Let the die be cast.
Today I had a meeting with a magistrate. Firstly, and most importantly, magistrate?! That's a sweet term for a gig. "What do you do Phil?"
"Oh, I am a magistrate."
"Jesus Phil can you cast spells or something?"
"Nah, just divorce people."
"Accio, Heart-breako!"
I use this journal to record how I feel, what I am thinking in the moment. What I would like to say is "good riddens" or "Boy sure am glad I cut my losses on that."
The truth is my feelings now are of pain, darkness, sadness, longing... but not in the ways you or I might expect. I mourn the future we had planned, not the present that is. I long for companionship of someone that loves me, which isn't her. The pain, the darkness, that is temporary.... and I know it. But it still sucks. Maybe it doesn't suck like malaria, but it still hurts.
Probably the thing that hurts the worst is knowing she refuses to look at herself, to be introspective. She is so quickly to flinch at any move that I make that... well... fuck I don't know.
The take home point is this... the woman I married, Stephanie Michelle Worley, is not the woman I divorced. I married a kind, gentle, thoughtful woman, who's heart overflowed with love and affection, who was content with a day of Chinese food, sex, and x-files. The woman I divorced has some Miley Cyrus wannabe hair, a coldness that makes Vladamir Puttin seem like a Care Bears, and who is so afraid of ... something... that she refuses to try to fix anything but would rather run from her problems.
She ran from Conner. She ran from Laika. She ran like her Mom ran. She ran from our marriage. I begged for marriage counseling. I would have done everything I could to fix things. But in the end, it takes two people to get married... and only one person to get divorced.
Future Alex, remember, you loved her. You know you loved her by how much it hurts now.
-Alex
"Oh, I am a magistrate."
"Jesus Phil can you cast spells or something?"
"Nah, just divorce people."
"Accio, Heart-breako!"
I use this journal to record how I feel, what I am thinking in the moment. What I would like to say is "good riddens" or "Boy sure am glad I cut my losses on that."
The truth is my feelings now are of pain, darkness, sadness, longing... but not in the ways you or I might expect. I mourn the future we had planned, not the present that is. I long for companionship of someone that loves me, which isn't her. The pain, the darkness, that is temporary.... and I know it. But it still sucks. Maybe it doesn't suck like malaria, but it still hurts.
Probably the thing that hurts the worst is knowing she refuses to look at herself, to be introspective. She is so quickly to flinch at any move that I make that... well... fuck I don't know.
The take home point is this... the woman I married, Stephanie Michelle Worley, is not the woman I divorced. I married a kind, gentle, thoughtful woman, who's heart overflowed with love and affection, who was content with a day of Chinese food, sex, and x-files. The woman I divorced has some Miley Cyrus wannabe hair, a coldness that makes Vladamir Puttin seem like a Care Bears, and who is so afraid of ... something... that she refuses to try to fix anything but would rather run from her problems.
She ran from Conner. She ran from Laika. She ran like her Mom ran. She ran from our marriage. I begged for marriage counseling. I would have done everything I could to fix things. But in the end, it takes two people to get married... and only one person to get divorced.
Future Alex, remember, you loved her. You know you loved her by how much it hurts now.
-Alex