no words
i am not coping well at all with this.
i get an email from her today telling me she's paying off her car completely next month... and it was all very business-like. no emotion, nothing at all personal. and i can barely function now. i'm sitting in my apartment, staring at the tv, aimlessly trolling the internet, pining away, sick as hell.
it's been over 5 months and i would rate my well being as poor. the only way i function normally in a day is to ignore reality. drift into my work, into the news of the 'net, and force myself to ignore her absence. thinking about it is still TOO MUCH. i swing from depressed to angry to sick to bitter to utterly bereft of hope. and then go through it all again, all day, when i don't have an assignment to distract me.
to cope implies that one is dealing with something, and i'm not really dealing with it at all. i go to my therapy sessions, i try to convince myself that there's a better future in front of me, that i matter, that all of this is worth something. but it's such a monumental struggle. is this what life is? a constant struggle to convince oneself that there's hope? is that all i have now?
i feel like i'm going crazy. i used to feel that way now and then, but this makes everything before it a joke. sometimes i can barely breath. this is the worst nightmare i can conceive of... because there's nothing i can do. i have no power at all to change what has happened. i have the power to move on, that's how people survive, but i am failing miserably at that. there's only pain and emptiness inside. it just hurts so much. it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
i get an email from her today telling me she's paying off her car completely next month... and it was all very business-like. no emotion, nothing at all personal. and i can barely function now. i'm sitting in my apartment, staring at the tv, aimlessly trolling the internet, pining away, sick as hell.
it's been over 5 months and i would rate my well being as poor. the only way i function normally in a day is to ignore reality. drift into my work, into the news of the 'net, and force myself to ignore her absence. thinking about it is still TOO MUCH. i swing from depressed to angry to sick to bitter to utterly bereft of hope. and then go through it all again, all day, when i don't have an assignment to distract me.
to cope implies that one is dealing with something, and i'm not really dealing with it at all. i go to my therapy sessions, i try to convince myself that there's a better future in front of me, that i matter, that all of this is worth something. but it's such a monumental struggle. is this what life is? a constant struggle to convince oneself that there's hope? is that all i have now?
i feel like i'm going crazy. i used to feel that way now and then, but this makes everything before it a joke. sometimes i can barely breath. this is the worst nightmare i can conceive of... because there's nothing i can do. i have no power at all to change what has happened. i have the power to move on, that's how people survive, but i am failing miserably at that. there's only pain and emptiness inside. it just hurts so much. it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.