(no subject)
Managed to clean off my couch completely saturday/sunday. It became a virtual junkyard to throw things while working at my computer.
I am now able to sleep in my room/bed upstairs also due to cleaning/moving my mothers crap out. I learned this morning why I prefer to sleep in the basement. Not only is the futon comfortable, but you're not woken up early as hell in the morning by noise and someone constantly entering and leaving your room because she has her own cleaning agenda...
...I'd sleep at my basement futon, but...I seem to have piled some crap I was cleaning up onto it. I'll have to work on that soon.
I'm a collector, and though I realize the necessity to throw things away, I'm realizing I need a much more efficient system of organization and/or I need to rid myself, severely, of even more of my possessions. When this semester is over, when a few other things are complete I will work on judging all I know to be kept, or tossed away into the junkyards of the world.
This brings me to an important point in my mind. I need to finish up a few tasks, accomplish a few things if you will. For example, I still need to apply for wayne/CCS and I need to work more on homework/schoolwork. While desparately cleaning my living space is somewhat of a necessity, am I using this as an excuse to avoid the true priorities? I think I'm telling myself that before I start working on responsible things, I need my place to look more responsible, something like that.
I am going to tell myself now, then that before I continue cleaning I will accomplish one of these tasks:
Fill out wayne app
Fill out CCS app
Finish at least 1 of several projects from school.
I must, additionally, finish my life drawing self-portrait at home tomorrow once school is over.
I've managed to separate myself at least somewhat from the L building crowd at school. Its come to realization that I sunk into a group I didn't even want to sink into. In my desperaty for more social interaction with the world, I floated closely to an easy access group, one which had open arms of kindness. Problem is, I seem to have forgot what I once told myself when I first started going to macomb. There will be many unwilling to be intelligent or successful and its best to avoid them. Well, I've come to realize this again, and they were more of a hinderance as I could see in my classwork, spending less time after-hours working on classwork in the classroom, more time sitting in the lounge area accomplishing...nothing....I wouldn't mind as much if they talked about something intelligent and kept the noise down, but they treat the area like a high-school lunch room. There discussions involve LOLOLOL PENIS, being loud and disruptive to anyone not in their niche, and crying to pointless drama(which I do find amusing to observe). Christ, I need a social hangout that promotes intelligent discussion, somewhere to discuss politics, religion(metaphysics), the nature of man. I kind of hope for that in a university like wayne? I don't know if such a place actually exist. Definatly can't get myself to go socialize in a place like bars or clubs. Ever.
Enough of this for now, for I am tired and need sleep. Maybe I can go back to 8 hours of sleep regularly again. Its curious how well mannered I am, good choices I make and yet, they seem trivial and not intelligible at times.
I can manage to not smoke, not drink(well...use to), Drive the speed limit/follow road rules(even when I was a delivery driver), not eat fast food(broke this a few times as of late), not drink pop, keep healthy habits, exercise semi-regularly...
its much more than many people seem to accomplish, yet the things I truly want to accomplish I have yet to do. These all seem trivial to those things that may truly push me forward in life, and what is it that blocks my path still? Is there still fear standing in front of me? I've managed to regain lost courage over the past few months, but I am not yet at full strength. I hope to have my indomitable will back soon so that I may break all these barriers in my way, then maybe I can reflect on the past and discover what originally sucked my will away and how to avoid it in the future. Or do I need to discover the cause of weakness first before proceeding through these walls?
As usual, many questions, many answers.
I am now able to sleep in my room/bed upstairs also due to cleaning/moving my mothers crap out. I learned this morning why I prefer to sleep in the basement. Not only is the futon comfortable, but you're not woken up early as hell in the morning by noise and someone constantly entering and leaving your room because she has her own cleaning agenda...
...I'd sleep at my basement futon, but...I seem to have piled some crap I was cleaning up onto it. I'll have to work on that soon.
I'm a collector, and though I realize the necessity to throw things away, I'm realizing I need a much more efficient system of organization and/or I need to rid myself, severely, of even more of my possessions. When this semester is over, when a few other things are complete I will work on judging all I know to be kept, or tossed away into the junkyards of the world.
This brings me to an important point in my mind. I need to finish up a few tasks, accomplish a few things if you will. For example, I still need to apply for wayne/CCS and I need to work more on homework/schoolwork. While desparately cleaning my living space is somewhat of a necessity, am I using this as an excuse to avoid the true priorities? I think I'm telling myself that before I start working on responsible things, I need my place to look more responsible, something like that.
I am going to tell myself now, then that before I continue cleaning I will accomplish one of these tasks:
Fill out wayne app
Fill out CCS app
Finish at least 1 of several projects from school.
I must, additionally, finish my life drawing self-portrait at home tomorrow once school is over.
I've managed to separate myself at least somewhat from the L building crowd at school. Its come to realization that I sunk into a group I didn't even want to sink into. In my desperaty for more social interaction with the world, I floated closely to an easy access group, one which had open arms of kindness. Problem is, I seem to have forgot what I once told myself when I first started going to macomb. There will be many unwilling to be intelligent or successful and its best to avoid them. Well, I've come to realize this again, and they were more of a hinderance as I could see in my classwork, spending less time after-hours working on classwork in the classroom, more time sitting in the lounge area accomplishing...nothing....I wouldn't mind as much if they talked about something intelligent and kept the noise down, but they treat the area like a high-school lunch room. There discussions involve LOLOLOL PENIS, being loud and disruptive to anyone not in their niche, and crying to pointless drama(which I do find amusing to observe). Christ, I need a social hangout that promotes intelligent discussion, somewhere to discuss politics, religion(metaphysics), the nature of man. I kind of hope for that in a university like wayne? I don't know if such a place actually exist. Definatly can't get myself to go socialize in a place like bars or clubs. Ever.
Enough of this for now, for I am tired and need sleep. Maybe I can go back to 8 hours of sleep regularly again. Its curious how well mannered I am, good choices I make and yet, they seem trivial and not intelligible at times.
I can manage to not smoke, not drink(well...use to), Drive the speed limit/follow road rules(even when I was a delivery driver), not eat fast food(broke this a few times as of late), not drink pop, keep healthy habits, exercise semi-regularly...
its much more than many people seem to accomplish, yet the things I truly want to accomplish I have yet to do. These all seem trivial to those things that may truly push me forward in life, and what is it that blocks my path still? Is there still fear standing in front of me? I've managed to regain lost courage over the past few months, but I am not yet at full strength. I hope to have my indomitable will back soon so that I may break all these barriers in my way, then maybe I can reflect on the past and discover what originally sucked my will away and how to avoid it in the future. Or do I need to discover the cause of weakness first before proceeding through these walls?
As usual, many questions, many answers.