{exo; lu han/baekhyun} in rhapsody
Title: in rhapsody
Fandom: exo
Pairing: lu han/baekhyun
Word Count: ~9000
Rating: r
Summary: band!au: The days of near-empty rows of seats at Heart Attack Club & Bar are long gone - now Aimless Own is making headlines.
Author's Note: written as a pinch hit for hyemint as a part of deerofdawn’s first round, your prompts were too kind!
so so sorry to long-suffering mods admortems and eonians for how long this took u________u, and to loudestoflove and frailspells for lending me their bandom knowledge!!!! (the worst line of baekhyuns dialogue is all the fault of curledupkitten i cant believe i wrote it in)
in rhapsody
"Saw you onstage today," Baekhyun says casually, from the doorway of the tour bus bathroom.
Lu Han ignores him until he's done washing the last of the make-up and sweat from his face, catching a few last drops of water off his jaw with the back of his hand. "That tends to happen, my being onstage, especially since we're on tour and all," Lu Han replies without looking away from his own reflection in the mirror. "What about it?"
Baekhyun shrugs a shoulder, the one that isn't up against the door frame. With how small the bathroom is, Lu Han vaguely feels like he's being caged in, pressed against the sink counter simply by Baekhyun's presence. He can see Baekhyun in all three panels of the mirror, the actual boy standing so close behind him Lu Han can almost feel the heat of his body. "You're good," Baekhyun says eventually.
"Good?" Lu Han repeats. He isn't seeking compliments, but it must be something more than good for him and his boys to sell so many tickets for every show of their first headliner tour. Something that makes all those local shows to uninterested audiences and those long months in the cheapest van Chanyeol could find worth it, spending more in gas money than they earned with their actual performances. "Just 'good?'"
"Best you're gonna get out of me," Baekhyun says, grinning at him. "Coma's main vocalist doesn't just hand out compliments that freely, you know."
"Okay, Mr. Main Vocalist," Lu Han says and rolls his eyes. When Baekhyun steps into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him, Lu Han pauses in wiping his hands dry, eyeing him. "What do you want? This isn't even your tour bus."
"Everyone from mine went out into the city, so I came over to see if anyone wanted to play. You're the only one here, though, so we're alone," Baekhyun says, his words sliding free from his lips unusually slow. His smile reminds Lu Han of metal, heat, the bright glare when the spotlight glances off of the neck of Lu Han's electric guitar. He stands close enough that Lu Han can see that his usually impeccable eyeliner wings are smudged. Both of them have yet to change out of their performance outfits.
"Play, huh?" Lu Han says. "You sure you're not looking for Jongdae or Chanyeol instead?"
"No," Baekhyun says, like it's obvious. Lu Han's not a big fan of that tone, it makes him feel like an idiot and always shows up in lieu of his playful one whenever it's just the two of them. Still, he lets Baekhyun crowd him backwards, into the narrow strip of space between the counter and toilet so that his back hits the wall, and doesn't object when Baekhyun leans in. He's almost anticipating what's to come, even. Reading the signs he knows a little too well.
"I'm looking for you."
ϟ
Lu Han is used to being shuttled from place to place, has long given up on settling enough to call someplace home. There are possible candidates, of course, like Yixing's garage where Aimless Own has been holding practices and jam sessions since day one, or even that shitfest of a van Chanyeol loved even though it guzzled gasoline at a pace they could hardly afford, or even now, this tour bus, his belongings tucked into the spaces along his bunk bed. Once, it had been his parent's house, the one he grew up in under the naive impression that it'd always be a place for him to return to.
It's okay, though. When Chanyeol catches the mic that Yixing tosses to him and roars, his low voice echoing across the entire venue, "You've all been amazing tonight! We're bringing you one last song, Time Control," Lu Han closes his eyes and decides that the answering screams of their fans are more than enough.
Jongdae whoops and thrusts his fist up into the air, launching into the first lines of the song that made them big, Lu Han quickly matching him in harmony. It's amazing to see real life proof that their hard work is worth it. Every time they perform Time Control, Lu Han remembers 3 AM sessions with Yixing, rewriting a troublesome section of the bridge or agonizing over the lyrics of the second verse, the fatigue manifesting deep under Yixing's eyes as dark, dark circles. He was scared out of his mind when they played it for the first time at their local club, hoping beyond hope that the song Yixing had poured his everything into would be worth it, and it had been. The days of near-empty rows of seats at Heart Attack Club & Bar are long gone - now Aimless Own is making headlines.
The show ends in a rush of last riffs and wild cheering, and Lu Han blows a few kisses as he follows the others offstage. Coma is there to meet them, as usual, already wiped free of sweat and on their way down from their own high.
"Great job!" Zitao yells, hugging Lu Han and Yixing to his chest at the same time, and Lu Han just gives into the embrace and laughs into Zitao's shoulder. There's something so genuine about Zitao's affection that makes him so very fond of the guy, and he's always been so game to practice guitar with Lu Han that the hobby became habit.
"Zitao, we're so sweaty right now, it's gross," he says, but clings back rather than try and detach himself. When they finally draw back, Kris is there, holding out a fist for Lu Han to bump, with Kyungsoo beside him offering his congratulations for yet another successful show.
Baekhyun is behind the rest of them, watching Lu Han with a smirk licking at the right corner of his lips. He has yet to clean up and dress down after the show like the others, and the deliberate gaps in his shirt have bare skin sticking to Lu Han's sweaty body when he, too, leans in for a hug - a much briefer one. The spots where they make contact seem even hotter. "You were good," he says.
"Just good again, huh?" Lu Han says, but he laughs. He's kind of like Chanyeol, he can't stay mad for long after a show, the lingering adrenaline still tearing its way through his veins; Yixing will dwell over little things, like how smoothly the guitar chords transitioned between verses and the chorus, but he's gotten better at quitting that, stopped overthinking the music and started living it. Jongdae eats the crowd's adoration up and sings it back ten times better - there's nothing like it.
Chanyeol himself comes barreling over to join the hugs and congratulations, Jongdae at his elbow, and it's somehow tacitly decided that they'll hit the club tonight, get drunk out of their minds because there's no show tomorrow. Might as well spend the bus ride of the next leg of their tour sleeping off their hangovers. "You guys have deserved it," Minseok, their manager, adds as he hands Lu Han his wallet. "It's been a great tour so far."
"We'll only do better," Jongdae pitches in from behind Lu Han, reaching over to snatch his own wallet out of Minseok's hand. He's out the door fast, Chanyeol's arm over his and Baekhyun's shoulders as they head out first. It's a familiar sight, the three of them together. Sometimes Lu Han laments to himself the day they met and Coma was signed to the same label as Aimless Own, because Baekhyun has made Chanyeol and Jongdae into absolute troublemakers.
He goes with Yixing and Zitao and Kris, and they drag Minseok along, too, even though Minseok really doesn't care when girls hit on him. Zitao preens under the attention, though, from both the girls and the boys, so he's excitedly bouncing down the block as they walk from the lot where the buses are parked to the club. He's dressed the best as always, eyes perfectly lined and the cuts of his body accentuated just right. By the time they're inside, he's off to the bar, and Lu Han sees a boy wearing a backwards snapback cap buying him a drink in minutes. Typical Zitao.
"Let's dance?" Yixing yells into his ear over the pop music. Lu Han notices Kris and Minseok making their way through the crowds to the bar, too, and turns to nod at Yixing.
It's hot and sweaty, the crush of people all around them, but Lu Han knows it well and has learned to ignore it; clubs are the same no matter where they go. Unsurprisingly, Yixing dances all too well, rolling his body and gyrating his hips to the pop beats in a way that has some stranger whistling in appreciation, the perfect balance between filthy and skilled. He's so goddamn good at composing and playing the guitar that even Lu Han will forget how amazingly he dances, but he quickly remembers now. There is never a lack of admiring eyes when Yixing hits the dance floor.
But Lu Han is good enough to hold his own next to Yixing, and he enjoys himself in this mess of people who don't know him, don't know about his backstory or about the troubles strapped to his back to weigh him down. They just dance, and sometimes there's a passing touch to his shoulder or hip or back, and Lu Han loses himself in the music in another way. It feels good. Aimless Own isn't exactly the type to play pop music, since they're not a mainstream band and all, but the beat is catchy and Lu Han can't complain.
Eventually, they tire, and navigate their way back out of the crowd to join the others at the bar: Kris and Minseok are still there and have been joined by Kyungsoo, the three of them drinking and talking animatedly, and Zitao is flirting shamelessly with someone who's probably not the first guy he roped in. Poor Backwards Cap Guy. "Could really use a drink right now," Lu Han says as he joins them, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Yixing plops down heavily in the seat beside him, out of breath but happy.
Kyungsoo catches the attention of the bartender to order his and Yixing's drinks, and Lu Han gives him a thankful smile. He would join their conversation, but Zitao is scrambling to introduce his new friend, "Lu Han! This is Soryong! He bought me this really nice drink."
"Hey, nice to meet you," Lu Han says with a friendly smile. It's always better to humor Zitao, and tonight's pick is really cute. Tall and muscular with a great smile, the way Zitao likes it.
"He has a twin," Zitao whispers into Lu Han's ear, too loudly; Soryong is sure to have heard, but doesn't seem to mind the slightest.
"Sounds good," Lu Han whispers back. "Double the trouble."
Zitao winks at him and turns back to Soryong, placing a hand deliberately on Soryong's arm as he dials up the charm. That frees Lu Han up to tune into what the others are talking about, putting in his two cents between sips of his drinks until the other three come back, tousled and bright-eyed. There's what's probably the most outrageous lipstick kiss mark on Jongdae's cheek, bright pink and smudged around the edges, and Baekhyun falls apart in laughter when Yixing asks them about it curiously.
"It's a long story," Chanyeol tells them seriously, but his eyes are laughing, too. They wedge into seats and order drinks, too, and somehow Baekhyun ends up between Lu Han and the rest of Aimless Own while the other two find seats by Kris and Kyungsoo.
At one point, Baekhyun nudges him in the side, and Lu Han looks over at him to ask, "What is it?"
"Cheers," Baekhyun replies - his voice soft enough that it most likely would've been drowned out by the sounds of the club around them if his mouth hadn't been right next to Lu Han's ear - and holds up his glass to clink it against Lu Han's. They down the rest of their drinks all at once, and Lu Han lets Baekhyun order them another round of the same.
When Baekhyun hands him his new drink and lets his hand drop on Lu Han's thigh, Lu Han knows it isn't an accident. Touches like these are never an accident with Byun Baekhyun. From the way he leans forward as if he's so very engaged in what the others are talking about, to the way his hand applies pressure, his long, elegant fingers squeezing slightly. Yeah, no accident. Lu Han's learned to read Baekhyun like a book when it comes to this, and now it's his move.
Maybe someone smarter, someone more self-preserving, would've made a different decision but the alcohol hums in his veins to replace the stage's leftover adrenaline and he finds himself thinking Why not?. Lu Han leans forward, puts his half-empty glass down on the counter, and catches Baekhyun's eye with a glance to the side.
"Bathroom," Baekhyun mouths, the smirk back to tease at him as the lights of the club play in colored stripes across his face, and Lu Han stands to leave first.
Once in the dimly lit bathroom, Lu Han slips into the handicapped stall and sits on the toilet seat gingerly, wobbling until he finds his center of balance. It was a little harder to walk than he expected it to be - he didn't realize he'd been drinking so much until he stood and tried to move forward, but he's pretty sure he's still in control. The door of the bathroom stall is shut behind him, but not locked, and he could probably count off the minutes until Baekhyun appears to push it open by now. It doesn't seem to matter what city they're touring in or what club they've visited. This scene always remains the same, playing on loop because Lu Han can't bring himself to hit the stop button.
The fleeting certainty Lu Han felt before, surrounded by the warmth of his friends and his glass in his hand, begins to slip away, and he has an oddly sober moment of what the hell am I even doing here. It's quickly dispelled when Baekhyun shows up, though.
"Heeeeere comes trouble," Baekhyun announces as he walks in, too loud, and Lu Han snorts.
"Way to set the mood," Lu Han says, standing up to meet him but then thinking better of it, staying in place. It's easier to just let himself be caught up in Baekhyun's flow, right? Their banter is something he recognizes, and he slips into it, meeting Baekhyun's gaze.
Baekhyun gives him a grin, smug. "Didn't know you were so high maintenance."
"Shut up and get over here," Lu Han retorts, and after that, they kind of just fall into each other. It's easy, it's always easy like this, with Lu Han's back against the wall even though there's a coat hook digging into his spine, Baekhyun's mouth hot against his neck as they rut against each other. This time, their stage outfits are long gone, and Baekhyun slides Lu Han's simple t-shirt up with a confidence Lu Han has worked hard to emulate in return, even though he'd never admit it. When Lu Han fights to undo the button of Baekhyun's skin-tight jeans, Baekhyun laughs breathlessly.
"We in a hurry or something?" he asks, tipping his head back with a near-silent moan when Lu Han finally gets his hand down Baekhyun's underwear and starts jerking him off.
"No," Lu Han says automatically, even though he is driving the pace at this point; they aren't in a hurry, but for some reason, he is, and he hates how Baekhyun can sense that. But Baekhyun's hand still moves to match his pace, and he curls in at the sensation of Baekhyun's touch, pressing his forehead to Baekhyun's shoulder and vaguely wondering where Baekhyun's jacket went, the one with the pointed golden studs against black leather on the shoulders.
It feels good. Whatever they have between them jumps between being too simple and too complicated - simple in the slide of palm against cock, pleasure trembling through Lu Han's body all the way to the tips of every nerve (sharp and electric on the tail-end of the alcohol buzz), but complicated in the way Lu Han doesn't even know whether or not he can kiss Baekhyun. They've never talked about that, Baekhyun's face still buried against Lu Han's neck where he muffles that whine he does when he's close to coming. Lu Han leans his head back against the wall behind him and just tries to touch release, because at least he knows that, he knows what Baekhyun likes best.
"Shit, Lu Han," Baekhyun gasps out finally, his other hand slipping from the soft skin of Lu Han's side to grip his hip. White streaks down Lu Han's knuckles, smears on Baekhyun's stomach where his shirt has ridden up under Lu Han's other hand, and Lu Han quickly follows in suit, biting against Baekhyun's name as he comes.
Lu Han and Baekhyun go back to the bar once they're decent. It seems no one noticed them go, and upon their return, Zitao seizes Lu Han's attention immediately to introduce Soryong's twin brother, Daeryong. Even taller, even more muscular. Zitao's struck gold tonight.
ϟ
As predicted, the hangovers are killer the next morning, the medicine box repeatedly raided for Advil and everyone wincing collectively whenever the bus jostles them too much.
"Let's never do that again," Jongdae groans from one of the bunks above Lu Han.
Chanyeol calls in reply from the other side of the hallway - which isn't really that far away, considering how cramped they are in the tour bus, "That's what we say every time, man. It hasn't happened yet."
"Then it should," Jongdae whines back. He shifts, and the mattress creaks quietly overhead.
In the bunk directly across from Lu Han's, Yixing is completely wiped out, dead to the world, probably exhausted from throwing up sometime on the way home. Minseok most likely is sprawled across the couch along the back of the bus. It doesn't seem like anyone is there to both Lu Han, especially when Jongdae falls silent and Chanyeol drifts off again, so Lu Han is left to his own thoughts, his own accompanying headache. Maybe they really need to start listening to Jongdae around here. Maybe they should just go to clubs less.
Maybe he doesn't know how to read the book that is Byun Baekhyun, Lu Han thinks to himself, face pressed against his pillow. Maybe all he's ever known is the outside cover, the title page, but never made it into the chapters of the body. The meat of the story. He can read the broadcasted signs, but it's only what Baekhyun wants to tell him and nothing more; he can touch him, make him feel good, and then it ends there, a silent clean-up with rough paper towels before they're heading back into the club, masks back on. Masks never off. And all he knows is exactly what everyone else does, because Baekhyun never hesitates to recount how he threw everything away for Coma. Hours practicing, going against his parents' wishes, step by step taking him to now, where he's the main vocalist of Aimless Own's opening act.
It's almost like cheating, or something. Lu Han spent so much time sneaking around behind his parents' back, making up Hackathons to attend concerts with Yixing, the best friend they never even knew he had. One look at Yixing and his baggy sweaters, the guitar slung over his back and his fingers stained with ink from yet another session of songwriting, and they would've turned up their nose and never spared him a second thought. But there was something in the way Yixing looked up at Lu Han in surprise when Lu Han stumbled into his adopted practice room - Lu Han had been searching for a piece of equipment for the tech crew of their university's musical theater department - but smiled at Lu Han's apology and invited him to stay. Even then, Lu Han was keeping secrets from his parents, lending his time to Tech or to the music majors selling tickets every evening leading up to a concert, just so he could hear the orchestra rehearsing. Rather than kick him out of what Lu Han could tell immediately was his safe, happy place, Yixing pulled Lu Han in, put his own precious guitar in Lu Han's lap and guided his fingers to the right places of the strings.
After that, it was too easy for Yixing to coax out Lu Han's love for music, one kept tightly under wraps in the face of parents who pushed him towards computer science, something respectable for a secure future. Yixing and Jongdae had sparked Aimless Own (though at the time it was still unnamed), and found Chanyeol, a drama major, to play the drums. "We need one more voice," Yixing begged Lu Han, curling his delicate hands into the fabric of Lu Han's jacket and tugging urgently. "One more and then we can start going places."
"I can't," Lu Han said reluctantly. He can still remember the moment vividly, Yixing dropping by Lu Han's dorm room. His computer was open beside him, one of his coding labs open and due in less than two hours that night. His music was still playing on his iPod, albeit for no audience, because he always forgot to pause the song when he took out his earbuds.
"Lu Han," Yixing pleaded. "Please? I know you want it, you know?"
"What?" Lu Han replied, too fast, heartbeat picking up even though this was Yixing. This was Yixing, who probably understood Lu Han better than anyone, even though they had been friends for much shorter than Lu Han had lived with his parents.
Yixing's hands found his, and they clung. "I wrote the vocalist parts in the songs for you," Yixing said, completely serious. "I know I never asked you for this until now, but the way you look when you sing, ge. Please do this with us."
"But my degree," Lu Han tried. He glanced at his computer, the timer ticking down, and thought about how much code he still had to go. And even after this lab, there would be another, and another, and then he would graduate in a couple years and then it would be more lines of code for the rest of his days no matter what cubicle he sat in. It had never seemed more frightening to follow the path his parents had painstakingly laid out for him.
"But your love for music," Yixing said softly. "It's not something you should waste."
Lu Han turned him away that day, but the next Wednesday, when he knew the band was supposed to be in the music wing, he gathered his things and walked from his dorm to their practice room, feeling like he was growing both lighter and heavier with each step. He was the only precious son of the family, he needed to live up to his parents' expectations, he needed to make something of himself so they wouldn't have to worry about him - but then he pushed the door open with trembling hands, and Yixing's head snapped up to take in the sight of him. Jongdae and Chanyeol fell silent, the absence of their conversation taking up too much empty space in the air, but Lu Han appreciated that they weren't staring.
"Okay," Lu Han said, cutting Yixing off when he opened his mouth to speak. "You were right. Life's too short to do things we don't want, et cetera."
Yixing laughed, bright like the sun even though the night had long fallen upon them. "Knew you were meant for this," he said, words that Lu Han still turns over and over in his mind today, and welcomed Lu Han inside to sit next to him. Put his hands on his guitar again and strum the chords of what would someday become the first few lines of Time Control.
He might've chosen music - dropped his computer science major to a minor without telling home and pretending, somehow, that he needed to travel intensively for his new job straight off the bat after graduation, right around when Chanyeol snagged the best deal for a rental van he could manage to find - but in the end, it was more that the music had chosen him by muffling the voice of reason in his head that had always sounded like his mother. The boys had made it through a couple months before Lu Han's parents realized the truth: that their promising, promising son had recklessly thrown away a degree from such a prestigious university in order to chase a pipe dream of becoming famous for music. He's lost count of how many phone calls he was forced to hang up on when the deluge of disappointment and betrayal were too much, head aching and body weighed down with doubts (especially when Aimless Own was struggling to catch the attention of a handful of people in the nightclubs), and curled up against Yixing for hours and hours on end until he felt like there was any reason to keep trying.
There always is, though. As Aimless Own gets more and more popular, the obvious reasons blossom in the form of passionate fans and welcome banners and tears whenever someone runs into them in the streets. They fool the doubt for a little while, letting it subside. But then Lu Han sees the way Baekhyun gives his 100% and more to every time he steps onstage, how he has the fierce disapproval of his parents riding on his shoulders but he doesn't even care, doesn't even want to care. "I was never too good in school," he said once during a joint practice between Aimless Own and Coma, sticking his tongue out when Lu Han reflexively turned his head to listen to Baekhyun's conversation with Jongdae; he didn't tell Lu Han to stop listening, though. "So I don't think they're missing much. They just don't want me to make such a ruckus but I've always been loud. And shameless."
"So you didn't finish college?" Lu Han asked.
"Nah," Baekhyun shrugged. "Didn't feel like I needed to. All that time in class, I could've used to practice instead."
Lu Han had shrugged and turned away, unwilling to invade in a conversation he wasn't originally in any longer, but the words had stuck. Baekhyun had given up his future for the present entirely, pinned all of his hopes and dreams on this one chance, and he never looked back. He never looks back and it feels like every day there's a moment where Lu Han prepares for a stage with his hands shaking from a mixture of excitement and fear of messing up, or runs through his harmony part one more time and the notes stubbornly fall flat, or he can't seem to make himself get up in the mornings because they've just been going and going and going. And then he stumbles out of the bus and out for some rushed breakfast, and there's Baekhyun, eyes bright and determined, already in game mode and on top of things. And there just has to be a reason why Coma is opening for Aimless Own, or else it doesn't make sense, why Lu Han walks out to the loudest roar of the night with his bandmates as Coma hurries offstage, why he gets to have this but Baekhyun still has to keep fighting forward. Maybe he doesn't even deserve this.
"What are you thinking about?" Yixing asks him later that evening, when Lu Han is flopped face down on the couch along the back of the bus with the same thoughts rolling around restlessly in his head. He sits down and curls up next to Lu Han, nestling the side of his face against the curve of Lu Han's side to hip. Lu Han's been feeling kind of restless all day, imagining the residues of Baekhyun's body heat near his even though the club's dim bathroom is long gone behind them, but Yixing's touch has him feeling a bit better already.
"The usual," Lu Han mumbles. He hasn't told Yixing about whatever it is that he has with Baekhyun; as far as he knows, no one has found them out yet. "Dumb things. Worrying."
"That's my job," Yixing chides him, and yawns a little, even though he slept through most of the day. They're at a rest stop now, by themselves because Coma's bus ran a little behind schedule, but Lu Han didn't feel like going outside.
"Can't let you have all the fun," Lu Han says absently in reply, and Yixing laughs a little. They're quiet, and then Lu Han sighs and rolls onto his back, dislodging Yixing's head; Yixing automatically scoots so it's on Lu Han's stomach instead. "Sometimes… You know how sometimes it doesn't feel like you're doing the right thing with yourself?"
"What do you mean?" Yixing answers sleepily.
Lu Han sighs again, more loudly this time, even though it's melodramatic of him to do so. "I don't even know what I mean. I guess it's hard to remember I'm doing this for music when touring is so stressful. It'll be easier later."
After some maneuvering, Yixing lifts his arm and gently pats Lu Han's arm, the closest part of him that Yixing can reach. "I get it," he says, propping his face up on Lu Han's stomach so he can see Lu Han's face. "But it's not that bad, right? We'll be done, soon, and we can go back home. And you can help me write more songs."
"You know I'm no help with that," Lu Han says, smiling back at Yixing even if it's a little helpless. "All I do is nod whenever I think it sounds okay."
"That's good enough," Yixing tells him, sounding like he's going to fall back asleep any minute. Lu Han knows he still cares, though. Yixing always does. "Having you around makes it easier to write, too."
"Thanks, Xing," Lu Han says. He reaches out to touch Yixing's head, carding his fingers through the soft, brown hair at the back of his head, and lets Yixing fall asleep on him even though his leg is starting to fall asleep. It would be easy to shake Yixing awake again and spill out his thoughts, tell him about how he still regrets how his parents see him now even though it's been two years since the first phone call, his father's voice so cold it bit right down to the bone. Or tell him about how he and Baekhyun have this - this thing he can't stop thinking about, or how Baekhyun outdoes him in almost every way and it's not about Aimless Own versus Coma but it's about him, Lu Han, and how it aches every time he sees Baekhyun onstage from the wings because the way he drags each note out like he means it.
In the end, he falls asleep on the couch, too, and wakes up with a crick in his neck that aches every time he turns his head to the left. Baekhyun makes fun of him for it every time he winces during practice, Lu Han glaring at him every time Baekhyun cackles. "Why do I even spend time around you," he groans.
"You love me," Baekhyun says, batting his eyelashes, and Lu Han focuses on putting away his guitar in its case, so he doesn't have to meet Baekhyun's gaze.
ϟ
The tour continues. Baekhyun yelling into his mic to open the entire concert with Coma's best hit, Emergency continues; those lunchtime breaks where Chanyeol challenges Kris to another game of seeing who can spin their drumsticks longer continue; and the shock of adrenaline every time Lu Han steps out under those stage lights and opens his mouth to sing - that continues, too. Every time, even though they've performed this set more times than Lu Han can count on his ten fingers now. They settle into a pattern that Lu Han comes to love, finding moments where the guitar hums just right under his hands and a venue-full of screaming fans holds their breath to hear the line he sings next.
And then it breaks, of course, because the music industry is - at its core - unpredictable. It's the night before their third to last show, the tour almost wrapped up, when Lu Han wakes up one day at an hour so early it's ungodly, to find everyone huddled around Jongdae's side of the bus, a dry, hacking cough coming from Jongdae's cocoon of blankets.
"What's wrong?" he whispers, when Minseok passes by his bunk, looking exhausted. "Is Jongdae okay?"
"Sick," Minseok says, sounding resigned. "Down with some virus, it was bound to happen sometime since we're traveling so much and there's always so many people. His voice is shot, though. If we're lucky, he'll be able to make the last show, but definitely not this one."
"Voice?" Lu Han repeats. Jongdae's the main vocalist. If they don't have Jongdae, Aimless Own might as well not perform.
Since there's no way he's going back to sleep, Lu Han climbs out of bed, putting on his sweats before following Minseok outside into the chilly morning air. The sun has yet to rise, and Lu Han buries his hands in his pockets even as he shivers. Yixing and Chanyeol are already outside, Yixing having had noticed when Jongdae started feeling under the weather and woken Minseok up to ask him to check up on him.
"What do we do?" Chanyeol says eventually, breaking the heavy silence. The parking lot around them is dead silent, fog lining the ground and rising up in misty tendrils into the sky. It really is cold, Lu Han notices the tips of Chanyeol's ears are beginning to turn red.
Minseok shrugs, and runs his hands through his hair. "We could always cancel the show, or reschedule the rest of the gigs. But then we'd need to contact all of the people managing the venues, and give fans back so many refunds, and in general it wouldn't be good for the tour. Especially if this is how we're going to end it."
"We can't cancel the last three shows," Yixing says, upset. "We definitely can't do that."
"It's too late to reschedule," Minseok tells him, shaking his head. "It's too short notice, and it might not even have been possible even if we had known this would happen weeks ago."
"Surely there's another way!" Yixing bursts out, and Lu Han jumps, unused to hearing Yixing's usually gentle voice raised so loudly, so firmly. Chanyeol is watching Yixing with worried eyes, too, and he steps in to pull Yixing's hand away from where it won't stop worrying a loose pull on his soft sweater - pulling the loop out so everything starts to unravel from that one point. Yixing has poured so much of himself into this band and this tour in particular. When Minseok reaches out to touch Yixing's arm, in consolation, Yixing catches onto his hand and clings, eyes pleading, "Please, Minseok hyung."
"Why don't you have someone else step in for him?" a voice remarks from behind them, and Lu Han twists around in shock to see Baekhyun ambling towards them, his pajamas too thin in the morning cold and his face bare of make-up, surprisingly vulnerable-looking. Kyungsoo is beside him, looking crabby at having to be awake at this hour.
"What do you mean?" Minseok asks, eyeing Baekhyun. Even now, after years of working with Coma, Lu Han isn't too sure whether Minseok views Baekhyun as a bad kid, since he's often the one cleaning up the aftermath of Baekhyun's mischief, or whether he actually has a soft spot for the guy. Baekhyun does that, though - wriggles his way under your skin until you're always there for him, long-suffering or not.
Baekhyun cocks his head to the side and eyes Lu Han from over Minseok's shoulder. "I'm saying that guy over there knows Jongdae's parts as well as his own. I could give you guys Kyungsoo" - Kyungsoo huffs but doesn't protest - "and we'd still do the shows on time."
"Me?" Lu Han says, voice coming out too loud in the softness of the slow sunrise.
Yixing whirls around, latching onto Lu Han this time. "Please," he says immediately. "Please, please, ge, I know you won't like it but please - "
Lu Han's backing up before he knows it, shaking his head, both hands put up in surrender. "I can't," he says. "I definitely can't, I sound nothing like Jongdae, I could never hit the notes he does. I - I can't do it."
When Lu Han was still in high school, and participating in the school choir, his choir teacher had been quite fond of him and his determination to work hard and his affinity with whatever piece they encountered. But when the teacher attempted endless times to give him a solo part at the next concert, Lu Han turned her down time after time, smiling that polite "thank you so much, but I can't" smile so many times that he's perfected it by now. He appreciated it, yes, and he was honored to be recognized, but in the end, the spotlight just wasn't for him. It wasn't meant for his two feet. And he loves this new life he's crafted for himself, even if it scares him shitless; he loves practicing with Yixing and Jongdae and Chanyeol, and laughing helplessly as their jam sessions spiral away as Chanyeol veers off on some creative tangent and ends up coming up with the weirdest riffs. He loves the way Yixing can work those chords into their song like it was meant to be written this way, and how Jongdae hits the notes just right alongside them, and how all four of them bounce off of each others pre-performance energy until they're ready to tear it up onstage. But for Lu Han, singing as the main vocalist just isn't an option.
"Lu Han, maybe we could talk about this," Minseok begins, but Lu Han does the only thing he knows how to do at this moment. He runs for it.
What ends up happening is that he takes a circle around the edge of the parking lot, surrounded by a veil of fog that lifts and lifts gradually until the sun has dissipated it all. At first, it seemed like Minseok, or Chanyeol, were going to follow him, but Yixing held them back, let Lu Han have his space because ultimately, he understands Lu Han best. About halfway around the rectangle, Lu Han stopped and sat on a nearby tree stump, burying his face in his hands. He's sitting in the middle of nowhere - or at least that's how it is feels, an empty parking lot of a rest stop in the space between metropolitan cities - and there is a problem, and it would be so easy if he stepped in to fill in the solution.
The truth is, Lu Han never wanted fame or attention out of this path, knew it was inevitable if they were to succeed like they wanted but still he hoped that walking alongside Yixing and Chanyeol and Jongdae would be more than enough to balance out the rest. And he knows that there is a part of Byun Baekhyun that thrives, shines brighter than any spotlight cast upon him, and he's jealous of that. He kicks out at a pebble and watches it tumble away, leaving faint tracks in the dirt behind it. In due time, the wind will wipe those tracks all away.
By the time he gets back to the tour bus, it's empty, and Lu Han slips into the back to grab their binder of sheet music - mostly untouched nowadays, because they know their parts so well they could play them backwards, probably - and takes it back to his bunk, feeling as if he should be tiptoeing away as he smuggles something precious. Once hidden behind his curtain, he flicks on a lamp and slowly opens the binder to Jongdae's pages. The notes are as hard as he remembers them to be. One section in the bridge for one of their newer and most popular songs, Black Pearl, is especially difficult, and Lu Han recalls Jongdae practicing for weeks on end to nail it. Lu Han doesn't have weeks, he has days, hours counted down as their next concert day approaches. There's no way he can pull this off. There's no way.
Lu Han's on the couches in the back of the bus once again, picking absently at a loose thread on the arm of the seat he's in as he reviews lyrics. Or, as well as he can review them when he isn't even looking at the bars of music, too preoccupied with his own thoughts. Upon returning to the tour bus the night before, he'd found Minseok and quietly told him that he was sorry, he really was, but his filling in for Jongdae wasn't an option. And there was the sense of disappointment again, tainting into his life, ruining the one thing his parents could not touch. He couldn't even do music right anymore.
The door of the tour bus bangs open and Lu Han doesn't bother glancing up, with the curtain in place that divides the rest of the bus from the back "room" where Minseok works, and where Yixing and Lu Han like to take naps. It's a safe place.
"What the hell?"
Lu Han startles, accidentally knocking his elbow against the corner of the couch and biting back a curse at the resulting jolt of pain. "Baekhyun?" he says in disbelief, recognizing the voice at once, and for a second, he considers standing up to meet him. He stays seated, but also stays on guard, holding the sheets of lyrics in his hand like a lifeline.
"What the hell," Baekhyun hisses again, nearly brimming over with his outrage. This is the first time Lu Han has ever seen Baekhyun so angry, and he's witnessed enough tantrums in the past as it is. As always, his presence fills the room, threatening to suffocate Lu Han if he isn't careful; it feels wrong to have Baekhyun here, his energy and his volume sealing them in, chasing away the placid calmness of what this room should represent. It throws Lu Han off-kilter more than Baekhyun ever has before. "Why didn't you do it? You could've sang Jongdae's parts!"
"I'm not Jongdae," Lu Han says flatly, without looking up from the papers in his hand and hoping beyond hope that Baekhyun won't notice he's trembling ever so slightly, the pages vibrating. "I'm not main vocalist material. If we did that, we wouldn't have had the side vocal and harmonization, anyways, so we would've still been lacking."
Baekhyun grabs Lu Han by the collar of his shirt and practically drags him upright off of the couch, getting in his face as he yells, "What's wrong with you? You could've had Kyungsoo, you would've done amazingly - you still can! What's your problem?"
"Jongdae's better than me!" Lu Han shouts back, suddenly and irrationally so angry at feeling like this, at Baekhyun sauntering into his life like he knows exactly how it feels to be in Lu Han's shoes. "It's not like I don't try and it's not like I'm not practicing, but sometimes, Baekhyun, we have to face the facts. Not everyone is like you, okay? I couldn't have pulled it off!"
"What the fuck, Jongdae's better than me, too," Baekhyun says furiously. "It's not like I don't know that. But I'm still main, and I still work my ass off to do the best job of the main vocalist I possibly can. And you can't just back out without trying for it."
"Shut up," Lu Han snaps. "We can't all be like you, okay? We can't all be fucking brave enough to give up everything to do what we actually want. Maybe sometimes people aren't strong enough." He hates this, how Baekhyun is the one preaching to him or something when he doesn't know at all. Once Kyungsoo had remarked to Lu Han in an aside that it was interesting how he and Baekhyun reflected each other, almost, with their similar styles in performing; it wasn't until Kyungsoo recruited Kris and Zitao to help him come up with a list of similarities - hand gestures, the way they hold their mics, the way they look when they "make eye contact with an unfortunately fortunate girl in the audience" - before Lu Han agreed reluctantly. So maybe they did mirror each other, but only superficially, the way labelmates or bandmates sometimes will if they spend enough time together. Because Baekhyun is just as good as Jongdae in so many ways, so good but just raw, seamlessly filling in the gap with the strength and confidence in himself knowing he can do his part. And then there's Lu Han, and he's fine with being the supporting role, honestly, filling in the melody with the harmony so the sound comes out just right. Tying all the loose ends together, making sure there's nothing Yixing has forgotten, blending the sounds - he enjoys that.
But there's still a part of him that looks at Baekhyun and thinks he could be that. Fearless, and daring, running to the edge of the stage with a wild cry as the fans scream back.
"You're scared," Baekhyun says at last, finally lowering his voice. "You're fucking scared."
"So what if I am," Lu Han says. He pushes Baekhyun away but Baekhyun refuses to budge, shifting his grip from the fabric at Lu Han's throat to grasping his shoulders.
"You know, the first time I went onstage, it was in middle school for the talent show and Coma was only a faraway dream. I didn't even have a name for it yet, I just knew I wanted it," Baekhyun says, laughing a little even though nothing's funny, gripping onto Lu Han tighter. "I was so afraid my voice cracked twice, and I never thought I'd forgive myself for it afterwards."
"We're not in middle school anymore, Baekhyun," Lu Han retorts, but Baekhyun shakes his head, edging them back towards the couch.
"But I went back and participated in the show again the next year, and the year after that, and whenever I could in high school," Baekhyun insists. "If there was a mic and a place to stand, I was there. And the stage starts feeling like home. You still get nervous and you still don't want to mess up, but it starts feeling safer. You know?"
Lu Han stares into Baekhyun's face and resists the urge to shiver. This moment feels like something more than anything else they've had before, and they've been much more intimate than this before. Physically. "I know," he says finally.
"It'll be scary," Baekhyun says. "You don't think Jongdae's afraid every time before a show? I once found him having a breakdown backstage because the venue was one of the biggest ones we've ever hit. As much as he likes to seem collected, he's human, too."
"You're being too reasonable," Lu Han says weakly, and sits down heavily. "I don't know you anymore."
"I have my moments," Baekhyun says in singsong, and sits down next to him, close but not too close. No pretenses, no hints, no masks. Lu Han crosses his fingers in his lap, the sheets of lyrics now scattered across the floor, and stares at the pale skin stretched over each joint of his fingers until Baekhyun puts his hand over them. It's odd, to notice now how delicate-looking Baekhyun's hands are.
"I don't know what to do," Lu Han admits after a long moment of silence.
Baekhyun laughs, and this time, it kind of sounds like he means it. "Yeah, you do."
ϟ
"Hey, everyone, this is your one and only Aimless Own," Chanyeol says into the mic once Coma has left the stage, amps moved and mic stands adjusted in height. He pauses as the fans shriek as one, grinning broadly; this is the smile that has captured heart after heart. "You may have already noticed that we're missing Jongdae today."
The fans chorus sounds of sympathy and unhappiness, several boards flashing Jongdae's name in the audience visible in the darkness.
"Yeah, I know," Chanyeol says. "But he's on his way to a full recovery and the show must go on, so hopefully you all still remember Kyungsoo from Coma just now?" When the assent comes, he continues, "Good, because he'll be playing with us for a little longer. Standing in for Jongdae, then, is our very own Lu Han!"
Lu Han steps forward and waves a little, feeling trapped and liberated at the same time by all the eyes on him in this crucial moment, the cheers ringing out across the venue echoing. The usual, then. As Chanyeol returns to his place behind the drums, he finds the first chords of the song kicking off their setlist and brings the mic to his mouth. "Hope you enjoy the show tonight," he says, hoping beyond hope that his voice won't crack, he’s no longer a middle schooler. "Our first song is Machine."
While Lu Han might not have Jongdae's dynamic energy, leaping around the stage as the fans nearest scream their hearts out, he holds his own and by the end, when everyone chants his name for an encore, he thinks he might just cry. The choice for the encore stage is, of course, an obvious choice, with Chanyeol switching to his guitar and Yixing stepping up to perform a duet with Lu Han. All the lights in the audience, bobbing in unison, are a sight to behold indeed, and Lu Han is sad to see them all go out when the concert finally, finally ends.
Backstage is, as always, organized chaos. Now that the show's over, Lu Han finds himself more reckless afterwards than before, analyzing every song and every line in worrying whether or not they were good enough. There's no doubt that Jongdae would've done a better job, but there were spots where Lu Han could've covered better than Kyungsoo did, after all; these are their proper places. But at least there's this day, where Lu Han didn't disappoint the ones most important to him in the end, and Kyungsoo did fine in Lu Han's place, too.
"You were good," Baekhyun says from behind him, and Lu Han whirls around in surprise. The light from inside illuminates only Baekhyun's silhouette, his face too far from the light overhead outside to be of any use, but Lu Han can tell that he's changed out of his performance outfit already, for once. His sweatshirt looks soft, maybe cream-colored.
"Was I?" Lu Han replies. He laughs a little, sinking back against the wall and sliding down to sit on the ground even though he's getting his pants dirty. "I hope so. I hope I was good enough."
"You were," Baekhyun says firmly, squatting down to be on the same level.
Lu Han tilts his head back and stares at the night sky overhead; the stars always look different on each leg of their tour. "I think that might be the most frightening thing I've ever done in my life, maybe even scarier than telling my parents I was no longer doing CS," he says, laughing again because he doesn't know what else to do. His fingers hurt from playing the guitar - Jongdae likes to use hybrid picking, so Lu Han needed to compensate for the style change with Jongdae's parts - and the makeup on his face is probably smudged, but Lu Han finds he doesn't want to go back inside just yet.
Baekhyun doesn't reply, his face still cast in shadow. From the faint stripes filtering in from the door left ajar, Lu Han can see that his sweatshirt is cream after all, a sweet contrast against the blue denim of his jeans. It's been so long since he's seen Baekhyun in anything but pajamas or stage performance attire that he can hardly recognize him in this half-darkness; when they first started out, Lu Han personally thinks that Baekhyun searched for excuses to stay in these outfits, so he wouldn't have to let go of the feeling of performing until the very last minute.
"Well," Lu Han continues, half-talking to him and half-thinking out loud, "you were right."
"Of course I was, dumbass," Baekhyun mutters against the crook of his elbow.
Lu Han only nods, conceding the point, and tilts his head back against the wall with his eyes closed. The night air feels so clear and refreshingly cool, especially after the heated atmosphere of a concert, and Lu Han almost feels like he could soak in it, it's so nice. He nearly drifts off to sleep when he senses Baekhyun shift and stretch beside him, kissing the corner of his lips.
His eyes fly open and he sits up, staring at Baekhyun even as the other boy refuses to meet his gaze, despite being the one to initiate things. "Baekhyun?"
"What," Baekhyun grumbles self-consciously.
"What was that," Lu Han prompts, but the smile is so obvious in his voice he's surprised Baekhyun can't hear it. He coaxes Baekhyun into lifting his face reluctantly and then gives the kiss right back, reckless and messy this time, until Baekhyun is cupping Lu Han's face between his hands despite how the eyeliner is probably smudging everywhere.
"Took you long enough," Baekhyun whispers, and Lu Han only rolls his eyes before leaning back in to kiss him again.
Fandom: exo
Pairing: lu han/baekhyun
Word Count: ~9000
Rating: r
Summary: band!au: The days of near-empty rows of seats at Heart Attack Club & Bar are long gone - now Aimless Own is making headlines.
Author's Note: written as a pinch hit for hyemint as a part of deerofdawn’s first round, your prompts were too kind!
so so sorry to long-suffering mods admortems and eonians for how long this took u________u, and to loudestoflove and frailspells for lending me their bandom knowledge!!!! (the worst line of baekhyuns dialogue is all the fault of curledupkitten i cant believe i wrote it in)
in rhapsody
"Saw you onstage today," Baekhyun says casually, from the doorway of the tour bus bathroom.
Lu Han ignores him until he's done washing the last of the make-up and sweat from his face, catching a few last drops of water off his jaw with the back of his hand. "That tends to happen, my being onstage, especially since we're on tour and all," Lu Han replies without looking away from his own reflection in the mirror. "What about it?"
Baekhyun shrugs a shoulder, the one that isn't up against the door frame. With how small the bathroom is, Lu Han vaguely feels like he's being caged in, pressed against the sink counter simply by Baekhyun's presence. He can see Baekhyun in all three panels of the mirror, the actual boy standing so close behind him Lu Han can almost feel the heat of his body. "You're good," Baekhyun says eventually.
"Good?" Lu Han repeats. He isn't seeking compliments, but it must be something more than good for him and his boys to sell so many tickets for every show of their first headliner tour. Something that makes all those local shows to uninterested audiences and those long months in the cheapest van Chanyeol could find worth it, spending more in gas money than they earned with their actual performances. "Just 'good?'"
"Best you're gonna get out of me," Baekhyun says, grinning at him. "Coma's main vocalist doesn't just hand out compliments that freely, you know."
"Okay, Mr. Main Vocalist," Lu Han says and rolls his eyes. When Baekhyun steps into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him, Lu Han pauses in wiping his hands dry, eyeing him. "What do you want? This isn't even your tour bus."
"Everyone from mine went out into the city, so I came over to see if anyone wanted to play. You're the only one here, though, so we're alone," Baekhyun says, his words sliding free from his lips unusually slow. His smile reminds Lu Han of metal, heat, the bright glare when the spotlight glances off of the neck of Lu Han's electric guitar. He stands close enough that Lu Han can see that his usually impeccable eyeliner wings are smudged. Both of them have yet to change out of their performance outfits.
"Play, huh?" Lu Han says. "You sure you're not looking for Jongdae or Chanyeol instead?"
"No," Baekhyun says, like it's obvious. Lu Han's not a big fan of that tone, it makes him feel like an idiot and always shows up in lieu of his playful one whenever it's just the two of them. Still, he lets Baekhyun crowd him backwards, into the narrow strip of space between the counter and toilet so that his back hits the wall, and doesn't object when Baekhyun leans in. He's almost anticipating what's to come, even. Reading the signs he knows a little too well.
"I'm looking for you."
ϟ
Lu Han is used to being shuttled from place to place, has long given up on settling enough to call someplace home. There are possible candidates, of course, like Yixing's garage where Aimless Own has been holding practices and jam sessions since day one, or even that shitfest of a van Chanyeol loved even though it guzzled gasoline at a pace they could hardly afford, or even now, this tour bus, his belongings tucked into the spaces along his bunk bed. Once, it had been his parent's house, the one he grew up in under the naive impression that it'd always be a place for him to return to.
It's okay, though. When Chanyeol catches the mic that Yixing tosses to him and roars, his low voice echoing across the entire venue, "You've all been amazing tonight! We're bringing you one last song, Time Control," Lu Han closes his eyes and decides that the answering screams of their fans are more than enough.
Jongdae whoops and thrusts his fist up into the air, launching into the first lines of the song that made them big, Lu Han quickly matching him in harmony. It's amazing to see real life proof that their hard work is worth it. Every time they perform Time Control, Lu Han remembers 3 AM sessions with Yixing, rewriting a troublesome section of the bridge or agonizing over the lyrics of the second verse, the fatigue manifesting deep under Yixing's eyes as dark, dark circles. He was scared out of his mind when they played it for the first time at their local club, hoping beyond hope that the song Yixing had poured his everything into would be worth it, and it had been. The days of near-empty rows of seats at Heart Attack Club & Bar are long gone - now Aimless Own is making headlines.
The show ends in a rush of last riffs and wild cheering, and Lu Han blows a few kisses as he follows the others offstage. Coma is there to meet them, as usual, already wiped free of sweat and on their way down from their own high.
"Great job!" Zitao yells, hugging Lu Han and Yixing to his chest at the same time, and Lu Han just gives into the embrace and laughs into Zitao's shoulder. There's something so genuine about Zitao's affection that makes him so very fond of the guy, and he's always been so game to practice guitar with Lu Han that the hobby became habit.
"Zitao, we're so sweaty right now, it's gross," he says, but clings back rather than try and detach himself. When they finally draw back, Kris is there, holding out a fist for Lu Han to bump, with Kyungsoo beside him offering his congratulations for yet another successful show.
Baekhyun is behind the rest of them, watching Lu Han with a smirk licking at the right corner of his lips. He has yet to clean up and dress down after the show like the others, and the deliberate gaps in his shirt have bare skin sticking to Lu Han's sweaty body when he, too, leans in for a hug - a much briefer one. The spots where they make contact seem even hotter. "You were good," he says.
"Just good again, huh?" Lu Han says, but he laughs. He's kind of like Chanyeol, he can't stay mad for long after a show, the lingering adrenaline still tearing its way through his veins; Yixing will dwell over little things, like how smoothly the guitar chords transitioned between verses and the chorus, but he's gotten better at quitting that, stopped overthinking the music and started living it. Jongdae eats the crowd's adoration up and sings it back ten times better - there's nothing like it.
Chanyeol himself comes barreling over to join the hugs and congratulations, Jongdae at his elbow, and it's somehow tacitly decided that they'll hit the club tonight, get drunk out of their minds because there's no show tomorrow. Might as well spend the bus ride of the next leg of their tour sleeping off their hangovers. "You guys have deserved it," Minseok, their manager, adds as he hands Lu Han his wallet. "It's been a great tour so far."
"We'll only do better," Jongdae pitches in from behind Lu Han, reaching over to snatch his own wallet out of Minseok's hand. He's out the door fast, Chanyeol's arm over his and Baekhyun's shoulders as they head out first. It's a familiar sight, the three of them together. Sometimes Lu Han laments to himself the day they met and Coma was signed to the same label as Aimless Own, because Baekhyun has made Chanyeol and Jongdae into absolute troublemakers.
He goes with Yixing and Zitao and Kris, and they drag Minseok along, too, even though Minseok really doesn't care when girls hit on him. Zitao preens under the attention, though, from both the girls and the boys, so he's excitedly bouncing down the block as they walk from the lot where the buses are parked to the club. He's dressed the best as always, eyes perfectly lined and the cuts of his body accentuated just right. By the time they're inside, he's off to the bar, and Lu Han sees a boy wearing a backwards snapback cap buying him a drink in minutes. Typical Zitao.
"Let's dance?" Yixing yells into his ear over the pop music. Lu Han notices Kris and Minseok making their way through the crowds to the bar, too, and turns to nod at Yixing.
It's hot and sweaty, the crush of people all around them, but Lu Han knows it well and has learned to ignore it; clubs are the same no matter where they go. Unsurprisingly, Yixing dances all too well, rolling his body and gyrating his hips to the pop beats in a way that has some stranger whistling in appreciation, the perfect balance between filthy and skilled. He's so goddamn good at composing and playing the guitar that even Lu Han will forget how amazingly he dances, but he quickly remembers now. There is never a lack of admiring eyes when Yixing hits the dance floor.
But Lu Han is good enough to hold his own next to Yixing, and he enjoys himself in this mess of people who don't know him, don't know about his backstory or about the troubles strapped to his back to weigh him down. They just dance, and sometimes there's a passing touch to his shoulder or hip or back, and Lu Han loses himself in the music in another way. It feels good. Aimless Own isn't exactly the type to play pop music, since they're not a mainstream band and all, but the beat is catchy and Lu Han can't complain.
Eventually, they tire, and navigate their way back out of the crowd to join the others at the bar: Kris and Minseok are still there and have been joined by Kyungsoo, the three of them drinking and talking animatedly, and Zitao is flirting shamelessly with someone who's probably not the first guy he roped in. Poor Backwards Cap Guy. "Could really use a drink right now," Lu Han says as he joins them, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Yixing plops down heavily in the seat beside him, out of breath but happy.
Kyungsoo catches the attention of the bartender to order his and Yixing's drinks, and Lu Han gives him a thankful smile. He would join their conversation, but Zitao is scrambling to introduce his new friend, "Lu Han! This is Soryong! He bought me this really nice drink."
"Hey, nice to meet you," Lu Han says with a friendly smile. It's always better to humor Zitao, and tonight's pick is really cute. Tall and muscular with a great smile, the way Zitao likes it.
"He has a twin," Zitao whispers into Lu Han's ear, too loudly; Soryong is sure to have heard, but doesn't seem to mind the slightest.
"Sounds good," Lu Han whispers back. "Double the trouble."
Zitao winks at him and turns back to Soryong, placing a hand deliberately on Soryong's arm as he dials up the charm. That frees Lu Han up to tune into what the others are talking about, putting in his two cents between sips of his drinks until the other three come back, tousled and bright-eyed. There's what's probably the most outrageous lipstick kiss mark on Jongdae's cheek, bright pink and smudged around the edges, and Baekhyun falls apart in laughter when Yixing asks them about it curiously.
"It's a long story," Chanyeol tells them seriously, but his eyes are laughing, too. They wedge into seats and order drinks, too, and somehow Baekhyun ends up between Lu Han and the rest of Aimless Own while the other two find seats by Kris and Kyungsoo.
At one point, Baekhyun nudges him in the side, and Lu Han looks over at him to ask, "What is it?"
"Cheers," Baekhyun replies - his voice soft enough that it most likely would've been drowned out by the sounds of the club around them if his mouth hadn't been right next to Lu Han's ear - and holds up his glass to clink it against Lu Han's. They down the rest of their drinks all at once, and Lu Han lets Baekhyun order them another round of the same.
When Baekhyun hands him his new drink and lets his hand drop on Lu Han's thigh, Lu Han knows it isn't an accident. Touches like these are never an accident with Byun Baekhyun. From the way he leans forward as if he's so very engaged in what the others are talking about, to the way his hand applies pressure, his long, elegant fingers squeezing slightly. Yeah, no accident. Lu Han's learned to read Baekhyun like a book when it comes to this, and now it's his move.
Maybe someone smarter, someone more self-preserving, would've made a different decision but the alcohol hums in his veins to replace the stage's leftover adrenaline and he finds himself thinking Why not?. Lu Han leans forward, puts his half-empty glass down on the counter, and catches Baekhyun's eye with a glance to the side.
"Bathroom," Baekhyun mouths, the smirk back to tease at him as the lights of the club play in colored stripes across his face, and Lu Han stands to leave first.
Once in the dimly lit bathroom, Lu Han slips into the handicapped stall and sits on the toilet seat gingerly, wobbling until he finds his center of balance. It was a little harder to walk than he expected it to be - he didn't realize he'd been drinking so much until he stood and tried to move forward, but he's pretty sure he's still in control. The door of the bathroom stall is shut behind him, but not locked, and he could probably count off the minutes until Baekhyun appears to push it open by now. It doesn't seem to matter what city they're touring in or what club they've visited. This scene always remains the same, playing on loop because Lu Han can't bring himself to hit the stop button.
The fleeting certainty Lu Han felt before, surrounded by the warmth of his friends and his glass in his hand, begins to slip away, and he has an oddly sober moment of what the hell am I even doing here. It's quickly dispelled when Baekhyun shows up, though.
"Heeeeere comes trouble," Baekhyun announces as he walks in, too loud, and Lu Han snorts.
"Way to set the mood," Lu Han says, standing up to meet him but then thinking better of it, staying in place. It's easier to just let himself be caught up in Baekhyun's flow, right? Their banter is something he recognizes, and he slips into it, meeting Baekhyun's gaze.
Baekhyun gives him a grin, smug. "Didn't know you were so high maintenance."
"Shut up and get over here," Lu Han retorts, and after that, they kind of just fall into each other. It's easy, it's always easy like this, with Lu Han's back against the wall even though there's a coat hook digging into his spine, Baekhyun's mouth hot against his neck as they rut against each other. This time, their stage outfits are long gone, and Baekhyun slides Lu Han's simple t-shirt up with a confidence Lu Han has worked hard to emulate in return, even though he'd never admit it. When Lu Han fights to undo the button of Baekhyun's skin-tight jeans, Baekhyun laughs breathlessly.
"We in a hurry or something?" he asks, tipping his head back with a near-silent moan when Lu Han finally gets his hand down Baekhyun's underwear and starts jerking him off.
"No," Lu Han says automatically, even though he is driving the pace at this point; they aren't in a hurry, but for some reason, he is, and he hates how Baekhyun can sense that. But Baekhyun's hand still moves to match his pace, and he curls in at the sensation of Baekhyun's touch, pressing his forehead to Baekhyun's shoulder and vaguely wondering where Baekhyun's jacket went, the one with the pointed golden studs against black leather on the shoulders.
It feels good. Whatever they have between them jumps between being too simple and too complicated - simple in the slide of palm against cock, pleasure trembling through Lu Han's body all the way to the tips of every nerve (sharp and electric on the tail-end of the alcohol buzz), but complicated in the way Lu Han doesn't even know whether or not he can kiss Baekhyun. They've never talked about that, Baekhyun's face still buried against Lu Han's neck where he muffles that whine he does when he's close to coming. Lu Han leans his head back against the wall behind him and just tries to touch release, because at least he knows that, he knows what Baekhyun likes best.
"Shit, Lu Han," Baekhyun gasps out finally, his other hand slipping from the soft skin of Lu Han's side to grip his hip. White streaks down Lu Han's knuckles, smears on Baekhyun's stomach where his shirt has ridden up under Lu Han's other hand, and Lu Han quickly follows in suit, biting against Baekhyun's name as he comes.
Lu Han and Baekhyun go back to the bar once they're decent. It seems no one noticed them go, and upon their return, Zitao seizes Lu Han's attention immediately to introduce Soryong's twin brother, Daeryong. Even taller, even more muscular. Zitao's struck gold tonight.
ϟ
As predicted, the hangovers are killer the next morning, the medicine box repeatedly raided for Advil and everyone wincing collectively whenever the bus jostles them too much.
"Let's never do that again," Jongdae groans from one of the bunks above Lu Han.
Chanyeol calls in reply from the other side of the hallway - which isn't really that far away, considering how cramped they are in the tour bus, "That's what we say every time, man. It hasn't happened yet."
"Then it should," Jongdae whines back. He shifts, and the mattress creaks quietly overhead.
In the bunk directly across from Lu Han's, Yixing is completely wiped out, dead to the world, probably exhausted from throwing up sometime on the way home. Minseok most likely is sprawled across the couch along the back of the bus. It doesn't seem like anyone is there to both Lu Han, especially when Jongdae falls silent and Chanyeol drifts off again, so Lu Han is left to his own thoughts, his own accompanying headache. Maybe they really need to start listening to Jongdae around here. Maybe they should just go to clubs less.
Maybe he doesn't know how to read the book that is Byun Baekhyun, Lu Han thinks to himself, face pressed against his pillow. Maybe all he's ever known is the outside cover, the title page, but never made it into the chapters of the body. The meat of the story. He can read the broadcasted signs, but it's only what Baekhyun wants to tell him and nothing more; he can touch him, make him feel good, and then it ends there, a silent clean-up with rough paper towels before they're heading back into the club, masks back on. Masks never off. And all he knows is exactly what everyone else does, because Baekhyun never hesitates to recount how he threw everything away for Coma. Hours practicing, going against his parents' wishes, step by step taking him to now, where he's the main vocalist of Aimless Own's opening act.
It's almost like cheating, or something. Lu Han spent so much time sneaking around behind his parents' back, making up Hackathons to attend concerts with Yixing, the best friend they never even knew he had. One look at Yixing and his baggy sweaters, the guitar slung over his back and his fingers stained with ink from yet another session of songwriting, and they would've turned up their nose and never spared him a second thought. But there was something in the way Yixing looked up at Lu Han in surprise when Lu Han stumbled into his adopted practice room - Lu Han had been searching for a piece of equipment for the tech crew of their university's musical theater department - but smiled at Lu Han's apology and invited him to stay. Even then, Lu Han was keeping secrets from his parents, lending his time to Tech or to the music majors selling tickets every evening leading up to a concert, just so he could hear the orchestra rehearsing. Rather than kick him out of what Lu Han could tell immediately was his safe, happy place, Yixing pulled Lu Han in, put his own precious guitar in Lu Han's lap and guided his fingers to the right places of the strings.
After that, it was too easy for Yixing to coax out Lu Han's love for music, one kept tightly under wraps in the face of parents who pushed him towards computer science, something respectable for a secure future. Yixing and Jongdae had sparked Aimless Own (though at the time it was still unnamed), and found Chanyeol, a drama major, to play the drums. "We need one more voice," Yixing begged Lu Han, curling his delicate hands into the fabric of Lu Han's jacket and tugging urgently. "One more and then we can start going places."
"I can't," Lu Han said reluctantly. He can still remember the moment vividly, Yixing dropping by Lu Han's dorm room. His computer was open beside him, one of his coding labs open and due in less than two hours that night. His music was still playing on his iPod, albeit for no audience, because he always forgot to pause the song when he took out his earbuds.
"Lu Han," Yixing pleaded. "Please? I know you want it, you know?"
"What?" Lu Han replied, too fast, heartbeat picking up even though this was Yixing. This was Yixing, who probably understood Lu Han better than anyone, even though they had been friends for much shorter than Lu Han had lived with his parents.
Yixing's hands found his, and they clung. "I wrote the vocalist parts in the songs for you," Yixing said, completely serious. "I know I never asked you for this until now, but the way you look when you sing, ge. Please do this with us."
"But my degree," Lu Han tried. He glanced at his computer, the timer ticking down, and thought about how much code he still had to go. And even after this lab, there would be another, and another, and then he would graduate in a couple years and then it would be more lines of code for the rest of his days no matter what cubicle he sat in. It had never seemed more frightening to follow the path his parents had painstakingly laid out for him.
"But your love for music," Yixing said softly. "It's not something you should waste."
Lu Han turned him away that day, but the next Wednesday, when he knew the band was supposed to be in the music wing, he gathered his things and walked from his dorm to their practice room, feeling like he was growing both lighter and heavier with each step. He was the only precious son of the family, he needed to live up to his parents' expectations, he needed to make something of himself so they wouldn't have to worry about him - but then he pushed the door open with trembling hands, and Yixing's head snapped up to take in the sight of him. Jongdae and Chanyeol fell silent, the absence of their conversation taking up too much empty space in the air, but Lu Han appreciated that they weren't staring.
"Okay," Lu Han said, cutting Yixing off when he opened his mouth to speak. "You were right. Life's too short to do things we don't want, et cetera."
Yixing laughed, bright like the sun even though the night had long fallen upon them. "Knew you were meant for this," he said, words that Lu Han still turns over and over in his mind today, and welcomed Lu Han inside to sit next to him. Put his hands on his guitar again and strum the chords of what would someday become the first few lines of Time Control.
He might've chosen music - dropped his computer science major to a minor without telling home and pretending, somehow, that he needed to travel intensively for his new job straight off the bat after graduation, right around when Chanyeol snagged the best deal for a rental van he could manage to find - but in the end, it was more that the music had chosen him by muffling the voice of reason in his head that had always sounded like his mother. The boys had made it through a couple months before Lu Han's parents realized the truth: that their promising, promising son had recklessly thrown away a degree from such a prestigious university in order to chase a pipe dream of becoming famous for music. He's lost count of how many phone calls he was forced to hang up on when the deluge of disappointment and betrayal were too much, head aching and body weighed down with doubts (especially when Aimless Own was struggling to catch the attention of a handful of people in the nightclubs), and curled up against Yixing for hours and hours on end until he felt like there was any reason to keep trying.
There always is, though. As Aimless Own gets more and more popular, the obvious reasons blossom in the form of passionate fans and welcome banners and tears whenever someone runs into them in the streets. They fool the doubt for a little while, letting it subside. But then Lu Han sees the way Baekhyun gives his 100% and more to every time he steps onstage, how he has the fierce disapproval of his parents riding on his shoulders but he doesn't even care, doesn't even want to care. "I was never too good in school," he said once during a joint practice between Aimless Own and Coma, sticking his tongue out when Lu Han reflexively turned his head to listen to Baekhyun's conversation with Jongdae; he didn't tell Lu Han to stop listening, though. "So I don't think they're missing much. They just don't want me to make such a ruckus but I've always been loud. And shameless."
"So you didn't finish college?" Lu Han asked.
"Nah," Baekhyun shrugged. "Didn't feel like I needed to. All that time in class, I could've used to practice instead."
Lu Han had shrugged and turned away, unwilling to invade in a conversation he wasn't originally in any longer, but the words had stuck. Baekhyun had given up his future for the present entirely, pinned all of his hopes and dreams on this one chance, and he never looked back. He never looks back and it feels like every day there's a moment where Lu Han prepares for a stage with his hands shaking from a mixture of excitement and fear of messing up, or runs through his harmony part one more time and the notes stubbornly fall flat, or he can't seem to make himself get up in the mornings because they've just been going and going and going. And then he stumbles out of the bus and out for some rushed breakfast, and there's Baekhyun, eyes bright and determined, already in game mode and on top of things. And there just has to be a reason why Coma is opening for Aimless Own, or else it doesn't make sense, why Lu Han walks out to the loudest roar of the night with his bandmates as Coma hurries offstage, why he gets to have this but Baekhyun still has to keep fighting forward. Maybe he doesn't even deserve this.
"What are you thinking about?" Yixing asks him later that evening, when Lu Han is flopped face down on the couch along the back of the bus with the same thoughts rolling around restlessly in his head. He sits down and curls up next to Lu Han, nestling the side of his face against the curve of Lu Han's side to hip. Lu Han's been feeling kind of restless all day, imagining the residues of Baekhyun's body heat near his even though the club's dim bathroom is long gone behind them, but Yixing's touch has him feeling a bit better already.
"The usual," Lu Han mumbles. He hasn't told Yixing about whatever it is that he has with Baekhyun; as far as he knows, no one has found them out yet. "Dumb things. Worrying."
"That's my job," Yixing chides him, and yawns a little, even though he slept through most of the day. They're at a rest stop now, by themselves because Coma's bus ran a little behind schedule, but Lu Han didn't feel like going outside.
"Can't let you have all the fun," Lu Han says absently in reply, and Yixing laughs a little. They're quiet, and then Lu Han sighs and rolls onto his back, dislodging Yixing's head; Yixing automatically scoots so it's on Lu Han's stomach instead. "Sometimes… You know how sometimes it doesn't feel like you're doing the right thing with yourself?"
"What do you mean?" Yixing answers sleepily.
Lu Han sighs again, more loudly this time, even though it's melodramatic of him to do so. "I don't even know what I mean. I guess it's hard to remember I'm doing this for music when touring is so stressful. It'll be easier later."
After some maneuvering, Yixing lifts his arm and gently pats Lu Han's arm, the closest part of him that Yixing can reach. "I get it," he says, propping his face up on Lu Han's stomach so he can see Lu Han's face. "But it's not that bad, right? We'll be done, soon, and we can go back home. And you can help me write more songs."
"You know I'm no help with that," Lu Han says, smiling back at Yixing even if it's a little helpless. "All I do is nod whenever I think it sounds okay."
"That's good enough," Yixing tells him, sounding like he's going to fall back asleep any minute. Lu Han knows he still cares, though. Yixing always does. "Having you around makes it easier to write, too."
"Thanks, Xing," Lu Han says. He reaches out to touch Yixing's head, carding his fingers through the soft, brown hair at the back of his head, and lets Yixing fall asleep on him even though his leg is starting to fall asleep. It would be easy to shake Yixing awake again and spill out his thoughts, tell him about how he still regrets how his parents see him now even though it's been two years since the first phone call, his father's voice so cold it bit right down to the bone. Or tell him about how he and Baekhyun have this - this thing he can't stop thinking about, or how Baekhyun outdoes him in almost every way and it's not about Aimless Own versus Coma but it's about him, Lu Han, and how it aches every time he sees Baekhyun onstage from the wings because the way he drags each note out like he means it.
In the end, he falls asleep on the couch, too, and wakes up with a crick in his neck that aches every time he turns his head to the left. Baekhyun makes fun of him for it every time he winces during practice, Lu Han glaring at him every time Baekhyun cackles. "Why do I even spend time around you," he groans.
"You love me," Baekhyun says, batting his eyelashes, and Lu Han focuses on putting away his guitar in its case, so he doesn't have to meet Baekhyun's gaze.
ϟ
The tour continues. Baekhyun yelling into his mic to open the entire concert with Coma's best hit, Emergency continues; those lunchtime breaks where Chanyeol challenges Kris to another game of seeing who can spin their drumsticks longer continue; and the shock of adrenaline every time Lu Han steps out under those stage lights and opens his mouth to sing - that continues, too. Every time, even though they've performed this set more times than Lu Han can count on his ten fingers now. They settle into a pattern that Lu Han comes to love, finding moments where the guitar hums just right under his hands and a venue-full of screaming fans holds their breath to hear the line he sings next.
And then it breaks, of course, because the music industry is - at its core - unpredictable. It's the night before their third to last show, the tour almost wrapped up, when Lu Han wakes up one day at an hour so early it's ungodly, to find everyone huddled around Jongdae's side of the bus, a dry, hacking cough coming from Jongdae's cocoon of blankets.
"What's wrong?" he whispers, when Minseok passes by his bunk, looking exhausted. "Is Jongdae okay?"
"Sick," Minseok says, sounding resigned. "Down with some virus, it was bound to happen sometime since we're traveling so much and there's always so many people. His voice is shot, though. If we're lucky, he'll be able to make the last show, but definitely not this one."
"Voice?" Lu Han repeats. Jongdae's the main vocalist. If they don't have Jongdae, Aimless Own might as well not perform.
Since there's no way he's going back to sleep, Lu Han climbs out of bed, putting on his sweats before following Minseok outside into the chilly morning air. The sun has yet to rise, and Lu Han buries his hands in his pockets even as he shivers. Yixing and Chanyeol are already outside, Yixing having had noticed when Jongdae started feeling under the weather and woken Minseok up to ask him to check up on him.
"What do we do?" Chanyeol says eventually, breaking the heavy silence. The parking lot around them is dead silent, fog lining the ground and rising up in misty tendrils into the sky. It really is cold, Lu Han notices the tips of Chanyeol's ears are beginning to turn red.
Minseok shrugs, and runs his hands through his hair. "We could always cancel the show, or reschedule the rest of the gigs. But then we'd need to contact all of the people managing the venues, and give fans back so many refunds, and in general it wouldn't be good for the tour. Especially if this is how we're going to end it."
"We can't cancel the last three shows," Yixing says, upset. "We definitely can't do that."
"It's too late to reschedule," Minseok tells him, shaking his head. "It's too short notice, and it might not even have been possible even if we had known this would happen weeks ago."
"Surely there's another way!" Yixing bursts out, and Lu Han jumps, unused to hearing Yixing's usually gentle voice raised so loudly, so firmly. Chanyeol is watching Yixing with worried eyes, too, and he steps in to pull Yixing's hand away from where it won't stop worrying a loose pull on his soft sweater - pulling the loop out so everything starts to unravel from that one point. Yixing has poured so much of himself into this band and this tour in particular. When Minseok reaches out to touch Yixing's arm, in consolation, Yixing catches onto his hand and clings, eyes pleading, "Please, Minseok hyung."
"Why don't you have someone else step in for him?" a voice remarks from behind them, and Lu Han twists around in shock to see Baekhyun ambling towards them, his pajamas too thin in the morning cold and his face bare of make-up, surprisingly vulnerable-looking. Kyungsoo is beside him, looking crabby at having to be awake at this hour.
"What do you mean?" Minseok asks, eyeing Baekhyun. Even now, after years of working with Coma, Lu Han isn't too sure whether Minseok views Baekhyun as a bad kid, since he's often the one cleaning up the aftermath of Baekhyun's mischief, or whether he actually has a soft spot for the guy. Baekhyun does that, though - wriggles his way under your skin until you're always there for him, long-suffering or not.
Baekhyun cocks his head to the side and eyes Lu Han from over Minseok's shoulder. "I'm saying that guy over there knows Jongdae's parts as well as his own. I could give you guys Kyungsoo" - Kyungsoo huffs but doesn't protest - "and we'd still do the shows on time."
"Me?" Lu Han says, voice coming out too loud in the softness of the slow sunrise.
Yixing whirls around, latching onto Lu Han this time. "Please," he says immediately. "Please, please, ge, I know you won't like it but please - "
Lu Han's backing up before he knows it, shaking his head, both hands put up in surrender. "I can't," he says. "I definitely can't, I sound nothing like Jongdae, I could never hit the notes he does. I - I can't do it."
When Lu Han was still in high school, and participating in the school choir, his choir teacher had been quite fond of him and his determination to work hard and his affinity with whatever piece they encountered. But when the teacher attempted endless times to give him a solo part at the next concert, Lu Han turned her down time after time, smiling that polite "thank you so much, but I can't" smile so many times that he's perfected it by now. He appreciated it, yes, and he was honored to be recognized, but in the end, the spotlight just wasn't for him. It wasn't meant for his two feet. And he loves this new life he's crafted for himself, even if it scares him shitless; he loves practicing with Yixing and Jongdae and Chanyeol, and laughing helplessly as their jam sessions spiral away as Chanyeol veers off on some creative tangent and ends up coming up with the weirdest riffs. He loves the way Yixing can work those chords into their song like it was meant to be written this way, and how Jongdae hits the notes just right alongside them, and how all four of them bounce off of each others pre-performance energy until they're ready to tear it up onstage. But for Lu Han, singing as the main vocalist just isn't an option.
"Lu Han, maybe we could talk about this," Minseok begins, but Lu Han does the only thing he knows how to do at this moment. He runs for it.
What ends up happening is that he takes a circle around the edge of the parking lot, surrounded by a veil of fog that lifts and lifts gradually until the sun has dissipated it all. At first, it seemed like Minseok, or Chanyeol, were going to follow him, but Yixing held them back, let Lu Han have his space because ultimately, he understands Lu Han best. About halfway around the rectangle, Lu Han stopped and sat on a nearby tree stump, burying his face in his hands. He's sitting in the middle of nowhere - or at least that's how it is feels, an empty parking lot of a rest stop in the space between metropolitan cities - and there is a problem, and it would be so easy if he stepped in to fill in the solution.
The truth is, Lu Han never wanted fame or attention out of this path, knew it was inevitable if they were to succeed like they wanted but still he hoped that walking alongside Yixing and Chanyeol and Jongdae would be more than enough to balance out the rest. And he knows that there is a part of Byun Baekhyun that thrives, shines brighter than any spotlight cast upon him, and he's jealous of that. He kicks out at a pebble and watches it tumble away, leaving faint tracks in the dirt behind it. In due time, the wind will wipe those tracks all away.
By the time he gets back to the tour bus, it's empty, and Lu Han slips into the back to grab their binder of sheet music - mostly untouched nowadays, because they know their parts so well they could play them backwards, probably - and takes it back to his bunk, feeling as if he should be tiptoeing away as he smuggles something precious. Once hidden behind his curtain, he flicks on a lamp and slowly opens the binder to Jongdae's pages. The notes are as hard as he remembers them to be. One section in the bridge for one of their newer and most popular songs, Black Pearl, is especially difficult, and Lu Han recalls Jongdae practicing for weeks on end to nail it. Lu Han doesn't have weeks, he has days, hours counted down as their next concert day approaches. There's no way he can pull this off. There's no way.
Lu Han's on the couches in the back of the bus once again, picking absently at a loose thread on the arm of the seat he's in as he reviews lyrics. Or, as well as he can review them when he isn't even looking at the bars of music, too preoccupied with his own thoughts. Upon returning to the tour bus the night before, he'd found Minseok and quietly told him that he was sorry, he really was, but his filling in for Jongdae wasn't an option. And there was the sense of disappointment again, tainting into his life, ruining the one thing his parents could not touch. He couldn't even do music right anymore.
The door of the tour bus bangs open and Lu Han doesn't bother glancing up, with the curtain in place that divides the rest of the bus from the back "room" where Minseok works, and where Yixing and Lu Han like to take naps. It's a safe place.
"What the hell?"
Lu Han startles, accidentally knocking his elbow against the corner of the couch and biting back a curse at the resulting jolt of pain. "Baekhyun?" he says in disbelief, recognizing the voice at once, and for a second, he considers standing up to meet him. He stays seated, but also stays on guard, holding the sheets of lyrics in his hand like a lifeline.
"What the hell," Baekhyun hisses again, nearly brimming over with his outrage. This is the first time Lu Han has ever seen Baekhyun so angry, and he's witnessed enough tantrums in the past as it is. As always, his presence fills the room, threatening to suffocate Lu Han if he isn't careful; it feels wrong to have Baekhyun here, his energy and his volume sealing them in, chasing away the placid calmness of what this room should represent. It throws Lu Han off-kilter more than Baekhyun ever has before. "Why didn't you do it? You could've sang Jongdae's parts!"
"I'm not Jongdae," Lu Han says flatly, without looking up from the papers in his hand and hoping beyond hope that Baekhyun won't notice he's trembling ever so slightly, the pages vibrating. "I'm not main vocalist material. If we did that, we wouldn't have had the side vocal and harmonization, anyways, so we would've still been lacking."
Baekhyun grabs Lu Han by the collar of his shirt and practically drags him upright off of the couch, getting in his face as he yells, "What's wrong with you? You could've had Kyungsoo, you would've done amazingly - you still can! What's your problem?"
"Jongdae's better than me!" Lu Han shouts back, suddenly and irrationally so angry at feeling like this, at Baekhyun sauntering into his life like he knows exactly how it feels to be in Lu Han's shoes. "It's not like I don't try and it's not like I'm not practicing, but sometimes, Baekhyun, we have to face the facts. Not everyone is like you, okay? I couldn't have pulled it off!"
"What the fuck, Jongdae's better than me, too," Baekhyun says furiously. "It's not like I don't know that. But I'm still main, and I still work my ass off to do the best job of the main vocalist I possibly can. And you can't just back out without trying for it."
"Shut up," Lu Han snaps. "We can't all be like you, okay? We can't all be fucking brave enough to give up everything to do what we actually want. Maybe sometimes people aren't strong enough." He hates this, how Baekhyun is the one preaching to him or something when he doesn't know at all. Once Kyungsoo had remarked to Lu Han in an aside that it was interesting how he and Baekhyun reflected each other, almost, with their similar styles in performing; it wasn't until Kyungsoo recruited Kris and Zitao to help him come up with a list of similarities - hand gestures, the way they hold their mics, the way they look when they "make eye contact with an unfortunately fortunate girl in the audience" - before Lu Han agreed reluctantly. So maybe they did mirror each other, but only superficially, the way labelmates or bandmates sometimes will if they spend enough time together. Because Baekhyun is just as good as Jongdae in so many ways, so good but just raw, seamlessly filling in the gap with the strength and confidence in himself knowing he can do his part. And then there's Lu Han, and he's fine with being the supporting role, honestly, filling in the melody with the harmony so the sound comes out just right. Tying all the loose ends together, making sure there's nothing Yixing has forgotten, blending the sounds - he enjoys that.
But there's still a part of him that looks at Baekhyun and thinks he could be that. Fearless, and daring, running to the edge of the stage with a wild cry as the fans scream back.
"You're scared," Baekhyun says at last, finally lowering his voice. "You're fucking scared."
"So what if I am," Lu Han says. He pushes Baekhyun away but Baekhyun refuses to budge, shifting his grip from the fabric at Lu Han's throat to grasping his shoulders.
"You know, the first time I went onstage, it was in middle school for the talent show and Coma was only a faraway dream. I didn't even have a name for it yet, I just knew I wanted it," Baekhyun says, laughing a little even though nothing's funny, gripping onto Lu Han tighter. "I was so afraid my voice cracked twice, and I never thought I'd forgive myself for it afterwards."
"We're not in middle school anymore, Baekhyun," Lu Han retorts, but Baekhyun shakes his head, edging them back towards the couch.
"But I went back and participated in the show again the next year, and the year after that, and whenever I could in high school," Baekhyun insists. "If there was a mic and a place to stand, I was there. And the stage starts feeling like home. You still get nervous and you still don't want to mess up, but it starts feeling safer. You know?"
Lu Han stares into Baekhyun's face and resists the urge to shiver. This moment feels like something more than anything else they've had before, and they've been much more intimate than this before. Physically. "I know," he says finally.
"It'll be scary," Baekhyun says. "You don't think Jongdae's afraid every time before a show? I once found him having a breakdown backstage because the venue was one of the biggest ones we've ever hit. As much as he likes to seem collected, he's human, too."
"You're being too reasonable," Lu Han says weakly, and sits down heavily. "I don't know you anymore."
"I have my moments," Baekhyun says in singsong, and sits down next to him, close but not too close. No pretenses, no hints, no masks. Lu Han crosses his fingers in his lap, the sheets of lyrics now scattered across the floor, and stares at the pale skin stretched over each joint of his fingers until Baekhyun puts his hand over them. It's odd, to notice now how delicate-looking Baekhyun's hands are.
"I don't know what to do," Lu Han admits after a long moment of silence.
Baekhyun laughs, and this time, it kind of sounds like he means it. "Yeah, you do."
ϟ
"Hey, everyone, this is your one and only Aimless Own," Chanyeol says into the mic once Coma has left the stage, amps moved and mic stands adjusted in height. He pauses as the fans shriek as one, grinning broadly; this is the smile that has captured heart after heart. "You may have already noticed that we're missing Jongdae today."
The fans chorus sounds of sympathy and unhappiness, several boards flashing Jongdae's name in the audience visible in the darkness.
"Yeah, I know," Chanyeol says. "But he's on his way to a full recovery and the show must go on, so hopefully you all still remember Kyungsoo from Coma just now?" When the assent comes, he continues, "Good, because he'll be playing with us for a little longer. Standing in for Jongdae, then, is our very own Lu Han!"
Lu Han steps forward and waves a little, feeling trapped and liberated at the same time by all the eyes on him in this crucial moment, the cheers ringing out across the venue echoing. The usual, then. As Chanyeol returns to his place behind the drums, he finds the first chords of the song kicking off their setlist and brings the mic to his mouth. "Hope you enjoy the show tonight," he says, hoping beyond hope that his voice won't crack, he’s no longer a middle schooler. "Our first song is Machine."
While Lu Han might not have Jongdae's dynamic energy, leaping around the stage as the fans nearest scream their hearts out, he holds his own and by the end, when everyone chants his name for an encore, he thinks he might just cry. The choice for the encore stage is, of course, an obvious choice, with Chanyeol switching to his guitar and Yixing stepping up to perform a duet with Lu Han. All the lights in the audience, bobbing in unison, are a sight to behold indeed, and Lu Han is sad to see them all go out when the concert finally, finally ends.
Backstage is, as always, organized chaos. Now that the show's over, Lu Han finds himself more reckless afterwards than before, analyzing every song and every line in worrying whether or not they were good enough. There's no doubt that Jongdae would've done a better job, but there were spots where Lu Han could've covered better than Kyungsoo did, after all; these are their proper places. But at least there's this day, where Lu Han didn't disappoint the ones most important to him in the end, and Kyungsoo did fine in Lu Han's place, too.
"You were good," Baekhyun says from behind him, and Lu Han whirls around in surprise. The light from inside illuminates only Baekhyun's silhouette, his face too far from the light overhead outside to be of any use, but Lu Han can tell that he's changed out of his performance outfit already, for once. His sweatshirt looks soft, maybe cream-colored.
"Was I?" Lu Han replies. He laughs a little, sinking back against the wall and sliding down to sit on the ground even though he's getting his pants dirty. "I hope so. I hope I was good enough."
"You were," Baekhyun says firmly, squatting down to be on the same level.
Lu Han tilts his head back and stares at the night sky overhead; the stars always look different on each leg of their tour. "I think that might be the most frightening thing I've ever done in my life, maybe even scarier than telling my parents I was no longer doing CS," he says, laughing again because he doesn't know what else to do. His fingers hurt from playing the guitar - Jongdae likes to use hybrid picking, so Lu Han needed to compensate for the style change with Jongdae's parts - and the makeup on his face is probably smudged, but Lu Han finds he doesn't want to go back inside just yet.
Baekhyun doesn't reply, his face still cast in shadow. From the faint stripes filtering in from the door left ajar, Lu Han can see that his sweatshirt is cream after all, a sweet contrast against the blue denim of his jeans. It's been so long since he's seen Baekhyun in anything but pajamas or stage performance attire that he can hardly recognize him in this half-darkness; when they first started out, Lu Han personally thinks that Baekhyun searched for excuses to stay in these outfits, so he wouldn't have to let go of the feeling of performing until the very last minute.
"Well," Lu Han continues, half-talking to him and half-thinking out loud, "you were right."
"Of course I was, dumbass," Baekhyun mutters against the crook of his elbow.
Lu Han only nods, conceding the point, and tilts his head back against the wall with his eyes closed. The night air feels so clear and refreshingly cool, especially after the heated atmosphere of a concert, and Lu Han almost feels like he could soak in it, it's so nice. He nearly drifts off to sleep when he senses Baekhyun shift and stretch beside him, kissing the corner of his lips.
His eyes fly open and he sits up, staring at Baekhyun even as the other boy refuses to meet his gaze, despite being the one to initiate things. "Baekhyun?"
"What," Baekhyun grumbles self-consciously.
"What was that," Lu Han prompts, but the smile is so obvious in his voice he's surprised Baekhyun can't hear it. He coaxes Baekhyun into lifting his face reluctantly and then gives the kiss right back, reckless and messy this time, until Baekhyun is cupping Lu Han's face between his hands despite how the eyeliner is probably smudging everywhere.
"Took you long enough," Baekhyun whispers, and Lu Han only rolls his eyes before leaning back in to kiss him again.