+ 1 в коллекцию
Снова пополнение в забавные рассказы о Финляндии. Я смеялась до слёз:) Н упочему мне никто не показывал этого раньше?
Finland is called “Suomi” in our native language. It comes from the verb “suomia”, which means to scold or to lash. Basically, we’ve been dealt a bum card in life, and are forced to live in the most depressive, cold and miserable place on Earth. Do not be fooled by the Newsweek article about Finland being the “best country in the world”. That was written by an american, and what the hell do they know about anything.
Finland is populated by about 5 million men and women (homo depressientis fennica) in an area that is larger than the United Kingdom.
Our biggest dream in life is to win the lottery so they can move the fuck outta here.
The Language
The finnish language is considered one of the hardest ones to learn. We don’t think so, even our babies can speak it. Just goes to show how stupid the rest of the world is.
But not to worry, most of us can speak two or three other languages too (not other scandinavian languages or russian though. You can try english, for historical reasons we like the english language and the people a lot. They were at war with the Swedes in the 17th century, and we still love the britons for that.)
The finnish language has 86 consonants and 2 vowels. The words in finnish are not pronounced, they are just said.
Our language has 157 words for different kinds of snow and snow-related phenomena, but no word for “please”.
There is no way to sing in the finnish language, that’s why we don’t have any internationally famous singers or bands. Except for a few heavy metal groups, but they tend to just grunt. The first music we ever heard was Elvis in the 1990’s. Before that we didn’t even know singing existed.
Typical Finnish customs, rules and social conventions
Everybody has to drink alcohol all the time, everywhere. Refusing a drink is the worst kind of insult you could imagine. It’s also illegal to be a teetotaler. You will be tested for blood alcohol levels on the airport so remember to drink up in the plane. You have to be unconscious from alcohol poisoning before 10pm friday evening, or you will be deported.
When drunk, before passing out, a typical Finnish male can speak only about his time in the military service (compulsory for all males) and the 2nd World War from a Finnish perspective. You don’t have to pay attention to his ramblings, just remember to comment “a-ha” or “interensting” when they start poking you on the shoulder to gain your attention.
Finns never wear footwear indoors of private residences. It’s completely unacceptable to walk in with your muddy stinky shoes, so leave them in the vestibule. Showing the soles of your feet is completely acceptable, in fact it’s encouraged to plomp your feet on the coffee table whenever you can. Socks with holes in ‘em is a sign of sophistication.
Cursing is the norm. Learn your finnish curse words beforehand. Perkele is one of the most popular ones, other usable curse words include Saatana (satan), Vittu (fuck/cunt), Helvetti (hell) and Jumalauta (basically goddammit, literally “god help”). Those should get you by in any situation that may arise.
The attitude towards sex and nudity is very relaxed. In fact, people tend to speak about sex as casually as a briton might talk about weather. In fact it’s very common to hear somebody say “I pulled one off real good this mornin’ thinking ’bout your mother”. This is not considered rude or disgusting, and the other person will probably regale the listeners with his private escapades. Nudity is not a taboo in finland, with even kids TV programs showing all kinds of tits.
Instead of casual fridays our workplaces have nude fridays, where everybody in the office comes in johnson hangin’ and flappin’.
Never tip anybody in Finland. We are paid decent wages usually, and don’t need tips. Offering a tip to a waitress is a sign that you want to pay her for copulation.
Never give your condolences or commiserate anybody for anything. It is considered being condescending. If a Finn tells you her grandmother died or he got diagnosed with cancer, the best thing is to laugh and say “sucks to be you”. This is very polite, as it shows you have understood the situation and want to add to the misery by mocking him.
This ties in with the Finnish national philosophy of pessimistic realism. It states that any good thing that happens to you is taken away ten-fold with badness. So Finns like to gather misery, as it means at least they won’t be getting it ten-fold. As bad as a situation is, it might be ten times worse. A Finn is only happy when he gets to complain.
The Finnish personal distance is about 3 meters. Do not approach a Finn any nearer, or you could get punched on the nose. That’s why we always keep a 3-meter tape measure handy, so we can check if anybody is too near to us. Even married couples keep well clear of each other, and baby care can be tricky with a 3-meter pole.
The Finnish Coffee-drinking ceremony
The most important thing is learning the coffee drinking ceremony. When you are offered coffee, you can pour some milk or cream in only if you’re a child. Adults always drink their coffee black.
Don’t put sugar in the cup. Pour some coffee on the little platter, hold a sugarcube between your lips and suck the coffee from the plate thru the sugarcube. Never drink coffee straight out of the cup, it is only done by mental patients.
If you have some baked roll or other sliced bun, you can dip it in the coffee cup and eat it “wet”. But only do this in official events, as it is considered too sophisticated in casual circumstances.
If the bun includes raisins, they are not meant to be eaten. You pick the raisins out, make a face and stick the raisins under the little platter or inside your ears.
Food Culture
You cannot refuse food in Finland. You can try, but it does no good. Especially older people tend to over-feed their guests. If you stay with a Finnish family that includes grandparents, you can do nothing but eat the whole time. There simply is no time to do anything else.
After morning coffee around 5am the grandparents start to cook the “taters” (a common term for all food, like “tea” in UK), and you eat your first meal around 6am. Then it’s the after-dinner coffee, and after that they start to cook the next meal, which is followed by another coffee.
In Finland “coffee” is not just a small cup of black coffee. It’s a big mug plus buns, coffee bread, baked rolls, bread, sandwiches and bisquits of multiple kinds. This chain of food followed by coffee is repeated in endless succession until around 9pm, in which time you’re supposed to retire to your bed. After your evening snack, of course, which is basically an another meal.
The most common candy here is something called “salmiakki”, which is made from ammonium chloride (bleach) and covered in salts. For a foreigner it can taste as appealing as bitumen, but for a Finn it’s the taste of bliss. If you want to gain the undying respect of a Finn, you can try eating it without vomiting and ask for more. Salmiakki started out as a practical joke for foreigners, but we got used to its taste and now it’s ingrained in our psyche.
The Sauna
Finns invented the Sauna, no matter what the Swedes try to claim (the moochers). In a Finnish sauna you throw water on the rocks, with the normal temperature hovering around 150-190 degrees celsius.
You have to go in the sauna completely naked (no towels or swimsuits allowed. Finns throw you with the steaming hot sauna stove stones if you try to wear clothes in sauna) and you have to stay there until you get nauseated from lack of oxygen or get 1st degree burns from the steam. Drinking beer is highly recommended, as it dulls the senses and lets you stay in longer than is safe healthwise.
It’s also considered polite to fall on the hot stove when drunk. Having the brandname of the stove branded on your buttocks is a good thing. It’s like getting flower reef around your neck when visiting Hawaii.
During summer finns take branches off birch trees and whip their own bodies with them. I don’t think there’s any need to explain why this is done, I think it’s very obvious and self-explanatory really.
During winter finns like to run outside and roll around in the snow. Even when it’s 30 below zero celsius. If the sauna is next to a lake, there’s usually a hole cut on the ice, and you go have a dip in the below-freezing water, and then run back in sauna cursing like hell.
Wildlife
There’s only four kinds of mammals living in Finland. Squirrels, reindeer, shrews and polar bears. The rest have been hunted to extinction by hungry Finns and polar bears. We don’t have dogs or cats anymore, as all pets were all stolen by Russians during The War.
Visitors should remember that polar bears are nasty little buggers, who usually stalk around hotels and airports for hapless foreigners. They love the taste of human flesh, and they’re quite intelligent. Always remember to check the driver before you enter into a taxi, because it might be a polar bear ploy. They drive you to some remote location, eat your limbs and overcharge you for the trip. Sometimes it might be difficult to tell a Finn apart from a polar bear, because both can be quite hairy and have a lifeless expression in their eyes.
There’s differences, though. Finns usually have a red nose, where as bears have a completely black nose. There’s some slight differences in genitalia too.
Common Finnish phrases
The only words you really need are curse words. Just use perkele a lot, and you’re set.
The only other phrases you might concieveably have to use are:
-Lissää viinaa! (more booze!)
-Lissää löylyä! (more heat! (in sauna))
- Vittu mie lähen! (I’m fucking outta here!)
And that’s really all you need to know about us and our language. Please do not come here as we scare easily.
источник
Finland is called “Suomi” in our native language. It comes from the verb “suomia”, which means to scold or to lash. Basically, we’ve been dealt a bum card in life, and are forced to live in the most depressive, cold and miserable place on Earth. Do not be fooled by the Newsweek article about Finland being the “best country in the world”. That was written by an american, and what the hell do they know about anything.
Finland is populated by about 5 million men and women (homo depressientis fennica) in an area that is larger than the United Kingdom.
Our biggest dream in life is to win the lottery so they can move the fuck outta here.
The Language
The finnish language is considered one of the hardest ones to learn. We don’t think so, even our babies can speak it. Just goes to show how stupid the rest of the world is.
But not to worry, most of us can speak two or three other languages too (not other scandinavian languages or russian though. You can try english, for historical reasons we like the english language and the people a lot. They were at war with the Swedes in the 17th century, and we still love the britons for that.)
The finnish language has 86 consonants and 2 vowels. The words in finnish are not pronounced, they are just said.
Our language has 157 words for different kinds of snow and snow-related phenomena, but no word for “please”.
There is no way to sing in the finnish language, that’s why we don’t have any internationally famous singers or bands. Except for a few heavy metal groups, but they tend to just grunt. The first music we ever heard was Elvis in the 1990’s. Before that we didn’t even know singing existed.
Typical Finnish customs, rules and social conventions
Everybody has to drink alcohol all the time, everywhere. Refusing a drink is the worst kind of insult you could imagine. It’s also illegal to be a teetotaler. You will be tested for blood alcohol levels on the airport so remember to drink up in the plane. You have to be unconscious from alcohol poisoning before 10pm friday evening, or you will be deported.
When drunk, before passing out, a typical Finnish male can speak only about his time in the military service (compulsory for all males) and the 2nd World War from a Finnish perspective. You don’t have to pay attention to his ramblings, just remember to comment “a-ha” or “interensting” when they start poking you on the shoulder to gain your attention.
Finns never wear footwear indoors of private residences. It’s completely unacceptable to walk in with your muddy stinky shoes, so leave them in the vestibule. Showing the soles of your feet is completely acceptable, in fact it’s encouraged to plomp your feet on the coffee table whenever you can. Socks with holes in ‘em is a sign of sophistication.
Cursing is the norm. Learn your finnish curse words beforehand. Perkele is one of the most popular ones, other usable curse words include Saatana (satan), Vittu (fuck/cunt), Helvetti (hell) and Jumalauta (basically goddammit, literally “god help”). Those should get you by in any situation that may arise.
The attitude towards sex and nudity is very relaxed. In fact, people tend to speak about sex as casually as a briton might talk about weather. In fact it’s very common to hear somebody say “I pulled one off real good this mornin’ thinking ’bout your mother”. This is not considered rude or disgusting, and the other person will probably regale the listeners with his private escapades. Nudity is not a taboo in finland, with even kids TV programs showing all kinds of tits.
Instead of casual fridays our workplaces have nude fridays, where everybody in the office comes in johnson hangin’ and flappin’.
Never tip anybody in Finland. We are paid decent wages usually, and don’t need tips. Offering a tip to a waitress is a sign that you want to pay her for copulation.
Never give your condolences or commiserate anybody for anything. It is considered being condescending. If a Finn tells you her grandmother died or he got diagnosed with cancer, the best thing is to laugh and say “sucks to be you”. This is very polite, as it shows you have understood the situation and want to add to the misery by mocking him.
This ties in with the Finnish national philosophy of pessimistic realism. It states that any good thing that happens to you is taken away ten-fold with badness. So Finns like to gather misery, as it means at least they won’t be getting it ten-fold. As bad as a situation is, it might be ten times worse. A Finn is only happy when he gets to complain.
The Finnish personal distance is about 3 meters. Do not approach a Finn any nearer, or you could get punched on the nose. That’s why we always keep a 3-meter tape measure handy, so we can check if anybody is too near to us. Even married couples keep well clear of each other, and baby care can be tricky with a 3-meter pole.
The Finnish Coffee-drinking ceremony
The most important thing is learning the coffee drinking ceremony. When you are offered coffee, you can pour some milk or cream in only if you’re a child. Adults always drink their coffee black.
Don’t put sugar in the cup. Pour some coffee on the little platter, hold a sugarcube between your lips and suck the coffee from the plate thru the sugarcube. Never drink coffee straight out of the cup, it is only done by mental patients.
If you have some baked roll or other sliced bun, you can dip it in the coffee cup and eat it “wet”. But only do this in official events, as it is considered too sophisticated in casual circumstances.
If the bun includes raisins, they are not meant to be eaten. You pick the raisins out, make a face and stick the raisins under the little platter or inside your ears.
Food Culture
You cannot refuse food in Finland. You can try, but it does no good. Especially older people tend to over-feed their guests. If you stay with a Finnish family that includes grandparents, you can do nothing but eat the whole time. There simply is no time to do anything else.
After morning coffee around 5am the grandparents start to cook the “taters” (a common term for all food, like “tea” in UK), and you eat your first meal around 6am. Then it’s the after-dinner coffee, and after that they start to cook the next meal, which is followed by another coffee.
In Finland “coffee” is not just a small cup of black coffee. It’s a big mug plus buns, coffee bread, baked rolls, bread, sandwiches and bisquits of multiple kinds. This chain of food followed by coffee is repeated in endless succession until around 9pm, in which time you’re supposed to retire to your bed. After your evening snack, of course, which is basically an another meal.
The most common candy here is something called “salmiakki”, which is made from ammonium chloride (bleach) and covered in salts. For a foreigner it can taste as appealing as bitumen, but for a Finn it’s the taste of bliss. If you want to gain the undying respect of a Finn, you can try eating it without vomiting and ask for more. Salmiakki started out as a practical joke for foreigners, but we got used to its taste and now it’s ingrained in our psyche.
The Sauna
Finns invented the Sauna, no matter what the Swedes try to claim (the moochers). In a Finnish sauna you throw water on the rocks, with the normal temperature hovering around 150-190 degrees celsius.
You have to go in the sauna completely naked (no towels or swimsuits allowed. Finns throw you with the steaming hot sauna stove stones if you try to wear clothes in sauna) and you have to stay there until you get nauseated from lack of oxygen or get 1st degree burns from the steam. Drinking beer is highly recommended, as it dulls the senses and lets you stay in longer than is safe healthwise.
It’s also considered polite to fall on the hot stove when drunk. Having the brandname of the stove branded on your buttocks is a good thing. It’s like getting flower reef around your neck when visiting Hawaii.
During summer finns take branches off birch trees and whip their own bodies with them. I don’t think there’s any need to explain why this is done, I think it’s very obvious and self-explanatory really.
During winter finns like to run outside and roll around in the snow. Even when it’s 30 below zero celsius. If the sauna is next to a lake, there’s usually a hole cut on the ice, and you go have a dip in the below-freezing water, and then run back in sauna cursing like hell.
Wildlife
There’s only four kinds of mammals living in Finland. Squirrels, reindeer, shrews and polar bears. The rest have been hunted to extinction by hungry Finns and polar bears. We don’t have dogs or cats anymore, as all pets were all stolen by Russians during The War.
Visitors should remember that polar bears are nasty little buggers, who usually stalk around hotels and airports for hapless foreigners. They love the taste of human flesh, and they’re quite intelligent. Always remember to check the driver before you enter into a taxi, because it might be a polar bear ploy. They drive you to some remote location, eat your limbs and overcharge you for the trip. Sometimes it might be difficult to tell a Finn apart from a polar bear, because both can be quite hairy and have a lifeless expression in their eyes.
There’s differences, though. Finns usually have a red nose, where as bears have a completely black nose. There’s some slight differences in genitalia too.
Common Finnish phrases
The only words you really need are curse words. Just use perkele a lot, and you’re set.
The only other phrases you might concieveably have to use are:
-Lissää viinaa! (more booze!)
-Lissää löylyä! (more heat! (in sauna))
- Vittu mie lähen! (I’m fucking outta here!)
And that’s really all you need to know about us and our language. Please do not come here as we scare easily.
источник