On the new road of life
Jackyl's B-Movie Review
Featuring:
Lisistrata (2002)
Note: This one's a little different than the others... Not only is it the first one I'm doing without SPF, this is also the first review to feature a European movie, and one with subtitles... It also makes fun of itself so there wasn't much room for my own snark in there. Lol. But still, enjoy!
Oh, and ANIMATED GIFS!
Starring: Oscar Jaenada, and a bunch of other Spanish actors who I’m sure are quite famous in Europe.
Plot: The war between Athens and Sparta has been going on for thirty years and the women are tired of it. They decide to lock themselves away and forego their ‘wifely duties’ until the war is over. This leaves the men with a very… unique problem. The gay communities of both cities come up with a mutually beneficial plan.
… What you’re probably thinking right now is totally right.
Warning! I don't know why you'd look at this during work... but yeah, this one's not really work safe, I tried to keep the screencaps as tasteful as possible. Also if you're violently anti-gay: 1) You're sneaky to have made it on my Flist... 2) You really won't like this.
Review thing:
Your first indication this movie doesn’t take itself seriously? Scenes of butch Greek men in armor set to disco music. I’m not even kidding. If it weren’t for that though, this would look like any other historic movie to be honest.
The production values are quite impressive.
So the lads are fighting one another, there’s blood, people are dying, good times.
After the battle we join two extremely effeminate men ogling the soldiers in what looks like an Ancient Greek equivalent of a high school locker room. Anyhoo our lads Potax and Harpix are there looking for their “Olympian God” of a man when their friend comes to them in a state: “What happened? Your make-up has run!” Potax exclaims to him. Their friend, Hepatitis (no, I’m not even joking, that’s his name) then regales them with his story. Basically he sneaked into the battlefield, found a wounded Spartan who mistook Senor Hepatitis for a woman. When he realized he’s actually a man he freaked out and throws Hepatitis’ tunic back at him and promptly dies.
“What a hair raising experience!” exclaims Harpix. “Of course,” replies Hepatitis, “Look at the dreadful state he left my tunic in.”
Scene change to a small home with Mirrina, an Athenian woman. Her husband is brought in on a litter, busted up, and the soldiers who bring him in giver her a form to sign that he was delivered and request him back in a matter of days (despite the fact both his arms are obviously broken). Lol. Mirrina tells her husband that he wasn’t supposed to get wounded that day ‘cause she has a meeting, so she leaves him in his pathetic state while he continues to whine like a child
(I’m thinking whoever wrote this got tired of her husband’s whining and wrote this script).
Now we’re at a secret meeting with a bunch of Athenian women. Here we’re introduced to the protagonist and namesake of the movie, Lisistrata.
The women are complaining there are no men at the ‘party’ and she simply replies with ‘why do we need men?’
There’s a loud knock at the door, Lisistrata opens it to find a squad of soldiers on the other side. They inform her that it’s forbidden to party, but she plain doesn’t care. They of course try to insinuate themselves into the party, stating that they have to deal with the cold nights patrolling the city (nothing like those blistering cold nights in Athens GREECE). Lisistrata is awesome and promptly shuts the door in their faces.
Meanwhile, at the city gates, three women ask to come into the city, but the guards there refuse, assuming they’re Spartan spies.
The women then start dancing around and basically flashing the guards, who of course think with their downstairs brains and follow them in to the bushes where the women kick their asses.
Back at Lisistrata’s party, there’s a knock at the door again, this time it’s the three women from before, indeed Spartans, and friends of Lisistrata’s. They greet each other with a heartfelt “Women in Power!” and a most interesting secret ‘handshake’.
Ahem.
Anyway, they introduce themselves to the other girls and Lisistrata tells them of the plan they came up with which is to occupy the Acropolis.
The next morning we see a line of soldiers walking down the road to some very swanky techno-ish music. The Councilor of Athens, Ajax is with them. They come to a stop at the entrance of the Acropolis and Ajax is basically like: WTF? Why are all the women holed up in there? The soldiers inform him that a group of “rabid women” have locked themselves in there. The girls show themselves to the arguing men and Lisistrata introduces herself to Ajax. He doesn’t have a clue who she is so one of his soldiers informs him of her various supposed exploits. One of which is being behind the rise of the price of cheese. Lol. Anyway, the ladies inform the men of their oath that no man shall come near them, and that basically no one will have sex until the war is over. Ajax thinks they’re crazy and decides to attack them when his wife appears with the women in the Acropolis and he can’t bring himself to carry through.
That night we see the rest of the women packing their things and moving out to the Acropolis properly. The men, of course, are being whiny babies about it, one of whom (a general no less) runs through the streets after his wife before realizing he’s nekkid and slinking back home.
I can see your doodle!
At the Acropolis a veritable flood of women are pouring in, two of which have news for Lisistrata. We see here in bed with her friend, Lampito, from Sparta.
They’re friendly.
Anyhoo, the news from the city is… big. Like, literally. All the guys walking around are tenting their tunics, shall we say?
Is that a short sword in your tunic or are you just happy to see me?
In the city, a couple of soldiers inform Ajax they’re ready to fight, but… considering the condition of the men, they’re not entirely sure they should head out there. Ajax, sporting his own problem, tells them they’re pansies and sends them out anyway. On their way out, they pass by Ajax’s not so sneaky spy.
You don't see me!
Said spy informs Ajax that basically, the Spartans are having the same problem.
Elsewhere, the troops are marching out and our band of merry gay men are back to ogling them, commenting on all the “homos erectus”.
They think something weird is going on, when one of them informs the others of what the women are up to. Hepatitis wonders why the men don’t just handle the problem themselves (i.e. masturbate), which is basically what I was wondering myself. The previous guy says: “We’re talking about he-te-ro-se-xu-als” ‘cause I guess in ancient Greece that made a difference.
In the market of the city we see the men wandering around like zombies. Apparently it’s been three weeks of no sex and they clearly can’t function. A couple of ladies are there getting provisions and a multitude of looks from the crowd of men.
Things are going great for the ladies in the Acropolis, they’re basically having one big party. Outside, we see Mirrina’s husband again, dragging his son with him trying to concoct a story to get her out of there. Of course it doesn’t work and she just ends up taking the kid back inside with her while getting information from her husband.
Not for his lack of trying to get her to stay though.
The next day things are going even worse for the guys and when one of the ladies tries to buy something from a vendor, Mr. Prostatus, he goes a little crazy and tries to have his way with her. Two other women come to her rescue. Back at the Acropolis they have a meeting about this latest turn of events. The women are worried about what will happen to them at this rate and Lisistrata tells them all to move in to the Acropolis so not a woman is left in the city. Not everyone is certain about the plan anymore though, so an ultimatum of 15 more days is reached, if there is no peace by then, the women will surrender.
Back at the city, in the Adonis Club (the gay club), the gay lads are having a meeting of their own. Hepatitis comes in to find that, to avoid ridicule among the heterosexuals, a sculptor has mad a ‘simulator’ (basically a strap on) for them to wear under their tunics so it looks like they’ve all got hard-ons too. Hepatitis thinks they’re crazy for wanting to hide, he points out the various jobs the gay-boys do, ending on a general of the Athenian army. Hepatitis persuades the general to get him in to some secret military meeting.
Later that night, the soldiers are having said meeting. They’re trying to figure out a solution to the problem. The gay general speaks up and introduces “Intellectus” who is a doctor and sexologist, but of course it’s actually Hepatitis in an amazing fake beard and the “simulator” to help him fit in.
Insert pen0r envy. All the soldiers in the room keep staring at Hepatitis’ fake peen and then looking at their own.
"Aww...nuts"
Anyway, he tells them of his solution, which is to have sex with one another rather than suffer without women any longer. Of course the men are outraged at the suggestion of “becoming queer” but Dr. Intellectus helpfully points out that “scientifically imposed homosexuality” is not the same as being gay. XD They’re still opposed to the idea until the doc informs them that the Spartans have accepted the “scientifically imposed homosexuality.”
Next thing we see is a couple of generals in a dark room trying to figure out the mechanics of gay sex.
Lol.
They’re surprised the Councilor agreed to “Operation: Imposed Homosexuality” In the most manly manner as possible, they manage to get the job done.
Back at Adonis Club they gays are partying like it’s… 99? I dunno. They’re having fun celebrating the gayest night in Athens. To help, Hepatitis introduces a “pal from Sparta”, Domestos, from the Spartacus Radical Gay Front.
He makes quite an entrance. . .
FWOOSH! (You know the movie is insane when the actors are trying their hardest not to laugh.)
...and does things to the pillars and such…
just, yeah.
Lol, there aren’t words for it.
Anyhoo, elsewhere, Ajax’s spy wanders in to his bedchambers and informs him of the scientifically imposed homosexuality of Sparta as well. Both men still have their own problems though, so they, uh, deal with that…
*shrug* I'm down with that.
The next morning the Athenians are a bunch of chipper fellows, if a little awkward with one another at first, heading off to battle.
The three gay boys are wandering through the streets, Hepatitis is off to play family with someone, Potax has a meeting with Domestos in the baths, ahem, and poor little Harpix is afraid to approach his “Olympian God” from the beginning of the movie for a little action. Eventually he nuts up and, well, things go good for him.
Over at the Acropolis things are nice and peaceful, except Lampito sees a squad of soldiers go by who are clearly not having issues anymore. Lisistrata has Sabrina, the general’s wife, to hop on over to town and see what the hell is going on.
Back in town, her husband, Thermos, and another general are lying in bed having a post coital chat. Sabrina arrives at her house to find the door locked and the men are like: Shit! The other general hides in a ginormous vase that happens to be in the room. She tries to sex him up but he’s just not interested anymore. She goes back to the Acropolis to inform the others and Lisistrata and Lampito decide to go to the city at nightfall to see what’s up.
They head into the city, sporting some more awesome fake beards, and come across a very lively Adonis Club, complete with gay club music.
Two Ouzos please...
At Ajax’s villa, a couple of soldiers skip in, holding hands...
No really, they actually skip in holding hands
... to inform him that Kleenex, the Councilor of Sparta is there to see him (yup, still not making up these names).
Aaand we’re back at Adonis and Lisi and her girlfriend find the Hepatitis regaling his boys about the stress of being a motherly figure in the household. Just then, Domestos arrives in his Tigger-like way, calling for more wine. Lampito informs Lisi who he is, Domestos of the Spartacus Radical Gay Front, the most famous Queen in all of Sparta! (His title just gets longer and longer…). He informs everyone that Kleenex has arrived to sign the Peace Treaty with Ajax. Cue gay club music and partying!
Lisi has seen enough and confronts Hepatitis about what’s going on to which he replies that at least they have peace now.
Back with Ajax and Kleenex, they’ve decided that since the soldiers are kissing rather than killing one another, they might as well sign for peace.
After that? Well, there’s pretty much sexin’s all over the city.
Domestos is a violent little thing...
Lisi and Hepatitis are hanging out, getting smashed in the midst of it all. In the morning, she and Lampito stumble back into the Acropolis, in a manner I’m sure many of us are familiar with after long nights of partying…
They inform the ladies that peace has been instated, but there’s some bad news. Before they can say, the horn that blew every morning to signal the start of battle can be heard in the distance. The women go to the roof to see what’s up.
It’s the bad news.
All the women head back to the city to find their husbands in bed with… husbands. Basically chaos ensues in the city.
Back with Lisi and Lampito in the Acropolis, they don’t know what to do since the women of both cities are furious with them at this point. They figure they’ll head off to the Island of Lesbos…
The End.
;)
This movie just can't be described. It's so hilarious and just out there. If you can manage to find it, give it a go, it's awesome.
Featuring:
Lisistrata (2002)
Note: This one's a little different than the others... Not only is it the first one I'm doing without SPF, this is also the first review to feature a European movie, and one with subtitles... It also makes fun of itself so there wasn't much room for my own snark in there. Lol. But still, enjoy!
Oh, and ANIMATED GIFS!
Starring: Oscar Jaenada, and a bunch of other Spanish actors who I’m sure are quite famous in Europe.
Plot: The war between Athens and Sparta has been going on for thirty years and the women are tired of it. They decide to lock themselves away and forego their ‘wifely duties’ until the war is over. This leaves the men with a very… unique problem. The gay communities of both cities come up with a mutually beneficial plan.
… What you’re probably thinking right now is totally right.
Warning! I don't know why you'd look at this during work... but yeah, this one's not really work safe, I tried to keep the screencaps as tasteful as possible. Also if you're violently anti-gay: 1) You're sneaky to have made it on my Flist... 2) You really won't like this.
Review thing:
Your first indication this movie doesn’t take itself seriously? Scenes of butch Greek men in armor set to disco music. I’m not even kidding. If it weren’t for that though, this would look like any other historic movie to be honest.
The production values are quite impressive.
So the lads are fighting one another, there’s blood, people are dying, good times.
After the battle we join two extremely effeminate men ogling the soldiers in what looks like an Ancient Greek equivalent of a high school locker room. Anyhoo our lads Potax and Harpix are there looking for their “Olympian God” of a man when their friend comes to them in a state: “What happened? Your make-up has run!” Potax exclaims to him. Their friend, Hepatitis (no, I’m not even joking, that’s his name) then regales them with his story. Basically he sneaked into the battlefield, found a wounded Spartan who mistook Senor Hepatitis for a woman. When he realized he’s actually a man he freaked out and throws Hepatitis’ tunic back at him and promptly dies.
“What a hair raising experience!” exclaims Harpix. “Of course,” replies Hepatitis, “Look at the dreadful state he left my tunic in.”
Scene change to a small home with Mirrina, an Athenian woman. Her husband is brought in on a litter, busted up, and the soldiers who bring him in giver her a form to sign that he was delivered and request him back in a matter of days (despite the fact both his arms are obviously broken). Lol. Mirrina tells her husband that he wasn’t supposed to get wounded that day ‘cause she has a meeting, so she leaves him in his pathetic state while he continues to whine like a child
(I’m thinking whoever wrote this got tired of her husband’s whining and wrote this script).
Now we’re at a secret meeting with a bunch of Athenian women. Here we’re introduced to the protagonist and namesake of the movie, Lisistrata.
The women are complaining there are no men at the ‘party’ and she simply replies with ‘why do we need men?’
There’s a loud knock at the door, Lisistrata opens it to find a squad of soldiers on the other side. They inform her that it’s forbidden to party, but she plain doesn’t care. They of course try to insinuate themselves into the party, stating that they have to deal with the cold nights patrolling the city (nothing like those blistering cold nights in Athens GREECE). Lisistrata is awesome and promptly shuts the door in their faces.
Meanwhile, at the city gates, three women ask to come into the city, but the guards there refuse, assuming they’re Spartan spies.
The women then start dancing around and basically flashing the guards, who of course think with their downstairs brains and follow them in to the bushes where the women kick their asses.
Back at Lisistrata’s party, there’s a knock at the door again, this time it’s the three women from before, indeed Spartans, and friends of Lisistrata’s. They greet each other with a heartfelt “Women in Power!” and a most interesting secret ‘handshake’.
Ahem.
Anyway, they introduce themselves to the other girls and Lisistrata tells them of the plan they came up with which is to occupy the Acropolis.
The next morning we see a line of soldiers walking down the road to some very swanky techno-ish music. The Councilor of Athens, Ajax is with them. They come to a stop at the entrance of the Acropolis and Ajax is basically like: WTF? Why are all the women holed up in there? The soldiers inform him that a group of “rabid women” have locked themselves in there. The girls show themselves to the arguing men and Lisistrata introduces herself to Ajax. He doesn’t have a clue who she is so one of his soldiers informs him of her various supposed exploits. One of which is being behind the rise of the price of cheese. Lol. Anyway, the ladies inform the men of their oath that no man shall come near them, and that basically no one will have sex until the war is over. Ajax thinks they’re crazy and decides to attack them when his wife appears with the women in the Acropolis and he can’t bring himself to carry through.
That night we see the rest of the women packing their things and moving out to the Acropolis properly. The men, of course, are being whiny babies about it, one of whom (a general no less) runs through the streets after his wife before realizing he’s nekkid and slinking back home.
I can see your doodle!
At the Acropolis a veritable flood of women are pouring in, two of which have news for Lisistrata. We see here in bed with her friend, Lampito, from Sparta.
They’re friendly.
Anyhoo, the news from the city is… big. Like, literally. All the guys walking around are tenting their tunics, shall we say?
Is that a short sword in your tunic or are you just happy to see me?
In the city, a couple of soldiers inform Ajax they’re ready to fight, but… considering the condition of the men, they’re not entirely sure they should head out there. Ajax, sporting his own problem, tells them they’re pansies and sends them out anyway. On their way out, they pass by Ajax’s not so sneaky spy.
You don't see me!
Said spy informs Ajax that basically, the Spartans are having the same problem.
Elsewhere, the troops are marching out and our band of merry gay men are back to ogling them, commenting on all the “homos erectus”.
They think something weird is going on, when one of them informs the others of what the women are up to. Hepatitis wonders why the men don’t just handle the problem themselves (i.e. masturbate), which is basically what I was wondering myself. The previous guy says: “We’re talking about he-te-ro-se-xu-als” ‘cause I guess in ancient Greece that made a difference.
In the market of the city we see the men wandering around like zombies. Apparently it’s been three weeks of no sex and they clearly can’t function. A couple of ladies are there getting provisions and a multitude of looks from the crowd of men.
Things are going great for the ladies in the Acropolis, they’re basically having one big party. Outside, we see Mirrina’s husband again, dragging his son with him trying to concoct a story to get her out of there. Of course it doesn’t work and she just ends up taking the kid back inside with her while getting information from her husband.
Not for his lack of trying to get her to stay though.
The next day things are going even worse for the guys and when one of the ladies tries to buy something from a vendor, Mr. Prostatus, he goes a little crazy and tries to have his way with her. Two other women come to her rescue. Back at the Acropolis they have a meeting about this latest turn of events. The women are worried about what will happen to them at this rate and Lisistrata tells them all to move in to the Acropolis so not a woman is left in the city. Not everyone is certain about the plan anymore though, so an ultimatum of 15 more days is reached, if there is no peace by then, the women will surrender.
Back at the city, in the Adonis Club (the gay club), the gay lads are having a meeting of their own. Hepatitis comes in to find that, to avoid ridicule among the heterosexuals, a sculptor has mad a ‘simulator’ (basically a strap on) for them to wear under their tunics so it looks like they’ve all got hard-ons too. Hepatitis thinks they’re crazy for wanting to hide, he points out the various jobs the gay-boys do, ending on a general of the Athenian army. Hepatitis persuades the general to get him in to some secret military meeting.
Later that night, the soldiers are having said meeting. They’re trying to figure out a solution to the problem. The gay general speaks up and introduces “Intellectus” who is a doctor and sexologist, but of course it’s actually Hepatitis in an amazing fake beard and the “simulator” to help him fit in.
Insert pen0r envy. All the soldiers in the room keep staring at Hepatitis’ fake peen and then looking at their own.
"Aww...nuts"
Anyway, he tells them of his solution, which is to have sex with one another rather than suffer without women any longer. Of course the men are outraged at the suggestion of “becoming queer” but Dr. Intellectus helpfully points out that “scientifically imposed homosexuality” is not the same as being gay. XD They’re still opposed to the idea until the doc informs them that the Spartans have accepted the “scientifically imposed homosexuality.”
Next thing we see is a couple of generals in a dark room trying to figure out the mechanics of gay sex.
Lol.
They’re surprised the Councilor agreed to “Operation: Imposed Homosexuality” In the most manly manner as possible, they manage to get the job done.
Back at Adonis Club they gays are partying like it’s… 99? I dunno. They’re having fun celebrating the gayest night in Athens. To help, Hepatitis introduces a “pal from Sparta”, Domestos, from the Spartacus Radical Gay Front.
He makes quite an entrance. . .
FWOOSH! (You know the movie is insane when the actors are trying their hardest not to laugh.)
...and does things to the pillars and such…
just, yeah.
Lol, there aren’t words for it.
Anyhoo, elsewhere, Ajax’s spy wanders in to his bedchambers and informs him of the scientifically imposed homosexuality of Sparta as well. Both men still have their own problems though, so they, uh, deal with that…
*shrug* I'm down with that.
The next morning the Athenians are a bunch of chipper fellows, if a little awkward with one another at first, heading off to battle.
The three gay boys are wandering through the streets, Hepatitis is off to play family with someone, Potax has a meeting with Domestos in the baths, ahem, and poor little Harpix is afraid to approach his “Olympian God” from the beginning of the movie for a little action. Eventually he nuts up and, well, things go good for him.
Over at the Acropolis things are nice and peaceful, except Lampito sees a squad of soldiers go by who are clearly not having issues anymore. Lisistrata has Sabrina, the general’s wife, to hop on over to town and see what the hell is going on.
Back in town, her husband, Thermos, and another general are lying in bed having a post coital chat. Sabrina arrives at her house to find the door locked and the men are like: Shit! The other general hides in a ginormous vase that happens to be in the room. She tries to sex him up but he’s just not interested anymore. She goes back to the Acropolis to inform the others and Lisistrata and Lampito decide to go to the city at nightfall to see what’s up.
They head into the city, sporting some more awesome fake beards, and come across a very lively Adonis Club, complete with gay club music.
Two Ouzos please...
At Ajax’s villa, a couple of soldiers skip in, holding hands...
No really, they actually skip in holding hands
... to inform him that Kleenex, the Councilor of Sparta is there to see him (yup, still not making up these names).
Aaand we’re back at Adonis and Lisi and her girlfriend find the Hepatitis regaling his boys about the stress of being a motherly figure in the household. Just then, Domestos arrives in his Tigger-like way, calling for more wine. Lampito informs Lisi who he is, Domestos of the Spartacus Radical Gay Front, the most famous Queen in all of Sparta! (His title just gets longer and longer…). He informs everyone that Kleenex has arrived to sign the Peace Treaty with Ajax. Cue gay club music and partying!
Lisi has seen enough and confronts Hepatitis about what’s going on to which he replies that at least they have peace now.
Back with Ajax and Kleenex, they’ve decided that since the soldiers are kissing rather than killing one another, they might as well sign for peace.
After that? Well, there’s pretty much sexin’s all over the city.
Domestos is a violent little thing...
Lisi and Hepatitis are hanging out, getting smashed in the midst of it all. In the morning, she and Lampito stumble back into the Acropolis, in a manner I’m sure many of us are familiar with after long nights of partying…
They inform the ladies that peace has been instated, but there’s some bad news. Before they can say, the horn that blew every morning to signal the start of battle can be heard in the distance. The women go to the roof to see what’s up.
It’s the bad news.
All the women head back to the city to find their husbands in bed with… husbands. Basically chaos ensues in the city.
Back with Lisi and Lampito in the Acropolis, they don’t know what to do since the women of both cities are furious with them at this point. They figure they’ll head off to the Island of Lesbos…
The End.
;)
This movie just can't be described. It's so hilarious and just out there. If you can manage to find it, give it a go, it's awesome.