. He stares at Junhyung’s horrified face in shock, can’t move and can’t say anything.
“Wake up!” Junhyung shouts. “Go now!” He shakes Yoseob harder. It’s rough and his grip is painful. Yoseob squeezes his eyes shut. “Now!”
Yoseob woke up with a start and then hit the floor without knowing what had happened. But he understood within one second the very moment a strong hand grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him to his feet so violently that his vision blurred with dizziness.
His boyfriend was back and he was angry. And then Yoseob remembered everything. He remembered meeting Dongwoon at the window, he remembered his letter and he remembered how tired he had been. He had fallen asleep on the couch with the letter in his hand!
Yoseob cringed and let out a scared gasp when his boyfriend grabbed his chin brutally and made him look up at him. He shoved a suspiciously familiar looking piece of paper into his face so abruptly that Yoseob thought he was going to punch him and tried to get away.
“What is that?” his lover yelled furiously and waved Dongwoon’s letter vigorously.
The words just spilled out of Yoseob, he couldn’t think of anything else to do but lie. “I-it’s nothing, it’s nothing,” he stammered and tried to hold back the tears. How could he let this happen? How could he have been so incautious? His whole body was protesting in premonition of the pain he already expected.
“Who wrote this? Who the fucking hell writes this for you?”
Yoseob shrunk with every word his lover yelled. Unconsciously he pulled his shoulders up as if he could hide inside an invisible shell. He waited for the punch to his face. He just hoped it would come soon because the fear of the pain was the worst.
“Nobody. I…I…” Yoseob tried to think of something that sounded plausible and wasn’t the truth. He couldn’t tell him about Dongwoon. Dongwoon had to stay safe.
“Someone was here, am I right?” his boyfriend roared and Yoseob shook his head vehemently while closing his eyes. “You let someone into my apartment you fucking asshole!”
“N-no. I…I wouldn’t, I…”
It almost came as a relief when finally the inevitable punch hit his face. Yoseob fell silent and didn’t dare to move anymore. He remained looking down and trying to breathe calmly while his boyfriend was panting in front of him.
“Don’t you dare lie to me! Who was it?” Yoseob gasped and looked up when the other grabbed his arm hard. Yoseob simply shook his head. He couldn’t tell him.
Yoseob cried out in pain when his boyfriend yanked his head back by his hair. “Who is the bastard who writes that he loves you and thinks he can steal you from me?”
Yoseob blinked rapidly. Dongwoon wrote that? Was that how the story ended? Stubbornly Yoseob pressed his lips together and refused to answer, a gesture he wouldn’t have dared a day ago.
“Oh…” his lover made derisively. “I get it.” He pushed him so hard that Yoseob lost his balance and fell with a loud bang against the coffee table.
“You want to protect that asshole. You want to run away with him.”
Yoseob’s arms hurt from where he hit the sharp edge of the coffee table. He already regretted his behavior. He shouldn’t have done it. He should have tried to calm his boyfriend. Now the other was so mad at him and Yoseob was terribly scared. Hastily he crawled backwards and away from the other. But where to run to?
“But who would want someone like you? Someone is playing with you, Yoseob. And I don’t like someone playing with my property.”
Yoseob yelped but was too slow to escape. A strong hand grabbed his wrist and then he was pulled up to his knees. A rough fist clenched inside his hair. Tears sprung to his eyes.
“You are disgusting.” Hot breath rolled across his nape. Yoseob sniffed. “Now tell me, who is it?”
Yoseob shivered. He wouldn’t tell him. “Let me go,” he whimpered. He wanted this man to be gone. He wanted to be alone.
“What was that?”
Yoseob froze. He had made too many mistakes and he knew he would pay. “Please,” he breathed but nothing could appease his boyfriend anymore.
The other didn’t say anything but unceremoniously grabbed Yoseob’s upper arm and dragged him towards the bed room door. Yoseob couldn’t even stumble to his feet in time and was literally pulled across the floor, no matter how hard he tried to refuse.
There, in front of their shared bed, he pulled Yoseob to his feet and punched him so hard that Yoseob fell back and his back hit the foot end of the bed. Helplessly he dropped to the ground. His experience told him to just curl into a ball and wait until everything was over but right now he was panicking. With rushing breath and racing heartbeat he tried to crawl away from the other.
“I’m going to find out who it was and you are going to regret thinking that you could disobey me.” Yoseob slumped to the ground when his boyfriend stepped onto his back with one foot.
“I didn’t want to… Please!” Yoseob screamed. His boyfriend rolled him around and the next second he was straddling his hips. He hit him again and again until Yoseob saw nothing but white stars dotting his otherwise black vision. A few seconds passed in which his boyfriend waited for him to recover.
“And nobody will steal you from me. You fucking belong to me and you will fucking remember.”
“Please don’t!” Yoseob cried. He didn’t want the other to touch him. He didn’t want to get hurt. His hands seemed so weak when he tried to push the other off of him. His helplessly flailing arms were no challenge for the other.
“Please! No! NO! Let go of me!”
--
“Now tell me, who is it?”
Dongwoon shook his head. “No,” he breathed and jumped to his feet. Yoseob screamed. The noises became fainter. They moved to another room but Dongwoon could still hear Yoseob cry. There was a loud bang and another. Yoseob screamed again.
“Who wrote that?” Dongwoon could hear distinctly after a few more moments.
He had found out. Dongwoon broke into a run. He had to do something but he remembered all too clearly what had happened the last time he tried to interfere.
“Leave me alone! NO!”
Dongwoon grabbed the receiver of his phone and dialed as fast as he could.
The voice of the policeman was too calm when he answered Dongwoon’s call. Dongwoon felt like fainting with fear already. He couldn’t leave Yoseob alone like this. Who knew what this madman would do to Yoseob? There was no time.
“My neighbor is attacking is companion. He…”
They told him to calm down. They told him to wait and do nothing no matter how hard Dongwoon tried to explain to them that this man was likely to kill Yoseob or hurt him severely. He didn’t think they were really listening or interested in Yoseob’s faith.
Dongwoon hung up in exhaustion and tried not to storm out of his apartment immediately. The police had told him to wait. They knew how to do their job. Besides, what could he do? He would make it worse once again.
--
The blankets slipped away under his fingers. He was disorientated and cried so hard that he couldn’t see a single thing anymore. His nails scratched across the other’s cheek. A knee hit his stomach and knocked all the air out of his lungs. Yoseob wheezed and was left totally defenseless.
“No!”
“Hold still!” His boyfriend forced his knees between his legs. Yoseob tried to kick him but couldn’t reach him. The other pinned his wrists to the mattress. His grip cut off the circulation in his arms.
“You hurt me!” Yoseob screamed. “Please let me go! Let go!” But his sobs went unheard. He didn’t want this anymore. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to be gone. While his body’s refuses grew weaker his mind escaped to somewhere else.
Yoseob waits with his eyes closed and listens to the silence around him. His breathing calms down.
“Hello?” a thin voice calls, resonates eerily and then fades away. Slowly Yoseob opens his eyes.
It’s dark all around him but he assumes he is inside a small, empty room. In the very middle there is a dim ray of cold, white lighting falling onto a patch of the rough concrete floor. Yoseob gasps and the sound seems so loud in the silence. There is Hyunseung in the middle of the small lit circle, like there is a spotlight shining onto him.
Hyunseung is naked and curled into a ball. His hair is wet as if he ran through the rain. He shivers and weeps bitterly while he looks around fearfully. Apparently he can’t see Yoseob but winces when he hears him gasp.
“H-hello?” he whimpers and hurriedly wipes the tears out of his eyes in order to clear his vision. “I-is somebody there?”
Like waking up from a trance Yoseob starts moving and takes off his jacket although he doesn’t remember wearing it in the first place. He rushes towards Hyunseung who flinches when he hears the sound of his steps coming closer.
“Who’s there?” Hyunseung whines and his fingers try to dry his eyes agitatedly.
“It’s me…it’s me, Hyunseung. It’s alright,” Yoseob hushes him and crouches down next to him to wrap his jacket around Hyunseung’s shoulders.
“Yoseobie,” Hyunseung whimpers and two large tears roll down his cheeks. “Yoseobie,” he repeats feebly and slings his arms around Yoseob helplessly.
“Shh,” Yoseob makes although he doesn’t know what’s wrong. He strokes Hyunseung’s head instinctively and tries to cover as much of Hyunseung’s trembling body as possible.
“I’m so scared,” Hyunseung sobs and claws the fabrics of Yoseob’s shirt. “So scared.”
“Why?” Yoseob whispers and tries to hold Hyunseung closer to his body. To see Hyunseung scared and helpless like this is unbearable. Yoseob wants to cry himself. He can’t stand Hyunseung crying. It hurts. He sniffs and tries to hold back his tears. He wants to beg Hyunseung to stop crying.
“It’s so dark,” Hyunseung wails. “I’m so scared of the darkness. All I can see is darkness.” He presses his head against Yoseob’s shoulder. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.”
“I won’t,” Yoseob answers immediately and rubs Hyunseung’s back to warm him. He shushes him tenderly but Hyunseung just doesn’t seem like he’ll be able to stop crying soon. He is totally distraught. His chest jerks with every hasty breath he draws.
“I…I don’t want the darkness to get me. I don’t want it to swallow me. It will swallow me, Yoseob,” Hyunseung whimpers desperately and reaches for Yoseob’s hand. The tips of his fingers are cold as ice.
“It can’t harm you,” Yoseob tries to calm Hyunseung but the other shakes his head vigorously. “You will leave me behind!” he shrieks and his nails dig into the back of Yoseob’s hand. “Don’t!”
“No…no, I won’t,” Yoseob replies sincerely. He wants Hyunseung to believe him but Hyunseung keeps shaking his head.
“Why do you think I’d leave you?” Yoseob asks and sniffs again. His eyes sting terribly. He doesn’t want to cry, he wants to be strong for Hyunseung.
“Because he won’t be able to follow you for much longer.”
Yoseob squints against the sudden light. Doojoon leans against the wall in front of them. When Yoseob wants to look at Hyunseung again he notices that instead of him he holds a bouquet of flowers.
“Why? What’s wrong with him?” Yoseob shouts because it’s upsetting not to know what’s going on. He stumbles to his feet and almost trips over a small, red and yellow radio that looks like it belongs into a children’s room.
There are toys all around them, littering the floor like a whole kindergarten played here before.
Doojoon lowers his head. “He is not strong enough to take it anymore. Right now he is on the verge of being damaged for good.”
Yoseob notices Doojoon is staring at a spot behind him and swirls around. There is a bed with a canopy studded with embroidered stars. Yoseob recognizes Hyunseung who looks like he is sleeping but suffering from a terrible nightmare. He is tossing and turning and kicking the blanket with his feet. Next to the bed there is Kikwang, sitting on a chair and looking at Hyunseung worriedly. On the other side of the bed Junhyung leans against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“Why is he like this?” Yoseob asks and stares at Hyunseung helplessly.
“He struggles against being abandoned. He doesn’t want to cease to exist,” Kikwang murmurs and slowly meets Yoseob’s horrified eyes.
“What does that mean?” Yoseob calls out and wants to walk towards Hyunseung when suddenly something hinders him to do so. Something rough cuts the skin of his wrists.
“Hyunseung can’t continue fighting for much longer,” Kikwang says as if he doesn’t even notice that Yoseob has trouble to move. “He is going to be eliminated.” Kikwang emphasizes his words carefully. Something about them sounds familiar.
“Why? What is going on! How can I help him?” Yoseob yells and tries to get to Hyunseung but the pain in his wrists grows the instant he tries to move. Thick ropes are tied around his wrists and binding him to the wall that is the furthest away from Hyunseung.
“What is this?” he gasps and tries to free himself but another rope suddenly tightens around his abdomen. Yoseob winces in pain. “Help me!”
Junhyung’s expression is sad when he looks at Hyunseung as if he didn’t hear Yoseob. “You mustn’t lose him, Yoseob,” Junhyung murmurs and his eyes find Yoseob who clenches his teeth and tries to fight against the ropes that want to pull him away from Hyunseung.
“Junhyung!” Yoseob calls desperately but none of his friends reacts.
“I can’t help you,” Junhyung says gloomily. For a moment the ropes stop pulling at Yoseob.
“What am I supposed to do? Why is this happening to him?” he sobs. Junhyung sighs.
“Because you are about to break. You are going to resign when he hurts you again because hope was good for nothing and loving Dongwoon only brought you more pain,” Junhyung murmurs and shakes his head crestfallenly. “You think that you don’t deserve to be saved. Everything was in vain. You see that nothing ever changes and that being hurt is so much easier than healing.” Junhyung doesn’t look at him anymore. He seems to be inside his own world.
Yoseob frowns. “No!” he yells. “I won’t. Just tell me what to do!” He doesn’t want to believe what Junhyung says.
“Do you want to know why Hyunseung’s like this?” Kikwang asks gently instead of giving Yoseob an answer. Yoseob nods impatiently.
“Do you remember that Hyunseung came to you before any of us did?” Junhyung continues instead of Kikwang who smiles at Yoseob apologetically while he reaches for Hyunseung’s hand.
Yoseob tries to remember that time when it all started. It took him long to figure out that he was trapped, that something went wrong. He hit him so often. He hurt him so much. But then Hyunseung appeared and Yoseob talked to him endless nights.
Yoseob nods while allowing his thoughts to linger in the past for a little longer.
“Hyunseung came to you to protect you,” Junhyung says. “Bit by bit you used him to take pieces of yourself and put them into him. Your wishes, your thoughts…your soul.”
Yoseob stares at Junhyung with wide eyes. “He’s my soul?” he whispers disbelievingly. Hesitantly he turns his head to look at Hyunseung.
“Hyunseung is a vessel where you put your true self before someone could take it away from you,” Kikwang explains and tenderly strokes Hyunseung’s hand. “You used him as a safe place to preserve yourself and keep your soul from permanent damage. He likes what you liked and fears what you feared. He is the child you once were and the man you grew to be before…everything changed.” Kikwang clears his throat and avoids looking at Yoseob.
“But he became fragile. Everything you had to endure made him weaker. And when he is gone, you’ll be gone too. You won’t be who you used to be and will be damaged beyond repair,” Junhyung murmurs and furrows his brows in deep worry. “He’ll break you. You can’t let this happen.”
It’s too much. Yoseob shakes his head. “But how? What should I do? Help me!”
“You need to defeat him, I whisper and look over my shoulder because I don’t know how much time we have until they get suspicious.”
Yoseob turns his head and sees Doojoon standing next to him. He holds a piece of paper in his hand and reads out loud what is written there. Every word sounds so familiar to Yoseob.
“Why me, you ask and I hear how upset you are. But I answer calmly. Because you are the only one I could trust with this, I say. And you are the only one who is able to. You need to defeat him, I tell you. It’s the only way. It’s important that you know. It’s more important than anything else.”
“Doojoon,” Yoseob whispers but he doesn’t get the chance to say anything else because suddenly the ropes are ripping at his arms and waist and it hurts so terribly. He wants to scream but a very soft voice stops him.
“Yoseobie…”
Everyone turns their head to look at the bed where Hyunseung is lying. Very clumsily Hyunseung tries to sit up. He stretches his arm out for Yoseob.
“Please don’t leave me alone!” Hyunseung calls and leans forwards as wide as he can but he is too weak to move much. “Please don’t forget me! Don’t abandon me!”
“Hyunseung!” Yoseob calls for him. He wants to get closer towards him but the ropes cut his skin and suffocate him.
“You try to protest. I know you don’t understand right now, but I also know you’ll do the right thing when it comes to it,” Yoseob hears Doojoon’s voice recite Dongwoon’s letter. He starts crying. He wants to understand. He wants to fight. He wants to save Hyunseung. He wants to save himself.
“Yoseob!” Hyunseung cries out desperately. “Please hold my hand! I don’t want to be alone!”
Yoseob screams and tries to rip the ropes but they are too strong. His feet slip on the floor when the ropes pull him further away from Hyunseung. Yoseob looks over his shoulder and sees nothing but black darkness. “No!” he yells and throws himself against his restraints.
“We stop in front of the door and I make you look at me,” Doojoon murmurs hurriedly as if he isn’t even aware of what is happening. Junhyung and Kikwang are gone. There is only Hyunseung who desperately tries to stretch his arm out a little more while tears stream down his face. And there is Doojoon’s voice like a murmur against Yoseob’s ear.
“You can do that, I whisper and smile at you fondly so that you know that whatever happens…”
“Take my hand! Yoseob, take my hand!”
“I will be right there for you.”
“Please, Yoseob!” Hyunseung cries and Yoseob lets out a desperate scream. He clenches his teeth and pulls at the rope around his right wrist with all the strength he possesses.
“Let me go!” he yells and pushes himself forwards. The rope rips with a cracking sound.
His hand was free and he struck his head as hard as he could. The other groaned and let go of him for a second. Hastily Yoseob rolled to the side and fell off the bed. Before he could get up again he felt a hand at his shoulder.
“No!” Yoseob screamed and started to hit his boyfriend’s arm. “Don’t touch me!”
He didn’t really comprehend what happened but suddenly he was on the bed again, head hanging over the edge of the bed at the foot end. The other was on top of him. Yoseob struggled as hard as he could.
“You little slut! Hold still! I told you to fucking obey me!”
“No. No. No,” Yoseob gasped and tried to push him off of him. His fists hit his boyfriend’s chest continuously but it was in vain.
“You belong to me, understood? You aren’t worth anything without me. And don’t worry, I will find out who wrote this letter and he will regret it as much as you do,” his lover murmured triumphantly.
Yoseob sobbed loudly and tried to crawl away but the other grabbed Yoseob’s chin brutally and kissed him roughly.
You need to defeat him.
Yoseob bit those ungentle lips hard enough to break the skin. His boyfriend jerked back and slapped Yoseob in the face.
“You’ll pay for this, little fuck!”
Yoseob didn’t want to hear those words anymore. He was sick of being called ugly things like that.
“Stop it!” he screamed but then he cried out in pain when the other grabbed his side so hard that Yoseob could already feel a bruise forming. He rolled Yoseob around and shoved his hands under his shirt.
Yoseob bawled loudly and everything grew hazy with tears. Every touch hurt so much. It disgusted him. It was torture.
It’s the only way.
Yoseob could feel him trying to grab his wrists and force them down. Yoseob wanted to kick him. Somehow he managed to push himself off the bed. He was on all fours and rammed his elbow into his boyfriend’s ribcage.
In panic Yoseob stumbled off the bed. He heard him running after him.
Yoseob couldn’t even scream when he slammed him against the wall. He couldn’t breathe. A hand closed around his throat.
It’s important that you know.
Yoseob didn’t want to live like this anymore. But he didn’t want to die either.
--
Dongwoon knocked over his chair when he ran towards the door. He couldn’t take it anymore. The police took too long.
He had to do something.
He didn’t think of getting something to defend himself with or at least break the door open. All he could think of was Yoseob and that he had to stop whatever this monster was doing to him right now.
--
Yoseob sobbed helplessly.
“Say that you’re sorry, Yoseob. Say that you are going to do whatever I want from you.”
Yoseob wheezed when the hand around his throat tightened its grip.
“Y-you said you loved me,” Yoseob whispered and a silent tear rolled down his cheek. His boyfriend laughed loudly.
“You are good enough to work and to have some fun,” he said with a cold smile. “Now apologize.”
It’s more important than anything else.
Yoseob pressed his lips together and stared at him scornfully.
“Just wait, I’ll make you remember who you belong to.”
Yoseob screamed and protested until he was hoarse but he just couldn’t push him away. He pinned Yoseob’s wrists against the wall above his head and grabbed them with his right hand while he used his left hand to open his own jeans.
“No!” Yoseob shouted desperately. His body strived against his touch when the other tried to undo the button of Yoseob’s jeans.
“You like that, don’t you, slut?”
Yoseob spat in his face. He couldn’t avoid his fist but he didn’t fall to the ground when he punched him. He used the doorframe to steady himself and then he broke into a run. He was after him.
Yoseob didn’t make it to the door because his boyfriend got him first.
“Yoseob!” Yoseob could hear his voice coming from outside the door. His heart jumped hard against his ribcage. Dongwoon was out there and calling for him. “Yoseob!” He was coming closer.
You need to defeat him.
He didn’t feel like it was him who acted. Someone else was controlling him. He turned around to look into the furious eyes of the man who told him he would give him the world only to hurt and abuse him for such a long time. This man stole his life.
Yoseob’s fingers closed around something solid and cool. His knuckles turned white.
This man had cheated on him and told him he wasn’t worth anything. He had violated him and made him his slave. Yoseob hated him. He hated him with all his heart.
“You will be sorry,” that loathsome voice growled and he reached for Yoseob’s throat again. He raised his fist to punch Yoseob.
Yoseob didn’t want to be hurt anymore. He lifted the object and felt like somebody was leading his arm because he didn’t know where suddenly all this strength came from.
He struck a blow against his boyfriend’s head with the object in his hand. Glass shattered when the half-empty beer bottle hit the other’s temple forcefully. Flat beer spilled onto the carpet. Yoseob was like stupefied when his boyfriend slumped to the floor with blood trickling from a wound at his head.
Yoseob stumbled backwards in shock and dropped the broken beer bottle. He couldn’t look away from the lifeless body on the ground.
“Yoseob!”
Something banged against the door. Then there was silence. Yoseob blinked. He felt so dizzy. The blood stained the carpet and the stench of it along with the beer made Yoseob nauseous.
“Yoseob? Yoseob!” It was Dongwoon’s voice once again. He hammered against the door. “Yoseob!”
Yoseob gasped and tried to blink his tears away as he dashed towards the door. His hands shook so badly that he was barely able to open the drawer of the dresser next to the door. There he had kept the key whenever he was at home. Yoseob grabbed the little key but it took him several attempts until he hit the keyhole.
He sobbed and just couldn’t calm down. Dongwoon had stopped calling for him. Yoseob turned the key hastily. There were two loud, suspicious clicks. Yoseob glanced over his shoulder. His boyfriend’s body was still lying on the ground. Yoseob couldn’t see if he was still breathing.
Yoseob ripped the door open and fell forwards against the man who was waiting on the other side.
Dongwoon gasped and wrapped his arms around Yoseob tightly. Yoseob heard him breathe his name. He squeezed his eyes shut and cried so hard that he thought his lungs might burst. He recognized Dongwoon’s smell, his warmth, the way his hand stroked his hair, the way his chest rose and fell hurriedly with his panting.
Yoseob could hear Dongwoon’s heartbeat. The world stood still for a moment.
“Will you leave me?” Yoseob whispers.
“How could we?” Kikwang answers and smiles at Yoseob widely. “We will stay with you forever. We will meet you in your dreams or whenever you need us.” He kisses Yoseob’s lips very tenderly and caresses his nape. “Never forget that.” He steps back with a smile. Yoseob really doesn’t want to let him go.
“You’ll always know we’re there,” Doojoon says and strokes Yoseob’s shoulder. “Don’t you worry.”
“I don’t want to miss you,” Yoseob mutters and casts down his eyes.
This is all so different from what he imagined. He is afraid to lose his friends. He wants to hold on to them. They are real to him. He believes strongly that the world inside his head isn’t just imagination now. They saved him and no matter what anyone says Yoseob wants to believe in it. He knows that they are real. No matter if magical or not. They are there and he owes them.
“You won’t. I promise,” Hyunseung chuckles and jumps towards him. He hugs Yoseob tightly and laughs like he used to laugh when they first met. Yoseob wants to cry in relief. Hyunseung is alright again and Hyunseung never breaks his promises.
“You did well,” Junhyung says fatherly and smiles contently.
“I told you he would,” Kikwang mutters.
“Of course,” Junhyung says and suddenly leans down to kiss Kikwang’s cheek. Kikwang stares at him in surprise.
Doojoon pats Hyunseung’s shoulder to tell him to let go of Yoseob. “You should go now,” he says tenderly. Yoseob doesn’t know whether to smile or not. He feels warm but there is still insecurity and fear.
“What if…”
Kikwang’s finger against his lips silences him. “Don’t,” he whispers. “Don’t be afraid anymore. Just take the risk. You deserve to be happy.”
“Somebody is waiting for you,” Junhyung says and raises an eyebrow meaningfully. Yoseob takes a deep breath and squeezes Kikwang’s hand nervously.
“Don’t be scared,” Kikwang whispers and gently lets go of Yoseob’s hand.
“See you,” Doojoon says and winks. Kikwang carefully turns Yoseob around. Yoseob squints. The light is so bright. Loud sounds reach his ear.
--
“Yoseob,” Dongwoon whispered and furrowed his eyes as he fought back his tears. There were no words to describe the feeling of Yoseob’s body against his and the emotions that filled his chest when he tried to grasp what had just happened.
Through the opened door he could see the body of a man lying on the ground.
Yoseob shivered so badly but he didn’t let go of Dongwoon. It didn’t feel like they had never touched each other before. It just felt more intense than it ever had. Yoseob continued sobbing against his chest and Dongwoon swallowed hard.
“I thought I was too late,” Dongwoon breathed. He didn’t want to recall what had crossed his mind when he had heard that loud bang and the following silence. Dongwoon pressed his lips against the crown of Yoseob’s hair. This was real and with this thought the images inside his mind finally slowed down and the confusion and headache he had suffered from the last few months calmed down. This wasn’t the end though. This was the beginning of something new.
Dongwoon still held Yoseob in his arms when the police finally arrived.
--
Yoseob heard the police horns from outside. There were strange voices. He pressed himself harder against Dongwoon. Someone touched his shoulder. There were so many people around him.
“We’re alright, thank you,” Dongwoon whispered and shooed a police officer away politely.
They didn’t pay attention to them anymore. Policemen swarmed into Yoseob’s old apartment.
Yoseob grabbed Dongwoon’s hand and finally looked up into Dongwoon’s beautiful face. The rising panic that had just threatened to overwhelm him became more bearable. But still he was scared.
“I…I don’t know if I…killed him,” Yoseob whispered.
“Everything will be alright. Calm down,” Dongwoon cooed tenderly and kissed Yoseob’s forehead.
“He…I just wanted to run away. And…then I heard you and…he…he…I didn’t want to…” Yoseob whimpered. He never meant to kill anyone, not even his abuser. Was he dead? Someone called for a doctor.
“Shh,” Dongwoon made. “I understand. It’s alright. It’s not your fault.”
Yoseob closed his eyes and rested his cheek against Dongwoon’s chest. This felt so surreal and yet it felt realer than anything else ever had.
He was with Dongwoon and Dongwoon held him although there were so many people running around them and talking busily. Yoseob looked up. What would happen wasn’t clear but there was something Yoseob knew.
--
Dongwoon looked into Yoseob’s eyes. He frowned when he saw Yoseob’s bruises. Carefully he touched one of the purple patches at Yoseob’s chin with the pad of his thumb.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmured. It was his fault. He should’ve saved Yoseob earlier. Even now Yoseob had had to save himself. He didn’t do anything to help him.
Yoseob shook his head. “I…I need to tell you something,” Yoseob said hurriedly. There were still tears in his eyes.
“What is it?” Dongwoon asked calmly and gently stroked Yoseob’s back to try and make it easier for him to breathe.
“I…I think I love you too. I…I love you too,” Yoseob sobbed and grabbed Dongwoon’s hand at his cheek. He pressed his face against Dongwoon’s palm and closed his eyes.
Dongwoon wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He just stood there and moved his lips wordlessly. He saw paramedics running past him and a policeman pointing towards them. But Dongwoon didn’t comprehend what it meant.
He leaned down and kissed Yoseob’s bruised lips carefully, not to hurt him. Yoseob answered to the kiss hesitantly and the world stood still for a moment.
--
It wasn’t clear what the future would bring but it didn’t matter. They were the calm eye of the cyclone right now and the chaos around them didn’t touch them.
Dongwoon gave Yoseob the strength to get where he was right now but Dongwoon was pulled back into life by saving Yoseob’s. Neither of them would ever understand what it really was that had brought them together but both of them liked to call it faith and maybe magic.
Dust settled onto the keys of the old typewriter that Dongwoon used to write so many stories to kill his loneliness with, inside a small apartment they didn’t return to.
Yoseob had broken free and found someone to start over with. Dongwoon however had been saved without even knowing he needed a savior.
…
And the world stood still for a moment.
-THE END-