People and performances.

[gallianoparfait]

• Perfect timing! The music has just begun. You got it right, you four latecomers. Step on my feet as you shuffle into my row.
  
• Thank you, mongoloid with the encephalitic head. Sit right in front of me. Block my view. I don't need to see the violinist, conductor, or even the orchestra.
  
• Drop your program, ma'am. Let us know you have power in your grasp.
  
• Ladies, no, I don't mind your having a conversation. After all you are only whispering so that only twenty rows can hear you.
  
• Checking your e-mail on your BlackBerry, sir? No, that's not rude. In fact, I don't even mind if you aim the light in my face.
  
• Drop your program too, mister. Makes a great sound.
  
• You must really love that fragrance, ma'am sitting in front of me. You smell like you marinated yourself in Lancôme Poême for three days, then gave yourself an enema with it before coming to the concert.
  
• OK, folks, soft passage on the Debussy? In three measures you enter with your chorus of coughing and fidgeting. Get set! Then crunch some cough drops.
  
• No, young music-lover, I don't mind your cell-phone playing the Godfather theme. It provides a fine counterpoint to the Bach.
  
• Yes, it's beautiful, ma'am, and if you inanely "whisper" to your companion, "This is beautiful," I can understand that.
  
• Drop another program, mister. You're due. Nice solid thud.
  
• Mrs. Candy Wrapper, perfect, do it ever so slowly and persistently so that it lasts the entire slow movement.
  
• Fantastic. Hum along with the Tchaikovsky, sir. Demonstrate how knowledgeable you are about the music.
  
• On the count of three, everybody cough! NOW!
  
• Sure, it's just the end of a movement. Be gauche. Applaud anyway. We know you are from the boonies and it's your first concert.
  
• You in front of me waving your arms, practicing "conducting" your favorite piece. That's wonderful prep for the conservatory! Keep doing it. So charming.
  
• Common, fella, it's been six minutes since you dropped a program booklet. Let's hear it again.
  
• Is that gum I hear snapping, airhead? Must be a great flavor. Enjoy.
  
• Sneeze time! Blow nose, clear larynx! All staccato.
  
• Right, go to the bathroom now, lady. It's only five minutes since we had intermission. Make sure your high heels click and clack as you head to the toilet. We need to know you exist. Do the same when you return.
  
• Drop your program, mister! You are past due. I'm waiting! Drop it. You can do it. Tell your wife too. Drop two of them! Drop each other. Then cough.