I feel like crap right now.
All it took was a five minute appointment with my endocrinologist (that's a gland doctor I see because of my diabetes)
It's bad enough the appointments dragged on and I had to wait two hours, but what really burns me is how he gets to poke and prod into my personal life and push judgement into what I'm doing wrong. It's utterly invasive, much more so than any kind of physical check he could possibly make. I've had LESS invasive treatments from dentists and urologists. That's probably because I'm a terribly hard person to get close to - I'm a lone wolf by nature, and I'm always so horribly worried whenever someone is going to come to my place.
Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble getting into a relationship and really opening up. Or because I've been burned so often, I'm not willing to open up and won't let anyone in my home as well. Or it's a self-feeding cycle that just worsens everything all at once... point is, my privacy's just been invaded and I hate it.
It's also a regular reminder that my life will never, EVER be normal like yours. Before you say anything, ask yourself this - have you ever wondered if that bag of chips is going to make you feel foggy and out of touch with reality for the afternoon? Do you suddenly have to pee and wonder if you've had too much to eat or drank something with more sugar than you realized? Worse yet, when you look at a piece of cake, do you have to struggle with yourself knowing that it WILL make your eyesight blurry for the next two days?
Okay, and now the obligatory love life comment. Status is stable at deserted, with no forecast changes unless ice ages can clear up like an overcast day. Sadly, it occured to me that between the fact that I've never had a relationship not end in tears and sex that, in truth, has never been satisfying at all, there's nothing in there either for me, so I really should stop beating myself up for it. Why am I missing something I never experienced? Sure, horseriding LOOKS fun when others do it, but if every time you try to mount you fall off and break an arm, you start to wonder after six or seven fractures if jigsaw puzzles might be more your thing.
Between my awful diabetes, less than stellar social life and wasteland of an emotional landscape, you can see why I hate my life right now.
Rant is over now, so move along.
Nothing to see.
It's bad enough the appointments dragged on and I had to wait two hours, but what really burns me is how he gets to poke and prod into my personal life and push judgement into what I'm doing wrong. It's utterly invasive, much more so than any kind of physical check he could possibly make. I've had LESS invasive treatments from dentists and urologists. That's probably because I'm a terribly hard person to get close to - I'm a lone wolf by nature, and I'm always so horribly worried whenever someone is going to come to my place.
Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble getting into a relationship and really opening up. Or because I've been burned so often, I'm not willing to open up and won't let anyone in my home as well. Or it's a self-feeding cycle that just worsens everything all at once... point is, my privacy's just been invaded and I hate it.
It's also a regular reminder that my life will never, EVER be normal like yours. Before you say anything, ask yourself this - have you ever wondered if that bag of chips is going to make you feel foggy and out of touch with reality for the afternoon? Do you suddenly have to pee and wonder if you've had too much to eat or drank something with more sugar than you realized? Worse yet, when you look at a piece of cake, do you have to struggle with yourself knowing that it WILL make your eyesight blurry for the next two days?
Okay, and now the obligatory love life comment. Status is stable at deserted, with no forecast changes unless ice ages can clear up like an overcast day. Sadly, it occured to me that between the fact that I've never had a relationship not end in tears and sex that, in truth, has never been satisfying at all, there's nothing in there either for me, so I really should stop beating myself up for it. Why am I missing something I never experienced? Sure, horseriding LOOKS fun when others do it, but if every time you try to mount you fall off and break an arm, you start to wonder after six or seven fractures if jigsaw puzzles might be more your thing.
Between my awful diabetes, less than stellar social life and wasteland of an emotional landscape, you can see why I hate my life right now.
Rant is over now, so move along.
Nothing to see.