where is my life going?
this is a big one...
i am not sure what direction my life is about to take in the next year or so, but i definitely feel like i am at cusp.
i am also high on coffee right now and my thinking may be a little hyper-clear, so this may all seem irrelevant to me in a day... but i don't think so... i think it's been growing in me over the last few months, enough that i need to share it a little bit in order to help me grok it better.
i have spent a very long time now focused on fencing- trying to get good enough to make the 2008 olympic games. i still want that. but lately i have been feeling like it is less and less attainable. not completely out of reach, but the last year and a half have presented me with a lot of setbacks, and i am more than a little scared that i won't make it. at the same time, i have been starting to settle into the life of the working stiff again... but i am starting to find it not too traumatic. i kinda like the people i work with, and am starting not to mind being at the office too much. i have found a certain peace between my outside life and my working life. i also have some very promising prospects on the horizon that might be interesting and maybe even a little rewarding. i've been enjoying doing random things with my evenings during the break i took from fencing this summer, and the lack of performance pressure that i've been experiencing while not training. basically, i have been starting to feel that having a normal job, something that i find interesting and which allows me to explore other aspects of life, might not be such a horrible thing. i also picture having a nice home and a family some day and being able to provide for them with this job.... or... i guess what i am really talking about, which i have never much considered before, is a career. i don't know what to make of it really. it's not been something i've ever been focused on.
am i shifting away from the dream i've held so dear for a while? feeling like it matters less? that i can be happy either way? am i simply exploring a new idea or new aspect of my life that i've ignored? am i merely going through a blip of insanity? how much of this is fueled by the fear that i won't make it to my goal, so it is less painful to turn away early and say i didn't really give it a shot? i don't want to be that person, but i don't want to deny a newly awakening part of myself or my life either. am i just getting older, and starting to become interested in the things that older people (read, ppl my age) are interested in?
anyway, these are a lot of the questions and concerns that have been going through my head. they're a little disjointed here cuz i keep flitting between writing this entry, doing other things at work, and chatting w/ jess online. but i guess that's ok.
anyone have any thoughts?
i am not sure what direction my life is about to take in the next year or so, but i definitely feel like i am at cusp.
i am also high on coffee right now and my thinking may be a little hyper-clear, so this may all seem irrelevant to me in a day... but i don't think so... i think it's been growing in me over the last few months, enough that i need to share it a little bit in order to help me grok it better.
i have spent a very long time now focused on fencing- trying to get good enough to make the 2008 olympic games. i still want that. but lately i have been feeling like it is less and less attainable. not completely out of reach, but the last year and a half have presented me with a lot of setbacks, and i am more than a little scared that i won't make it. at the same time, i have been starting to settle into the life of the working stiff again... but i am starting to find it not too traumatic. i kinda like the people i work with, and am starting not to mind being at the office too much. i have found a certain peace between my outside life and my working life. i also have some very promising prospects on the horizon that might be interesting and maybe even a little rewarding. i've been enjoying doing random things with my evenings during the break i took from fencing this summer, and the lack of performance pressure that i've been experiencing while not training. basically, i have been starting to feel that having a normal job, something that i find interesting and which allows me to explore other aspects of life, might not be such a horrible thing. i also picture having a nice home and a family some day and being able to provide for them with this job.... or... i guess what i am really talking about, which i have never much considered before, is a career. i don't know what to make of it really. it's not been something i've ever been focused on.
am i shifting away from the dream i've held so dear for a while? feeling like it matters less? that i can be happy either way? am i simply exploring a new idea or new aspect of my life that i've ignored? am i merely going through a blip of insanity? how much of this is fueled by the fear that i won't make it to my goal, so it is less painful to turn away early and say i didn't really give it a shot? i don't want to be that person, but i don't want to deny a newly awakening part of myself or my life either. am i just getting older, and starting to become interested in the things that older people (read, ppl my age) are interested in?
anyway, these are a lot of the questions and concerns that have been going through my head. they're a little disjointed here cuz i keep flitting between writing this entry, doing other things at work, and chatting w/ jess online. but i guess that's ok.
anyone have any thoughts?