tired
i guess the christmas holiday wiped me out.
i slept most of today and only started to feel 'awake' after 9pm.
yesterday, i asked alan if there was anyone he wanted to see and i would call them.
through a Q&A of sorts he managed to relay to me that there was a girl, possibly from highschool, possibly that he had dated, that he would like to see.
i listed off some names, but either he didn't remember or none of them were correct because he kept shaking his head no.
today, joy said she would come over tomorrow and help but would call first so she didn't wake me.
alan said 'just come over early.'
it made me, embarrasingly, frustrated.
i asked him why he wouldn't let me sleep in, that it was challenging enough, what he needed that i didn't do...
then i walked away for a moment.
this seems like a small thing, but it hurt me.
i know it shouldn't have--that it is probably the 'tumor talking'--but i am trying so hard and getting so tired.
everyday is a nightmare.
something 'new' happens everyday...some other thing to look out for, some new quirk to learn or decipher, some other thing i feel guilty about...
i start thinking about having to complete the work for my classes and then going back to school.
i start to think about how i am going to support the family.
i start to think about what is going to happen...
i don't know how long this process takes...but alan seems to be improving. not able to walk, or even stand, just improving to the point he was shortly before the pneumonia.
it hurts to know i only have to go through him getting really ill again and watching his body get sicker and sicker...
and i know i am selfish.
i know this entry is all about me.
i asked alan if he knew how long he had been here, in the hospital bed, at home.
he said 'three weeks.'
he also started talking about getting better, like this is only temporary.
he reached up and was 'grabbing' for something.
his mom was here.
i asked what he was reaching for and he said his "easter" something.
truly, this is like a dali painting.
everything has taken on a surreal coating--like 'reality' is just below the surface and totally out of reach or understanding.
i am going to bed now.
goodness bless.
i slept most of today and only started to feel 'awake' after 9pm.
yesterday, i asked alan if there was anyone he wanted to see and i would call them.
through a Q&A of sorts he managed to relay to me that there was a girl, possibly from highschool, possibly that he had dated, that he would like to see.
i listed off some names, but either he didn't remember or none of them were correct because he kept shaking his head no.
today, joy said she would come over tomorrow and help but would call first so she didn't wake me.
alan said 'just come over early.'
it made me, embarrasingly, frustrated.
i asked him why he wouldn't let me sleep in, that it was challenging enough, what he needed that i didn't do...
then i walked away for a moment.
this seems like a small thing, but it hurt me.
i know it shouldn't have--that it is probably the 'tumor talking'--but i am trying so hard and getting so tired.
everyday is a nightmare.
something 'new' happens everyday...some other thing to look out for, some new quirk to learn or decipher, some other thing i feel guilty about...
i start thinking about having to complete the work for my classes and then going back to school.
i start to think about how i am going to support the family.
i start to think about what is going to happen...
i don't know how long this process takes...but alan seems to be improving. not able to walk, or even stand, just improving to the point he was shortly before the pneumonia.
it hurts to know i only have to go through him getting really ill again and watching his body get sicker and sicker...
and i know i am selfish.
i know this entry is all about me.
i asked alan if he knew how long he had been here, in the hospital bed, at home.
he said 'three weeks.'
he also started talking about getting better, like this is only temporary.
he reached up and was 'grabbing' for something.
his mom was here.
i asked what he was reaching for and he said his "easter" something.
truly, this is like a dali painting.
everything has taken on a surreal coating--like 'reality' is just below the surface and totally out of reach or understanding.
i am going to bed now.
goodness bless.