[miss a] before you go
before you go
miss a, fei/jia
pg, 1188w
predebut, pre-sisters. feifei wants to tell jia that leaving korea means leaving her, too.
--written for nugu_seyo 2013.
ao3 mirror
At the end of the night, Feifei is the last one through the door of their dorm, glancing both ways before she pulls it closed quietly behind her. For Jia’s last night in Seoul, they’d managed a deal with their manager - one night out in exchange for a week of extra Korean lessons for the Chinese trainees - but Feifei knows it never hurts to be careful. Shasha’s the oldest, but Feifei is the one they all call Big Sister.
The six of them make their way up the stairs, still giddy with chicken and beer, their hushed giggling echoing down the stairway. Even if leaving had been her own choice, they’d wanted to make sure Jia’s sendoff was happy, not sad. Deep down, what Feifei had really hoped was that they’d make her regret her decision.
Jia is up at the front of the line with Xiao Fei and Hyerim, holding onto Xiao Fei’s arm as she stumbles over her own feet. Xiao Fei’s tolerance was never the best. Feifei watches Jia walk up the stairs, her lean dancer’s legs still graceful even half-drunk after midnight. After tomorrow, she thinks, there won’t be any more Jia, no more hip-hop blasting in the kitchen when it’s her turn to cook or funny dance-offs to keep their spirits up on the walk back to the dorm or post-practice mandoo runs. What’s more, she knows, is that it won’t change anything. The five of them that are left will keep training with the vague hope of being in a group one day, and Jia will be back in Loudi, back with her mother who she’d called twice a week without fail ever since she’d arrived in Korea, free to do whatever she wants.
How could anyone regret that choice?
The six of them tiptoe into the dorm. Mao Ni holds the door open for everyone, then closes it once Feifei is in, sealing out the light from the hallway. Xiao Fei and Hyerim bump into the furniture on the way back to their room and Shasha shushes them. “Good night,” she calls to Feifei, before they close the door behind them.
Feifei knows she should go straight to sleep - they’d managed to get a night off, but not the next day’s 8 AM dance practice, and the alcohol isn’t going to do her any favours in the morning. But when she goes to the room she shares with Jia, she sees Jia sitting on her bed, still in her track pants and hoodie, swinging her legs back and forth and looking around. Something in Feifei’s chest aches, and instead she closes the door and sits down next to Jia.
Her head is still buzzing a little from the chatter of the chicken restaurant. Otherwise, the room is very quiet, and Jia is quiet, too. Feifei starts kicking her feet out in opposition to Jia’s, and then Jia swings it into a steady rhythm, until it’s almost like they’re dancing sitting down. Jia giggles, watching their legs swing back and forth, and then Feifei laughs too.
Finally, Jia flops backwards onto her bed, and Feifei slows her legs, letting them swing out naturally instead. She thinks about falling backwards too, about lying down next to Jia, but she’s a little too sober to let herself.
“I can’t believe I’m leaving you girls,” says Jia.
Feifei turns over her shoulder. “So that means you’re staying, right?”
Jia shakes her head, making the mattress bounce a little. “I already packed all those suitcases, it would be a waste.”
Feifei chuckles, then bends forward and looks down at her knees as silence settles on them once again. She has words to say, but they’re lodged in her chest, same as they always are, too big to be moved. They’d be too big even without the accumulation of two years’ worth of emotions. “Two years,” she murmurs to herself.
Jia lifts her head. “What did you say?”
Feifei turns her head, still bent forward so that her shoulder-length hair brushes her knees. “You and I have known each other for two years,” she says simply.
“Wow.” Jia’s head drops back onto the bed. “That’s like...both so long and not that long at all.”
“I know.” Feifei sighs and pulls in her knees. “It’s a long time to wait. No wonder you’re quitting.”
Jia makes a displeased noise. “Don’t make it sound so bad.”
“I’m jealous.”
“Tch. Then you should go home too.”
“Don’t tempt me.” Feifei had thought about it all night, had been thinking about it ever since Jia pulled her aside after practice one day and said, I’m leaving. I can’t do this anymore. Tonight she’d imagined a whole scenario: they’d get caught sneaking out, all prior approval forgotten, and Feifei would step forward as the ringleader. She’d get pulled into Park Jinyoung’s office and he’d reprimand her, tell her, Why don’t you just leave if you don’t care? And she’d say, Then I will, and she’d buy a ticket to Haikou that ended up being a ticket to Changsha, and she’d sit next to Jia on the AREX and put her arm around her the whole way. They’d cry at first, and then they’d laugh at having escaped together, and maybe, finally, Feifei would be able to tell her the words that had been stuck inside her for the last two years.
I don’t know what it is, but whenever I look at you, I--
Jia’s foot brushes against Feifei’s bare thigh, and she jolts to attention, the current running up her whole spine. Jia is sitting up on her elbows now. “You have to get up early,” she says.
Her feline eyes are heavy-lidded with food and sleep and she’s warm. In less than a day she’ll be gone, and Feifei’s room will be empty, at least for a while. “I don’t want you to go,” she says. The sentence slips out of her mouth in a rush that makes her cheeks flush hot with its truth, and the heaviest words bob a little closer to the surface.
“I know.” Then Jia says, “Can you promise me something, though?”
Feifei brushes her hair behind her ear. “Only if you promise me you’ll stay.” It’s a joke, but it still stings coming out.
“Jie, I’m being serious.” Jia sits up and crosses her legs, holding onto her ankles. “Promise me you’ll work hard and debut, so that I can see you all again.” And she holds out her hand with her pinky finger extended.
Feifei doesn’t think that’s very fair, being asked not to quit by the person who’s already leaving, but she thinks she understands: the real thing Jia wants her to promise is that she won’t give up because of her, that she’ll keep her hope intact even if Jia’s lost all hers.
So Feifei makes a promise of her own. “I will,” she says, hooking her pinky around Jia’s and shaking it. What she really means is, I promise that next time we meet, I will tell you how I feel.
I promise to wait for you to return.
notes:
- based on one line of a debut interview where jia said she left because debut was taking too long.
- my ask.fm for questions, comments or prompts!
miss a, fei/jia
pg, 1188w
predebut, pre-sisters. feifei wants to tell jia that leaving korea means leaving her, too.
--written for nugu_seyo 2013.
ao3 mirror
At the end of the night, Feifei is the last one through the door of their dorm, glancing both ways before she pulls it closed quietly behind her. For Jia’s last night in Seoul, they’d managed a deal with their manager - one night out in exchange for a week of extra Korean lessons for the Chinese trainees - but Feifei knows it never hurts to be careful. Shasha’s the oldest, but Feifei is the one they all call Big Sister.
The six of them make their way up the stairs, still giddy with chicken and beer, their hushed giggling echoing down the stairway. Even if leaving had been her own choice, they’d wanted to make sure Jia’s sendoff was happy, not sad. Deep down, what Feifei had really hoped was that they’d make her regret her decision.
Jia is up at the front of the line with Xiao Fei and Hyerim, holding onto Xiao Fei’s arm as she stumbles over her own feet. Xiao Fei’s tolerance was never the best. Feifei watches Jia walk up the stairs, her lean dancer’s legs still graceful even half-drunk after midnight. After tomorrow, she thinks, there won’t be any more Jia, no more hip-hop blasting in the kitchen when it’s her turn to cook or funny dance-offs to keep their spirits up on the walk back to the dorm or post-practice mandoo runs. What’s more, she knows, is that it won’t change anything. The five of them that are left will keep training with the vague hope of being in a group one day, and Jia will be back in Loudi, back with her mother who she’d called twice a week without fail ever since she’d arrived in Korea, free to do whatever she wants.
How could anyone regret that choice?
The six of them tiptoe into the dorm. Mao Ni holds the door open for everyone, then closes it once Feifei is in, sealing out the light from the hallway. Xiao Fei and Hyerim bump into the furniture on the way back to their room and Shasha shushes them. “Good night,” she calls to Feifei, before they close the door behind them.
Feifei knows she should go straight to sleep - they’d managed to get a night off, but not the next day’s 8 AM dance practice, and the alcohol isn’t going to do her any favours in the morning. But when she goes to the room she shares with Jia, she sees Jia sitting on her bed, still in her track pants and hoodie, swinging her legs back and forth and looking around. Something in Feifei’s chest aches, and instead she closes the door and sits down next to Jia.
Her head is still buzzing a little from the chatter of the chicken restaurant. Otherwise, the room is very quiet, and Jia is quiet, too. Feifei starts kicking her feet out in opposition to Jia’s, and then Jia swings it into a steady rhythm, until it’s almost like they’re dancing sitting down. Jia giggles, watching their legs swing back and forth, and then Feifei laughs too.
Finally, Jia flops backwards onto her bed, and Feifei slows her legs, letting them swing out naturally instead. She thinks about falling backwards too, about lying down next to Jia, but she’s a little too sober to let herself.
“I can’t believe I’m leaving you girls,” says Jia.
Feifei turns over her shoulder. “So that means you’re staying, right?”
Jia shakes her head, making the mattress bounce a little. “I already packed all those suitcases, it would be a waste.”
Feifei chuckles, then bends forward and looks down at her knees as silence settles on them once again. She has words to say, but they’re lodged in her chest, same as they always are, too big to be moved. They’d be too big even without the accumulation of two years’ worth of emotions. “Two years,” she murmurs to herself.
Jia lifts her head. “What did you say?”
Feifei turns her head, still bent forward so that her shoulder-length hair brushes her knees. “You and I have known each other for two years,” she says simply.
“Wow.” Jia’s head drops back onto the bed. “That’s like...both so long and not that long at all.”
“I know.” Feifei sighs and pulls in her knees. “It’s a long time to wait. No wonder you’re quitting.”
Jia makes a displeased noise. “Don’t make it sound so bad.”
“I’m jealous.”
“Tch. Then you should go home too.”
“Don’t tempt me.” Feifei had thought about it all night, had been thinking about it ever since Jia pulled her aside after practice one day and said, I’m leaving. I can’t do this anymore. Tonight she’d imagined a whole scenario: they’d get caught sneaking out, all prior approval forgotten, and Feifei would step forward as the ringleader. She’d get pulled into Park Jinyoung’s office and he’d reprimand her, tell her, Why don’t you just leave if you don’t care? And she’d say, Then I will, and she’d buy a ticket to Haikou that ended up being a ticket to Changsha, and she’d sit next to Jia on the AREX and put her arm around her the whole way. They’d cry at first, and then they’d laugh at having escaped together, and maybe, finally, Feifei would be able to tell her the words that had been stuck inside her for the last two years.
I don’t know what it is, but whenever I look at you, I--
Jia’s foot brushes against Feifei’s bare thigh, and she jolts to attention, the current running up her whole spine. Jia is sitting up on her elbows now. “You have to get up early,” she says.
Her feline eyes are heavy-lidded with food and sleep and she’s warm. In less than a day she’ll be gone, and Feifei’s room will be empty, at least for a while. “I don’t want you to go,” she says. The sentence slips out of her mouth in a rush that makes her cheeks flush hot with its truth, and the heaviest words bob a little closer to the surface.
“I know.” Then Jia says, “Can you promise me something, though?”
Feifei brushes her hair behind her ear. “Only if you promise me you’ll stay.” It’s a joke, but it still stings coming out.
“Jie, I’m being serious.” Jia sits up and crosses her legs, holding onto her ankles. “Promise me you’ll work hard and debut, so that I can see you all again.” And she holds out her hand with her pinky finger extended.
Feifei doesn’t think that’s very fair, being asked not to quit by the person who’s already leaving, but she thinks she understands: the real thing Jia wants her to promise is that she won’t give up because of her, that she’ll keep her hope intact even if Jia’s lost all hers.
So Feifei makes a promise of her own. “I will,” she says, hooking her pinky around Jia’s and shaking it. What she really means is, I promise that next time we meet, I will tell you how I feel.
I promise to wait for you to return.
notes:
- based on one line of a debut interview where jia said she left because debut was taking too long.
- my ask.fm for questions, comments or prompts!