rantings
This makes no sense whatsoever. I only wanted to take this class for fun and it has ended up forcing me to reevaluate everything I am....shit. A word to the wise...never take a psych course unless you can keep it separated from your real life. I was not so lucky...we were asked to take a personality disorder test.......fuck. That was the first thought that went through my head. And again when I got the results. It makes me seem like a freak while everyone else in the world is normal....thats sort of how I feel now. That everything is wrong with me and everyone else is perfect! Of course I know that is completely untrue, but at the same time...is it? Why do so many other people I know have such a strong conviction of self and see such great confidence in me, yet when it comes to the task of sticking up for myself, I cower under the abysmal boulders that suffocate the very essence of reason and existence from my ever-searching, blind-folded soul. Is it too hard to ask to just have something be really easy to do?! Is it too hard to ask to get a proverbial break from this never ending child's play thing of a universe?
God things were going so greatly in my life when he came along. This one soul found a perfect little niche in mine and it worked well...at least when I stepped outside the frustration and disappointment and confusion of feelings. Ok, truth be told, things really sucked when he came around...in fact things always suck when they come around. I have finally realized the rut of my life. I cannot continue this charade of whatever it is I'm pretending to be.
The greatest memory I have is when I knew I had fallen.....you were walking down the hallway looking as dapper as you could...with such a beautiful smile on your face. You looked at me with gleaming eyes as I sat on the couch where I always waited for you...you kissed me and gave me a hug. It was one of the best moments we had.
What does one do when everyone tells you something you are doing is wrong and should no longer be? What do you do when what you are doing contradicts with what you know you should do? I've never been good at this, nor do I really think I ever will be. I suppose it is just easier for me to let them hurt me before I can ever hurt them and have that guilt hanging over my head. It is too hard to live when you know you have utterly ruined someones life for the moment. Most of them get over it and move on, just like I do when it happens to me, but of the ones I let go....a part of me still wonders was it too soon? Why do I let things get so ridiculously out of whack with reality?
I hate feeling disappointed, I hate feeling let down, I hate feeling like its all my fault all the time, I hate being guilt tripped even when it is not intentional, I hate sacrificing so much of my time to sit around and do nothing or stare at the TV, I hate not having what I want, I hate no knowing what I want, I hate that he doesn't answer his phone or keep it off vibrate, I hate that he does things that make me look like the ass, and I especially hate that he tells all his little cronies who then proceed to gossip about it when ever they feel...as if it as any fucking thing to do with them!!!!!!!!!! I want to scream so loudly because I'm so fucking sick of always being put down....I fish for the fucking compliment because otherwise you never fucking say a god damn thing! Do I not deserve someone who thinks I'm amazing?! Do I not deserve to be happy more than I'm sad? I am a good person, a happy person, a positive person but when your negativism rains on my parade all I do is sit and glower and wonder what the hell I did wrong. IT IS NOT MY FAULT ANYMORE! I will not take all the blame any longer! That is not what you do in relationships with anyone be it friend or lover. It should ALWAYS be 50/50.
And then there are the bitches who try to tell me how to run my life! Like there's is so fucking perfect just because you have a man who makes you happy and spends every waking minute of you. Yea well he doesn't have a fucking spine and lets you walk all over him so how fucking great is that? Why don't you take a good long look at your own life and stop butting in on mine. All i've ever asked from anyone was to just sit a while and be my friend. Is that so hard to ask? Am I so repulsive that no one wants to stay anymore? God what the fuck do I have to do to get a break around here?!!!
I went to bed so pissed off to high heaven last night and that is why I'm in a pissy mood. I have 2 finals this week that are stressing me out, family crap this saturday and then I walk on sunday...Yet again I get no weekend. After that it is all down hill until I go to France. That will serve as some relief I hope. Yet I know it wont. I will either be completely alone before I go or will be by the time I get back. I have nothing to look forward to after France. At least not relationship wise. My best friend deserted me and turned into psycho Bia, and the other people I hold near and dear to me don't EVER return my phone calls. The same concept applies to them too? Do I forget the people who won't return my phone calls and never ask to hang out with me or do I just wait for them to turn around and realize that here I am...its me... Baby in the corner.
What the FUCK happened to me?!!!!!!! I used to be this ball of never ceasing energy that could liven up anyone's day! Now I can't even break a smile when someone cracks a joke. I can ever lighten up my days. I miss it all...how I used to be in high school. I got hugs from everyone in the morning and throughout the day. I had friends...or at least people I called friend. I didn't need to have anyone to come home to because I had a great time at school. I hate school now because my job made it unbearable and difficult and sleep-less. I have no one to come home to because .....because no one can bear living with me. Apparently that is the immediate poison to every and all relationships that I have. Just live with me once and we'll never talk again! Problem solved. right.....instead of having a personality I am left with a disorder and dysfunctional existence.
God things were going so greatly in my life when he came along. This one soul found a perfect little niche in mine and it worked well...at least when I stepped outside the frustration and disappointment and confusion of feelings. Ok, truth be told, things really sucked when he came around...in fact things always suck when they come around. I have finally realized the rut of my life. I cannot continue this charade of whatever it is I'm pretending to be.
The greatest memory I have is when I knew I had fallen.....you were walking down the hallway looking as dapper as you could...with such a beautiful smile on your face. You looked at me with gleaming eyes as I sat on the couch where I always waited for you...you kissed me and gave me a hug. It was one of the best moments we had.
What does one do when everyone tells you something you are doing is wrong and should no longer be? What do you do when what you are doing contradicts with what you know you should do? I've never been good at this, nor do I really think I ever will be. I suppose it is just easier for me to let them hurt me before I can ever hurt them and have that guilt hanging over my head. It is too hard to live when you know you have utterly ruined someones life for the moment. Most of them get over it and move on, just like I do when it happens to me, but of the ones I let go....a part of me still wonders was it too soon? Why do I let things get so ridiculously out of whack with reality?
I hate feeling disappointed, I hate feeling let down, I hate feeling like its all my fault all the time, I hate being guilt tripped even when it is not intentional, I hate sacrificing so much of my time to sit around and do nothing or stare at the TV, I hate not having what I want, I hate no knowing what I want, I hate that he doesn't answer his phone or keep it off vibrate, I hate that he does things that make me look like the ass, and I especially hate that he tells all his little cronies who then proceed to gossip about it when ever they feel...as if it as any fucking thing to do with them!!!!!!!!!! I want to scream so loudly because I'm so fucking sick of always being put down....I fish for the fucking compliment because otherwise you never fucking say a god damn thing! Do I not deserve someone who thinks I'm amazing?! Do I not deserve to be happy more than I'm sad? I am a good person, a happy person, a positive person but when your negativism rains on my parade all I do is sit and glower and wonder what the hell I did wrong. IT IS NOT MY FAULT ANYMORE! I will not take all the blame any longer! That is not what you do in relationships with anyone be it friend or lover. It should ALWAYS be 50/50.
And then there are the bitches who try to tell me how to run my life! Like there's is so fucking perfect just because you have a man who makes you happy and spends every waking minute of you. Yea well he doesn't have a fucking spine and lets you walk all over him so how fucking great is that? Why don't you take a good long look at your own life and stop butting in on mine. All i've ever asked from anyone was to just sit a while and be my friend. Is that so hard to ask? Am I so repulsive that no one wants to stay anymore? God what the fuck do I have to do to get a break around here?!!!
I went to bed so pissed off to high heaven last night and that is why I'm in a pissy mood. I have 2 finals this week that are stressing me out, family crap this saturday and then I walk on sunday...Yet again I get no weekend. After that it is all down hill until I go to France. That will serve as some relief I hope. Yet I know it wont. I will either be completely alone before I go or will be by the time I get back. I have nothing to look forward to after France. At least not relationship wise. My best friend deserted me and turned into psycho Bia, and the other people I hold near and dear to me don't EVER return my phone calls. The same concept applies to them too? Do I forget the people who won't return my phone calls and never ask to hang out with me or do I just wait for them to turn around and realize that here I am...its me... Baby in the corner.
What the FUCK happened to me?!!!!!!! I used to be this ball of never ceasing energy that could liven up anyone's day! Now I can't even break a smile when someone cracks a joke. I can ever lighten up my days. I miss it all...how I used to be in high school. I got hugs from everyone in the morning and throughout the day. I had friends...or at least people I called friend. I didn't need to have anyone to come home to because I had a great time at school. I hate school now because my job made it unbearable and difficult and sleep-less. I have no one to come home to because .....because no one can bear living with me. Apparently that is the immediate poison to every and all relationships that I have. Just live with me once and we'll never talk again! Problem solved. right.....instead of having a personality I am left with a disorder and dysfunctional existence.