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hello folks...
it’s been days and days since i last posted, and that - oddly enough - is not the norm lately! that’s a good feeling, but why the delay?
well, i wrote about the run-up to her and i meeting to discuss details, so i’ll start with that.
we met at a starbucks, a nice, neutral place that would allow us to have some anonymity and no one coming to check on our table every few minutes. we had a friend join us, as i wanted a third party to be there to help us moderate our emotions so we could talk and hopefully not spend the time venting at each other instead. i’m not totally sure how much venting she would have done, but based on my own feelings and past behavior, i knew i would want someone there to keep my attention more focused.
parking the car, my heart started beating hard and my hands got sweaty. walking from my car to starbucks, my heart was tearing a hole in my chest, my stomach was churning, i was shaky and on the verge of vomiting. for a few seconds, i thought i was going to pass out.
finally, i reach their table (our friend was already there with her) and sit down. she tried to make some small talk to break the ice, but i just couldn’t do it. it was too... normal for me. the face i made told her right away what i felt and she said so. there was some silence, then we started talking.
it went so much better than i thought it would. there were a few points where it felt like old times for a moment or two. i didn’t think that was even possible. i felt good enough that i shared something funny i had learned about her dad recently. how very fucking strange the evening was.
i asked, and she confirmed, that there is no chance for reconciliation. (expected confirmation of heartbreak) we talked about splitting up certain things and how we felt about each other. then she cried and said how sorry she was. THAT i did not expect.
up until this point, she had made it clear that she was also in pain, that this was not easy for her, that she didn’ doing it, but that it was the right thing to do. i did not believe any of the claims of pain. as i’ve said before, i thought that no one who claimed to care could do this to another person. only when she cried did i realize how wrong i was. i could very clearly see and hear her pain.
as much as my heart ached to see her cry, it made things much clearer to me.
first, we really were over. second, and more importantly for me, it really hurt her to break my heart.
we didn’t hug afterward. we both felt it would be inappropriate to do so, as there were so many conflicting emotions involved it just didn’t seem right.
ultimately, meeting with her allowed me to let go of my anger and resentment. how can i hate her for doing the hard thing? should i wish that she would have stayed with me, knowing that she wasn’t going to be happy? that’s no future to hope for for someone you love. that’s a sentence, not a life.
so... i forgive her. i really do. it’s a great feeling getting rid of the anger. i didn’t realize how much of it i was holding onto until after. i feel so relaxed! free. it was a ball and chain wrapped around my heart and i didn’t even realize it.
now though, i’m left with only the loss. i’m so much sadder now because i only have the loss to deal with. there’s no energy from the anger anymore to distract me. the anger was good for that, at least. i have accepted that she is leaving me. the woman i love, the woman that i hoped to spend my life with is not coming back. i am without her, and the loss is so immense.
acceptance sucks, but is necessary. now i can... move on? i suppose so. i don’t have a clue what that means, and i don’t really want to find out, but life will move on against my will and before i know it, things will be different. i don’t like thinking about it, to tell you the truth. i just have to let it happen.
it’s been days and days since i last posted, and that - oddly enough - is not the norm lately! that’s a good feeling, but why the delay?
well, i wrote about the run-up to her and i meeting to discuss details, so i’ll start with that.
we met at a starbucks, a nice, neutral place that would allow us to have some anonymity and no one coming to check on our table every few minutes. we had a friend join us, as i wanted a third party to be there to help us moderate our emotions so we could talk and hopefully not spend the time venting at each other instead. i’m not totally sure how much venting she would have done, but based on my own feelings and past behavior, i knew i would want someone there to keep my attention more focused.
parking the car, my heart started beating hard and my hands got sweaty. walking from my car to starbucks, my heart was tearing a hole in my chest, my stomach was churning, i was shaky and on the verge of vomiting. for a few seconds, i thought i was going to pass out.
finally, i reach their table (our friend was already there with her) and sit down. she tried to make some small talk to break the ice, but i just couldn’t do it. it was too... normal for me. the face i made told her right away what i felt and she said so. there was some silence, then we started talking.
it went so much better than i thought it would. there were a few points where it felt like old times for a moment or two. i didn’t think that was even possible. i felt good enough that i shared something funny i had learned about her dad recently. how very fucking strange the evening was.
i asked, and she confirmed, that there is no chance for reconciliation. (expected confirmation of heartbreak) we talked about splitting up certain things and how we felt about each other. then she cried and said how sorry she was. THAT i did not expect.
up until this point, she had made it clear that she was also in pain, that this was not easy for her, that she didn’ doing it, but that it was the right thing to do. i did not believe any of the claims of pain. as i’ve said before, i thought that no one who claimed to care could do this to another person. only when she cried did i realize how wrong i was. i could very clearly see and hear her pain.
as much as my heart ached to see her cry, it made things much clearer to me.
first, we really were over. second, and more importantly for me, it really hurt her to break my heart.
we didn’t hug afterward. we both felt it would be inappropriate to do so, as there were so many conflicting emotions involved it just didn’t seem right.
ultimately, meeting with her allowed me to let go of my anger and resentment. how can i hate her for doing the hard thing? should i wish that she would have stayed with me, knowing that she wasn’t going to be happy? that’s no future to hope for for someone you love. that’s a sentence, not a life.
so... i forgive her. i really do. it’s a great feeling getting rid of the anger. i didn’t realize how much of it i was holding onto until after. i feel so relaxed! free. it was a ball and chain wrapped around my heart and i didn’t even realize it.
now though, i’m left with only the loss. i’m so much sadder now because i only have the loss to deal with. there’s no energy from the anger anymore to distract me. the anger was good for that, at least. i have accepted that she is leaving me. the woman i love, the woman that i hoped to spend my life with is not coming back. i am without her, and the loss is so immense.
acceptance sucks, but is necessary. now i can... move on? i suppose so. i don’t have a clue what that means, and i don’t really want to find out, but life will move on against my will and before i know it, things will be different. i don’t like thinking about it, to tell you the truth. i just have to let it happen.