Journals
So although I have this online journal, I want to have one at home too. It doesn't have to be an actual lil diary with a key on it and shit. but for some reason ive wanted to keep a journal for a while. So recently i've just been using my notepad and been writing things in it every night before I go to sleep. Although at night I take my pills and by the time im in bed writing im falling asleep, so it's not going so well, some of it is completely incoherent. Maybe it's because the past 2 years I lost so many memories with being all drugged up that makes me want to keep a note of things now. But my plan is after work today, to stop off at the stationary store and find a decent notebook or some kind of actual diary. I don't need a lock cuz it's not like Jason would read it and I don't care even if he does, theres nothing in there that he wont know. So we'll see how we do on that.
The other day Jason asked me to make dinner WITH him. Normally we make dinner alone and never want each other in the kitchen at the same time, but he said he thinks it would be nice if we could make something together thats 'ours'. I swear he must have been reading my mind, because a few days before he mentioned it i had thought how nice it would be to be able to both be in the kitchen doing different things that ends up being a meal. So we have that planned for today. We're making some kind of salmon with marinade. So im at work just now, and we had both planned to go to the gym today together so he could switch up my work out because whatever im doing isnt enough, im still gaining weight at an astronomical rate. So when I go home, we're going to make the marinade, and then go to the gym and then come home and do the rest. We're having these baby red potato's with it, that jason makes with some seasoning, which he's going to make me privvy to, which is amazing. Then we're going to fry up some green beans with a little garlic. I think it sounds pretty good. So we'll see how it goes. I actually printed out all the recipes yesterday at work, but didn't read them, just read a lil bit and if it sounded like something we'd like then i printed it, so i don't know exactly what the marinade is, but im sure it'll be nice. If not, In N Out burger is down the street. haha.
So last night i had a total melt down. We had gone for a walk by the water, and that was my excersize for the day, and it was my cheat day, so we decided to go out to dinner (sushi) and a movie, and I would have some dibs, or candy at the movies. So we got into a kinda arguement about my diet and how he thinks i could be doing more and cut back some of the sweet things i have, now please note, those sweet things are 100 calorie packs of milanos or chocolate pretzels. They arent big bags and i don't eat more than one of them a day, so we had a wee tiff, and I was annoyed, so I went for a shower....i realized that all my 'fat' clothes except my jeans were in the dry cleaners, and so i put on this grey tank top with a grey and white striped light weight'ish sweater over it. So I was sweating buckets and told him that i had to wait till i cooled down to do make up cuz my face was sweating. So im sitting there and I had seen myself in the mirror and I had my jeans, with my belt, holding them up, then this semi fitted sweater on and a huge roll of fat over my jeans. So I really didn't want to go out, but i didnt say anything. just sat there. Then I just started bawling my eyes out. Jason was like wtf? I just started going on about how I was fat and didn't wanna go out cuz nothing fitted me and i looked a mess and i was one of those people who were fat but trying to fit into skinny people clothes. He just held me and told me that it would be ok...then he said we didn't need to go out. So i went and changed back into my fat shorts and my less constricting top and laid on the bed in tears. he told me that we would find out this week from the doctor if he can fix it and if not, then fuck it we'd go to the endocrinologist thats $500 a visit. he just wants me to be happy. So he left and went and got us take out sushi from the restaurant that we planned on going to and we had it, it was amazing. Then we watched 'The Wrestler' he went to 711 and got me a coke and a lil yub of 'dibs' for us to share, cuz he told me that i still had to give myself a treat, so we shared them, and it turned out to be a great night. Even though it started with us having a tiff and then me being in hysterical tears. So now i just have to go to the gym today and work really hard, to try and fend this weight off as long as I can. Im now 182lbs. I just can't believe that I have size 2 jeans and size 14 jeans in the same closet. And that not so long ago i could actually wear the size 2's. At this point i don't care if i can't get into the size 2's for a while..but i'd like to work towards my size 8's. So we'll see, hopefully the doctor has some answers.
The other day Jason asked me to make dinner WITH him. Normally we make dinner alone and never want each other in the kitchen at the same time, but he said he thinks it would be nice if we could make something together thats 'ours'. I swear he must have been reading my mind, because a few days before he mentioned it i had thought how nice it would be to be able to both be in the kitchen doing different things that ends up being a meal. So we have that planned for today. We're making some kind of salmon with marinade. So im at work just now, and we had both planned to go to the gym today together so he could switch up my work out because whatever im doing isnt enough, im still gaining weight at an astronomical rate. So when I go home, we're going to make the marinade, and then go to the gym and then come home and do the rest. We're having these baby red potato's with it, that jason makes with some seasoning, which he's going to make me privvy to, which is amazing. Then we're going to fry up some green beans with a little garlic. I think it sounds pretty good. So we'll see how it goes. I actually printed out all the recipes yesterday at work, but didn't read them, just read a lil bit and if it sounded like something we'd like then i printed it, so i don't know exactly what the marinade is, but im sure it'll be nice. If not, In N Out burger is down the street. haha.
So last night i had a total melt down. We had gone for a walk by the water, and that was my excersize for the day, and it was my cheat day, so we decided to go out to dinner (sushi) and a movie, and I would have some dibs, or candy at the movies. So we got into a kinda arguement about my diet and how he thinks i could be doing more and cut back some of the sweet things i have, now please note, those sweet things are 100 calorie packs of milanos or chocolate pretzels. They arent big bags and i don't eat more than one of them a day, so we had a wee tiff, and I was annoyed, so I went for a shower....i realized that all my 'fat' clothes except my jeans were in the dry cleaners, and so i put on this grey tank top with a grey and white striped light weight'ish sweater over it. So I was sweating buckets and told him that i had to wait till i cooled down to do make up cuz my face was sweating. So im sitting there and I had seen myself in the mirror and I had my jeans, with my belt, holding them up, then this semi fitted sweater on and a huge roll of fat over my jeans. So I really didn't want to go out, but i didnt say anything. just sat there. Then I just started bawling my eyes out. Jason was like wtf? I just started going on about how I was fat and didn't wanna go out cuz nothing fitted me and i looked a mess and i was one of those people who were fat but trying to fit into skinny people clothes. He just held me and told me that it would be ok...then he said we didn't need to go out. So i went and changed back into my fat shorts and my less constricting top and laid on the bed in tears. he told me that we would find out this week from the doctor if he can fix it and if not, then fuck it we'd go to the endocrinologist thats $500 a visit. he just wants me to be happy. So he left and went and got us take out sushi from the restaurant that we planned on going to and we had it, it was amazing. Then we watched 'The Wrestler' he went to 711 and got me a coke and a lil yub of 'dibs' for us to share, cuz he told me that i still had to give myself a treat, so we shared them, and it turned out to be a great night. Even though it started with us having a tiff and then me being in hysterical tears. So now i just have to go to the gym today and work really hard, to try and fend this weight off as long as I can. Im now 182lbs. I just can't believe that I have size 2 jeans and size 14 jeans in the same closet. And that not so long ago i could actually wear the size 2's. At this point i don't care if i can't get into the size 2's for a while..but i'd like to work towards my size 8's. So we'll see, hopefully the doctor has some answers.