There should be a title here ...
This weekend:
- Water stuff if it didn’t rain a lot
- Bills
- Figure out which bills have my ex's name on them and get it off
- Syko
- Rewatch
- Paint touch up
- Get rid of paint cans in garage
- Read Liars and Outliers
- House sit at my parent's place
- Write smut if the fancy strikes me
I’m in a good place - a really good one. Here’s what’s up with me:
My ex hasn’t bothered me lately. Also, he’s been alert and oriented every time I’ve interacted with him for the last couple weeks.
The refinance of my house mortgage seems to be going well. I have high hopes for it. If it goes through, my credit card bill will be paid off, I’ll have $5000 cash, my monthly mortgage bill will go down $130, and I’ll be paying one year LESS than my current mortgage. It’s an outrageous plus. The cash will go to replenish my depleted emergency account, create a buffer in my checking account, and pay off more of my student loan. With the credit card debt off my back, combined with a lower monthly payment, I’ll really be able to go to town on getting rid of the student loan. I should be able to get rid of it within a year. If the refinance does not go through, then I’m still fine, though I’ll be pissy about the benefits I’ll have to forego.
I’m healthy. Seem to have bounced back fine from whatever it was I had, aside from a continuing aversion to fatty or greasy foods and a sudden affinity for rice and saltines. Seriously, I used to hate saltines. Now they’re delicious. It’s an interesting data point in something I’ve been pondering since having kids - which is whether our dietary preferences have to do with the food itself, or with us (or in this case, the bacteria and stuff in our gut that does the actual digesting of food). Makes me wonder if a person could take a pill and suddenly like foods they previously hated. What does that say about regional food preferences? What does it say about culinary expertise when the real determining factor of whether people like your cooking is predetermined before the plate ever hits the table?
My kids are healthy. We went out and got new clothes for them last night. I’m amused that my ex is on the hook for 50% of the costs. I shouldn’t be. But I clearly see the perverse incentive in the situation. There’s nothing to keep me from buying them twice as much stuff and sending him the bill. I’m very glad that *I* did the shopping instead of him, otherwise I’d be upset wondering if he’d done exactly that. I didn’t buy much, but I expect him to be unhappy about it anyway. He’s always had my money to pay for things in the past. Now it’s coming out of his pocket.
My parents are a little troubled at the moment. My sister’s son … he was very athletic, social, big, tall, muscular, and fairly handsome kid in high school. Thought a lot of himself and was just as self-absorbed as my sister and his father. Very much the product of his upbringing (disclaimer: she’s only my half-sister, and the impact of that genetic switch is astounding). Stereotypical jock. He got out of high school and collapsed, though. Depression. Unemployment. Refused to work. Partied a lot. Wouldn’t do chores. Abusive to parents. Slept all the time that he wasn’t eating, bothering people for money, or partying. He was eventually shipped off to some relatives in Canada who promised a job on an oilfield crew. It’s hard work, good money, isolated, no-nonsense sort of people far away from the bad crowd he was running with. He stuck it out for a little while before fleeing. Now he’s back in Oklahoma with his druggy friends. They’ve taken to robbing people, starting with relatives first. They took a dozen or so power tools of my father’s a couple months ago and stopped by again last night to tap the well again. My father ran them off and is now threatening to kill them if they come back. Nephew is of course being hysterical about the whole thing, acting like being denied the right to wander around his grandparent’s property unescorted is a crime against conscience. The more stupid nephew is about this, the more my dad thinks he needs to shoot him. I’m glad I’ve taken to locking all the doors. Plus I’m not sure nephew knows where I live. I need to get that pistol back from my dad. I’ve seen this cycle with my sister. Killing nephew would save everyone about two decades of misery, maybe three or four (and better humanity in general if it prevents him from reproducing). My parents are going out of town this weekend, so my job is to house sit and plug holes in any unwelcome doofuses.
The heat wave is finally breaking. I hope it starts raining regularly soon so I don’t have to keep watering all the dang trees!
I don’t have the kids this weekend. I think I’ll loll around a lot. That’s what I planned to do last weekend, but I was busy with that leadership retreat on Saturday and then sick all day Sunday.
The Advance Directive/Living Will is all done and filed with my doctor, in my mother’s safe, and in my “In Case of Death” folder.
The will is nearly done. I need to inquire a bit more about my 3M pension plan and talk to the backup executor to make sure she’s on board with it. After that, I’ll be ready to take it to the attorney so I can consult on things like the legality of trying to assign my mother as guardian of my kids instead of my ex. Once that’s done and I know that what I want to accomplish is possible, I’ll review it with executor and backup executor and make sure they’re happy with what I want to do with my estate, get their opinions/input, and make sure they understand my intent. I’m hoping this review will prompt my mother to do something similar. They have what I consider to be a LOT of money, my sister is a complete dipshit, and if my parents die without a will there WILL be fighting. My mother has all kinds of wishes over who gets what article of jewelry or item of furniture, but I’ve never memorized who gets what and she won’t be around to tell us after she’s dead. She needs to write all that stuff down, dangit! I’ve told her that many times over the years, but I don’t want to nag a whole lot because it sounds awfully selfish and grabby. I don’t want to be grabby. I just want it documented so there’s less to fight over. Or so that when I am fighting over it, I know what my mother’s wishes were rather than just guessing. As far as my father goes, a realistic discussion about dying is an uncomfortable subject and he doesn’t do uncomfortable subjects.
I had my terminal appointment with my therapist on Monday. He’s going on to Arizona, so there’s no possibility of following him to another practice. I have a lot of lessons from him left to integrate:
Relaxation, learning to do it intentionally
Meditation, doing it regularly
Continue getting in touch with my emotions, recognizing them, labeling them appropriately, allowing them, not trying to justify them
Being mindful and present rather than always trying to game the system and worrying about results
I am mulling over seeking out resources for … my issues with men, sex, rape, etc. I was discussing it with a friend the other day and realized I don’t even have the vocabulary to articulate what the problem is. I know there is a problem and I know it affects my behavior, conduct, intimate relationships, expectations out of life, etc. Pretty profound stuff. Stuff I need to be in charge of, or at least on a speaking basis with, but my attempts to talk to myself about it either fall of deaf ears or are met by a mute tongue. No knowledge of how to respond. Maybe if I could find another good therapist, one that I was willing to discuss sexual issues with, maybe I’d at least know how to talk about my issues with myself and start working on getting past them. It’s something I’m thinking about.