(no subject)
God. Why is it that when he disappoints you, it's so easy for you to forgive him, but when it's me, you just can't let go of your anger? I'm so sick and tired of this, of feeling this way every time we have a disagreement. Aren't I your child as well? Why does he get to be babied all the time, and yet you have such a hard time treating me like the child I am, the child I still feel I am? It is because I'm the older one that I get treated this way, because you think I should always be responsible and good and perfect? I'm not, and I hope that someday you realize that I'm not perfect. I hope someday you finally allow me to commit mistakes and not -look- at me that way, like I'm such a big disappointment and that you can't believe I CAN commit mistakes. I'm human, ma. I'm just human, and it hurts so much every time I fall that you're not there to help me back up. Instead, you're on the sidelines, sneering at me for committing those mistakes. God. My achievements never seem to satisfy you, nothing is ever good enough. The words you tell me don't match your actions; telling me that you're proud of me when you clearly are not, telling me that your satisfied of my accomplishments when you so clearly envy other people's children when they boast of honors and awards and medals. I'm sorry I never got you that 1st honor award, or that gold medal, I'm sorry that I was never ever ever that good, that smart, that holy, that-that perfect. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted, and I'm sorry for being me. I just wish that you can be sorry too, for treating me like I'm always NOT GOOD ENOUGH. That when
I make mistakes it's like the end of the world.
Sometimes I envy them - those people who have such supporting parents. Good for them, right? Well, whatever. I'm stuck with you and you're stuck with little old imperfect me. We just have to deal with each other then. I just wish that someday.. someday, you realize how much this kind of treatment from you - the special treatment for my brother, the comparisons with other people's children, disregarding the things that I love and am proud of as trivial and unnecessary - has affected me and my emotions. That this kind of treatment from you has led me to be this dysfunctional little turd who can't seem to treat other people right, the way they deserve. I love you, yet you make me want to hate you so much.
God. All this over a pair of ruined sneakers.
I make mistakes it's like the end of the world.
Sometimes I envy them - those people who have such supporting parents. Good for them, right? Well, whatever. I'm stuck with you and you're stuck with little old imperfect me. We just have to deal with each other then. I just wish that someday.. someday, you realize how much this kind of treatment from you - the special treatment for my brother, the comparisons with other people's children, disregarding the things that I love and am proud of as trivial and unnecessary - has affected me and my emotions. That this kind of treatment from you has led me to be this dysfunctional little turd who can't seem to treat other people right, the way they deserve. I love you, yet you make me want to hate you so much.
God. All this over a pair of ruined sneakers.