Light Up

Jan 01, 2012 10:16

Title: Light Up
Characters: Nathan/Peter
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Explicit sexual content, incest
Word count: ~2,300
Setting: Preseason, New Year’s Eve, 1998. Peter has been 20 for a week now. Nathan is 31 and will be married within a few months in a sudden manner. For those who follow Shattered Salvation, this is background for that AU.
Summary: Nathan ( Read more... )

nathan, peter/nathan, !fandom: heroes, peter, rated nc-17

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no_ones_sleep January 2 2012, 10:32:42 UTC
I might not be able to give a decent comment right now, but I need to say how much I love this. There is my Peter, and there is his Nathan. And now I’ll try…

How you worked the song in is PERFECT. I would have never thought of weaving a story along the lyrics- that's such a great idea! And I'm glad you liked the song, because... it shows. You got the intention, the feeling, the despair so right!

He hadn’t really understood what Peter was giving him, the immense trust that was being put in Nathan’s hands.
To me, Nathan is a man who is driven by his need for power on the one hand, but that need is constantly struggling with his love for Peter, which is the purest kind of love Nathan is capable of. And I absolutely believe that at the moment Nathan realizes what he is given- and what he is taking!- that he feels guilty but also unable to really stop. Because he wants it. And needs it. He needs Peter, his trust, his love, to keep him grounded as a human. To know that real love exists, and Nathan needs that as much as anyone.

Peter as an angel- you can’t know that, but I love angels, and comparing Peter to them is just so fitting! He is innocent in his own way, but he is also absolutely clear about what he wants and has an unbending will. I think that is what kept him sane- he was naïve, but he also understood on a deeper level what was going on and why. And then there is his godlike ability to love and to forgive (which to me is his actual ability) which is what saved him and Sylar in The Wall…

Nathan felt like he could never live up to what Peter thought he saw.
Absolutely. And so much like Nathan! (You mentioned their father- in my head canon, he plays an important role, too, in terms of shaping his sons into what they have become, but Peter being the stronger one because of his capacity to love.) And at the same time it is because of Peter’s unbreakable trust in Nathan that the older brother tries to be a better man. He fails so many times, yes, but it’s Peter who is his moral compass, and Nathan comes to seek his guidance- though I don’t think either of them really knows…

His little brother had answered his furtive, unintentional flirting with deliberate and open invitation that Nathan hadn’t been strong enough to refuse. He couldn’t say no.
Oooooh yes, Peter gets what he wants. How could Nathan refuse those eyes, the pleading expression in them, doubled by the fact that Peter is pure temptation for Nathan… This relationship is a single mess, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. To have someone to be so entangled with that you don’t know where you begin and they end… *sighs* And I second what you wrote about Nathan not being strong enough. Because for all he seems, he just isn’t. And that’s okay. As long as he admits it to himself and his brother/soulmate.

Also, thank you for the way you wrote about sex- it isn’t sex for sex’s sake, but it is a way of expressing their feelings like words never could. Nothing else would suffice, just like Peter seems to give himself as an offering. They NEED to express themselves that way.

And I might never be able to look at fireworks the same, and I thank you for that, too. Because they will remind me of this, of the love and devotion, and that we can all have our own fireworks within :-).

So- THANK YOU! So, so much.

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game_byrd January 2 2012, 15:31:46 UTC
Oh! I am so glad you like it! And so glad to see a comment at all. Yesterday LJ seemed quite deserted. I guess everyone had more exciting New Year's Eves than I did!

I see Nathan as a very tragic figure. He's always doing the wrong thing for the right reason. Even here, he's transgressing - the incest, the risk of getting them both disowned or worse - but he's doing it for love and because Peter wants it and Nathan can't say no to that.

I loved the song and I've added it to my playlist on YouTube so I can listen to it at work. I'll always think of Peter and Nathan when I hear it. I took a long bath with it playing on a loop to really "get" the mood of it. I tried to work in other references like Peter being loud and Nathan going slower and of course we know that "Even if you can not hear my voice, I'll be right beside you" speaks of what's in both Peter and Nathan's heart towards one another.

If you look on votepetrelli.com, they put Nathan as serving his Navy tours in Serbia, Bosnia and Rwanda. Those were sites of vicious civil wars and genocides. I found it very interesting that the writers put him on scene of the nastiest ethnic cleansings for the last couple generations. Rwanda didn't even have (in real life) any US presence, but the writers wanted Nathan there anyway. I think that ties in to his later views/attempts to deal with the specials, but in my writing here I wanted to refer back to the awful events Nathan had been in a front row seat to witness, and in some ways tried (and failed) to stop.

I think he must have felt so helpless in the face of such evil and the guilt from that would weigh heavily on him, because as Peter and Angela have pointed out, Nathan's a sap inside, one of those 'crunchy hard shells with a soft interior' (as opposed to Peter, who is a soft, giving exterior with an iron core). I think Nathan would want to protect Peter from the world as much as possible.

I have written about a million words in a single long story set after The Fifth Stage, where Peter tracks Sylar down again and Sylar gets his brain so firmly scrambled that his personality/memories/identity and Nathan's merge. That leaves Peter in a situation where he *can't* kill Sylar without killing what's left of Nathan. But I gave a lot of thought as to Nathan's personality and what traits would shine through. It was a lot of fun to write this (Light Up) which is only my second Peter/Nathan story, where I had a chance to write pure Nathan without Sylar's personality traits in the mix.

I agree that Arthur must have had a powerful role in shaping his sons. They mention several times that Nathan followed in his father's footsteps - military, law school, etc. and I think it's clear they were grooming him for the political arena early on. I think his marriage to Heidi was arranged for him and he liked her well enough, but I never saw much in the show that indicated to me that he loved her.

Of course, his heart was with Peter! :D And actually one of the better short fics I've read was where Peter went to tell Heidi about Nathan's death and she was very angry about how Peter had meant everything to Nathan, yet she and Nathan's sons were just afterthoughts. I found it really rattling that there on the top of Mercy Heights in the Fifth Stage, where Peter is holding Nathan/Sythan over the edge of the hospital, trying in vain to pull him up, that Nathan told Peter to tell Angela and Claire that he loved them, and **NEVER** mentioned his WIFE or KIDS! I was like WTF? Even if he wants to exclude Heidi, his children were innocent. They deserved their father's love, but there at the end, they weren't on his mind.

Anyway, I'll move on from that because that's not what this fic was about.

Nathan's not strong enough and he knows that. Peter is/can be strong enough for both of them. And you're right that in a way Nathan looks to Peter for what's right and wrong. I think he sees moral guidance there. I think he sees virtue, but I also think Nathan's given up on himself and doesn't think he has it in him to walk Peter's path.

I'm so glad you enjoyed the story! I enjoyed writing it.

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no_ones_sleep January 12 2012, 15:02:32 UTC
I´m sorry it took me so long to get back to you- short comments are no problem, but when I get thinky (and that’s what your comment made me), I need time and foremost inner calm to be able to write down what I want to express.

First thing is that it feels so unbelievably soothing to have someone to talk to about Peter again! I am pretty much into Supernatural these days, but Peter has such a special place in my heart and even owns a part of my soul so that no one else should be able to replace him. Doesn’t sound too healthy, I guess, but that’s just how it is. I am reading my way through a discussion you had with dancing_dragon, and judging by how you wrote about Peter I believe that you spend a lot of time thinking about him, too. Which is probably what a writer does.

Second, it is absolutely intriguing to be in a writer’s headspace! I wrote four or five Petrellicest-themed short stories myself, but I… just write. The words flow out, and then that’s it. To read how you took a bath with that song on loop, how you wove some parts into the story, how you prepared by doing research about Nathan’s serving time- I love to know more about how you approach your work. That is so different from what know, and I have a deep interest for that.

And that’s what brings your characters to life- little information, strewn into almost casually, short flashbacks in a character’s mind to show where he’s been and where comes from. And now I have to apologize in advance, because I am surprised you know so much about these civil war sides. Is that a common concern in the US, or is it just you who is so informed about these wars? (I believe the latter, but I might judge by German prejudice…)

I totally second what you wrote about Nathan and Heidi. When Nathan danced with her in Peter’s apartment- I didn’t know anything about Petrellicest at that time, but I had a strange feeling that there was something off. Holding your wife while looking at your brother that way?! Yeah, well… poor wife. So it sadly makes sense that Heidi isn’t on his mind in his last moments, but like you said, his sons would have needed his father. But probably Heidi estranged them from him, and maybe at one point he just gave up on them (and maybe he was even convinced that it was better for them that way). Nathan always had a very weird way of showing his affection. Aside from his I-touch-my-brother-every-opportunity-I-get- attitude. :-)

And can you link me to the story you told me about? My problem is that I just cannot read Petlar- I tried, but it just breaks my heart, and I find it so wrong for several reasons, but what you wrote seemed to point in a different direction…

And one last question: Why did you choose Peter?

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game_byrd January 12 2012, 17:16:44 UTC
I understand about the comment length. Just last night I left two kind of short comments on fic by a friend of mine, and the fic really deserved something longer ... but since I'd already said most of what was on my mind when I beta read it, my brain was kind of blank. But I didn't want to *not* comment, so I left a short one and maybe tonight or this weekend I'll be in the right place to go back and leave something longer. If not, she'll at least I know I read it. I know for myself, I'd rather have a short comment than none, but I do adore the long ones!

Peter is totally in my head, but he didn't start there. When I first got into Heroes fandom was the middle of season 4, about the episode Thanksgiving. I had to know what happened next, or what people thought was going to happen next, with the Sylar/Nathan thing. I knew Adrian Pasdar's contract had been cancelled, so in a way Sylar was going to win, but I wanted to understand that situation so badly. There's a lot of personal stuff behind that obsession for me, but I wanted to know if it was possible for someone to shed their crazy. Sylar had talked about wanting to do it, and with Nathan's help he had for weeks. Now that he was 'awake' and aware of what had happened to him, would he be able to keep up a life where he wasn't a killer? Essentially, was redemption possible, in his own heart?

I didn't find the answers I wanted in fanfic, so I started writing my own. As it turns out, I came into the fandom at a point in time where Petlar was turning softer and gentler. I gather that before season 4, it was often rough, violent, hate-sex and frequently dub-con or non-con, with Sylar being smugly, smirkingly superior and Peter sucking it up. That seriously doesn't do it for me. Like you say, it's wrong for several reasons and yeah, it breaks my heart. First, that Peter keeps coming back for the abuse and second that Sylar is so callous and inhumane as to keep dishing it out. That sort of story hits my triggers on many levels.

But I wasn't exposed to that much given my timing in joining fandom. Very soon The Wall was out and I was absorbed in writing my own long story anyway. It's called Shattered Salvation and the best place to read it is on Fanfiction.net. I've got part of it on LJ, but not all and it's tedious to click between screens to get all of it. You can find it here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6757575/1/Shattered_Salvation

So ... I was headed towards why I choose Peter. As I said, initially I didn't. Initially I choose Sythan, and I was clear it was Sythan I was interested in, not Sylar and not Nathan (though I thought both had their good points). I wrote the first plot arc of Shattered Salvation from Sythan's POV and when I sat down to write a sequel, I decided to do it from Peter's POV. At that point, I really had to struggle to get into Peter's head. He was so good, so giving and so forgiving that I hadn't really comprehended him as a fully realized character, completely rounded with a voice of his own. Oh, I think my characterization of him was consistent before then, but I hadn't addressed and internalized his driving motivations.

It was Peter's flaws and faults that showed me what kind of man he really was, more than his heroism, more than his kindness. I started paying attention to the points in the show where he'd been petty, mean, hateful and wrathful. I started seeing him as a real person then. Instead of just idolizing him, I started to love him.

That's why I choose Peter. I have more to say, but LJ has a text limit so I'll make a new comment.

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game_byrd January 12 2012, 17:42:12 UTC
There's another story I'm part of where I write for Peter that's fairly long (and ongoing). It started when I joined a role play game with means2bhuman, but the other players backed out. Originally I'd been going to play Noah, but then there was just the two of us. She'd read a lot of my writing and she suggested since there was the two of us, that we take up Peter and Sylar in The Wall, where we didn't have to keep up with a complicated real life plotline and it was just the two characters interacting. It was an idea she'd apparently had for a while and I was game for it. I think we both wanted to write for Sylar to start with, but if I had the chance to switch now there's no way in hell I would. The story starts with what you see in canon of Peter entering Sylar's head and then we write every interaction they have - what they say, what they do, how they're working out their issues with each other. So far, we're about 250,000 words into it and 10 days have passed. She writes 500 words or so from Sylar's POV and then she emails me his section. I read it and write 500 words or so back of Peter's POV - what he says in response to what Sylar said, what he's doing, what he's thinking, maybe a memory of his past if that's relevant. And then I email that to her. Every 8000 words or so we bundle it into a chapter and publish it. If you're interested in it, it's called More Between Us Than A Wall, and it's here: http://means2bhuman.livejournal.com/8424.html

So far in More Between Us, there have been two bad fistfights and a lot of arguing, because ... well, they have a lot of issues. And Peter can't *not* hit Sylar in the face. I mean, it's one thing to think you can go grab the bastard and drag him to a carnival to save people, but it's another to be trapped there with him, having to put up with your brother's killer. And of course Sylar has his own issues, too. So even though means2bhuman and I have said that Petlar is a probable eventual result in the story, we're first going to go through all the growth and resolution of having the guys deal with all these other issues. We both feel the TV episode rushed an enormous degree of interaction.

You might find this interesting: http://game-byrd.livejournal.com/96900.html . It's a characterization questionnaire I did for Peter for More Between Us. For MBU, there was never any Petrellicest. Peter was/is bi, but he and Nathan were not sexual. For Shattered Salvation, Peter and Nathan had a sexual relationship. Other than that, my 'background' for Peter is pretty much the same for those two AUs.

Um ... let's see, what else did you ask about? Ah, writer's headspace! You might find this interesting: http://terror-scifi.livejournal.com/30914.html . I wrote an entry for the latest Heroes_contest challenge and I decided to do something I hadn't done before. I did a voice-over narration by Mohinder. I'm not wild about Mohinder and I've never really written for him before, but if you're interested in my writing process, I wrote up the process for this other comm I'm in, terror_scifi, a comm that talks about how to be a better writer in between appreciating great terror, horror, science fiction and fantasy works. So I wrote up a fairly long description of what I did to get the "voice" of Mohinder down and the "feel" of one of his narrations. The actual story I wrote was only 325 words.

One more comment to come...

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game_byrd January 12 2012, 17:42:36 UTC
Now, civil wars. It is not a common concern in the US. Most people are only vaguely aware of those things, with an attitude of 'oh yeah, that's something that happened somewhere else'. They're much more interested in a school shooting two states over than a genocide across the ocean. Americans are a bit myopic, by and large. That doesn't mean we don't have members who pay a lot of attention to such things, but you have to go out of your way to do it.

In popular media (at least here in the US), the Holocaust is presented as the Great Evil That Surpassed All Other Evils, as though humanity had never done similar anywhere else. My interest in genocides, civil wars and the like started when I read something twenty years ago about how, as awful as the Holocaust was, that it wasn't the singular event it was often portrayed as. And so I started reading up on other events, like Stalin's rise to power, Mao's pogram, Pol Pot's killing fields, some extrapolations and aggregations of the genocides reported in the Bible (interestingly told from the POV of the victors, as though they were great things), etc. Around that time as I was reading and studying, the tragedies in Bosnia and Serbia were occurring. Later the one in Rwanda and Darfur.

I think it is very important for people to be aware of the evil that is possible from other people. Awareness is the first step towards vigilance, so we can do our best to make sure these things don't come to pass in areas where we can do something about them. It is when people pretend these things don't happen, or that they don't matter, that they create an environment that allows such atrocities to occur. We can see that in a microcosm in rape culture. As long as our culture pretends that rape is something that only happens to bad girls who get drunk, or to girls who are jumped by strangers out of shrubs, then we will forever ignore the women getting raped by abusive spouses, coercive boyfriends, vengeful ex-boyfriends, etc. There is *NO* discernible psychological difference between a rapist and a normal man. As long as we pretend there is some mysterious difference, then we blinker ourselves from being able to face the problem and deal with it. It's like imagining that there is some mysterious spiritual trait that separates a Nazi from a 'normal' human being, or a Hutu from an 'average guy'. Newsflash: these are normal, everyday people who committed these atrocities. We can't insulate ourselves by claiming they were different. They weren't. They're human. Just like us.

So my interest in the civil wars, genocides and so on are a part of my interest in human beings and understanding what makes them tick. We don't do ourselves any favors to deny what people are. It's sort of like with Peter - I didn't really understand him until I took in his bad side as well as his good. He's still a wonderful person in so many ways, but the reason why he's good is that he's made a conscious choice to be that way. It's a choice he makes every time he's faced with a decision. It's what defines him as a hero.

That's what I love about him.

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