The Legend.
When something amazing happens, and you sit down to tell the story, you feel like you are a fool for trying to do justice to it's awesomeness. But I can try. Last night was one of those nights.
I thought I had this birthday party to go to, but it turned out to be next week. So I suggested to my sisters and brother that we go see "Matchpoint", but not before a few rounds of pool. All agreed.
Now, my dad likes to pretend that my family didn't lose all of our money in the recession, so he belongs to this snooty place in our neighborhood called The Montauk Club. It's a gigantic brownstone mansion right on the park, with chandeliers and winding cedarwood staircases. Think "Titanic". It's a castle. It happens to have a billiard room, so we decided to go there to play pool and drink cherry cokes all night on dad's account. First, I suggested we get all sugared up, so we stopped at Rite Aid. The light-up ring pop would be really good for the movie theatre, as well as leaving my mouth open so everyone could hear my pop rocks fizzle.
We get to The Montauk Club, walk up the stone steps, and open the gigantic antique door. It's completely dark. No one is there. The place is closed with a capital C, but whoever closed up forgot to lock the door! After we stopped thinking we were in a horror movie, we realized...we have this whole mansion TO OURSELVES!
There was only one small light on the first floor...we followed it...and found..A HUGE PLAYROOM. Words cannot describe, so here's a montage:
We decided to play daredevil, a.k.a "put your little sister in a barrel and roll her off the edge"
Then we sumo wrestled.
After a good 30 minutes of uninhibited shreiking and monkey play, we stopped for a sugar break.
At this point, we were just in awe that no one had called the cops with all the pouncing and hyena-esque laughter.
But the troops were spent.
So we decided to find our way through the dark, up the stairs, to the second floor. Now, when I say complete dark, I mean it. We could only see what was in front of us because I kept taking flash pictures with my camera. We'd stop, look at what turned up on the digital screen, and went on. I must have been a saint in my former life, because karma handed me the best gift of all: a bar.
My camera showed that the bar was stocked with top shelf liquor. I'm talking $400 bottles of wine and single malt whiskey. We couldn't climb over the bar because it was lined with stacks of delicate wine glasses....but we found a way in....
We found the remote to the bar TV, made fancy drinks, and watched MTVs "Real Life: I Went to Fat Camp" for like an hour. We also found a stash of New Year's paraphanelia.
We drunkenly beat the crap out of eachother with noisemakers, put way too much grenandine in our cherry cokes, went pee in the pitch black bathroom, and then decided it was time to leave for the movie. But not before my sister found the whipped cream.
Crimes committed:
-Breaking and entering
-trespassing
-theft
*Oh, and I stole a giant bottle of fucking fancy champagne to be saved for a not-so-special occasion.
copyright Jane Callahan 2006