A Personal Story That I Needed to Tell Somewhere
When I was young, I had bad posture. I still do. When I get tired, or stressed ...when my back hurts, or I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair, I always start to droop. My head gets lower, and my shoulders get higher, and my back rounds like the stem of a flower that's starting to wilt. The only time I have really good posture is when I'm taking yoga classes. The back-exercises, and especially the mindfulness training, straighten me up and keep me walking with my head held high all day every day.
I bring this up, because the other day I was writing an Avengers story. I got to thinking about the scene in Thor when Loki finds out he's adopted, the one where he spits "I ...I'm the monster parents tell their children about? I've used that reaction a lot in stories,. Playing with that whole monster/not-monster thing is cool; there's so many characters in the Marvel-verse who have elements of monster to them. But I never seriously thought about the loathing before.
And that's when I remembered the posture-thing. When I was a kid, my parents hated my posture. My mom was always on me to stand up straight. My dad used to call me The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I went to school, and when the other kids called me "hunchback", I believed them. Why wouldn't I? It was the same thing I heard at home.
My problem with my mom, was she kept nagging at me for the things I was doing wrong. I was slumping. I was standing wrong (You're supposed to stand on the middles of your feet, I guess, and I stood on the sides). She kept coming up with all these things I was doing wrong, but she never taught me how to do them any different. "Stand up straight!" she'd bark, and I'd jerk to obey. But with no idea what muscles I was supposed to use, or what it felt like to stand up straight, I was not very successful.
My problem with my dad, was different. He called me names. I knew that was wrong. If I'd called people the names he called me, I'd have gotten in trouble from my mom or my teacher. People weren't supposed to call each other names. But what my dad said was true, I knew that too, because my mom said the same thing. I was fat. I was ugly. I didn't dress right, and I didn't stand on my feet right. And I was a hunchback. I used to get mad at my dad for being mean to me, but I believed every word he said anyway.
At school, the kids called me "hunchback" too, and I hated them for it. When I was in Junior High School, I would happily have seen the school burn with all the kids inside it. -- I think I would have saved one teacher, maybe two or three students. -- I would happily have been the one to set the fire or throw the incendiary bomb if I knew for sure I wouldn't get caught. But I believed what the kids said to me too: I was too fat. I dressed wrong. I wore ugly glasses, and my hair looked stupid. And I was a hunchback.
Once when I started Seventh Grade, I decided I was going to turn my image around. I couldn't do much about the clothes, because my mom bought those for me. I couldn't do anything about the glasses, and I didn't know how to do anything different with my hair. But I didn't have to be a hunchback, not if I stood up straight the whole year. I didn't actually know what that meant, except you were supposed to keep your shoulders back, so at the beginning of each day I put mine back, as far and as rigidly as I could get them. I walked around with my shoulders so far back that my whole body hurt, and I didn't relax until I was back at home in the afternoon again. I thought I was doing it right... Then sometime around March, a friend of mine asked why I walked funny all the time. After that I gave up even trying.
I grew up with a lot of shame in my life. I was ashamed of being fat. I was ashamed of being the kind of kid other kids picked on. I was ashamed when I realized I didn't "love God", so I was probably going to hell. Later on I was ashamed when I realized I could have same-sex fantasies, and even about people in my own family. I got past the other ones. I learned to call myself fat without feeling bad about it. I made my peace with the fact that I'll never be the kind of Christian I was raised to be and not only that, but if I did go to Heaven and find the God I was raised with there, I would politely ask to go to Hell instead. I got used to the fact that I'm not gay or straight, I'm just a perv.
But I still can't admit the bit about the posture without cringing. Even when I try to say the name of this movie, I cringe a little.
I bring this up, because the other day I was writing an Avengers story. I got to thinking about the scene in Thor when Loki finds out he's adopted, the one where he spits "I ...I'm the monster parents tell their children about? I've used that reaction a lot in stories,. Playing with that whole monster/not-monster thing is cool; there's so many characters in the Marvel-verse who have elements of monster to them. But I never seriously thought about the loathing before.
And that's when I remembered the posture-thing. When I was a kid, my parents hated my posture. My mom was always on me to stand up straight. My dad used to call me The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I went to school, and when the other kids called me "hunchback", I believed them. Why wouldn't I? It was the same thing I heard at home.
My problem with my mom, was she kept nagging at me for the things I was doing wrong. I was slumping. I was standing wrong (You're supposed to stand on the middles of your feet, I guess, and I stood on the sides). She kept coming up with all these things I was doing wrong, but she never taught me how to do them any different. "Stand up straight!" she'd bark, and I'd jerk to obey. But with no idea what muscles I was supposed to use, or what it felt like to stand up straight, I was not very successful.
My problem with my dad, was different. He called me names. I knew that was wrong. If I'd called people the names he called me, I'd have gotten in trouble from my mom or my teacher. People weren't supposed to call each other names. But what my dad said was true, I knew that too, because my mom said the same thing. I was fat. I was ugly. I didn't dress right, and I didn't stand on my feet right. And I was a hunchback. I used to get mad at my dad for being mean to me, but I believed every word he said anyway.
At school, the kids called me "hunchback" too, and I hated them for it. When I was in Junior High School, I would happily have seen the school burn with all the kids inside it. -- I think I would have saved one teacher, maybe two or three students. -- I would happily have been the one to set the fire or throw the incendiary bomb if I knew for sure I wouldn't get caught. But I believed what the kids said to me too: I was too fat. I dressed wrong. I wore ugly glasses, and my hair looked stupid. And I was a hunchback.
Once when I started Seventh Grade, I decided I was going to turn my image around. I couldn't do much about the clothes, because my mom bought those for me. I couldn't do anything about the glasses, and I didn't know how to do anything different with my hair. But I didn't have to be a hunchback, not if I stood up straight the whole year. I didn't actually know what that meant, except you were supposed to keep your shoulders back, so at the beginning of each day I put mine back, as far and as rigidly as I could get them. I walked around with my shoulders so far back that my whole body hurt, and I didn't relax until I was back at home in the afternoon again. I thought I was doing it right... Then sometime around March, a friend of mine asked why I walked funny all the time. After that I gave up even trying.
I grew up with a lot of shame in my life. I was ashamed of being fat. I was ashamed of being the kind of kid other kids picked on. I was ashamed when I realized I didn't "love God", so I was probably going to hell. Later on I was ashamed when I realized I could have same-sex fantasies, and even about people in my own family. I got past the other ones. I learned to call myself fat without feeling bad about it. I made my peace with the fact that I'll never be the kind of Christian I was raised to be and not only that, but if I did go to Heaven and find the God I was raised with there, I would politely ask to go to Hell instead. I got used to the fact that I'm not gay or straight, I'm just a perv.
But I still can't admit the bit about the posture without cringing. Even when I try to say the name of this movie, I cringe a little.