first entry, tears of realization
I can't believe that crying actually led me to a semi-profound idea, and here I am.
So two years ago I wanted to go to PLC for the Marine Corp, which is like bootcamp for aspiring officers, during their Junior year in college, yet they are not actually commissioned or sworn in until graduation from their school---at which point they can turn it down. It's non obligational and is perfect for people who are interested in maybe serving but don't think they have the support and the confidence that is exactly where they should be. I didn't go....a foot issue that prevented me from long disatnce running so I didn't follow through. It was more of a decisions to quit before I really started and was told that I couldn't go or having to stop half way through because of the injury. The foot problem subsided within a few months but it was too late for the program. I took it as a "it wasn't meant to be. everything happens for a reason" and didn't think that God had intended me to be in the Armed Services at that point. I toyed with the idea of possibly joining later, but I was graduating, applying to graduate school, being offered an opportunity to do something else for the government, ect. So I let life lead me through the corridor of opening doors and have still, to this point, kept my options completely open and have just tried to learn and experience as much as I could. I will be moving in about three months....I'll go into that some other time.
My boyfriend, and not just another "guy" but rather my ONE, has just left for OCS for the Marines. It has only been a few days and I am beside myself. I am NOT an emotional person, and very rarely cry, but I am extremely upset and cry every night before I go to sleep. Now OCS is in the US, is not a danger to his life, it is just a time that I will not have great contact with him. This makes no sense to my brain trying to figure out why I still cry. I mean we have not talked about marriage, even though I know we both have thought about it, because we both have to figure out what we are doing or wanting from out own lifes in a career sense, before we can 100% devote making a plan for us to work. I think that him leaving just has triggered a "pass GO" card allowing me to feel what it would be like without him in my life. It has already deepened my love for him, and made me want to appreciate every second we get to spend together more.
So my crying....it's complicated because yes I miss him, but it isn't like I don't want this for him. It isn't that I'm against his possible career choice because I'm supportive, but rather the thought of his possibilities becoming a reality maybe...I don't know. I mean as I listen to "Amazing Grace" by Flogging Molly, I think to myself, "If you ever make me have to hear that song because you have lost your life, I cannot begin to know the hurt, pain, and emptyness I will feel...you become the best damn officer or you don't do it. you don't do it because your uncles did, because your step dad did, because you want the respect, because you want to get a federal job later...you do it because you want to make a difference for your men, for your country, for your beliefs, and for God." Man, looking back, that is just something I'm not sure he would want to hear from me....from someone who has not even made up their mind 100% herself, who is determined to shut all the doors but one and run through it forcefully.
I went running. I was around 23:00 and no it probably wasn't the best idea since i do not have reflective gear, but I think well when I run. So what does it all mean? How does it all come together? He said that being a Marine Core Officer is possibly the most lonely job on the planet...you cannot really talk to anyone about if your decisions are the right because you'll lose credibility, or the confidence of your men, etc. That's probably true. But you could talk to someone you loved, someone you trusted, and someone who had the same training....see where that is going?? I could do that. I could like doing that. But maybe it's just having the support...I could use one of my career paths to facilitate our troops, or our government, like attacking the same problem from different angles.
Either way I have been asked what is my passion....and I've answered differently at different times, but still with answers that are true...sports, justice, helping out, leading, etc. I think that "making a difference" might be the most correct. I have always been afraid of selling myself short, not using potential, not going the extra mile. I might also be emotional because I know that too many of us fall short of our true potential and that I'm scared he might not believe in himself enough to push that extra mile...to make a difference. I have a billion things on my mind and I hope that they do no all race through my mind and keep me awake.
That's all for now. I have to be up very soon for work. I hope to see a benefit from this.
So two years ago I wanted to go to PLC for the Marine Corp, which is like bootcamp for aspiring officers, during their Junior year in college, yet they are not actually commissioned or sworn in until graduation from their school---at which point they can turn it down. It's non obligational and is perfect for people who are interested in maybe serving but don't think they have the support and the confidence that is exactly where they should be. I didn't go....a foot issue that prevented me from long disatnce running so I didn't follow through. It was more of a decisions to quit before I really started and was told that I couldn't go or having to stop half way through because of the injury. The foot problem subsided within a few months but it was too late for the program. I took it as a "it wasn't meant to be. everything happens for a reason" and didn't think that God had intended me to be in the Armed Services at that point. I toyed with the idea of possibly joining later, but I was graduating, applying to graduate school, being offered an opportunity to do something else for the government, ect. So I let life lead me through the corridor of opening doors and have still, to this point, kept my options completely open and have just tried to learn and experience as much as I could. I will be moving in about three months....I'll go into that some other time.
My boyfriend, and not just another "guy" but rather my ONE, has just left for OCS for the Marines. It has only been a few days and I am beside myself. I am NOT an emotional person, and very rarely cry, but I am extremely upset and cry every night before I go to sleep. Now OCS is in the US, is not a danger to his life, it is just a time that I will not have great contact with him. This makes no sense to my brain trying to figure out why I still cry. I mean we have not talked about marriage, even though I know we both have thought about it, because we both have to figure out what we are doing or wanting from out own lifes in a career sense, before we can 100% devote making a plan for us to work. I think that him leaving just has triggered a "pass GO" card allowing me to feel what it would be like without him in my life. It has already deepened my love for him, and made me want to appreciate every second we get to spend together more.
So my crying....it's complicated because yes I miss him, but it isn't like I don't want this for him. It isn't that I'm against his possible career choice because I'm supportive, but rather the thought of his possibilities becoming a reality maybe...I don't know. I mean as I listen to "Amazing Grace" by Flogging Molly, I think to myself, "If you ever make me have to hear that song because you have lost your life, I cannot begin to know the hurt, pain, and emptyness I will feel...you become the best damn officer or you don't do it. you don't do it because your uncles did, because your step dad did, because you want the respect, because you want to get a federal job later...you do it because you want to make a difference for your men, for your country, for your beliefs, and for God." Man, looking back, that is just something I'm not sure he would want to hear from me....from someone who has not even made up their mind 100% herself, who is determined to shut all the doors but one and run through it forcefully.
I went running. I was around 23:00 and no it probably wasn't the best idea since i do not have reflective gear, but I think well when I run. So what does it all mean? How does it all come together? He said that being a Marine Core Officer is possibly the most lonely job on the planet...you cannot really talk to anyone about if your decisions are the right because you'll lose credibility, or the confidence of your men, etc. That's probably true. But you could talk to someone you loved, someone you trusted, and someone who had the same training....see where that is going?? I could do that. I could like doing that. But maybe it's just having the support...I could use one of my career paths to facilitate our troops, or our government, like attacking the same problem from different angles.
Either way I have been asked what is my passion....and I've answered differently at different times, but still with answers that are true...sports, justice, helping out, leading, etc. I think that "making a difference" might be the most correct. I have always been afraid of selling myself short, not using potential, not going the extra mile. I might also be emotional because I know that too many of us fall short of our true potential and that I'm scared he might not believe in himself enough to push that extra mile...to make a difference. I have a billion things on my mind and I hope that they do no all race through my mind and keep me awake.
That's all for now. I have to be up very soon for work. I hope to see a benefit from this.