{infinite; woohyun/sunggyu} vertigo (ii)
Title: vertigo, part ii/ii
part one
[3] ❝Please take away my last breath.❞
Groaning, Woohyun flings his forearm over his eyes to block the harsh stab of sunlight that pulses all the way to his brain. After he recovers, he’s going to go hunt down the person that has armed the creatures swarming inside his head with drumsticks, because the vindictive monsters are beating heartlessly upon the insides of his skull with no rhythm or pattern. The non-stop throbbing is already driving him crazy.
“Finally, you’re awake,” a voice tuts.
“Key, you motherfucker.” Speaking causes an excruciating spike of pain, but he needs to communicate just how horrible his roommate is for wrecking this havoc upon him. Every bone hurts down to the marrow, a terrible, penetrating ache that is duplicated in his muscles.
Said roommate rolls his eyes, Woohyun is sure of it even without opening his own. “You’re such a lightweight, Woohyun. I can’t believe how smashed you were.”
“It’s been a while, that’s all,” Woohyun mutters. He hasn’t missed hangovers, that’s for sure. If his head didn’t hurt so much, maybe he could go get something to settle his nausea. He needs liquids and carbs. “Do you have water?”
“Here.” Key hands him a bottle of water, already opened.
Woohyun raises it to his lips and takes a tentative sip, but his stomach churns and Key just barely gets the trash can in time for Woohyun to throw up into it violently, and spill water all over the carpeted floor as well.
Key makes a sound of indignation, fussing, “That’ll take forever to dry.” He steps delicately over the wet part when he helps Woohyun to the bathroom, which has never felt farther. Woohyun’s painfully heavy body shrieks in protest with each step, as well as on the way back after rinsing out his now-bitter mouth. He turns his head, neck cricking, to stare down Key. “How are you like this?”
“Like what?” Key asks with a smile. “I’m just really good at holding my alcohol and knowing my limits, unlike you! By the way, you almost ruined Jjong’s car on the way back and he is not happy with you.”
Woohyun lays back limply on his bed with a moan. He feels even worse now. “I really don’t give a shit.”
Key scowls at him, but his maternal side wins out over the stubborn one and he reaches out a hand to help when Woohyun suddenly tries to heave himself upright. “Pass me my phone, I need to call Sunggyu to tell him that I can’t make it for lunch,” Woohyun says, trying to ignore how his vision swirls.
“It’s in your jeans pocket,” Key points out, sitting down at the foot of his bed once he can see Woohyun is all right on his own.
Woohyun manages to wriggle the cell phone out of his back pocket with difficulty, his fingers thick and clumsy. The bright screen hurts his eyes but he holds it to his ear with the support of his pillow as it rings, once, twice.
“Hello?”
Sunggyu’s voice is soft among the clutter of the cafe in the background. Woohyun squeezes his eyes shut and says, “It’s me. Woohyun.”
“Woohyun? What is it, aren’t we...going to see each other soon anyways?”
He doesn’t have the heart to tell him they can’t when he wants to see Sunggyu so badly himself. “Y-Yeah. I just--”
“Are you feeling better now?”
“...Yes?” Woohyun blinks in confusion. Was he feeling bad earlier before with Sunggyu? It’s not like Sunggyu knew he went clubbing the night before. “I’ll see you in a few, hyung.”
❧
Coffee and croissants will undoubtedly make him throw up again, but Woohyun pushes the door of the cafe open and tugs off his hood. Sunggyu is bent over his laptop, such a familiar sight it puts Woohyun at ease for a heartbeat as he crosses the bustling shop. He is sipping his drink when Woohyun collapses into his seat across from him. “Hey.”
“How are you?” Sunggyu asks, glancing up from what must be the paper he told Woohyun about the day before. Yesterday seems weeks rather than hours ago, split by the world of alcohol and club music.
Woohyun appraises him in confusion. Wrapped in another of his thick, winter scarves, Sunggyu looks slightly weary but concentrated on his work. Nothing is different, yet everything feels off-kilter. “I’m okay. Why do you keep asking me that?”
“You’re not hungover?”
He knows.
Woohyun suppresses the urge to bolt from his chair, fingers digging into the ungiving wood. Panic and humiliation and apprehension aren’t emotions he’s used to when he’s with Sunggyu, and he hates their presence already. Sunggyu isn’t supposed to know this side of him. Sunggyu isn’t supposed to know about the reckless, stupid teenager he becomes when someone offers him a drink. Ever since they’ve become friends, Woohyun has quieted down so much to try and fit Sunggyu’s calmness that the shame he feels when he looks back is overpowering. How can he possibly match someone so composed and brilliant when he’s such a mess? “What do you mean?”
Maybe he’s imagining it, but Sunggyu seems to focus carefully on not meeting his eyes when he speaks again. “When you called me last night, you weren’t sober, were you.”
“I...called you last night?” Woohyun says blankly. He pulls out his phone again to check, finding a recent call to Sunggyu at 1:48AM that he definitely doesn’t remember making. “Did... Did I say something...?”
Sunggyu purses his lips and takes another sip of his coffee.
When the silence stretches so thin Woohyun thinks he just might go ahead and lunge across the table to grasp the worn collar of Sunggyu’s coat and make him look, please look at me in the eyes, he speaks again. “Hyung. What happened?”
Sunggyu’s fingers stop over the keyboard, before the gentle patter of typing begins again. “Woohyun? You know how people say drunk words are sober thoughts?”
“What do you mean?” Woohyun asks, struggling against the urge to run away before something falls apart. He can feel it, the delicate cracks spindling their way across the bonds fate melded between them.
“Woohyun...” Sunggyu closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. Unconsciously, Woohyun bites down on the inside of his mouth, abruptly afraid. “Do you love me?”
The chair legs screech sharply against the tiled floor, slicing through the cafe’s murmur of sound so loudly it’s surprising no one twists around to look. Woohyun stands on reflex, his mouth flooding with the metal taste of blood when his teeth cut through the skin. He pauses, time suspended around him, his wide eyes fixed on the bent head of the boy sitting before him. Wildly, he grasps for the right words to save him in this situation--“yes,” “no,” “of course,” “what the hell are you talking about,” “I’ve been in love with you since the start”--but Sunggyu still refuses to look at him and confidence has never been Woohyun’s strong point.
So he bolts.
❧
“What!?” Key shouts, jumping up from his bed.
“I just left!” Woohyun moans, pulling his blankets over his head to escape Key’s accusing glare. “My brain blanked and I didn’t know what to say and he didn’t say anything and--and--”
Key throws a pillow at approximately where Woohyun’s head is; unsurprisingly, his aim is perfect. Woohyun counts himself lucky it wasn’t the textbook on the bedside table. “Why didn’t you confess your undying love! Woohyun, this was your chance and you blew it!”
Without a proper comeback, Woohyun groans again and tugs the blankets tighter around him. “I’m never going to able to face him again.”
This time, it is Key’s textbook, jutting sharply into his back. “What do you mean?” Key demands, his voice closer. “You can’t going to hide from him forever, you know.”
“Who says?” Woohyun sulks. There’s no way he can look Sunggyu in the face properly anymore. The humiliation of how he left earlier, as well as the lingering effects of his hangover, has him on the brink of throwing up again. It’s best if he stays like this, bundled so far into his blankets that no one will ever see him again.
“Woohyun, you have to stop doing this to yourself,” Key says softly. His hand is warm on Woohyun’s back. “What’s the point of keeping your feelings a secret from Sunggyu?”
“So I can be unrequited and sad but not rejected and hurt. I could ruin everything.”
“You’re not going to stay by his side like that anymore though, are you?” Woohyun shifts, about to object, but Key talks over him, “Before, I guess it was okay to keep quiet since you guys were friends and all, but now you’re going to hide from him, right? I know you. You’re going to avoid him but miss him so much at the same time. That’s stupid, Woohyun.”
“I’m not brave like you,” Woohyun whispers. “I can’t do what you did with Jonghyun.”
“You’re missing the point! It doesn’t matter just how much Jjong liked me, it was the fact that I stepped up to let him know I felt the same way instead of refusing to acknowledge my feelings. And with the way you and Sunggyu are always together, I wouldn’t be surprised if he likes you. I told you this before! And your drunkenness already ruined everything, what do you have to lose?” Key sighs heavily, and Woohyun feels bad yet again for being the way he is. Everything would be easier if he were confident, if he were strong.
“I can’t do it, I can’t,” says Woohyun helplessly. He’s never confessed to anyone his life; in high school, all of the girls he ever dated went to him first, and he only went out with people for something to do. With so much emotion and significance on the line with Sunggyu, everything is different. And to be honest, Woohyun doesn’t believe in his own worth enough to have the self-confidence needed to make this work. He’s always gone through life easily, detachedly, without anyone to value or fight for--not for his family, his friends, and especially not himself.
“You will,” Key predicts, going back to his bed and crossing his legs. “You’ll miss him, and desperate people do desperate things.”
❧
It only takes a few weeks before Key’s words prove themselves true.
Woohyun never quite realized just how much time he spent with Sunggyu until a knife cleanly carved Sunggyu out of his life. He hides in his room more, under Key’s disapproving stare, and aces every test with the way he studies. He can’t resist playing the music Sunggyu gave him towards the beginning of their friendship, to the point that both he and Key know all of the lyrics to Afterglow by heart. It’s the umpteenth time the song replays and how he feels like crying because of the lyrics that makes Woohyun realize just how useless he is. Key’s snarky suggestions to take up knitting and writing poetry aside, Woohyun decides to put in extra hours for Intermediate Choir instead. Professor Kyungsun adores him by now, and he makes closer friends. If Key isn’t around and Woohyun is too hungry to skip a meal, he eats with people in the cafeteria.
Sohn Dongwoon from Vocal and Instrumental is the first to welcome him--“Hey, you! You’re Key’s roommate right? D’you want to eat with us?”--but soon the others, Jinwoon and Nicole and Mir, welcome him into their group with an ease that amazes Woohyun. They’re willing to talk about everything, and there’s enough outgoing personality to go around that makes sure the conversation never ceases. They tease each other but praise each other in the same breath, always touching and laughing. Whether it’s Jinwoon and his relentless grin, Nicole’s bright laughter, or Mir’s odd antics, Woohyun can let go and feel comfortable with Dongwoon’s arm around his shoulders or Mir sprawled over his lap. Sometimes Nicole’s friend, Hara, stops by, but the sly digs about her boyfriend from Jinwoon and Dongwoon have her pouting and sauntering off again.
Yet, with all the fun he has with the group, they’re not the same. They make him crave Sunggyu’s company even more, to wind down after joking around and just relax in each other’s presence. Dongwoon and the other first years can’t give him that, Key can’t give him that, and he ends up missing Sunggyu even more than before.
Professor tries to get him to come to office hour every time he sees him; Woohyun automatically remembers Sunggyu’s soft voice from when they first met, and plasters on a smile when he refuses.
❧
Dongwoon invites him over to study together two weeks before year-end finals week. The invitation surprises Woohyun; first, because he didn’t expect someone to reach out to him, and second because of all the time that has passed. The months between when he crammed over breakfast with Sunggyu and now feel like a mere heartbeat, and he feels a jolt of sadness when he realizes his friendship with Sunggyu didn’t even last half a year. They won’t be studying together this time around.
When Dongwoon’s roommate, a boy who’s muscled build--one so impressive Woohyun is jealous despite his own body--clashes with his eye-crinkling smile, opens the door for him, the first thing Woohyun takes in is the mess. Clothes are piled everywhere, to the point chairs cannot be used for sitting, and snack wrappers and empty Coke bottles litter any available surface. Key always keeps their room clean, and when he doesn’t, Woohyun automatically tidies up anything; for Dongwoon and his roommate, it’s evident no one here minds living in a dump.
He picks up some trash and throws it away without consciously deciding to, putting down his binder so he can retrieve the trash can and clean up properly. “Ah, Gikwang, I think we’ll actually see the floor if we keep Woohyun around long enough,” Dongwoon says in delight.
Gikwang laughs, throwing his head back. “But it’s your turn to clean this week!” He helps Woohyun though, picking up his own clothes and tossing Dongwoon’s over his body. The other boy lets out a whine of protest, wriggling on the bed, and Gikwang laughs again when the clothes fall onto the ground again. Their camaraderie is gentle and mellow, and Woohyun can’t help but watch when Dongwoon reaches out to catch the edge of Gikwang’s wifebeater when Gikwang passes by on the way to the closet. He feels almost intrusive when Dongwoon smiles up at Gikwang, and he’s certain that there’s something going on between them. Whether it’s just Dongwoon, or something mutual, he can’t be sure. (If he knew, he’d probably be able to tell what he and Sunggyu were as well.)
Because of his courses in both Vocal Music and Dance Performance, Gikwang studies with the two of them for a while before he leaves to meet a friend. Fine arts universities give finals different from the structured, stiff tests Woohyun suffered through in high school, and he likes it this way. He and Dongwoon and Gikwang turn it into a party of sorts, singing increasingly louder and louder until they flop over onto Dongwoon’s bed and laugh until their voices subside into gasps.
Only, it’s until Woohyun gets back to his room and runs the segment through, letting the music seep into his chest and reverberate through his voice, does he realize something. No matter how fun that study session with Dongwoon was, he still doesn’t know whether there are places he could improve in. He can’t find the places where he makes mistakes but has heard so many times that it sounds right. Key can’t give him real advice, it’s too late to find any of his choir friends, and his usual critic is unavailable.
Woohyun falls back onto his bed and sighs.
[4] ❝And when the bottle breaks...❞
Life continues at an alarming pace, and Woohyun frets more with each final he finishes. He’s so stressed that he manages to sleep approximately two hours a night, barely finds time to eat properly, and even plows over a third-year on the way back to his dorm after his music theory final. It’s quite a feat, he realizes once he pulls the guy back up onto his feet and has to take a step back. He’s probably a dancer, with a strong build like that; if he weren’t at this school, Woohyun would peg him as someone who played sports. “I’m so sorry!” he gasps, raking a hand through his hair.
“Hey, man, it’s okay!” he says, grinning; Woohyun recognizes him as one of the people who greet Dongwoon at lunch. Evidently, he is recognized as well as the guy stares him in the face thoughtfully. “Wait, I know you! Dongwoon’s friend, right?” When Woohyun nods and introduces himself, he slings an arm over Woohyun’s shoulders naturally and asks, “What’s the rush?”
Woohyun fails to suppress a sigh. “Finals, of course. I have to practice my piece for my vocal final, so I wanted to go back to my room for my music player.” He should’ve brought it with him to class, but it slipped his mind on the way out and he had nothing else with the instrumental he needed. Usually, he’s not so forgetful, but he can barely haul himself out of bed and into the shower in the morning these days.
“You have it last, right? I’m Yoon Doojoon, by the way.” They start walking again, toward the dorms, and Woohyun decides not to question why Doojoon has adopted him as his underclassman so quickly. It’s just like Dongwoon to make friends with people as touchy and invasive as he is, as he quickly learned with Key and Mir.
“Yeah, it’s tomorrow. I’m running out of time and I need proper criticism for it, not just practice,” worries Woohyun. He decides to take the stairs up to his room, seeing as the elevator is taken and he hasn’t had the time to work out properly lately.
Doojoon follows him easily. “Don’t you know about Kyungsun’s office hour? My boyfriend, Yoseob, goes there often to sing and hang out. The few times he dragged me there with him were fun but productive, you know?”
“I know about it,” Woohyun says shortly. His tone quiets Doojoon until they get to Woohyun’s room. Key isn’t there, probably down in the dance wing to practice as well, and Doojoon sits on his bed as Woohyun collects his music player and its charger.
“Where are you going?” asks Doojoon curiously as Woohyun puts both items into his bag and zips it up before disappearing into the bathroom.
“Probably one of the practice rooms open?” Woohyun calls to him. He already claimed the empty one at the end of the hall as his, letting his voice echo in the protection of sound-proof walls. More than once, Key has threatened to kick him out of their room for singing too loudly, as if the pulsing beats of dance music haven’t disturbed Woohyun’s studying before.
“Alone?” Doojoon says incredulously. “Does it help? What if you’re just practicing your flaws over and over?”
Woohyun knows this. “I’m not going to office hour, hyung.”
“But why?”
When Woohyun refuses to answer again, Doojoon stops him from leaving and manages to wheedle the truth out of him. Everything comes spilling out, from his decision to commit suicide to meeting Sunggyu and falling in love for him, but screwing everything up with one drunk phone call up until their last conversation weeks and weeks ago. “I can’t go to office hour, I can’t see him ever again,” he finishes weakly, collapsing onto the bed beside Doojoon. “I don’t know what I could possibly do to fix this.”
Doojoon offers him a smile, deciding to meddle. “It’ll be okay, Woohyun. It will!”
“How could you possibly know?” Woohyun groans.
❧
Even when he’s busy texting someone, Doojoon refuses to let Woohyun leave. He’s never been held under house arrest in his own room, but Woohyun gives in anyways and takes a much-needed nap while Doojoon taps away on his phone with a smirk on his face.
He wakes Woohyun up as the sky begins to darken by turning on the light. “Hyung?” Woohyun asks sleepily. “How long did I sleep?”
“No matter!” Doojoon says, brandishing his cell phone victoriously at him. “You are going to office hour in twenty minutes anyways!”
Woohyun sits up, glaring. “I already told you, I can’t! What, did I waste my breath and time earlier? I could’ve practiced, you know.” He heaves a sigh, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He should’ve realized practice was more important.
“No, no, you can, look!” Doojoon insists. Woohyun accepts the phone and studies the screen, his eyes squinted in the artificial light. He reads the conversation slowly, then once more just to check if the words haven’t changed since he first looked at them.
“Sunggyu seriously won’t be at office hour tonight?”
“Nope!” Doojoon confirms cheerily. “Yoseob says he has something else to do tonight, so you might as well seize the opportunity for help, right? I’m sure Seobbie will help you with your singing.”
Woohyun gets to his feet, stretches the kinks out of his back. “I guess I’ll go then. If Sunggyu won’t be there. Thanks, Doojoon! You can let yourself out.”
He gathers his things quickly and disappears out the door, and Doojoon lays back on the bed in satisfaction at his plot. Whatever happens, he reasons, it'll be better than the never-ending standstill between Woohyun and Sunggyu now.
The path to Professor Kyungsun’s classroom is one Woohyun has taken many times before, but never at this time in day. It’s chilly with the sun almost done setting, and he shivers when the wind picks up, speeding up and cursing himself for forgetting a jacket in his eagerness to leave. As always, the vocal wing is well-lit, and Woohyun slips inside with relief. Though he regrets he and Sunggyu aren’t on good terms, going to office hour for the first time is something he has always looked forward to.
Second door on the right, Woohyun quietly turns the doorknob and pushes the heavy door open to find people chatting, singing, and laughing. He doesn’t have the moment to take everything in this busy atmosphere in, however, because his eyes land on a bent head in the middle of the room that lifts up to see the new arrival.
Doojoon lied.
Before Woohyun can turn around and leave, a boy with a surprisingly round face for his age and a cheery, dimpling smile bounds forward to seize his arm. “Woohyun, right?” he is asked.
“Y-Yeah,” he chokes out. He can’t tear his eyes away from Sunggyu’s, shocked by a coldness he has never seen before in the kind boy. Sunggyu isn’t dressed for the warm season, broad shoulders accented by his dark sweater, and it feels like it has been an eternity since Woohyun has laid eyes on him. Sometime during that eternity though, Sunggyu was replaced by this stiff shadow of his previous character with accusing eyes that pierce straight into Woohyun’s.
“I’m Yoseob, Yang Yoseob. Vocal, like you! Doojoon told me you were going to come tonight,” Yoseob says brightly. Any other day, Woohyun wouldn’t have minded meeting him, but now all he wants to do is strangle Doojoon and then hide in his room forever.
Despite his obvious discomfort, Yoseob pulls him farther into the room and pushes him into a chair, right next to Sunggyu. “Wait here,” Yoseob instructs him. “I have to go help someone else, but you’ll sing for me next, right?”
He’s gone, and Woohyun can’t find it in him to feel the same anger at the cute third-year as he does for said cute third-year’s boyfriend. It’s probably Yoseob’s adorable charm, but he blames them both for the fact that he’s sitting next to Sunggyu, who immediately turns from him to talk to the person sitting on his other side. Woohyun knows he should have expected he’d be ignored, but it’s worse with Sunggyu sitting right beside him. The chairs are placed so closely in their half-circle that he can feel the heat of Sunggyu’s body beside him, sense each pace of his breathing. The messy ending of their friendship means Woohyun isn’t allowed to freely touch him like he used to, and he hates it.
Woohyun curls his hands into fists and takes a deep breath. Yoseob told him to wait for him, so it’s not like he can get away from Sunggyu, but he knows that if he stays here any longer then he’ll cave into the urge to talk to Sunggyu. It’s been too long since he’s heard his voice or seen his smile.
At his sigh, he notices Sunggyu flinch away from him, and realizes the other boy isn’t as oblivious to his presence as he’s making it. Woohyun lowers his eyes, squeezing them shut until he sees white flash on his eyelids. “Hyung,” he mumbles. He knows Sunggyu is listening, despite the stiff curve of his back. “I’m sorry.”
Sunggyu twists around violently, eyes narrowed, and he seizes Woohyun’s upper arm and jerks him out of the room, to everyone’s astonishment. But he’s beyond caring, yanking Woohyun down the hall until they’re far enough to be out of earshot if either of them yell. “You’re sorry?” Sunggyu hisses, his face close enough to Woohyun’s that he cringes back into the wall. “You’re fucking sorry?”
“Y-Yes,” Woohyun gasps. His foot collides with the wall behind him when he tries to step back. There’s no way to put space between them when Sunggyu has him cornered like this, and Woohyun tries to hold his breath.
“That’s all you have to say for yourself? After all this time?” demands Sunggyu. This is a side of him Woohyun has never seen before, a Sunggyu aggressive and invasive and, as Sunggyu slams his hands on either side of Woohyun to trap him against the wall, almost terrifying.
His challenge is the perfect opportunity to tell Sunggyu, really, but Woohyun swallows the words and searches Sunggyu’s face. The lack of his familiar smile, replaced by a scowl, further discourages speech; he can’t help but let his eyes dart to the sides in search of escape.
Sunggyu takes a deep breath, his entire body tense. Neither of them speak for a long moment, until Sunggyu whirls away with a growl of exasperation, making his way back towards the classroom. Woohyun stares at his back in panic--if he misses this opportunity and lets Sunggyu walk away from him, if he allows their relationship to stay like this and never get better, he’ll regret it. His hand is fisted in Sunggyu’s sweater before he consciously decides to move.
“I’m sorry, I am!” Woohyun chokes out. “I’m a coward and I let my feelings ruin everything, oh my god, Sunggyu, please. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship? And I never wanted you to know how I used to be like, I used to be such a horrible person and--” He forces himself to meet Sunggyu’s eyes and is gratified to see the hard edge has given way to bewilderment. “Look, Sunggyu, I just. I do, I do love you, okay? I never wanted to tell you because I was--I still am--so sure you wouldn’t feel the same way and I would rather stay friends but I already fucked up so badly. There’s nothing left to ruin so...”
His voice lingers awkwardly into silence, and he thinks he has rendered Sunggyu speechless. Woohyun pulls his hand back now that they’re facing each other. He’s relieved that Sunggyu’s anger has disappeared, but the quiet is unnerving him. The only thing he can hear is their breathing, unmatched and, in his case, shaking.
“And you just decided all of this? By yourself, without considering what I actually thought?” Sunggyu says, his voice deadly soft. He stares at Woohyun so intently that the latter shivers.
“I--I thought--” Woohyun starts, then stops. All this time, he had firmly believed that Sunggyu was interested in girls, that Sunggyu wouldn’t return his feelings. Maybe it’s his poor self-confidence to blame, or his stubbornness that Key was wrong all along and that it’s only pity, what Sunggyu feels for him. He never allowed himself to consider the alternative. “Wait, hyung, really?”
Sunggyu sighs. “Woohyun, you know there are two of us in this relationship, right? You have to talk to me. I missed you, okay?”
“Really?” Woohyun blurts again.
“Are you serious?” Sunggyu demands; his expression of exasperation is one Woohyun knows well from all those study sessions, and he smiles reflexively. They sit against the wall, close together, and Woohyun starts when Sunggyu leans his head on Woohyun’s shoulder. Sunggyu isn’t one for public displays of affection and it’s always Woohyun who takes it upon himself to do the clinging and teasing, so this is new. “Woohyun-ah?”
“Hyung?” Woohyun whispers in answer, tilting his head back and closing his eyes.
“I can’t believe you.” But Sunggyu threads his fingers with Woohyun’s, taking the harsh bite out of his words, and all Woohyun can do is admire the way their hands look intertwined together.
❧
“Oh my god, are you serious? You were going to go to your final like this?” Sunggyu says disapprovingly, pausing the instrumental.
They’re back in Woohyun’s room; around midnight, Key stopped by with a skinny first-year in tow, but gave Woohyun a delighted grin at the sight of Sunggyu sitting at Woohyun’s desk and disappeared once again. Once Woohyun finishes singing the song for his final, Sunggyu gets up and puts a piece of paper into his hands. Filled with Sunggyu’s tiny, meticulous script, marked by each second in the song, is feedback on where Woohyun can improve but also where he did well. Woohyun takes one look at it, flipping to the back to find it filled as well, and bursts out laughing. “The song isn’t even four minutes, how did you do this!?”
Sunggyu frowns. “It’s not bad, but you honestly should have come to me earlier. And you haven’t even worked on presentation!”
With Sunggyu’s nagging, Woohyun works on his piece for several hours, until he’s yawning between nods when Sunggyu gives him last minute advice. He crawls onto his bed without changing clothes, curling up against Sunggyu, who moved there after an hour or so and sat leaning against the headboard. They’re quiet again, the pace of Sunggyu’s breathing lulling Woohyun close to sleep.
“You know, I never believed you’d feel that way about me,” Sunggyu murmured. “You’re always around girls, I’ve seen you. I’m just quiet and I like to sing.”
“Maybe I like quiet singers,” Woohyun says into his thigh. “Maybe I don’t like girls as much as I did before.”
Sunggyu nudges him in the face and laughs when Woohyun protests.
❧
Woohyun sits on the railing, swinging his legs, and Sunggyu is on the floor, leaning against the cold metal and giving him a disapproving glare. “I probably won’t be able to stop you this time if you fall off, you know.”
“I won’t fall,” Woohyun says cheerfully.
“If you’re not careful, you will,” Sunggyu nags. “And then your perfect score on your vocal final will go to waste, and Key and Dongwoon and everyone else will be upset.”
“Doojoon would probably be put out, too, because he wouldn’t have anyone’s life to meddle with every day during lunch,” Woohyun agrees. Bringing Sunggyu to lunch in the cafeteria to meet all his friends had taken unnecessary coaxing, but everyone smoothed over the awkward atmosphere at first and accepted him as their own. By the time class started, everyone was laughing and joking around as they normally did; Woohyun is grateful they still accept him, more than words can express.
He’s pulled Sunggyu into his life even more lately. Absolutely delighted about his successful--though roundabout--matchmaking, Key celebrated by calling up Jonghyun and taking both Woohyun and Sunggyu clubbing the next week. Sunggyu, it turns out, has a legendary tolerance for alcohol, and it’s him who becomes responsible for driving everyone home once Jonghyun gets smashed beyond coherence, and him who teases Woohyun despite Woohyun’s hangover the next morning. Sunggyu is stiff and out of place in the club, so Woohyun takes matters into his own hands and makes him dance until he relaxes and immerses himself in the music. It’s not that new, after all, with all of the time they’ve spent together singing at office hour and in Woohyun’s--their--practice room. Sunggyu hardly needs to ask for Woohyun to come with him to Professor’s classroom, but sometimes they prefer privacy and solely each other’s company, letting their two voices harmonize smoothly.
Sunggyu looks down at his hands, opening and closing them. “I’d be unhappy too,” he mumbles, releasing the words hastily. He refuses to meet Woohyun’s eyes when Woohyun hops off the rail and crouches next to him.
“Hyung,” Woohyun whispers. When Sunggyu finally turns to look at him, Woohyun leans forward and gently presses their lips together.
It takes him a moment to process, and Sunggyu pulls back hesitantly to stare into Woohyun’s face. They’re silent for a while, looking at each other, and Woohyun sees questions and doubts but trust and affection, all blurred together into something he doesn’t know what to name. He doesn’t have an answer for Sunggyu, but the matter is taken out of his hands when Sunggyu smiles and the sunlight hits him just right, bathing him in a warm, yellow light and turning his eyes a light umber color.
Woohyun still lacks answers and a lot of other things, but now he has something worth living for and it’s all he needs to survive.
A/N: OH MY GOD FORMATTING IS SO TIRING HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS. ive looked at this fic so much i cant stand it anymore, so im just...running away now. BYE
part one
[3] ❝Please take away my last breath.❞
Groaning, Woohyun flings his forearm over his eyes to block the harsh stab of sunlight that pulses all the way to his brain. After he recovers, he’s going to go hunt down the person that has armed the creatures swarming inside his head with drumsticks, because the vindictive monsters are beating heartlessly upon the insides of his skull with no rhythm or pattern. The non-stop throbbing is already driving him crazy.
“Finally, you’re awake,” a voice tuts.
“Key, you motherfucker.” Speaking causes an excruciating spike of pain, but he needs to communicate just how horrible his roommate is for wrecking this havoc upon him. Every bone hurts down to the marrow, a terrible, penetrating ache that is duplicated in his muscles.
Said roommate rolls his eyes, Woohyun is sure of it even without opening his own. “You’re such a lightweight, Woohyun. I can’t believe how smashed you were.”
“It’s been a while, that’s all,” Woohyun mutters. He hasn’t missed hangovers, that’s for sure. If his head didn’t hurt so much, maybe he could go get something to settle his nausea. He needs liquids and carbs. “Do you have water?”
“Here.” Key hands him a bottle of water, already opened.
Woohyun raises it to his lips and takes a tentative sip, but his stomach churns and Key just barely gets the trash can in time for Woohyun to throw up into it violently, and spill water all over the carpeted floor as well.
Key makes a sound of indignation, fussing, “That’ll take forever to dry.” He steps delicately over the wet part when he helps Woohyun to the bathroom, which has never felt farther. Woohyun’s painfully heavy body shrieks in protest with each step, as well as on the way back after rinsing out his now-bitter mouth. He turns his head, neck cricking, to stare down Key. “How are you like this?”
“Like what?” Key asks with a smile. “I’m just really good at holding my alcohol and knowing my limits, unlike you! By the way, you almost ruined Jjong’s car on the way back and he is not happy with you.”
Woohyun lays back limply on his bed with a moan. He feels even worse now. “I really don’t give a shit.”
Key scowls at him, but his maternal side wins out over the stubborn one and he reaches out a hand to help when Woohyun suddenly tries to heave himself upright. “Pass me my phone, I need to call Sunggyu to tell him that I can’t make it for lunch,” Woohyun says, trying to ignore how his vision swirls.
“It’s in your jeans pocket,” Key points out, sitting down at the foot of his bed once he can see Woohyun is all right on his own.
Woohyun manages to wriggle the cell phone out of his back pocket with difficulty, his fingers thick and clumsy. The bright screen hurts his eyes but he holds it to his ear with the support of his pillow as it rings, once, twice.
“Hello?”
Sunggyu’s voice is soft among the clutter of the cafe in the background. Woohyun squeezes his eyes shut and says, “It’s me. Woohyun.”
“Woohyun? What is it, aren’t we...going to see each other soon anyways?”
He doesn’t have the heart to tell him they can’t when he wants to see Sunggyu so badly himself. “Y-Yeah. I just--”
“Are you feeling better now?”
“...Yes?” Woohyun blinks in confusion. Was he feeling bad earlier before with Sunggyu? It’s not like Sunggyu knew he went clubbing the night before. “I’ll see you in a few, hyung.”
❧
Coffee and croissants will undoubtedly make him throw up again, but Woohyun pushes the door of the cafe open and tugs off his hood. Sunggyu is bent over his laptop, such a familiar sight it puts Woohyun at ease for a heartbeat as he crosses the bustling shop. He is sipping his drink when Woohyun collapses into his seat across from him. “Hey.”
“How are you?” Sunggyu asks, glancing up from what must be the paper he told Woohyun about the day before. Yesterday seems weeks rather than hours ago, split by the world of alcohol and club music.
Woohyun appraises him in confusion. Wrapped in another of his thick, winter scarves, Sunggyu looks slightly weary but concentrated on his work. Nothing is different, yet everything feels off-kilter. “I’m okay. Why do you keep asking me that?”
“You’re not hungover?”
He knows.
Woohyun suppresses the urge to bolt from his chair, fingers digging into the ungiving wood. Panic and humiliation and apprehension aren’t emotions he’s used to when he’s with Sunggyu, and he hates their presence already. Sunggyu isn’t supposed to know this side of him. Sunggyu isn’t supposed to know about the reckless, stupid teenager he becomes when someone offers him a drink. Ever since they’ve become friends, Woohyun has quieted down so much to try and fit Sunggyu’s calmness that the shame he feels when he looks back is overpowering. How can he possibly match someone so composed and brilliant when he’s such a mess? “What do you mean?”
Maybe he’s imagining it, but Sunggyu seems to focus carefully on not meeting his eyes when he speaks again. “When you called me last night, you weren’t sober, were you.”
“I...called you last night?” Woohyun says blankly. He pulls out his phone again to check, finding a recent call to Sunggyu at 1:48AM that he definitely doesn’t remember making. “Did... Did I say something...?”
Sunggyu purses his lips and takes another sip of his coffee.
When the silence stretches so thin Woohyun thinks he just might go ahead and lunge across the table to grasp the worn collar of Sunggyu’s coat and make him look, please look at me in the eyes, he speaks again. “Hyung. What happened?”
Sunggyu’s fingers stop over the keyboard, before the gentle patter of typing begins again. “Woohyun? You know how people say drunk words are sober thoughts?”
“What do you mean?” Woohyun asks, struggling against the urge to run away before something falls apart. He can feel it, the delicate cracks spindling their way across the bonds fate melded between them.
“Woohyun...” Sunggyu closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. Unconsciously, Woohyun bites down on the inside of his mouth, abruptly afraid. “Do you love me?”
The chair legs screech sharply against the tiled floor, slicing through the cafe’s murmur of sound so loudly it’s surprising no one twists around to look. Woohyun stands on reflex, his mouth flooding with the metal taste of blood when his teeth cut through the skin. He pauses, time suspended around him, his wide eyes fixed on the bent head of the boy sitting before him. Wildly, he grasps for the right words to save him in this situation--“yes,” “no,” “of course,” “what the hell are you talking about,” “I’ve been in love with you since the start”--but Sunggyu still refuses to look at him and confidence has never been Woohyun’s strong point.
So he bolts.
❧
“What!?” Key shouts, jumping up from his bed.
“I just left!” Woohyun moans, pulling his blankets over his head to escape Key’s accusing glare. “My brain blanked and I didn’t know what to say and he didn’t say anything and--and--”
Key throws a pillow at approximately where Woohyun’s head is; unsurprisingly, his aim is perfect. Woohyun counts himself lucky it wasn’t the textbook on the bedside table. “Why didn’t you confess your undying love! Woohyun, this was your chance and you blew it!”
Without a proper comeback, Woohyun groans again and tugs the blankets tighter around him. “I’m never going to able to face him again.”
This time, it is Key’s textbook, jutting sharply into his back. “What do you mean?” Key demands, his voice closer. “You can’t going to hide from him forever, you know.”
“Who says?” Woohyun sulks. There’s no way he can look Sunggyu in the face properly anymore. The humiliation of how he left earlier, as well as the lingering effects of his hangover, has him on the brink of throwing up again. It’s best if he stays like this, bundled so far into his blankets that no one will ever see him again.
“Woohyun, you have to stop doing this to yourself,” Key says softly. His hand is warm on Woohyun’s back. “What’s the point of keeping your feelings a secret from Sunggyu?”
“So I can be unrequited and sad but not rejected and hurt. I could ruin everything.”
“You’re not going to stay by his side like that anymore though, are you?” Woohyun shifts, about to object, but Key talks over him, “Before, I guess it was okay to keep quiet since you guys were friends and all, but now you’re going to hide from him, right? I know you. You’re going to avoid him but miss him so much at the same time. That’s stupid, Woohyun.”
“I’m not brave like you,” Woohyun whispers. “I can’t do what you did with Jonghyun.”
“You’re missing the point! It doesn’t matter just how much Jjong liked me, it was the fact that I stepped up to let him know I felt the same way instead of refusing to acknowledge my feelings. And with the way you and Sunggyu are always together, I wouldn’t be surprised if he likes you. I told you this before! And your drunkenness already ruined everything, what do you have to lose?” Key sighs heavily, and Woohyun feels bad yet again for being the way he is. Everything would be easier if he were confident, if he were strong.
“I can’t do it, I can’t,” says Woohyun helplessly. He’s never confessed to anyone his life; in high school, all of the girls he ever dated went to him first, and he only went out with people for something to do. With so much emotion and significance on the line with Sunggyu, everything is different. And to be honest, Woohyun doesn’t believe in his own worth enough to have the self-confidence needed to make this work. He’s always gone through life easily, detachedly, without anyone to value or fight for--not for his family, his friends, and especially not himself.
“You will,” Key predicts, going back to his bed and crossing his legs. “You’ll miss him, and desperate people do desperate things.”
❧
It only takes a few weeks before Key’s words prove themselves true.
Woohyun never quite realized just how much time he spent with Sunggyu until a knife cleanly carved Sunggyu out of his life. He hides in his room more, under Key’s disapproving stare, and aces every test with the way he studies. He can’t resist playing the music Sunggyu gave him towards the beginning of their friendship, to the point that both he and Key know all of the lyrics to Afterglow by heart. It’s the umpteenth time the song replays and how he feels like crying because of the lyrics that makes Woohyun realize just how useless he is. Key’s snarky suggestions to take up knitting and writing poetry aside, Woohyun decides to put in extra hours for Intermediate Choir instead. Professor Kyungsun adores him by now, and he makes closer friends. If Key isn’t around and Woohyun is too hungry to skip a meal, he eats with people in the cafeteria.
Sohn Dongwoon from Vocal and Instrumental is the first to welcome him--“Hey, you! You’re Key’s roommate right? D’you want to eat with us?”--but soon the others, Jinwoon and Nicole and Mir, welcome him into their group with an ease that amazes Woohyun. They’re willing to talk about everything, and there’s enough outgoing personality to go around that makes sure the conversation never ceases. They tease each other but praise each other in the same breath, always touching and laughing. Whether it’s Jinwoon and his relentless grin, Nicole’s bright laughter, or Mir’s odd antics, Woohyun can let go and feel comfortable with Dongwoon’s arm around his shoulders or Mir sprawled over his lap. Sometimes Nicole’s friend, Hara, stops by, but the sly digs about her boyfriend from Jinwoon and Dongwoon have her pouting and sauntering off again.
Yet, with all the fun he has with the group, they’re not the same. They make him crave Sunggyu’s company even more, to wind down after joking around and just relax in each other’s presence. Dongwoon and the other first years can’t give him that, Key can’t give him that, and he ends up missing Sunggyu even more than before.
Professor tries to get him to come to office hour every time he sees him; Woohyun automatically remembers Sunggyu’s soft voice from when they first met, and plasters on a smile when he refuses.
❧
Dongwoon invites him over to study together two weeks before year-end finals week. The invitation surprises Woohyun; first, because he didn’t expect someone to reach out to him, and second because of all the time that has passed. The months between when he crammed over breakfast with Sunggyu and now feel like a mere heartbeat, and he feels a jolt of sadness when he realizes his friendship with Sunggyu didn’t even last half a year. They won’t be studying together this time around.
When Dongwoon’s roommate, a boy who’s muscled build--one so impressive Woohyun is jealous despite his own body--clashes with his eye-crinkling smile, opens the door for him, the first thing Woohyun takes in is the mess. Clothes are piled everywhere, to the point chairs cannot be used for sitting, and snack wrappers and empty Coke bottles litter any available surface. Key always keeps their room clean, and when he doesn’t, Woohyun automatically tidies up anything; for Dongwoon and his roommate, it’s evident no one here minds living in a dump.
He picks up some trash and throws it away without consciously deciding to, putting down his binder so he can retrieve the trash can and clean up properly. “Ah, Gikwang, I think we’ll actually see the floor if we keep Woohyun around long enough,” Dongwoon says in delight.
Gikwang laughs, throwing his head back. “But it’s your turn to clean this week!” He helps Woohyun though, picking up his own clothes and tossing Dongwoon’s over his body. The other boy lets out a whine of protest, wriggling on the bed, and Gikwang laughs again when the clothes fall onto the ground again. Their camaraderie is gentle and mellow, and Woohyun can’t help but watch when Dongwoon reaches out to catch the edge of Gikwang’s wifebeater when Gikwang passes by on the way to the closet. He feels almost intrusive when Dongwoon smiles up at Gikwang, and he’s certain that there’s something going on between them. Whether it’s just Dongwoon, or something mutual, he can’t be sure. (If he knew, he’d probably be able to tell what he and Sunggyu were as well.)
Because of his courses in both Vocal Music and Dance Performance, Gikwang studies with the two of them for a while before he leaves to meet a friend. Fine arts universities give finals different from the structured, stiff tests Woohyun suffered through in high school, and he likes it this way. He and Dongwoon and Gikwang turn it into a party of sorts, singing increasingly louder and louder until they flop over onto Dongwoon’s bed and laugh until their voices subside into gasps.
Only, it’s until Woohyun gets back to his room and runs the segment through, letting the music seep into his chest and reverberate through his voice, does he realize something. No matter how fun that study session with Dongwoon was, he still doesn’t know whether there are places he could improve in. He can’t find the places where he makes mistakes but has heard so many times that it sounds right. Key can’t give him real advice, it’s too late to find any of his choir friends, and his usual critic is unavailable.
Woohyun falls back onto his bed and sighs.
[4] ❝And when the bottle breaks...❞
Life continues at an alarming pace, and Woohyun frets more with each final he finishes. He’s so stressed that he manages to sleep approximately two hours a night, barely finds time to eat properly, and even plows over a third-year on the way back to his dorm after his music theory final. It’s quite a feat, he realizes once he pulls the guy back up onto his feet and has to take a step back. He’s probably a dancer, with a strong build like that; if he weren’t at this school, Woohyun would peg him as someone who played sports. “I’m so sorry!” he gasps, raking a hand through his hair.
“Hey, man, it’s okay!” he says, grinning; Woohyun recognizes him as one of the people who greet Dongwoon at lunch. Evidently, he is recognized as well as the guy stares him in the face thoughtfully. “Wait, I know you! Dongwoon’s friend, right?” When Woohyun nods and introduces himself, he slings an arm over Woohyun’s shoulders naturally and asks, “What’s the rush?”
Woohyun fails to suppress a sigh. “Finals, of course. I have to practice my piece for my vocal final, so I wanted to go back to my room for my music player.” He should’ve brought it with him to class, but it slipped his mind on the way out and he had nothing else with the instrumental he needed. Usually, he’s not so forgetful, but he can barely haul himself out of bed and into the shower in the morning these days.
“You have it last, right? I’m Yoon Doojoon, by the way.” They start walking again, toward the dorms, and Woohyun decides not to question why Doojoon has adopted him as his underclassman so quickly. It’s just like Dongwoon to make friends with people as touchy and invasive as he is, as he quickly learned with Key and Mir.
“Yeah, it’s tomorrow. I’m running out of time and I need proper criticism for it, not just practice,” worries Woohyun. He decides to take the stairs up to his room, seeing as the elevator is taken and he hasn’t had the time to work out properly lately.
Doojoon follows him easily. “Don’t you know about Kyungsun’s office hour? My boyfriend, Yoseob, goes there often to sing and hang out. The few times he dragged me there with him were fun but productive, you know?”
“I know about it,” Woohyun says shortly. His tone quiets Doojoon until they get to Woohyun’s room. Key isn’t there, probably down in the dance wing to practice as well, and Doojoon sits on his bed as Woohyun collects his music player and its charger.
“Where are you going?” asks Doojoon curiously as Woohyun puts both items into his bag and zips it up before disappearing into the bathroom.
“Probably one of the practice rooms open?” Woohyun calls to him. He already claimed the empty one at the end of the hall as his, letting his voice echo in the protection of sound-proof walls. More than once, Key has threatened to kick him out of their room for singing too loudly, as if the pulsing beats of dance music haven’t disturbed Woohyun’s studying before.
“Alone?” Doojoon says incredulously. “Does it help? What if you’re just practicing your flaws over and over?”
Woohyun knows this. “I’m not going to office hour, hyung.”
“But why?”
When Woohyun refuses to answer again, Doojoon stops him from leaving and manages to wheedle the truth out of him. Everything comes spilling out, from his decision to commit suicide to meeting Sunggyu and falling in love for him, but screwing everything up with one drunk phone call up until their last conversation weeks and weeks ago. “I can’t go to office hour, I can’t see him ever again,” he finishes weakly, collapsing onto the bed beside Doojoon. “I don’t know what I could possibly do to fix this.”
Doojoon offers him a smile, deciding to meddle. “It’ll be okay, Woohyun. It will!”
“How could you possibly know?” Woohyun groans.
❧
Even when he’s busy texting someone, Doojoon refuses to let Woohyun leave. He’s never been held under house arrest in his own room, but Woohyun gives in anyways and takes a much-needed nap while Doojoon taps away on his phone with a smirk on his face.
He wakes Woohyun up as the sky begins to darken by turning on the light. “Hyung?” Woohyun asks sleepily. “How long did I sleep?”
“No matter!” Doojoon says, brandishing his cell phone victoriously at him. “You are going to office hour in twenty minutes anyways!”
Woohyun sits up, glaring. “I already told you, I can’t! What, did I waste my breath and time earlier? I could’ve practiced, you know.” He heaves a sigh, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He should’ve realized practice was more important.
“No, no, you can, look!” Doojoon insists. Woohyun accepts the phone and studies the screen, his eyes squinted in the artificial light. He reads the conversation slowly, then once more just to check if the words haven’t changed since he first looked at them.
“Sunggyu seriously won’t be at office hour tonight?”
“Nope!” Doojoon confirms cheerily. “Yoseob says he has something else to do tonight, so you might as well seize the opportunity for help, right? I’m sure Seobbie will help you with your singing.”
Woohyun gets to his feet, stretches the kinks out of his back. “I guess I’ll go then. If Sunggyu won’t be there. Thanks, Doojoon! You can let yourself out.”
He gathers his things quickly and disappears out the door, and Doojoon lays back on the bed in satisfaction at his plot. Whatever happens, he reasons, it'll be better than the never-ending standstill between Woohyun and Sunggyu now.
The path to Professor Kyungsun’s classroom is one Woohyun has taken many times before, but never at this time in day. It’s chilly with the sun almost done setting, and he shivers when the wind picks up, speeding up and cursing himself for forgetting a jacket in his eagerness to leave. As always, the vocal wing is well-lit, and Woohyun slips inside with relief. Though he regrets he and Sunggyu aren’t on good terms, going to office hour for the first time is something he has always looked forward to.
Second door on the right, Woohyun quietly turns the doorknob and pushes the heavy door open to find people chatting, singing, and laughing. He doesn’t have the moment to take everything in this busy atmosphere in, however, because his eyes land on a bent head in the middle of the room that lifts up to see the new arrival.
Doojoon lied.
Before Woohyun can turn around and leave, a boy with a surprisingly round face for his age and a cheery, dimpling smile bounds forward to seize his arm. “Woohyun, right?” he is asked.
“Y-Yeah,” he chokes out. He can’t tear his eyes away from Sunggyu’s, shocked by a coldness he has never seen before in the kind boy. Sunggyu isn’t dressed for the warm season, broad shoulders accented by his dark sweater, and it feels like it has been an eternity since Woohyun has laid eyes on him. Sometime during that eternity though, Sunggyu was replaced by this stiff shadow of his previous character with accusing eyes that pierce straight into Woohyun’s.
“I’m Yoseob, Yang Yoseob. Vocal, like you! Doojoon told me you were going to come tonight,” Yoseob says brightly. Any other day, Woohyun wouldn’t have minded meeting him, but now all he wants to do is strangle Doojoon and then hide in his room forever.
Despite his obvious discomfort, Yoseob pulls him farther into the room and pushes him into a chair, right next to Sunggyu. “Wait here,” Yoseob instructs him. “I have to go help someone else, but you’ll sing for me next, right?”
He’s gone, and Woohyun can’t find it in him to feel the same anger at the cute third-year as he does for said cute third-year’s boyfriend. It’s probably Yoseob’s adorable charm, but he blames them both for the fact that he’s sitting next to Sunggyu, who immediately turns from him to talk to the person sitting on his other side. Woohyun knows he should have expected he’d be ignored, but it’s worse with Sunggyu sitting right beside him. The chairs are placed so closely in their half-circle that he can feel the heat of Sunggyu’s body beside him, sense each pace of his breathing. The messy ending of their friendship means Woohyun isn’t allowed to freely touch him like he used to, and he hates it.
Woohyun curls his hands into fists and takes a deep breath. Yoseob told him to wait for him, so it’s not like he can get away from Sunggyu, but he knows that if he stays here any longer then he’ll cave into the urge to talk to Sunggyu. It’s been too long since he’s heard his voice or seen his smile.
At his sigh, he notices Sunggyu flinch away from him, and realizes the other boy isn’t as oblivious to his presence as he’s making it. Woohyun lowers his eyes, squeezing them shut until he sees white flash on his eyelids. “Hyung,” he mumbles. He knows Sunggyu is listening, despite the stiff curve of his back. “I’m sorry.”
Sunggyu twists around violently, eyes narrowed, and he seizes Woohyun’s upper arm and jerks him out of the room, to everyone’s astonishment. But he’s beyond caring, yanking Woohyun down the hall until they’re far enough to be out of earshot if either of them yell. “You’re sorry?” Sunggyu hisses, his face close enough to Woohyun’s that he cringes back into the wall. “You’re fucking sorry?”
“Y-Yes,” Woohyun gasps. His foot collides with the wall behind him when he tries to step back. There’s no way to put space between them when Sunggyu has him cornered like this, and Woohyun tries to hold his breath.
“That’s all you have to say for yourself? After all this time?” demands Sunggyu. This is a side of him Woohyun has never seen before, a Sunggyu aggressive and invasive and, as Sunggyu slams his hands on either side of Woohyun to trap him against the wall, almost terrifying.
His challenge is the perfect opportunity to tell Sunggyu, really, but Woohyun swallows the words and searches Sunggyu’s face. The lack of his familiar smile, replaced by a scowl, further discourages speech; he can’t help but let his eyes dart to the sides in search of escape.
Sunggyu takes a deep breath, his entire body tense. Neither of them speak for a long moment, until Sunggyu whirls away with a growl of exasperation, making his way back towards the classroom. Woohyun stares at his back in panic--if he misses this opportunity and lets Sunggyu walk away from him, if he allows their relationship to stay like this and never get better, he’ll regret it. His hand is fisted in Sunggyu’s sweater before he consciously decides to move.
“I’m sorry, I am!” Woohyun chokes out. “I’m a coward and I let my feelings ruin everything, oh my god, Sunggyu, please. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship? And I never wanted you to know how I used to be like, I used to be such a horrible person and--” He forces himself to meet Sunggyu’s eyes and is gratified to see the hard edge has given way to bewilderment. “Look, Sunggyu, I just. I do, I do love you, okay? I never wanted to tell you because I was--I still am--so sure you wouldn’t feel the same way and I would rather stay friends but I already fucked up so badly. There’s nothing left to ruin so...”
His voice lingers awkwardly into silence, and he thinks he has rendered Sunggyu speechless. Woohyun pulls his hand back now that they’re facing each other. He’s relieved that Sunggyu’s anger has disappeared, but the quiet is unnerving him. The only thing he can hear is their breathing, unmatched and, in his case, shaking.
“And you just decided all of this? By yourself, without considering what I actually thought?” Sunggyu says, his voice deadly soft. He stares at Woohyun so intently that the latter shivers.
“I--I thought--” Woohyun starts, then stops. All this time, he had firmly believed that Sunggyu was interested in girls, that Sunggyu wouldn’t return his feelings. Maybe it’s his poor self-confidence to blame, or his stubbornness that Key was wrong all along and that it’s only pity, what Sunggyu feels for him. He never allowed himself to consider the alternative. “Wait, hyung, really?”
Sunggyu sighs. “Woohyun, you know there are two of us in this relationship, right? You have to talk to me. I missed you, okay?”
“Really?” Woohyun blurts again.
“Are you serious?” Sunggyu demands; his expression of exasperation is one Woohyun knows well from all those study sessions, and he smiles reflexively. They sit against the wall, close together, and Woohyun starts when Sunggyu leans his head on Woohyun’s shoulder. Sunggyu isn’t one for public displays of affection and it’s always Woohyun who takes it upon himself to do the clinging and teasing, so this is new. “Woohyun-ah?”
“Hyung?” Woohyun whispers in answer, tilting his head back and closing his eyes.
“I can’t believe you.” But Sunggyu threads his fingers with Woohyun’s, taking the harsh bite out of his words, and all Woohyun can do is admire the way their hands look intertwined together.
❧
“Oh my god, are you serious? You were going to go to your final like this?” Sunggyu says disapprovingly, pausing the instrumental.
They’re back in Woohyun’s room; around midnight, Key stopped by with a skinny first-year in tow, but gave Woohyun a delighted grin at the sight of Sunggyu sitting at Woohyun’s desk and disappeared once again. Once Woohyun finishes singing the song for his final, Sunggyu gets up and puts a piece of paper into his hands. Filled with Sunggyu’s tiny, meticulous script, marked by each second in the song, is feedback on where Woohyun can improve but also where he did well. Woohyun takes one look at it, flipping to the back to find it filled as well, and bursts out laughing. “The song isn’t even four minutes, how did you do this!?”
Sunggyu frowns. “It’s not bad, but you honestly should have come to me earlier. And you haven’t even worked on presentation!”
With Sunggyu’s nagging, Woohyun works on his piece for several hours, until he’s yawning between nods when Sunggyu gives him last minute advice. He crawls onto his bed without changing clothes, curling up against Sunggyu, who moved there after an hour or so and sat leaning against the headboard. They’re quiet again, the pace of Sunggyu’s breathing lulling Woohyun close to sleep.
“You know, I never believed you’d feel that way about me,” Sunggyu murmured. “You’re always around girls, I’ve seen you. I’m just quiet and I like to sing.”
“Maybe I like quiet singers,” Woohyun says into his thigh. “Maybe I don’t like girls as much as I did before.”
Sunggyu nudges him in the face and laughs when Woohyun protests.
❧
Woohyun sits on the railing, swinging his legs, and Sunggyu is on the floor, leaning against the cold metal and giving him a disapproving glare. “I probably won’t be able to stop you this time if you fall off, you know.”
“I won’t fall,” Woohyun says cheerfully.
“If you’re not careful, you will,” Sunggyu nags. “And then your perfect score on your vocal final will go to waste, and Key and Dongwoon and everyone else will be upset.”
“Doojoon would probably be put out, too, because he wouldn’t have anyone’s life to meddle with every day during lunch,” Woohyun agrees. Bringing Sunggyu to lunch in the cafeteria to meet all his friends had taken unnecessary coaxing, but everyone smoothed over the awkward atmosphere at first and accepted him as their own. By the time class started, everyone was laughing and joking around as they normally did; Woohyun is grateful they still accept him, more than words can express.
He’s pulled Sunggyu into his life even more lately. Absolutely delighted about his successful--though roundabout--matchmaking, Key celebrated by calling up Jonghyun and taking both Woohyun and Sunggyu clubbing the next week. Sunggyu, it turns out, has a legendary tolerance for alcohol, and it’s him who becomes responsible for driving everyone home once Jonghyun gets smashed beyond coherence, and him who teases Woohyun despite Woohyun’s hangover the next morning. Sunggyu is stiff and out of place in the club, so Woohyun takes matters into his own hands and makes him dance until he relaxes and immerses himself in the music. It’s not that new, after all, with all of the time they’ve spent together singing at office hour and in Woohyun’s--their--practice room. Sunggyu hardly needs to ask for Woohyun to come with him to Professor’s classroom, but sometimes they prefer privacy and solely each other’s company, letting their two voices harmonize smoothly.
Sunggyu looks down at his hands, opening and closing them. “I’d be unhappy too,” he mumbles, releasing the words hastily. He refuses to meet Woohyun’s eyes when Woohyun hops off the rail and crouches next to him.
“Hyung,” Woohyun whispers. When Sunggyu finally turns to look at him, Woohyun leans forward and gently presses their lips together.
It takes him a moment to process, and Sunggyu pulls back hesitantly to stare into Woohyun’s face. They’re silent for a while, looking at each other, and Woohyun sees questions and doubts but trust and affection, all blurred together into something he doesn’t know what to name. He doesn’t have an answer for Sunggyu, but the matter is taken out of his hands when Sunggyu smiles and the sunlight hits him just right, bathing him in a warm, yellow light and turning his eyes a light umber color.
Woohyun still lacks answers and a lot of other things, but now he has something worth living for and it’s all he needs to survive.
A/N: OH MY GOD FORMATTING IS SO TIRING HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS. ive looked at this fic so much i cant stand it anymore, so im just...running away now. BYE