smoosh
i've been a generally negative mood, lately. which is increasingly odd for me. pretty much everyone in knoxvegas is being a ho. soon they will all hear me yelling (because i'll be 2 inches from their face when i do it) for them to go fuck themselves.
i'd imagine that should give you all an understanding of how pissed off people are making me.
one of the things that has me mad is this...
i was at the bar with rachel a few days ago. there's this bartender who is very cute and extremely funny. well, apparently he told rachel that he things i'm cute and funny as well. since apparently another girl we know had a one night stand with him, when she heard me say that she later went to rachel and was all "he didn't really say that, did he?!"
what the fuck! am i not allowed to be cute? it is so fucking rare that a guy actually genuinly likes me. i mean beyond just wanting to fuck me for lack of someone better to fuck. for fucks sake, tho, if a guy has something nice like that to say about me, just let it be. i so rarely get a compliment of that nature, and regardless of how happy go lucky i act all the time, it doesn't change the fact that beneath that i have an incredibly bad view of myself. i don't necisarily think i'm ugly...nor do i say i'm fat. but i don't consider myself to be attractive and i am definatly without doubt overweight. i haven't had one single genuine relationship since i got to tennessee. i hate it. i hate that a don't even really have any friends that don't make me feel bad about myself.
granted i don't usually give a shit what anyone things, but when it gets to the point where i feel so fucking alone in the world that it feels like my heart i crumbling...i do start to care a little. there are certain things about myself i refuse to change, because they are an integral part of who i am. i just want someone to truely accept me and care about me without any strings attatched or any bullshit. without them walking all over me, or putting me down. i'm so tired of feeling so alone. i know that sounds stupid or whatever, but its how i feel. i feel like i'm constantly being walked on and taken for granted. i do everything i can for the people i care about, and more and more i find myself caring about fewer and fewer people, because so many of them don't care.
arg. i dunno. i don't know why i bother blogging this shit. i guess part of it is just letting it out, so it doesn't build up and cause me to explode. i think the other part is hoping that someday, someone is gunna say something that makes it tolerable. i would say that makes it ok, but i know thats unrealistic. i just hope one day someone will say something that makes it feel easier to deal with. i'm tired of hating myself. i try so hard not to let the way other people are make me feel that way, but its hard. its hard when there is so rarely any reinforcement to the contrary.
i just want someone who will come give me a hug and tell me that i'm so far from being worthless that its not even funny. i want someone to be willing to be a real friend. someone who goes out of there way for me, who ... to paraphrase khalil gibran, who doesn't seek me with hours to kill, but always with hours to live. in other words, not someone who talks with me when they have nothing better to do, but because they genuinly like spending time with me. i dunno...
my dad use to call me ridiculous. that always stuck with me, and made me feel horrible. it still does. i worry that the things i think and feel are ridiculous and stupid. erg. fuckit. i'm done now. the end.
On Friendship
And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
-khalil gibran
i'd imagine that should give you all an understanding of how pissed off people are making me.
one of the things that has me mad is this...
i was at the bar with rachel a few days ago. there's this bartender who is very cute and extremely funny. well, apparently he told rachel that he things i'm cute and funny as well. since apparently another girl we know had a one night stand with him, when she heard me say that she later went to rachel and was all "he didn't really say that, did he?!"
what the fuck! am i not allowed to be cute? it is so fucking rare that a guy actually genuinly likes me. i mean beyond just wanting to fuck me for lack of someone better to fuck. for fucks sake, tho, if a guy has something nice like that to say about me, just let it be. i so rarely get a compliment of that nature, and regardless of how happy go lucky i act all the time, it doesn't change the fact that beneath that i have an incredibly bad view of myself. i don't necisarily think i'm ugly...nor do i say i'm fat. but i don't consider myself to be attractive and i am definatly without doubt overweight. i haven't had one single genuine relationship since i got to tennessee. i hate it. i hate that a don't even really have any friends that don't make me feel bad about myself.
granted i don't usually give a shit what anyone things, but when it gets to the point where i feel so fucking alone in the world that it feels like my heart i crumbling...i do start to care a little. there are certain things about myself i refuse to change, because they are an integral part of who i am. i just want someone to truely accept me and care about me without any strings attatched or any bullshit. without them walking all over me, or putting me down. i'm so tired of feeling so alone. i know that sounds stupid or whatever, but its how i feel. i feel like i'm constantly being walked on and taken for granted. i do everything i can for the people i care about, and more and more i find myself caring about fewer and fewer people, because so many of them don't care.
arg. i dunno. i don't know why i bother blogging this shit. i guess part of it is just letting it out, so it doesn't build up and cause me to explode. i think the other part is hoping that someday, someone is gunna say something that makes it tolerable. i would say that makes it ok, but i know thats unrealistic. i just hope one day someone will say something that makes it feel easier to deal with. i'm tired of hating myself. i try so hard not to let the way other people are make me feel that way, but its hard. its hard when there is so rarely any reinforcement to the contrary.
i just want someone who will come give me a hug and tell me that i'm so far from being worthless that its not even funny. i want someone to be willing to be a real friend. someone who goes out of there way for me, who ... to paraphrase khalil gibran, who doesn't seek me with hours to kill, but always with hours to live. in other words, not someone who talks with me when they have nothing better to do, but because they genuinly like spending time with me. i dunno...
my dad use to call me ridiculous. that always stuck with me, and made me feel horrible. it still does. i worry that the things i think and feel are ridiculous and stupid. erg. fuckit. i'm done now. the end.
On Friendship
And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.
-khalil gibran