Fic: The Time The Glee Club Tried Subtlety And Totally Rocked It
FANDOM: Glee
RATING: PG-13 for language
SUMMARY: As co-captain of Glee and more importantly as its most talented member it is clearly up to Rachel to solve this Kurt situation.
CATEGORY: Gen, Rachel- and Kurt-centric
SPOILERS: Skips merrily down the AU path around about the middle of 'Furt' and refers to but doesn't spoil 'Special Education'.
DISCLAIMER: On a scale of One to Not Mine, these characters are Not Mine. They belong to a lot of terribly important and official people who work for big companies and get salaries and basically aren’t me. Suing me for copyright infringement would be pointless and unprofitable, I swear. A moose once bit my sister.
ETA: This story was brilliantly remixed by the incomparable littledust. You can find her funny, poignant re-imagining of it here: To Save The World (Tick Tock Remix).
The Time The Glee Club Tried Subtlety And Totally Rocked It
Kurt’s rendition of ‘Le Jazz Hot’ is amazing - unsurprising, considering he’s probably the best second-tier soprano New Directions has (Rachel herself is of course in a class of her own). He even hits the iconic high note at the end, which is nothing short of stunning. Julie Andrews would definitely have approved.
But there’s something... off about it that Rachel can’t quite put her finger on. The singing is fantastic, the costume is spot-on, even Kurt’s makeup is perfect.
Could it have been the backup dancers?
No, that isn’t it either...
“Something wrong, pumpkin?” Daddy asks, setting his spoon down long enough to reach over and tuck Rachel’s hair behind her ear.
“I’m having trouble dissecting one of my classmates’ songs,” Rachel says pensively. “By the numbers it was very well done, but there was something wrong with it that I can’t figure out. I’m worried it may become an issue at Sectionals.”
“Describe it, maybe we can help,” Papa suggests, sneaking an extra helping of ice cream while Daddy’s attention is diverted.
Rachel smiles a little and doesn’t rat him out. Daddy already stole some of Papa’s whipped cream, anyway. “Kurt did ‘Le Jazz Hot’ for his duet, and while - “
Daddy chokes on his water. “He did what?”
“‘Le Jazz Hot’,” Rachel says, feeling inexplicably defensive about it. “He did a very good job, Daddy. He even hit the high note.”
“No, no, I’m sure he did,” Daddy says, mopping up water with his napkin. “It’s just - “
“It took balls, sweetheart,” Papa says.
“Andrew, language!”
Papa rolls his eyes. “It took courage, sweetheart. I never would have done it.” He jabs his spoon in Daddy’s direction. “Remember your senior year, when you tried to organize a student trip to see Some Like It Hot at the Revival - “
“Yes, thank you, that’s enough,” Daddy says hurriedly. “Suffice it to say it didn’t go over well and I still have trouble cooking with tomato sauce.”
“Is that why we never have pasta?” Rachel asks, momentarily derailed.
Daddy shudders. “Anyway, that might be what was off to you about the performance.”
“Sheer terror is at odds with the tone of the song,” Papa says, nodding.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel spends the whole next day (when she isn’t performing, of course - those times are reserved for Finn) watching Kurt. He does look scared sometimes, generally while he’s out in the hallways which is a fairly normal state of being for a member of New Directions, but mostly...
He looks... sad. Lonely.
This will not do. Not only will it negatively impact the group dynamic, thus damaging their ability to emotionally connect to the music they perform at Sectionals, but Kurt is one of the original members and also kind of her friend and seeing him upset makes her feel bad.
When in doubt, Rachel turns to Barbra and Judy.
Singing with Kurt is fantastic. Their duet is perfect, technically and emotionally, although Kurt seems to connect more to the bittersweet parts of the song than to the message of joy in the face of adversity. It still works, and he seems a little more himself afterwards, and of course the audience loves it.
Rachel is very pleased with herself.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Somehow Rachel picks up the habit of keeping an eye on Kurt.
Not in a creepy stalker way, of course - Kurt’s gay and Rachel is in eternal love with Finn, hopefully until the end of high school. And she doesn’t do it all the time - they don’t really have many classes together, so mostly it’s during lunch and Glee that she finds herself checking Kurt over, gauging his reactions to things, and trying to figure out what his emotional state is.
Something changes after the boys-versus-girls competition, and it’s not good.
Suddenly she starts noticing things - first the weight loss, which is especially worrying when it comes with paler-than-normal skin tone and carefully concealed dark smudges under Kurt’s eyes. Then come the more subdued clothing choices, which, okay, Rachel has to take a moment to be proud of herself for noticing.
The final straw is the way he starts flinching at loud noises. Rachel carefully wears black the next day to school and spends as much time as she can between classes shadowing Kurt.
Before first period, one of the football players - Karofsky, she thinks - shoves him into the lockers. Rachel winces, because it was pretty hard shove, but doesn’t think too much of it because it’s not like getting bullied in the hallways is unusual for someone in the Glee club.
Then Karofsky does it again before second period.
And before third.
Rachel skips third-period English just so she can loiter outside Kurt’s chem class and casually be on hand to escort him to history. She knows she’s too small to be much of an obvious threat to someone like Karofsky, but as Daddy and Papa have both pointed out to her numerous times being short really just puts her in an advantageous striking position when it comes to boys.
The problem with that, of course, as Rachel finds out when Karofsky shoves Kurt from behind and they both go flying, is that she really needs to be facing her target to be effective. Also, it is immediately clear that merely the presence of another person will not protect Kurt from Karofsky.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Rachel delivers Kurt to the bemused but hopefully more effective care of Mike and Artie, and calls a meeting of Glee Girls With Football Boyfriends (GGWFB for short, although disappointingly no one else seems keen on the acronym). Quinn’s unexpected and inconvenient knowledge of feminism aside, everyone quickly realises the superior brilliance of Rachel’s plan and agrees that a show of force is the only option.
Mike and Artie volunteer to help immediately. Finn refuses. Rachel’s not entirely sure what to do with that.
The confrontation between the GFB (Glee Football Boys) and Karofsky happens in the boys’ locker room, and sadly Rachel is prohibited from being able to enjoy the drama of it all. She has to settle for the aftermath in the choir room, where it is no longer appropriate to clutch her hands dramatically to her throat and swoon at a climactic moment (Rachel’s never swooned before and the concrete floor of the locker room would probably make it inadvisable, but Elizabeth Taylor makes it look terribly glamorous and Rachel is a sucker for the classics).
Swooning would be more fun if Finn had been in the fight, anyway. Rachel hasn’t really been able to land on a firm stance in her head about that. She loves him, but that was really disappointing. It’s weird.
She pushes those considerations out of her mind and goes over to Kurt after Glee is over. He doesn’t seem to be overflowing with gratitude and safety after his rescue - he mostly just looks shaken.
“Kurt, are you okay?” Rachel asks, because if he’s going the gracefully tragic route then someone really has to play the sympathy role or it’s just going to get depressing.
“I’m...” Kurt struggles for a moment. “I’m... I don’t know.”
And now is the part where Rachel says something cheering and bracing that will make Kurt feel immediately better and maybe want to sing something like ‘Everything’s Coming Up Roses’. What comes out of her mouth is “My dads thought you were really brave to perform ‘Le Jazz Hot’,” which, okay, she can do supportive instead, supportive works.
“I was mostly just angry,” Kurt says. “But thank you.” He gives her a sideways look. “This whole fight thing - was this your idea?”
Rachel clears her throat, embarrassed. “Well. I didn’t intend on actual fisticuffs.”
“I don’t like that they got hurt because of me,” Kurt says, eyes fixed resolutely on the far wall. “But, um, it was... nice of you. I hadn’t thought anyone had noticed. So, thanks.”
“Of course,” Rachel says, a little too brightly because this really isn’t their usual dynamic and wow is it ever super awkward. “You have to be in top form for Sectionals, you know - if by some unimaginable catastrophe I am unable to perform I’ll need a decent understudy.”
That actually makes Kurt laugh a little. “Me singing a girl song in competition would probably give Mr. Schuester a stroke.”
“Well, by the time we’re in the competition he’s really become irrelevant, hasn’t he?” Rachel points out, grinning, and Kurt laughs harder. It’s a little bit hysterical, but Rachel can work with that.
“It’s good to see you laugh, Kurt. I guess there hasn’t been much to laugh about recently.”
Kurt sighs, surreptitiously wiping his eyes a little. “No, not much. I’m going to be teaching my dad and Finn how to waltz after school, though - it should be alternately horrific and hilarious, if you’d like to come.”
Rachel bounces in her seat. She does love to dance, and she definitely loves to share her considerable experience and knowledge, and a little part of her is just thrilled Kurt even asked her along. “Well, it would make for a more even pupil to teacher ratio. Would you like to use my basement? We have an excellent sound system.”
Kurt blinks, surprised. “Sure. We were going to use the choir room, but frankly the more time I can spend away from this place the better. You’re on.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Hi Daddy, hi Papa,” Rachel sings as she comes through the front door. “Is it okay if I have some people over tonight? Kurt needs to teach his dad and Finn how to dance for the wedding and I said I’d help and we could use the basement.”
“Sure, sweetheart,” Daddy says, not looking up from his crossword. “We have that thing with Susan tonight, but if you don’t mind playing hostess by yourself I don’t see a problem.”
“I’ll set out some snacks,” Papa says, heading for the kitchen. “Dancing is hard work if you’re doing it right.”
“Thank you!” Rachel calls after him. She plops herself down on the couch next to Daddy.
“‘Flat hat’, five letters - any ideas?” he asks.
“Beret, Daddy.”
“Brilliant,” Daddy says, kissing the top of her head. “How was your day?”
Rachel hums. “Eventful,” she says finally. “Some of the Glee guys tried to get the football team to back off of Kurt and they got in a fight.” She fidgets with the hem of her skirt. “Finn wouldn’t do it.”
Daddy puts down his puzzle. “Finn wouldn’t fight?”
“Well, it wasn’t supposed to be a fight,” Rachel explains, still a little guilty about this point. “They were just supposed to talk, but Finn wouldn’t go.”
“Too bad,” Papa says from the doorway. “With his size, he could probably take out a few guys just by tripping and falling on them.”
Rachel scowls. “He’s gotten a lot more coordinated, Papa.”
“He’s dating my baby. I don’t have to be nice,” Papa says loftily.
“You’re disappointed in him?” Daddy asks, getting back on track.
“I think so,” Rachel mumbles.
Daddy sighs. “Me too. It’s hard to go against what your friends think at that age, though.”
Rachel sits up, indignant. “We’re his friends, they’re just on a team with him. And besides, it isn’t that hard. In Glee we do things people don’t like all the time!”
Papa and Daddy are both smiling at her. “What?”
“I just get all proud of you sometimes,” Daddy says, mistily.
“I tell you what,” Papa adds. “You keep an eye on Kurt in case the jocks retaliate, and try having some talks with Finn in the meantime - explain why this is so important and maybe he’ll come around.”
Rachel mulls this over. “What if he still doesn’t agree?”
“Dump his ass,” Papa says cheerfully, ignoring Daddy’s “Language!”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel spends most of the dance lesson thinking, which is fine because Finn’s concentrating so hard he doesn’t seem to notice anyway. Across the room, Mr. Hummel seems to be picking up the steps a lot faster, which Rachel hastily attributes to latent ability and not the effectiveness of Kurt’s teaching style over hers.
Setting aside Finn’s issues for the moment - although she knows she’ll have to take some time later to sit down and write up a good monologue for herself - the problem with Karofsky is, unfortunately, still a problem. By escorting Kurt from class to class they’re really only delaying the inevitable showdown, although everyone in Glee has taken on their bodyguarding responsibilities with heartening enthusiasm (Brittany even made up a color-coded schedule which managed to be confusing, helpful, and disturbing all at the same time - Rachel’s putting that down to the kitten stickers that Brittany had very carefully given penciled-in nunchucks and semiautomatics).
The other issue is that Kurt knows how fragile his protection is - while she’s certain he sincerely appreciates it as a gesture, most of what they did by having that locker room fight was prove that Karofsky could beat up three Glee guys at once. Even by assigning a girl to each escort team to stand in front of Kurt so Karofsky can’t get to him without hitting her first (Puck’s idea, surprisingly) they’re taking a pretty big gamble.
Rachel absently congratulates Finn for going sixteen beats without stepping on her feet (ow) and tries to focus.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel calls a Glee Girls meeting the next day during lunch, when Kurt can be surrounded by all of the Glee Guys simultaneously in a highly public place.
“Ladies,” she says, tapping her pointer on one hand. “I have called you here for a strategy session. We need to come up with a plan that will neutralize Karofsky.”
“Is that why you’re wearing an Army hat?” Tina asks warily.
“The hat makes it more serious,” Rachel says quellingly. It had been really hard to find one in her size, too. “The point is, we’re only delaying the inevitable. We need to find a way to solve this situation permanently.”
“My cat’s in the Mafia,” Brittany says. “We could use his Mob connections.”
“Um, we’ll call that Plan B, okay, Brittany?”
“I can take care of Karofsky,” Santana interrupts.
Rachel blinks because wow, that was easy. She even has a whole speech planned, which she wrote while listening to ‘Do You Hear The People Sing?’ on repeat. It’s quite stirring, if she does say so herself; maybe she can still work it into the conversation later. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely,” Santana says. “While he’s been watching Kurt I’ve been watching him, and I’ve got a plan.”
Rachel trades nervous looks with Mercedes. While seduction is a classic strategy and Santana is undoubtedly a master of it (ew), she’d really been looking for something a little more... well. Satisfyingly violent. “Um, what are you going to do, exactly?”
“I’m going to use YouTube,” Santana says grimly. “I’m going to make him watch ‘It gets better’ videos until he cracks.”
“Oh.” Well, that was … unexpected.
“Do you really think that will work?” Quinn says skeptically.
“I’m also bringing a baseball bat,” Santana says with great satisfaction.
Yeah, okay, that will work. Rachel’s really regretting that ‘badass’ is the one role she's never been able to pull off convincingly because this plan has enormous dramatic potential.
Mercedes raises her hand. “We have another plan we need to make, too,” she says. “We need to do something really nice for Kurt. I mean, we’re protecting him now, but it’s been a long time coming and we really let him down.”
“I agree,” Rachel says. “We should have been watching each other’s backs like we did last year, not getting so wrapped up in - in trivialities. And...” she takes a deep breath. “I have a plan for that, too.”
It had come to her last night while she was doing her before-bed Barbra medley. She still can’t believe she’s going to say it out loud, but... it’s undeniably brilliant and under other circumstances would make for an outstanding final scene.
“There’s a reason I only called the Glee Girls together for this meeting, and that’s because we represent the entirety of the traditionally female soloists in Glee club.” Come on, come on, she can say it, she can say it...
“We need to arrange for Kurt to take lead at Sectionals.”
There. That had only been excruciatingly painful.
“Who are you and what have you done with Rachel?” Tina blurts, and then blushes. “Oh, that was my out-loud voice...”
“Mr. Schue’s never going to go for it,” Quinn says dismissively. “I mean, you’re right, it would be an incredible gesture and I agree that it would be appropriate, but we’re never going to get it past him.”
Rachel feels her heart sink. It’s so perfect. “If we all insisted - “
“No, Quinn’s right,” Mercedes says thoughtfully. “But you know what we do? We pull a last-minute switch.”
They all stare.
“Awesome,” Tina breathes. “That’s brilliant, we have to.”
“Mercedes, you genius,” Rachel says.
“It’s going to get complicated, though,” Mercedes warns. “Because I really think it would mean the most if it was our group duet piece, so it’s really clear that everyone's in on it and it’s a solidarity thing. We’re going to need to get the guys involved, too.”
Rachel bites her lip. That does make it more complicated, and unfortunately Mercedes’ sense of story construction is right on target. “It will probably be Finn who gets the male lead,” she says slowly. “I can talk to him and bring him on board.”
Maybe. Probably. She hopes. At least Kurt and Finn will sound good together oh God she can’t believe she’s giving this up...
Quinn raises one delicate hand. “One issue,” she says smoothly. “How do we guarantee that the girl who actually gets picked steps back for Kurt when it comes down to it?”
Oh. Everyone is looking at her quite steadily. And they have a point - letting go of the lead, on stage, in competition - and Kurt’s good, he really is, but Rachel knows she’s more talented -
She raises her chin. “If I back out,” she says, voice only quavering a little. “I give you permission to - to shave my head.”
The resulting gasp is quite satisfying.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mr. Schue picks Finn and Rachel for the duet, as expected, and assigns them ‘The Time of My Life’, which Kurt and Finn will sound good on and isn’t outrageously inappropriate in terms of lyrics as long as they play up the brotherly affection angle and maybe cut the ‘passion in our eyes’ line.
He picks Santana for the solo.
Rachel grips the sides of her chair so hard her fingers go numb and just barely manages to retain her composure. A little visible disappointment is okay because losing that solo would hurt under any circumstances but oh God she’s not going to get to sing. Not at all.
Well, in the background, but it’s not like that counts.
Under the circumstances - and to avoid the suddenly sympathetic eyes of the other girls in Glee - Rachel decides it’s totally valid to take five minutes in the girl’s bathroom to sob heart-wrenchingly before she goes to talk to Finn.
“Are you okay?” Finn asks as they walk outside. “You eyes are kind of red.”
“Allergies,” Rachel says.
“Oh!” Finn’s expression clears immediately. “Those totally suck. I’m allergic to strawberries, I get all itchy and then I have diarrhea. Um. But not often.”
“Ah,” Rachel says, making a mental note.
“Are you upset about the solo?” Finn asks.
“No, not really,” Rachel says, faking a smile because she’s not going to be able to accommodate more tears until she gets home and has a chance to re-hydrate. “It’s nice to include the others from time to time.”
“Right, yeah,” Finn says, nodding.
“Finn, have you ever considered doing a song with Kurt? Your voices would work really well together.”
“What, in front of people?” Finn says, eyes bugging unattractively. “No - I mean, yeah, he’s got a good voice, but it would be weird.”
“You danced with him at the wedding,” Rachel points out. There’s an odd feeling in her stomach, kind of hot and sick and angry and disappointed all at the same time.
“Well, yeah, and I meant what I said in the speech, too, but singing’s different, you know? I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Finn, I don’t want a ride home today. I’m going to walk.”
“Are you mad at me?” Finn asks, uncertainly.
“No,” Rachel forces herself to say, because she’s going to have to fake-practice their duet until Sectionals and if she blows up now she'll have to fake-reconcile too. “I just want the exercise. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
She allows herself precisely thirty seconds of hyperventilation after she turns the corner and Finn’s out of sight, and then she calls Mercedes.
“It just got a whole lot more complicated,” she says, sadly aware that her voice has a hysterical tinge to it. “Finn’s not going to do the song. I mean, I can force him into it, but he’ll be awkward and uncomfortable and the audience will pick up on it and so will Kurt and frankly there’s a very high possibility that right before the performance he’ll just cave under the societal pressure and back out completely!”
“Breathe, girl,” Mercedes says, and her commanding tone does make Rachel stop and attempt to acquire oxygen. “Okay, so we’ll just have to find another guy. We can lock Finn in a closet or something when the time comes.”
“Okay. Okay,” Rachel says. “It’s not quite the appearance of unity I was hoping for and we’ll have to find some way to get him onstage partway through so we still have twelve members but I’m sure with some coaching one of the other guys can pull off - “
She stops. 'The Time Of My Life' was an unsuitable song choice from the beginning.
“Mercedes,” she says, voice trembling with the insanity of the idea she’s about to suggest. “I have an idea.”
“We’re not just going to replace the lead. We’re going to replace the whole damn song.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It’s ridiculous. It’s possibly suicidal.
Absolutely everyone is on board.
Rachel picks Puck as the easiest to convince, and once she points out the rebellious aspect and implies that he’s the only guy in Glee badass enough to sing a surprise duet with Kurt in competition he’s all for it. She stays up all night trying to find a song that will incorporate Kurt’s soaring soprano, Puck’s rock and roll, and the rest of the club in a way that won’t be jarring, and finally goes with ‘Four Minutes’ which they’ve technically sort of already performed but at least Kurt already knows it and - she will never admit to this out loud because she is a Broadway girl thank you very much - because the line only got four minutes to change the world gives her chills, considering the circumstances.
Brittany and Mike choreograph the number. Impromptu guerrilla dance practices spring up all over school as everyone tries to learn the secret song while keeping up an appearance of competence at the one Kurt, Finn, and Mr. Schue think they’re actually going to do.The costuming and set issues are solved when Artie has the brilliant idea that if everyone on stage puts on shades at the start of the number then it doesn’t matter what their clothing or surroundings look like because sunglasses indoors are a universally-recognized symbol and they’ll automatically all become secret agents under cover.
Mercedes, Tina, and Brittany covertly get Kurt up to speed on the lyrics and the choreography by inventing a cousin of Tina’s who wants them to perform it at a (fictional) mid-year college graduation party. Mercedes reports that Kurt doesn’t seem entirely convinced by their cover story and is a little bemused by their insistence on practicing it so much just before Sectionals and giving him more than his share of the song to sing, but certainly doesn’t suspect their real motivation.
Rachel isn’t sure when keeping the plan a secret from Kurt became A Thing, but she thinks it’s perfect. The look on his face is going to be delicious and it will keep him from stressing, which is really a kindness.
Sectionals arrives before she knows it. Rachel’s so nervous that she actually starts biting her nails in the greenroom, which is something she hasn’t done since she won her first talent show.
As they’re going in to the auditorium to watch the other groups perform, she grabs Finn’s hand.
“Finn, can you come with me? I have something I really need to talk to you about.”
Finn frowns. “Sure, but wouldn’t it be better later?”
“No,” Rachel says, tugging his hand insistently. “It has to be now.”
She leads him around past the concession stand and pushes him into an unused cloakroom, which Sam and Quinn had found and unlocked earlier (she’s not sure exactly how, and thinks it’s probably best she doesn’t ask. Sam muttered something about Quinn being handy with a nail file, which after some consideration Rachel realised would make a pretty decent shiv).
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Finn says worriedly. “I mean, we’ve stayed away from hot tubs.”
“What?” Rachel says, because what? “No, that’s not it. Look, I just want to ask you something.” She takes a deep breath. It’s now or never - she has to delay him for their plan to work, and more importantly, she has to know. “Does Kurt make you uncomfortable because he’s gay?”
“I like Kurt,” Finn says defensively. “He’s my brother. Like, actually.”
“You didn’t want to sing with him.”
“No, I just...” Finn shuffles his feet and tries to look anywhere but at her. “I’d like to think that because we’re brothers now nobody would say anything, but you know they would. And I’m not. That.”
“Gay,” Rachel says sadly. “You can’t even say it.”
“It’s not that, I can so say it. I just don’t want to say it wrong,” Finn protests.
Rachel honestly actually feels her heart miss a beat. “How is wrong? Queer? Fag?”
“Don’t say that,” Finn says quickly. “Look, I didn’t know, okay? I didn’t think about how he’d take it. But I know not to say it now, all right? I apologized and everything and we’re cool now. I’m just trying not to mess up again.”
Rachel breathes shakily. “Does it make you uncomfortable to be around my dads?”
“No?” Finn says uncertainly. “Look, Rachel I can see why this bothers you, but you have to understand how it is for a guy. Kurt had this huge crush on me and it was super awkward but that’s not the same as with your dads.”
Maybe, maybe I can still work with this, Rachel thinks desperately. Maybe I can teach him. “What about the speech you made at the wedding? You said you’d have his back no matter what.”
“Well, yeah, and I do mean it - if there’s a fight or something I’m totally there, it’s just that those are. Um.” He grimaces, but goes ahead and says it anyway. “Kind of more manly.”
No.
“Finn, I’m sorry about this,” Rachel says, and actually mostly means it. There are a lot of good things about Finn and he’s right, he does honestly try to fix it when he messes up.
It’s just too bad that his learning curve is so disastrous for everyone else.
“Sorry about what?” Finn asks.
“I’m switching to Team Kurt,” Rachel says, and the next moment she’s out the door and slamming it shut behind her. A moment’s work with the door stopper Quinn and Sam left behind and Finn is safely out of the way.
She makes it to the auditorium just as the Warblers are finishing up a semi-decent rendition of ‘Soul Sister’ (the soloist, that’s Kurt’s secret not-boyfriend, right? She hopes so, their voices will go together well when they reach the duet stage of their relationship) and the New Directions are taking their places in the wings. Rachel waits until the Warblers are off and the curtains have closed, and then makes her way to where Kurt will be.
“Rachel?” His eyebrows shoot up when he notices her in the backstage gloom. “What are you doing back here? You’re supposed to be at the back with Finn!”
“Change of plans,” Rachel says briskly. “We’re hijacking the performance. You’re doing ‘Four Minutes’ with Puck. Artie’s taking the Timbaland parts, it’s the choreography you learned for Tina’s fictional cousin’s fictional graduation party, um... am I forgetting anything?”
“What? Fictional? Wait, you’re giving up the lead?”
Okay, fine, he would get stuck on that point -
And for a moment she nearly doesn’t go through with it. She feels shaky and terrible after the conversation with Finn and ‘Four Minutes’ isn’t traditionally a heartbroken ballad but she’s talented enough to make it work, performing always makes her feel better...
In the shadows behind Kurt, Mercedes makes threatening scissor motions with her fingers.
“If I don’t Mercedes is going to shave my head,” she says with complete solemnity. She shoves a pair of shades on Kurt’s face, wraps his stunned fingers around the microphone, hisses “Go out there and make Mr. Schue have kittens,” and pushes him hard in the back just as the opening strains of music come through the speakers.
It doesn’t make for the most dignified entrance in the history of theater, but at least it happens.
She listens long enough to hear Artie start the song and see everyone slip onstage from the wings, and then she sneaks back out through the audience (where Mr. Schue does, in fact, look like he’s having some kind of fit).
She can hear Finn banging on the door as she comes down the corridor. He’s flushed and red faced when she opens the door.
“Rachel, what the hell - “
“Sorry,” Rachel says, not feeling very. “There was a master plan, it was a whole thing. Come on or you’re going to miss our cue.”
“What?” Finn says blankly.
“Well, here’s the thing,” Rachel says calmly as she leads him around to the stage entrance. Inside she thinks she may be having hysterics of some sort, but on the outside she’s still got her show face. “You are a generally nice boy, but I think there are some philosophical issues we need to work out before I can date you again. Oh,” she adds, because Finn probably did miss this point, “What I said before about being on Team Kurt? That was me breaking up with you. Sorry. I can see how it might have been unclear - it wasn’t my best line because it implies that I'm dating Kurt now which I'm not but I kind of panicked. Anyway, we need to get on stage if you want to have any chance of establishing a mutually satisfactory brotherly relationship and also prevent us from being disqualified.”
“I’m really confused,” Finn says plaintively.
“It’s okay, just follow my lead,” Rachel says, then slips on her shades and times dragging him out on stage with the grab a boy, grab a girl line.
Mike and Brittany, being the relative geniuses (geniusi?) that they are, actually built the choreography around Finn not knowing what to do. Finn stumbles out, noticeable for being bewildered, uncoordinated, and the only one on stage without sunglasses, and is immediately incorporated into the flow of the dance. Brittany of all people had come up with the idea that there could be a non-spy in the mix that the others could hide behind and push around and Finn, unwittingly, plays his part to perfection. From what Rachel can see against the glare of the stage lights as she strikes a Charlie’s Angels pose with Tina and Mercedes, a good portion of the audience is on their feet and not in a way that suggests they’re trying to leave, and she can hear laughter as Artie and Quinn play a cat-and-mouse game around Finn and he whirls in place, trying to figure out what they’re up to.
At the front of the stage, Kurt and Puck are egging each other on. Their voices sound amazing together and they look like they’re having a blast. Rachel only feels a tiny twinge of regret that it isn’t (won’t be) her and Finn, and then pretends to cover Mike as he does a complicated diving somersault across the stage and comes up fake-shooting at Sam.
The song reaches its end - only a little more triumphantly than in the original version - and the audience explodes with cheers and applause. They grin at each other, flushed with success (with the exception of Finn, who still seems to be trying to figure out what’s going on) and camaraderie, totally willing to ignore the lecture they’re probably going to get from Mr. Schue.
It’s solidarity, and it’s fantastic.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It’s difficult to go from that exuberant high into Santana’s more sultry solo, (“This song’s still the same, right?” Finn snaps) but somehow they manage it. Rachel even finds it in herself to admit that it’s a good song for Santana’s voice, which she feels is quite big of her under the circumstances.
They retreat to the greenroom while the judges deliberate, bouncing and laughing as they go. Mr. Schue meets them on the stairs.
“I can’t believe you did that,” Mr. Schue says, sounding upset. “It was a wonderful number but you have to understand that you can’t just change things. It was disrespectful and irresponsible of you and - and - who did that choreography? It was terrific - but you’re not off the hook, and why didn’t you tell me?”
“You wouldn’t have - ow!” Santana says as Quinn subtly kicks her.
“Mr. Schue, if I may?” Rachel says stepping forward and putting on her most angelically determined expression. “As a club we felt we had taken some steps back from being the cohesive and supportive unit we'd become by the end of last year. We’ve been allowing minor considerations to come in the way of our friendships. We needed to do something that would bring us back together as a group, and as everyone knows nothing creates unity like banding together against a common enemy. I apologize for casting you in that light, but neither of the other teams at this stage of competition presented enough of a threat and it was necessary to reforge the group dynamic.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Finn demands. “That wasn’t cool!”
Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel can see the happy look slide off Kurt’s face, replaced by a wearily guarded sort of resignation.
“But Finn, your performance was much more believable this way,” Rachel says earnestly, and is gratified to see Kurt smothering a relieved laugh.
Mr Schue is also fighting a smile. “Well, I have to admit that it was very well done, guys. Kurt and Puck, you sounded terrific, and the rest of you looked like you were having a ball. If that number doesn’t clinch us the win, it’s because the judges weren’t watching.”
Everyone cheers. Victorious rebels or not, they’re still teenagers and adult approval is like the best chocolate ever.
“What about my solo?” Santana says, sounding sulky.
“Santana, it was on fire,” Mr. Schue says solemnly, and Santana smiles, gratified, and accepts a high-five from Brittany.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
They stand together on stage, nervously clutching hands as the Hipsters get third.
“First place goes to... The New Directions!” the announcer says, and everyone goes absolutely insane.
Somehow Rachel ends up next to Mr. Schue with the trophy (it’s completely accidental, honestly, but if she’s not going to get to sing she deserves to get something) and, for the first time in her life, finds she’d rather be in the group of jumping, screaming teammembers behind them instead of out front.
Then Puck grabs her in an enthusiastic headlock that’s probably supposed to be a hug only he doesn’t really know how, and she changes her mind.
Out of the corner of her eye, as she avoids getting hit in the face with one of Tina’s elbows, she sees Kurt’s soloist break away from the Warblers to give him a congratulatory hug, and smiles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EPILOGUE
“Rachel,” Kurt says to her a week later, after things have calmed down a bit and she and Finn have gotten back together and broken up again twice, “Did you have anything to do with Karofsky?”
“Ew, no,” Rachel says automatically. “Wait, in what way?”
“No, it’s just that he hasn’t been harassing me lately, and just now he took me aside - gently!” He adds as Rachel’s expression darkens. “And said he was sorry for everything he’d put me through and that he’d been working out some things in his head that he’d taken out on me. And then he gave me a coupon to Breadstix, which I think may have been his version of ‘I’m sorry’ cookies.”
“Wow,” Rachel says, honestly impressed. “We left Karofsky to Santana. I have to admit I’m actually not sure what she did, but I’m glad it worked. Um... did he have any obvious bruising?”
“No, which would have made a lot more sense, frankly,” Kurt says pensively. “Santana? Really?”
“We were as surprised as you are, but she seemed pretty confident.”
“That’s kind of frightening,” Kurt admits. “But I am glad it worked. Anyway...” He waves the Breadstix coupon temptingly. “Want to go out to dinner? Blaine and Mercedes are in.”
“Absolutely!” Rachel gushes, tucking her arm in his. “Tell me, have you sung a duet with him yet? Because I have some suggestions...”
Check out the missing scene: The Time Santana Took Charge And It Worked A Little Too Well. Crossposted to Archive Of Our Own.
RATING: PG-13 for language
SUMMARY: As co-captain of Glee and more importantly as its most talented member it is clearly up to Rachel to solve this Kurt situation.
CATEGORY: Gen, Rachel- and Kurt-centric
SPOILERS: Skips merrily down the AU path around about the middle of 'Furt' and refers to but doesn't spoil 'Special Education'.
DISCLAIMER: On a scale of One to Not Mine, these characters are Not Mine. They belong to a lot of terribly important and official people who work for big companies and get salaries and basically aren’t me. Suing me for copyright infringement would be pointless and unprofitable, I swear. A moose once bit my sister.
ETA: This story was brilliantly remixed by the incomparable littledust. You can find her funny, poignant re-imagining of it here: To Save The World (Tick Tock Remix).
The Time The Glee Club Tried Subtlety And Totally Rocked It
Kurt’s rendition of ‘Le Jazz Hot’ is amazing - unsurprising, considering he’s probably the best second-tier soprano New Directions has (Rachel herself is of course in a class of her own). He even hits the iconic high note at the end, which is nothing short of stunning. Julie Andrews would definitely have approved.
But there’s something... off about it that Rachel can’t quite put her finger on. The singing is fantastic, the costume is spot-on, even Kurt’s makeup is perfect.
Could it have been the backup dancers?
No, that isn’t it either...
“Something wrong, pumpkin?” Daddy asks, setting his spoon down long enough to reach over and tuck Rachel’s hair behind her ear.
“I’m having trouble dissecting one of my classmates’ songs,” Rachel says pensively. “By the numbers it was very well done, but there was something wrong with it that I can’t figure out. I’m worried it may become an issue at Sectionals.”
“Describe it, maybe we can help,” Papa suggests, sneaking an extra helping of ice cream while Daddy’s attention is diverted.
Rachel smiles a little and doesn’t rat him out. Daddy already stole some of Papa’s whipped cream, anyway. “Kurt did ‘Le Jazz Hot’ for his duet, and while - “
Daddy chokes on his water. “He did what?”
“‘Le Jazz Hot’,” Rachel says, feeling inexplicably defensive about it. “He did a very good job, Daddy. He even hit the high note.”
“No, no, I’m sure he did,” Daddy says, mopping up water with his napkin. “It’s just - “
“It took balls, sweetheart,” Papa says.
“Andrew, language!”
Papa rolls his eyes. “It took courage, sweetheart. I never would have done it.” He jabs his spoon in Daddy’s direction. “Remember your senior year, when you tried to organize a student trip to see Some Like It Hot at the Revival - “
“Yes, thank you, that’s enough,” Daddy says hurriedly. “Suffice it to say it didn’t go over well and I still have trouble cooking with tomato sauce.”
“Is that why we never have pasta?” Rachel asks, momentarily derailed.
Daddy shudders. “Anyway, that might be what was off to you about the performance.”
“Sheer terror is at odds with the tone of the song,” Papa says, nodding.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel spends the whole next day (when she isn’t performing, of course - those times are reserved for Finn) watching Kurt. He does look scared sometimes, generally while he’s out in the hallways which is a fairly normal state of being for a member of New Directions, but mostly...
He looks... sad. Lonely.
This will not do. Not only will it negatively impact the group dynamic, thus damaging their ability to emotionally connect to the music they perform at Sectionals, but Kurt is one of the original members and also kind of her friend and seeing him upset makes her feel bad.
When in doubt, Rachel turns to Barbra and Judy.
Singing with Kurt is fantastic. Their duet is perfect, technically and emotionally, although Kurt seems to connect more to the bittersweet parts of the song than to the message of joy in the face of adversity. It still works, and he seems a little more himself afterwards, and of course the audience loves it.
Rachel is very pleased with herself.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Somehow Rachel picks up the habit of keeping an eye on Kurt.
Not in a creepy stalker way, of course - Kurt’s gay and Rachel is in eternal love with Finn, hopefully until the end of high school. And she doesn’t do it all the time - they don’t really have many classes together, so mostly it’s during lunch and Glee that she finds herself checking Kurt over, gauging his reactions to things, and trying to figure out what his emotional state is.
Something changes after the boys-versus-girls competition, and it’s not good.
Suddenly she starts noticing things - first the weight loss, which is especially worrying when it comes with paler-than-normal skin tone and carefully concealed dark smudges under Kurt’s eyes. Then come the more subdued clothing choices, which, okay, Rachel has to take a moment to be proud of herself for noticing.
The final straw is the way he starts flinching at loud noises. Rachel carefully wears black the next day to school and spends as much time as she can between classes shadowing Kurt.
Before first period, one of the football players - Karofsky, she thinks - shoves him into the lockers. Rachel winces, because it was pretty hard shove, but doesn’t think too much of it because it’s not like getting bullied in the hallways is unusual for someone in the Glee club.
Then Karofsky does it again before second period.
And before third.
Rachel skips third-period English just so she can loiter outside Kurt’s chem class and casually be on hand to escort him to history. She knows she’s too small to be much of an obvious threat to someone like Karofsky, but as Daddy and Papa have both pointed out to her numerous times being short really just puts her in an advantageous striking position when it comes to boys.
The problem with that, of course, as Rachel finds out when Karofsky shoves Kurt from behind and they both go flying, is that she really needs to be facing her target to be effective. Also, it is immediately clear that merely the presence of another person will not protect Kurt from Karofsky.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Rachel delivers Kurt to the bemused but hopefully more effective care of Mike and Artie, and calls a meeting of Glee Girls With Football Boyfriends (GGWFB for short, although disappointingly no one else seems keen on the acronym). Quinn’s unexpected and inconvenient knowledge of feminism aside, everyone quickly realises the superior brilliance of Rachel’s plan and agrees that a show of force is the only option.
Mike and Artie volunteer to help immediately. Finn refuses. Rachel’s not entirely sure what to do with that.
The confrontation between the GFB (Glee Football Boys) and Karofsky happens in the boys’ locker room, and sadly Rachel is prohibited from being able to enjoy the drama of it all. She has to settle for the aftermath in the choir room, where it is no longer appropriate to clutch her hands dramatically to her throat and swoon at a climactic moment (Rachel’s never swooned before and the concrete floor of the locker room would probably make it inadvisable, but Elizabeth Taylor makes it look terribly glamorous and Rachel is a sucker for the classics).
Swooning would be more fun if Finn had been in the fight, anyway. Rachel hasn’t really been able to land on a firm stance in her head about that. She loves him, but that was really disappointing. It’s weird.
She pushes those considerations out of her mind and goes over to Kurt after Glee is over. He doesn’t seem to be overflowing with gratitude and safety after his rescue - he mostly just looks shaken.
“Kurt, are you okay?” Rachel asks, because if he’s going the gracefully tragic route then someone really has to play the sympathy role or it’s just going to get depressing.
“I’m...” Kurt struggles for a moment. “I’m... I don’t know.”
And now is the part where Rachel says something cheering and bracing that will make Kurt feel immediately better and maybe want to sing something like ‘Everything’s Coming Up Roses’. What comes out of her mouth is “My dads thought you were really brave to perform ‘Le Jazz Hot’,” which, okay, she can do supportive instead, supportive works.
“I was mostly just angry,” Kurt says. “But thank you.” He gives her a sideways look. “This whole fight thing - was this your idea?”
Rachel clears her throat, embarrassed. “Well. I didn’t intend on actual fisticuffs.”
“I don’t like that they got hurt because of me,” Kurt says, eyes fixed resolutely on the far wall. “But, um, it was... nice of you. I hadn’t thought anyone had noticed. So, thanks.”
“Of course,” Rachel says, a little too brightly because this really isn’t their usual dynamic and wow is it ever super awkward. “You have to be in top form for Sectionals, you know - if by some unimaginable catastrophe I am unable to perform I’ll need a decent understudy.”
That actually makes Kurt laugh a little. “Me singing a girl song in competition would probably give Mr. Schuester a stroke.”
“Well, by the time we’re in the competition he’s really become irrelevant, hasn’t he?” Rachel points out, grinning, and Kurt laughs harder. It’s a little bit hysterical, but Rachel can work with that.
“It’s good to see you laugh, Kurt. I guess there hasn’t been much to laugh about recently.”
Kurt sighs, surreptitiously wiping his eyes a little. “No, not much. I’m going to be teaching my dad and Finn how to waltz after school, though - it should be alternately horrific and hilarious, if you’d like to come.”
Rachel bounces in her seat. She does love to dance, and she definitely loves to share her considerable experience and knowledge, and a little part of her is just thrilled Kurt even asked her along. “Well, it would make for a more even pupil to teacher ratio. Would you like to use my basement? We have an excellent sound system.”
Kurt blinks, surprised. “Sure. We were going to use the choir room, but frankly the more time I can spend away from this place the better. You’re on.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Hi Daddy, hi Papa,” Rachel sings as she comes through the front door. “Is it okay if I have some people over tonight? Kurt needs to teach his dad and Finn how to dance for the wedding and I said I’d help and we could use the basement.”
“Sure, sweetheart,” Daddy says, not looking up from his crossword. “We have that thing with Susan tonight, but if you don’t mind playing hostess by yourself I don’t see a problem.”
“I’ll set out some snacks,” Papa says, heading for the kitchen. “Dancing is hard work if you’re doing it right.”
“Thank you!” Rachel calls after him. She plops herself down on the couch next to Daddy.
“‘Flat hat’, five letters - any ideas?” he asks.
“Beret, Daddy.”
“Brilliant,” Daddy says, kissing the top of her head. “How was your day?”
Rachel hums. “Eventful,” she says finally. “Some of the Glee guys tried to get the football team to back off of Kurt and they got in a fight.” She fidgets with the hem of her skirt. “Finn wouldn’t do it.”
Daddy puts down his puzzle. “Finn wouldn’t fight?”
“Well, it wasn’t supposed to be a fight,” Rachel explains, still a little guilty about this point. “They were just supposed to talk, but Finn wouldn’t go.”
“Too bad,” Papa says from the doorway. “With his size, he could probably take out a few guys just by tripping and falling on them.”
Rachel scowls. “He’s gotten a lot more coordinated, Papa.”
“He’s dating my baby. I don’t have to be nice,” Papa says loftily.
“You’re disappointed in him?” Daddy asks, getting back on track.
“I think so,” Rachel mumbles.
Daddy sighs. “Me too. It’s hard to go against what your friends think at that age, though.”
Rachel sits up, indignant. “We’re his friends, they’re just on a team with him. And besides, it isn’t that hard. In Glee we do things people don’t like all the time!”
Papa and Daddy are both smiling at her. “What?”
“I just get all proud of you sometimes,” Daddy says, mistily.
“I tell you what,” Papa adds. “You keep an eye on Kurt in case the jocks retaliate, and try having some talks with Finn in the meantime - explain why this is so important and maybe he’ll come around.”
Rachel mulls this over. “What if he still doesn’t agree?”
“Dump his ass,” Papa says cheerfully, ignoring Daddy’s “Language!”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel spends most of the dance lesson thinking, which is fine because Finn’s concentrating so hard he doesn’t seem to notice anyway. Across the room, Mr. Hummel seems to be picking up the steps a lot faster, which Rachel hastily attributes to latent ability and not the effectiveness of Kurt’s teaching style over hers.
Setting aside Finn’s issues for the moment - although she knows she’ll have to take some time later to sit down and write up a good monologue for herself - the problem with Karofsky is, unfortunately, still a problem. By escorting Kurt from class to class they’re really only delaying the inevitable showdown, although everyone in Glee has taken on their bodyguarding responsibilities with heartening enthusiasm (Brittany even made up a color-coded schedule which managed to be confusing, helpful, and disturbing all at the same time - Rachel’s putting that down to the kitten stickers that Brittany had very carefully given penciled-in nunchucks and semiautomatics).
The other issue is that Kurt knows how fragile his protection is - while she’s certain he sincerely appreciates it as a gesture, most of what they did by having that locker room fight was prove that Karofsky could beat up three Glee guys at once. Even by assigning a girl to each escort team to stand in front of Kurt so Karofsky can’t get to him without hitting her first (Puck’s idea, surprisingly) they’re taking a pretty big gamble.
Rachel absently congratulates Finn for going sixteen beats without stepping on her feet (ow) and tries to focus.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Rachel calls a Glee Girls meeting the next day during lunch, when Kurt can be surrounded by all of the Glee Guys simultaneously in a highly public place.
“Ladies,” she says, tapping her pointer on one hand. “I have called you here for a strategy session. We need to come up with a plan that will neutralize Karofsky.”
“Is that why you’re wearing an Army hat?” Tina asks warily.
“The hat makes it more serious,” Rachel says quellingly. It had been really hard to find one in her size, too. “The point is, we’re only delaying the inevitable. We need to find a way to solve this situation permanently.”
“My cat’s in the Mafia,” Brittany says. “We could use his Mob connections.”
“Um, we’ll call that Plan B, okay, Brittany?”
“I can take care of Karofsky,” Santana interrupts.
Rachel blinks because wow, that was easy. She even has a whole speech planned, which she wrote while listening to ‘Do You Hear The People Sing?’ on repeat. It’s quite stirring, if she does say so herself; maybe she can still work it into the conversation later. “Are you sure?”
“Absolutely,” Santana says. “While he’s been watching Kurt I’ve been watching him, and I’ve got a plan.”
Rachel trades nervous looks with Mercedes. While seduction is a classic strategy and Santana is undoubtedly a master of it (ew), she’d really been looking for something a little more... well. Satisfyingly violent. “Um, what are you going to do, exactly?”
“I’m going to use YouTube,” Santana says grimly. “I’m going to make him watch ‘It gets better’ videos until he cracks.”
“Oh.” Well, that was … unexpected.
“Do you really think that will work?” Quinn says skeptically.
“I’m also bringing a baseball bat,” Santana says with great satisfaction.
Yeah, okay, that will work. Rachel’s really regretting that ‘badass’ is the one role she's never been able to pull off convincingly because this plan has enormous dramatic potential.
Mercedes raises her hand. “We have another plan we need to make, too,” she says. “We need to do something really nice for Kurt. I mean, we’re protecting him now, but it’s been a long time coming and we really let him down.”
“I agree,” Rachel says. “We should have been watching each other’s backs like we did last year, not getting so wrapped up in - in trivialities. And...” she takes a deep breath. “I have a plan for that, too.”
It had come to her last night while she was doing her before-bed Barbra medley. She still can’t believe she’s going to say it out loud, but... it’s undeniably brilliant and under other circumstances would make for an outstanding final scene.
“There’s a reason I only called the Glee Girls together for this meeting, and that’s because we represent the entirety of the traditionally female soloists in Glee club.” Come on, come on, she can say it, she can say it...
“We need to arrange for Kurt to take lead at Sectionals.”
There. That had only been excruciatingly painful.
“Who are you and what have you done with Rachel?” Tina blurts, and then blushes. “Oh, that was my out-loud voice...”
“Mr. Schue’s never going to go for it,” Quinn says dismissively. “I mean, you’re right, it would be an incredible gesture and I agree that it would be appropriate, but we’re never going to get it past him.”
Rachel feels her heart sink. It’s so perfect. “If we all insisted - “
“No, Quinn’s right,” Mercedes says thoughtfully. “But you know what we do? We pull a last-minute switch.”
They all stare.
“Awesome,” Tina breathes. “That’s brilliant, we have to.”
“Mercedes, you genius,” Rachel says.
“It’s going to get complicated, though,” Mercedes warns. “Because I really think it would mean the most if it was our group duet piece, so it’s really clear that everyone's in on it and it’s a solidarity thing. We’re going to need to get the guys involved, too.”
Rachel bites her lip. That does make it more complicated, and unfortunately Mercedes’ sense of story construction is right on target. “It will probably be Finn who gets the male lead,” she says slowly. “I can talk to him and bring him on board.”
Maybe. Probably. She hopes. At least Kurt and Finn will sound good together oh God she can’t believe she’s giving this up...
Quinn raises one delicate hand. “One issue,” she says smoothly. “How do we guarantee that the girl who actually gets picked steps back for Kurt when it comes down to it?”
Oh. Everyone is looking at her quite steadily. And they have a point - letting go of the lead, on stage, in competition - and Kurt’s good, he really is, but Rachel knows she’s more talented -
She raises her chin. “If I back out,” she says, voice only quavering a little. “I give you permission to - to shave my head.”
The resulting gasp is quite satisfying.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mr. Schue picks Finn and Rachel for the duet, as expected, and assigns them ‘The Time of My Life’, which Kurt and Finn will sound good on and isn’t outrageously inappropriate in terms of lyrics as long as they play up the brotherly affection angle and maybe cut the ‘passion in our eyes’ line.
He picks Santana for the solo.
Rachel grips the sides of her chair so hard her fingers go numb and just barely manages to retain her composure. A little visible disappointment is okay because losing that solo would hurt under any circumstances but oh God she’s not going to get to sing. Not at all.
Well, in the background, but it’s not like that counts.
Under the circumstances - and to avoid the suddenly sympathetic eyes of the other girls in Glee - Rachel decides it’s totally valid to take five minutes in the girl’s bathroom to sob heart-wrenchingly before she goes to talk to Finn.
“Are you okay?” Finn asks as they walk outside. “You eyes are kind of red.”
“Allergies,” Rachel says.
“Oh!” Finn’s expression clears immediately. “Those totally suck. I’m allergic to strawberries, I get all itchy and then I have diarrhea. Um. But not often.”
“Ah,” Rachel says, making a mental note.
“Are you upset about the solo?” Finn asks.
“No, not really,” Rachel says, faking a smile because she’s not going to be able to accommodate more tears until she gets home and has a chance to re-hydrate. “It’s nice to include the others from time to time.”
“Right, yeah,” Finn says, nodding.
“Finn, have you ever considered doing a song with Kurt? Your voices would work really well together.”
“What, in front of people?” Finn says, eyes bugging unattractively. “No - I mean, yeah, he’s got a good voice, but it would be weird.”
“You danced with him at the wedding,” Rachel points out. There’s an odd feeling in her stomach, kind of hot and sick and angry and disappointed all at the same time.
“Well, yeah, and I meant what I said in the speech, too, but singing’s different, you know? I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Finn, I don’t want a ride home today. I’m going to walk.”
“Are you mad at me?” Finn asks, uncertainly.
“No,” Rachel forces herself to say, because she’s going to have to fake-practice their duet until Sectionals and if she blows up now she'll have to fake-reconcile too. “I just want the exercise. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
She allows herself precisely thirty seconds of hyperventilation after she turns the corner and Finn’s out of sight, and then she calls Mercedes.
“It just got a whole lot more complicated,” she says, sadly aware that her voice has a hysterical tinge to it. “Finn’s not going to do the song. I mean, I can force him into it, but he’ll be awkward and uncomfortable and the audience will pick up on it and so will Kurt and frankly there’s a very high possibility that right before the performance he’ll just cave under the societal pressure and back out completely!”
“Breathe, girl,” Mercedes says, and her commanding tone does make Rachel stop and attempt to acquire oxygen. “Okay, so we’ll just have to find another guy. We can lock Finn in a closet or something when the time comes.”
“Okay. Okay,” Rachel says. “It’s not quite the appearance of unity I was hoping for and we’ll have to find some way to get him onstage partway through so we still have twelve members but I’m sure with some coaching one of the other guys can pull off - “
She stops. 'The Time Of My Life' was an unsuitable song choice from the beginning.
“Mercedes,” she says, voice trembling with the insanity of the idea she’s about to suggest. “I have an idea.”
“We’re not just going to replace the lead. We’re going to replace the whole damn song.”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It’s ridiculous. It’s possibly suicidal.
Absolutely everyone is on board.
Rachel picks Puck as the easiest to convince, and once she points out the rebellious aspect and implies that he’s the only guy in Glee badass enough to sing a surprise duet with Kurt in competition he’s all for it. She stays up all night trying to find a song that will incorporate Kurt’s soaring soprano, Puck’s rock and roll, and the rest of the club in a way that won’t be jarring, and finally goes with ‘Four Minutes’ which they’ve technically sort of already performed but at least Kurt already knows it and - she will never admit to this out loud because she is a Broadway girl thank you very much - because the line only got four minutes to change the world gives her chills, considering the circumstances.
Brittany and Mike choreograph the number. Impromptu guerrilla dance practices spring up all over school as everyone tries to learn the secret song while keeping up an appearance of competence at the one Kurt, Finn, and Mr. Schue think they’re actually going to do.The costuming and set issues are solved when Artie has the brilliant idea that if everyone on stage puts on shades at the start of the number then it doesn’t matter what their clothing or surroundings look like because sunglasses indoors are a universally-recognized symbol and they’ll automatically all become secret agents under cover.
Mercedes, Tina, and Brittany covertly get Kurt up to speed on the lyrics and the choreography by inventing a cousin of Tina’s who wants them to perform it at a (fictional) mid-year college graduation party. Mercedes reports that Kurt doesn’t seem entirely convinced by their cover story and is a little bemused by their insistence on practicing it so much just before Sectionals and giving him more than his share of the song to sing, but certainly doesn’t suspect their real motivation.
Rachel isn’t sure when keeping the plan a secret from Kurt became A Thing, but she thinks it’s perfect. The look on his face is going to be delicious and it will keep him from stressing, which is really a kindness.
Sectionals arrives before she knows it. Rachel’s so nervous that she actually starts biting her nails in the greenroom, which is something she hasn’t done since she won her first talent show.
As they’re going in to the auditorium to watch the other groups perform, she grabs Finn’s hand.
“Finn, can you come with me? I have something I really need to talk to you about.”
Finn frowns. “Sure, but wouldn’t it be better later?”
“No,” Rachel says, tugging his hand insistently. “It has to be now.”
She leads him around past the concession stand and pushes him into an unused cloakroom, which Sam and Quinn had found and unlocked earlier (she’s not sure exactly how, and thinks it’s probably best she doesn’t ask. Sam muttered something about Quinn being handy with a nail file, which after some consideration Rachel realised would make a pretty decent shiv).
“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Finn says worriedly. “I mean, we’ve stayed away from hot tubs.”
“What?” Rachel says, because what? “No, that’s not it. Look, I just want to ask you something.” She takes a deep breath. It’s now or never - she has to delay him for their plan to work, and more importantly, she has to know. “Does Kurt make you uncomfortable because he’s gay?”
“I like Kurt,” Finn says defensively. “He’s my brother. Like, actually.”
“You didn’t want to sing with him.”
“No, I just...” Finn shuffles his feet and tries to look anywhere but at her. “I’d like to think that because we’re brothers now nobody would say anything, but you know they would. And I’m not. That.”
“Gay,” Rachel says sadly. “You can’t even say it.”
“It’s not that, I can so say it. I just don’t want to say it wrong,” Finn protests.
Rachel honestly actually feels her heart miss a beat. “How is wrong? Queer? Fag?”
“Don’t say that,” Finn says quickly. “Look, I didn’t know, okay? I didn’t think about how he’d take it. But I know not to say it now, all right? I apologized and everything and we’re cool now. I’m just trying not to mess up again.”
Rachel breathes shakily. “Does it make you uncomfortable to be around my dads?”
“No?” Finn says uncertainly. “Look, Rachel I can see why this bothers you, but you have to understand how it is for a guy. Kurt had this huge crush on me and it was super awkward but that’s not the same as with your dads.”
Maybe, maybe I can still work with this, Rachel thinks desperately. Maybe I can teach him. “What about the speech you made at the wedding? You said you’d have his back no matter what.”
“Well, yeah, and I do mean it - if there’s a fight or something I’m totally there, it’s just that those are. Um.” He grimaces, but goes ahead and says it anyway. “Kind of more manly.”
No.
“Finn, I’m sorry about this,” Rachel says, and actually mostly means it. There are a lot of good things about Finn and he’s right, he does honestly try to fix it when he messes up.
It’s just too bad that his learning curve is so disastrous for everyone else.
“Sorry about what?” Finn asks.
“I’m switching to Team Kurt,” Rachel says, and the next moment she’s out the door and slamming it shut behind her. A moment’s work with the door stopper Quinn and Sam left behind and Finn is safely out of the way.
She makes it to the auditorium just as the Warblers are finishing up a semi-decent rendition of ‘Soul Sister’ (the soloist, that’s Kurt’s secret not-boyfriend, right? She hopes so, their voices will go together well when they reach the duet stage of their relationship) and the New Directions are taking their places in the wings. Rachel waits until the Warblers are off and the curtains have closed, and then makes her way to where Kurt will be.
“Rachel?” His eyebrows shoot up when he notices her in the backstage gloom. “What are you doing back here? You’re supposed to be at the back with Finn!”
“Change of plans,” Rachel says briskly. “We’re hijacking the performance. You’re doing ‘Four Minutes’ with Puck. Artie’s taking the Timbaland parts, it’s the choreography you learned for Tina’s fictional cousin’s fictional graduation party, um... am I forgetting anything?”
“What? Fictional? Wait, you’re giving up the lead?”
Okay, fine, he would get stuck on that point -
And for a moment she nearly doesn’t go through with it. She feels shaky and terrible after the conversation with Finn and ‘Four Minutes’ isn’t traditionally a heartbroken ballad but she’s talented enough to make it work, performing always makes her feel better...
In the shadows behind Kurt, Mercedes makes threatening scissor motions with her fingers.
“If I don’t Mercedes is going to shave my head,” she says with complete solemnity. She shoves a pair of shades on Kurt’s face, wraps his stunned fingers around the microphone, hisses “Go out there and make Mr. Schue have kittens,” and pushes him hard in the back just as the opening strains of music come through the speakers.
It doesn’t make for the most dignified entrance in the history of theater, but at least it happens.
She listens long enough to hear Artie start the song and see everyone slip onstage from the wings, and then she sneaks back out through the audience (where Mr. Schue does, in fact, look like he’s having some kind of fit).
She can hear Finn banging on the door as she comes down the corridor. He’s flushed and red faced when she opens the door.
“Rachel, what the hell - “
“Sorry,” Rachel says, not feeling very. “There was a master plan, it was a whole thing. Come on or you’re going to miss our cue.”
“What?” Finn says blankly.
“Well, here’s the thing,” Rachel says calmly as she leads him around to the stage entrance. Inside she thinks she may be having hysterics of some sort, but on the outside she’s still got her show face. “You are a generally nice boy, but I think there are some philosophical issues we need to work out before I can date you again. Oh,” she adds, because Finn probably did miss this point, “What I said before about being on Team Kurt? That was me breaking up with you. Sorry. I can see how it might have been unclear - it wasn’t my best line because it implies that I'm dating Kurt now which I'm not but I kind of panicked. Anyway, we need to get on stage if you want to have any chance of establishing a mutually satisfactory brotherly relationship and also prevent us from being disqualified.”
“I’m really confused,” Finn says plaintively.
“It’s okay, just follow my lead,” Rachel says, then slips on her shades and times dragging him out on stage with the grab a boy, grab a girl line.
Mike and Brittany, being the relative geniuses (geniusi?) that they are, actually built the choreography around Finn not knowing what to do. Finn stumbles out, noticeable for being bewildered, uncoordinated, and the only one on stage without sunglasses, and is immediately incorporated into the flow of the dance. Brittany of all people had come up with the idea that there could be a non-spy in the mix that the others could hide behind and push around and Finn, unwittingly, plays his part to perfection. From what Rachel can see against the glare of the stage lights as she strikes a Charlie’s Angels pose with Tina and Mercedes, a good portion of the audience is on their feet and not in a way that suggests they’re trying to leave, and she can hear laughter as Artie and Quinn play a cat-and-mouse game around Finn and he whirls in place, trying to figure out what they’re up to.
At the front of the stage, Kurt and Puck are egging each other on. Their voices sound amazing together and they look like they’re having a blast. Rachel only feels a tiny twinge of regret that it isn’t (won’t be) her and Finn, and then pretends to cover Mike as he does a complicated diving somersault across the stage and comes up fake-shooting at Sam.
The song reaches its end - only a little more triumphantly than in the original version - and the audience explodes with cheers and applause. They grin at each other, flushed with success (with the exception of Finn, who still seems to be trying to figure out what’s going on) and camaraderie, totally willing to ignore the lecture they’re probably going to get from Mr. Schue.
It’s solidarity, and it’s fantastic.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It’s difficult to go from that exuberant high into Santana’s more sultry solo, (“This song’s still the same, right?” Finn snaps) but somehow they manage it. Rachel even finds it in herself to admit that it’s a good song for Santana’s voice, which she feels is quite big of her under the circumstances.
They retreat to the greenroom while the judges deliberate, bouncing and laughing as they go. Mr. Schue meets them on the stairs.
“I can’t believe you did that,” Mr. Schue says, sounding upset. “It was a wonderful number but you have to understand that you can’t just change things. It was disrespectful and irresponsible of you and - and - who did that choreography? It was terrific - but you’re not off the hook, and why didn’t you tell me?”
“You wouldn’t have - ow!” Santana says as Quinn subtly kicks her.
“Mr. Schue, if I may?” Rachel says stepping forward and putting on her most angelically determined expression. “As a club we felt we had taken some steps back from being the cohesive and supportive unit we'd become by the end of last year. We’ve been allowing minor considerations to come in the way of our friendships. We needed to do something that would bring us back together as a group, and as everyone knows nothing creates unity like banding together against a common enemy. I apologize for casting you in that light, but neither of the other teams at this stage of competition presented enough of a threat and it was necessary to reforge the group dynamic.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Finn demands. “That wasn’t cool!”
Out of the corner of her eye, Rachel can see the happy look slide off Kurt’s face, replaced by a wearily guarded sort of resignation.
“But Finn, your performance was much more believable this way,” Rachel says earnestly, and is gratified to see Kurt smothering a relieved laugh.
Mr Schue is also fighting a smile. “Well, I have to admit that it was very well done, guys. Kurt and Puck, you sounded terrific, and the rest of you looked like you were having a ball. If that number doesn’t clinch us the win, it’s because the judges weren’t watching.”
Everyone cheers. Victorious rebels or not, they’re still teenagers and adult approval is like the best chocolate ever.
“What about my solo?” Santana says, sounding sulky.
“Santana, it was on fire,” Mr. Schue says solemnly, and Santana smiles, gratified, and accepts a high-five from Brittany.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
They stand together on stage, nervously clutching hands as the Hipsters get third.
“First place goes to... The New Directions!” the announcer says, and everyone goes absolutely insane.
Somehow Rachel ends up next to Mr. Schue with the trophy (it’s completely accidental, honestly, but if she’s not going to get to sing she deserves to get something) and, for the first time in her life, finds she’d rather be in the group of jumping, screaming teammembers behind them instead of out front.
Then Puck grabs her in an enthusiastic headlock that’s probably supposed to be a hug only he doesn’t really know how, and she changes her mind.
Out of the corner of her eye, as she avoids getting hit in the face with one of Tina’s elbows, she sees Kurt’s soloist break away from the Warblers to give him a congratulatory hug, and smiles.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EPILOGUE
“Rachel,” Kurt says to her a week later, after things have calmed down a bit and she and Finn have gotten back together and broken up again twice, “Did you have anything to do with Karofsky?”
“Ew, no,” Rachel says automatically. “Wait, in what way?”
“No, it’s just that he hasn’t been harassing me lately, and just now he took me aside - gently!” He adds as Rachel’s expression darkens. “And said he was sorry for everything he’d put me through and that he’d been working out some things in his head that he’d taken out on me. And then he gave me a coupon to Breadstix, which I think may have been his version of ‘I’m sorry’ cookies.”
“Wow,” Rachel says, honestly impressed. “We left Karofsky to Santana. I have to admit I’m actually not sure what she did, but I’m glad it worked. Um... did he have any obvious bruising?”
“No, which would have made a lot more sense, frankly,” Kurt says pensively. “Santana? Really?”
“We were as surprised as you are, but she seemed pretty confident.”
“That’s kind of frightening,” Kurt admits. “But I am glad it worked. Anyway...” He waves the Breadstix coupon temptingly. “Want to go out to dinner? Blaine and Mercedes are in.”
“Absolutely!” Rachel gushes, tucking her arm in his. “Tell me, have you sung a duet with him yet? Because I have some suggestions...”
Check out the missing scene: The Time Santana Took Charge And It Worked A Little Too Well. Crossposted to Archive Of Our Own.