Metamour Connection Levels
In polyamory, we refer to our partner's other partners as "metamours". We know that polyamorous relationships can get quite complicated to manage and characterize. One question that seems often asked is: do you let your partners talk to each other? The polyamorous credo of open honesty would suggest that the answer is obvious, but the truth doesn't always shape up that way.
It occurs to me that it could be helpful to have a handy set of terms to describe how close two metamours are to one another:
Level 1: Acceptance. You are at least aware of the other person. You know his/her name. You have at least some sense of what your partner sees in this other person. You might have met once or twice.
Level 2: Acquaintance. You hang out now and then (maybe once a month) and have talked somewhat with your metamour. You have certain things in common. You have a general trust and you understand what your partner sees in this person.
Level 3: Friendship. You hang out a lot (a few times a week) and have talked extensively. In some ways, you consider yourself to be just about as close to your metamour as your partner is.
Level 4: Integration. Your metamour is also your own lover. You are part of a triad or other tight intimate network. You share almost everything with this 3rd person. Technically, s/he's no longer a metamour, but part of the family.
To be sure, the connections between any two metamours is complex and certainly not "digital" like this. Still, I think these terms can help.
Also, I would stress that this is not meant to suggest that any level is somehow more moral or better than any other. For example, if you have a good friendship with a metamour but have no romantic interest in him/her, it doesn't make sense to think this is somehow a failing. On the other hand, it's my own opinion that only reaching the "acceptance" level can be dangerous. It could be hard to trust a metamour's intentions or otherwise be sympathetic to his/her perspective.
I welcome feedback on this concept and these terms.
It occurs to me that it could be helpful to have a handy set of terms to describe how close two metamours are to one another:
Level 1: Acceptance. You are at least aware of the other person. You know his/her name. You have at least some sense of what your partner sees in this other person. You might have met once or twice.
Level 2: Acquaintance. You hang out now and then (maybe once a month) and have talked somewhat with your metamour. You have certain things in common. You have a general trust and you understand what your partner sees in this person.
Level 3: Friendship. You hang out a lot (a few times a week) and have talked extensively. In some ways, you consider yourself to be just about as close to your metamour as your partner is.
Level 4: Integration. Your metamour is also your own lover. You are part of a triad or other tight intimate network. You share almost everything with this 3rd person. Technically, s/he's no longer a metamour, but part of the family.
To be sure, the connections between any two metamours is complex and certainly not "digital" like this. Still, I think these terms can help.
Also, I would stress that this is not meant to suggest that any level is somehow more moral or better than any other. For example, if you have a good friendship with a metamour but have no romantic interest in him/her, it doesn't make sense to think this is somehow a failing. On the other hand, it's my own opinion that only reaching the "acceptance" level can be dangerous. It could be hard to trust a metamour's intentions or otherwise be sympathetic to his/her perspective.
I welcome feedback on this concept and these terms.