Just... read...
Everyone wears a mask. Whether it be in the work place, in front of the family, friends. It's inevitable. But when you wear a mask for so long, that you yourself even begin to believe that the mask is real... That's when the problem begins to emerge.
Although I sit amongst friends at this very moment, it is almost as though I am in a world of my own. Is it the silence? Sure, silence is the reason why I'm writing this right now. I have nothing better to do with my time. Be warned, to those that are actually reading this. I will begin to ramble. At this point, I'm just typing out my thoughts, emotions. Everything that comes to mind.. Though I feel as though I should apologize now, I will not. After all... Entries are a way to vent, are they not?
Maybe that's all I need... An exit. A vent of some sort. A way to clear my head. It's been a while since I've done something like that... My mind is just reeling with thoughts and ideas and emotions...But even I know that would be a temporary fix. A very temporary fix..
I think... I think I'm just lonely. No. I know that I'm lonely. Even with my closest friends near me... I'm lonely. And even the bloody gods know I don't get out enough to have a real social life... I haven't met anyone new in ages... I've... attempted to go out and find people to socialize with.. Even if it's a one time thing. I'm just... so done with being alone.
A friend of mine from work had suggested I go out to clubs and such to mingle... But how am I suppose to get there? I lack a car. Not to mention, there is nothing out here. Nothing. The nearest place is in fucking NYC, and there's no way I'm going all the way out there on my own. At least, that is, until I turn 21 in two months. And that's another thing. I've mentioned this to my close friends... Taking a trip out somewhere... Going out to a club or the like... But clearly my thoughts haven't made much of a difference... My attempts. All wasted. The one doesn't like being around people, the other is shy as all hell, especially with complete strangers, and the third... I don't even know. He sure as hell doesn't seem interested.... Did I mention that my closest friends are all in relationships?
The three of them. Well, the two boys are together, and then the girl has a boy of her own... Can I just make mention as to how much I always feel like the 3rd or 5th wheel? I'm just... there. That's all I seem to be. And it drives me insane. I hate being single. To no end. I hate not having someone I can just...
I hate not having someone I can hold.. hug.. kiss. I miss that feeling to no end. Typing this... Typing this is nearly bringing me to tears, because it tears me up inside how much I hate this feeling. Only reason I'm not crying is because I am with with boys... I suppose I could just let it happen... Blame it on watching a sad video... But something tells me I wouldn't stop.. I kid you not.. Right now... If I were to receive a hug.. I would lose it. I would cave, and I know I wouldn't be able to keep the tears away...
I've held up this mask for so long... I'm surprised I haven't caved yet... I'm surprised my emotions haven't overwhelmed me to the point where I'm a sobbing mess yet. I can't imagine I can hold them in much longer... I'm amazed I've survived for this long...
I think.. I'm done for now.. This didn't seem to help much... But... It's better than keeping it all inside...
Although I sit amongst friends at this very moment, it is almost as though I am in a world of my own. Is it the silence? Sure, silence is the reason why I'm writing this right now. I have nothing better to do with my time. Be warned, to those that are actually reading this. I will begin to ramble. At this point, I'm just typing out my thoughts, emotions. Everything that comes to mind.. Though I feel as though I should apologize now, I will not. After all... Entries are a way to vent, are they not?
Maybe that's all I need... An exit. A vent of some sort. A way to clear my head. It's been a while since I've done something like that... My mind is just reeling with thoughts and ideas and emotions...But even I know that would be a temporary fix. A very temporary fix..
I think... I think I'm just lonely. No. I know that I'm lonely. Even with my closest friends near me... I'm lonely. And even the bloody gods know I don't get out enough to have a real social life... I haven't met anyone new in ages... I've... attempted to go out and find people to socialize with.. Even if it's a one time thing. I'm just... so done with being alone.
A friend of mine from work had suggested I go out to clubs and such to mingle... But how am I suppose to get there? I lack a car. Not to mention, there is nothing out here. Nothing. The nearest place is in fucking NYC, and there's no way I'm going all the way out there on my own. At least, that is, until I turn 21 in two months. And that's another thing. I've mentioned this to my close friends... Taking a trip out somewhere... Going out to a club or the like... But clearly my thoughts haven't made much of a difference... My attempts. All wasted. The one doesn't like being around people, the other is shy as all hell, especially with complete strangers, and the third... I don't even know. He sure as hell doesn't seem interested.... Did I mention that my closest friends are all in relationships?
The three of them. Well, the two boys are together, and then the girl has a boy of her own... Can I just make mention as to how much I always feel like the 3rd or 5th wheel? I'm just... there. That's all I seem to be. And it drives me insane. I hate being single. To no end. I hate not having someone I can just...
I hate not having someone I can hold.. hug.. kiss. I miss that feeling to no end. Typing this... Typing this is nearly bringing me to tears, because it tears me up inside how much I hate this feeling. Only reason I'm not crying is because I am with with boys... I suppose I could just let it happen... Blame it on watching a sad video... But something tells me I wouldn't stop.. I kid you not.. Right now... If I were to receive a hug.. I would lose it. I would cave, and I know I wouldn't be able to keep the tears away...
I've held up this mask for so long... I'm surprised I haven't caved yet... I'm surprised my emotions haven't overwhelmed me to the point where I'm a sobbing mess yet. I can't imagine I can hold them in much longer... I'm amazed I've survived for this long...
I think.. I'm done for now.. This didn't seem to help much... But... It's better than keeping it all inside...