(no subject)
Spring is here ... such a good feeling. Can't wait for summer. :-D Just got back from home. Florida is amazing, I love it there so much, except that I have no friends. It's kinda just like the old days when I was little, I just hang out with my bro and my ma cuz no one else is around. I like it, but I need some sort of social life. So yeah, I've been back on campus for less than 5 hours and I have that feeling of hatred back in me. I feel like I'm living 3 different lives. 1. Me and who I am in Florida 2. Who I am at UNH ( not something that I like too much) 3. Who I am with my real friends and Manchester People ... maybe this is why I'm so screwed up. Yeah, the doctors appointment never happened ... got put off until May ... kind of wishing now that it wasn't cancelled ... I need help. The thing is, I'm not sure why. I don't know whats wrong with me, I never know. I just want someone to tell me, but thats not what doctors do, they sit you down and give you meds ... it doesnt fix anything, it just puts it off until later.. guhhh I dont know.
I had this weird feeling today. I was thinking about Jessica. I haven't talked to her in about 5-6 months. I like it like that. I look back at all the times she treated me so badly, and how it was always about her. I can't be around people like that, so I finally ended it for good. I've had huge fights like these with her a million times though and we always end up making up and hanging out again like nothing ever happened. I dont want that this time. I want us to both go our own ways and be happy ... without eachother. I just can't help but think about when times were good, we had so much fun ... she would do anything for me ... but the feeling wasnt ever mutual ... she wanted all of me and I wasnt prepared for that ( I felt like I was in a relationship with her ... like wayyyy more than a friendship)... I don't know. I guess I have Jessica to thank. She made me realize what kind of people I do want to surround myself with. This past summer was one of the greatest of my life. I finally found friends that matter, that respected me as much as I respected them, and gave me my space. I cant deal with being suffocated, and I hate people that think they are the only ones with problems.
I don't know where this rant is going, it just needed to be said. I just really feel like calling Jessica. I suppose I am looking for closure... but I guess sometimes things are just better left unsaid.
Then I think about what it was that Jess did wrong, or in fact any other person that I have ever left along the way. And the truth is that none of them have done anything tht bad. I just push people out of my life. I dont know why. The minute I feel like i dont have enough space to myself with any one person, thats the end. Im done. It sucks. If I keep up like this, I will never have a steady boyfriend or get married. Maybe I'm afraid of getting close to people because I've been screwed over in the past. Maybe I have several deep underlying psychological issues.I absolutely will not talk out my problems with the person who I'm having issues with, and I wont share personal problems with anyone else ... what the hell is wrong with me ... I'd just rather push my problems aside and ignore them or pretend they didnt happen than to deal with them. Maybe I need to be psychoanalyzed. Funny. I'm going to be a psychologist, and I'm fucking crazy.
Everyone always said that shrinks themselves were looney ...
I guess it's true
I had this weird feeling today. I was thinking about Jessica. I haven't talked to her in about 5-6 months. I like it like that. I look back at all the times she treated me so badly, and how it was always about her. I can't be around people like that, so I finally ended it for good. I've had huge fights like these with her a million times though and we always end up making up and hanging out again like nothing ever happened. I dont want that this time. I want us to both go our own ways and be happy ... without eachother. I just can't help but think about when times were good, we had so much fun ... she would do anything for me ... but the feeling wasnt ever mutual ... she wanted all of me and I wasnt prepared for that ( I felt like I was in a relationship with her ... like wayyyy more than a friendship)... I don't know. I guess I have Jessica to thank. She made me realize what kind of people I do want to surround myself with. This past summer was one of the greatest of my life. I finally found friends that matter, that respected me as much as I respected them, and gave me my space. I cant deal with being suffocated, and I hate people that think they are the only ones with problems.
I don't know where this rant is going, it just needed to be said. I just really feel like calling Jessica. I suppose I am looking for closure... but I guess sometimes things are just better left unsaid.
Then I think about what it was that Jess did wrong, or in fact any other person that I have ever left along the way. And the truth is that none of them have done anything tht bad. I just push people out of my life. I dont know why. The minute I feel like i dont have enough space to myself with any one person, thats the end. Im done. It sucks. If I keep up like this, I will never have a steady boyfriend or get married. Maybe I'm afraid of getting close to people because I've been screwed over in the past. Maybe I have several deep underlying psychological issues.I absolutely will not talk out my problems with the person who I'm having issues with, and I wont share personal problems with anyone else ... what the hell is wrong with me ... I'd just rather push my problems aside and ignore them or pretend they didnt happen than to deal with them. Maybe I need to be psychoanalyzed. Funny. I'm going to be a psychologist, and I'm fucking crazy.
Everyone always said that shrinks themselves were looney ...
I guess it's true