Fic: It'll all be okay (1/1)
“Is it true? Are you back? For good?” Tony stood on Gibbs’ front porch, his shoulders squared and his fists clenched tightly at his sides. Gibbs had been in Mexico for four months and the team had finally gotten their feet back under themselves. Now Gibbs was walking back in as if he had been on vacation for a week.
Gibbs nodded. It was getting late; he was tired and had spent the day unpacking boxes. Now he was ready to spend an hour or two on the boat before bed. He knew he would have to deal with the team, but he hadn’t expected an angry DiNozzo on his doorstep.
“You sick bastard,” Tony let loose and let his fist fly. He was surprised when he actually made contact with Gibbs’ jaw, he half expected to find himself on his ass on the front step. He landed another, then another before shoving Gibbs back into his house and following in. “How could you do this to her?”
Gibbs was silent as he took the punches Tony handed out. He could only assume that Abby was the ‘her’. He knew that he deserved it, so he accepted blow after blow. The image of Abby when he placed his index finger over her soft lips to prevent her from asking him to stay was forever ingrained in his mind.
He tried to ease into the punches - he knew Tony wasn’t hitting with full force, but when Tony caught him in the stomach he doubled over and sank to the floor. He figured once he was on the floor Tony would stop. When Tony reached down to pull him back up, Gibbs kicked out and brought Tony to the ground with a harsh thud.
“That’s enough, DiNozzo,” Gibbs panted.
“It’ll never be enough,” Tony rolled to his back and then looked over at Gibbs. “You didn’t see her.”
“I know.” Gibbs ran his hand through his hair. “I know.”
“You didn’t have to hold her while she cried; you didn’t have to make sure she was eating. You didn’t have to make sure she didn’t drive her fucking car off a cliff and at the same time keep your own damn life from falling apart.”
“I didn’t leave to hurt everyone,” Gibbs confessed. “I left because I did know how to handle my pain.”
“You should have let us help you.”
“I saw her face when she found out about them. I couldn’t handle my own pain and stay strong enough for everyone else.”
“Oh so I had to be? You couldn’t deal with Abby the team and all of your personal stuff, but I could?”
“You were stronger than me. You could handle it.” It wasn’t an apology - not that Tony wanted one - but Tony could tell that the words were sincere.
Having caught his breath, Tony sat up and leaned back, his head thumping against the wall behind him. “She know you’re back?”
“No. Not yet.” He didn’t know how to tell her. He had no clue how to start.
“You sure you’re going to stay?” Tony eyed him cautiously. “She won’t survive you deciding you were better off in Mexico. There will be no way for me to keep her together.”
Gibbs pushed to his feet and gingerly rubbed his jaw, and headed toward the basement. “I need a drink.”
“That’s it? You blow off talk about how hurt she was… is? Because you need a drink?” Tony shook his head and headed for the open front door.
“Are you coming?” Gibbs held open the basement door.
Tony glanced at the basement door and then to his car out on the street before back at Gibbs and the basement door. He wasn’t going to be bought with a drink, but there was no reason to say no to expensive alcohol.
Tony followed cautiously, the realization that he had attacked his boss, former boss - whoever he was - slowly taking over. There were many different tools in the basement, and most, if not all could be used as a deadly weapon.
“Tell me,” Gibbs said as he handed Tony a dusty mug with bourbon.
“Tell you what?” Tony spat, his confidence returning when Gibbs didn’t make a move for his tools.
“About Abby.”
“What about her? About her heart breaking for you when she found out about Shannon and Kelly,” he noticed the way Gibbs tensed at their names. “Or how she fell apart because as much as she wanted to be there for you, you walked away?”
“Everything.”
-
Abby’s hold on Tony’s hand tightened as Ducky explained the basic details of Gibbs’ lost wife and daughter. Her eyes went wide and she turned to stare at Gibbs through the window of his room.
Tears welled instantly and she nearly choked on the lump that formed in her throat.
“That’s… that’s why... and he never told us. Did you know, Ducky?”
“No dear, I had no idea either. I don’t think it’s that he didn’t trust us, but rather…” Ducky had been through divorce after divorce with Gibbs and didn’t think he had held anything back in their friendship. Apparently he was wrong. “He didn’t trust himself with his emotions.” Ducky moved to pull her into a hug, but Abby moved away.
“And now... now he doesn’t even know us. He’ll never want our help.”
“Retrograde amnesia, you said so yourself. He’ll remember. He just needs some time. Don’t fret, Abigail.”
Tony watched as Abby looked back at Gibbs. He was looking at her, but it looked as though his gaze was passing right through her.
-
“All she wanted was to hug you and be there for you, but whenever she stepped into your room you looked at her like she was some crazy devil-worshipper.” Tony took a sip of the bourbon and hissed at the burn. He moved to the far wall and lowered himself to sit on the floor.
“I remember. Tony, I was in 1994, I’d never seen anyone like her before.”
“She told me she was fine, that she was just going to wait you out,” Tony sipped the bourbon again. “She was going to wait until you remembered her and then she was going to go into full-blown Abby-care mode. She was going to cook for you, make sure your laundry got done. She was going to clean your house. You know Abby, she never does anything halfway.” Tony let a small smile tug at his lips. He had received similar treatment while recovering from the plague.
Gibbs followed Tony across the basement and sat beside him on the floor, leaning his back against the wall. “Why? I’ve never needed-”
“No, you’re the great Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and you’ve never needed anyone. But did you ever stop to think that maybe she needed to help you? That she needed to reassure herself that you were okay?”
“I didn’t-”
“Oh shut up.” Tony winced slightly, somewhat expecting a head-slap. “She loves you.”
Gibbs brushed off Tony’s announcement that Abby loved him and took a sip of bourbon.
“I tell you she loves you and you ignore it? You really are a cold bastard.” Tony was getting fed up.
“I know. I know how she feels.” And he did know. He’d known for quite some time that Abby loved him and he didn’t understand why. “I just…”
“You just what?” Tony grabbed the bottle Gibbs had placed between them and refilled his glass.
“I couldn’t figure out how to love her back and not hurt her.”
Tony rolled his eyes. “You’ve sure done a stand-up job of that. I’ve never seen someone so hurt compared to when you handed your badge to me and kissed her on the cheek. How do think that made me feel?”
“I didn’t mean it that way. I couldn’t say goodbye. And if I let her ask me to stay, I never would have been able to leave. I had to go away. I wouldn’t have survived if I didn’t. I didn’t have a choice.”
“You had a choice! You could have let her help you. God, if you had seen her…”
-
As soon as the elevator doors closed, Tony saw Abby’s knees tremble. He was glad Ziva was standing close by, so she was able to break Abby’s fall as she crumbled.
“Come on, Abbs. I’ll take you home.” Tony helped her to her feel and wiped her cheeks with his sleeve. “You’ll see him again. Give him a few days, he just got out of the hospital. It’ll be alright.”
Abby cried softly as he drove her back to her apartment. He wished there was something he could say, but knew whatever he said would fall on deaf ears. “S’alright Abbs. It’ll all be okay.” He murmured quietly as much for himself as for her.
He got her inside and into her room and dug for something for her to sleep in. He settled on shorts and a tee, and he waited outside the bathroom as she changed. “Come on, let’s get you into bed.” He ushered her to bed and then undressed down to his boxers. He would have preferred a shower and some time to think, but Abby needed him. He wouldn’t be the second person to walk away from her that day.
“What are we going to do without him?”
“We’ll figure it out. And it’s not like we’ll never see him. Hell, I’m sure you’ll still see him all the time.” Tony smoothed her hair away and covered her forehead in kisses. “He remembers you; it’s what’s important, right?”
Abby nodded and snuggled in closer. “But who will show up just before Major Mass Spec beeps? Who will bring me Caf-Pow and know when I need an extra hug?”
“I can’t promise that I’ll know when to show up, but I’m pretty sure I can remember a Caf-Pow. And if you ever, and I mean EVER need an extra hug, I’m there.”
“I know,” she sniffed. “I’m just going to miss him.”
Then the following day Ducky had called with the news that Gibbs was headed to Mexico.
“Is he going to call her?”
“I’m afraid he’s already left.”
“He WHAT?” Tony held his phone back to look at it and then put it to his ear. “He… left?” Tony had never been so angry in his life. Rather than being a man and telling her himself, he’d left Tony to break the news to her.
---
“He didn’t even say goodbye,” her lip quivered. “I thought he cared about me.”
“Shh, shh…” He pulled her into a tight hug. He was careful to sooth her, but he wasn’t about to lie. When people left like that, they didn’t care about you. Tony had been left enough as a child to know.
He got her home and into bed and waited until she fell asleep before going to the living room to set up his laptop. Director Sheppard and the team were understanding and hadn’t complained.
She had remained calm, almost too calm for what Tony had expected. She asked to be left alone, and only after she promised not to do anything stupid, Tony had left her alone. It wasn’t until a few days later that Tony started to worry. She seemed sluggish as she moved around her lab, her skin looked ashen and her eyes dull.
“Abby?”
“Hmm?” She turned to look at him with sad eyes. “You’ve got something for me?”
“No, just checking in. You okay?” He reached out and felt her forehead.
“I’m fine Tony, just a little tired is all.” She offered a weak smile.
“When was the last time you had anything to eat?”
“I, um... well, I had…”
“Come on, we’re going to lunch. Ziva and McGee can hold down the office. Grab your coat.”
-
“You took care of her. Thank you.”
“It should have been you.”
“It should have, but I couldn’t.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“DiNozzo.”
“No! You should have been the one making sure she ate. You should have been the one to wake her from her nightmares at night after night. You should have been the one to hold her and tell her everything would be alright.”
“I didn’t know if everything would be alright.” Gibbs opened his mouth again to say more, but Tony cut him off.
“And I did? I had Abby to take care of and then I had everyone at NCIS watching me, betting on how long I would last in your shoes. I had no fucking clue if things would be right again, but I held it all together. And stayed.” He’d never said anything, he couldn’t leave Abby like that, but his first thought had been to run. Chicago sounded nice.
-
For three weeks Tony took Abby home after work. They had dinner together, watched a movie and went to bed. He always stayed the night, waking her from her nightmares and rubbing her back until she fell asleep again. One Friday they got drunk and ended up having sex. The next morning they woke up and laughed about how awful the lack of real chemistry had been, and from then on, when they went to sleep a night, Abby cuddled up to Tony, a small smile on her face.
Tony kept track of time, and it took three weeks for Abby to regain the 15lbs she lost and another two weeks before the spark returned to her eyes. She was still spending a majority of her free time with him, but he was only spending the night a few times a week.
It wasn’t until two months after he left that she started seeing her friends outside of work. Three months after Gibbs left, Tony decided she was almost back to normal. There was still a look of sadness in her eyes, but he wasn’t sure that it would ever go away.
Then Gibbs returned to help Ziva. He had panicked when McGee told him Gibbs had gone to see Abby. He raced down to the lab to find that Gibbs had just left. Abby claimed she was fine; he could see through the false smile.
-
“She didn’t talk for three days after you left. To add insult to injury, you came back for someone else. And now you’re back for Fornell?”
“Needs my help,” Gibbs shrugged.
“Are you leaving afterward?”
“What if I was?”
“I’d take Abby away - I won’t let you put her through that again. Do I need to start packing?”
“No. I’m staying.”
“We all know Abby will forgive you, but if you ever hurt her like that again, I-”
Gibbs pushed up off the floor, wobbling slightly due to the alcohol. “I don’t think you understand, Tony. If I stayed…”
“She would do anything for you!” Tony shouted.
“That’s the thing Tony, I would have used her to temporarily ease my pain and that would have ended up hurting her worse. I couldn’t do that to her. I love her and if I had…” He couldn’t finish the thought. He knew she would have been warm and willing in his bed, but with the wound of Shannon and Kelly’s deaths opened again, he knew it would have meant nothing.
The fog lifted and Tony realized that Gibbs was right. Although Abby would have let him use her, Tony would have killed him. No doubt. “Just… just don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.”
“I can do that.”
Tony stared at him a moment then headed for the stairs. “It’s late.”
“You’ve had too much to drink to be safe on the road. You’ll sleep here.” Gibbs instructed.
“Yeah, yeah.” Tony waved him off and went upstairs. He flopped down on the couch and was vaguely aware of Gibbs turning off the lights ten minutes later.
The mouth-watering scent of bacon pulled Tony from his dreamless sleep.
“’Bout time you woke up.” Gibbs was sitting opposite him and there was a plate of bacon and fried potatoes on the coffee table. “Go on, eat up. You need an Advil?”
Tony nodded. His head didn’t hurt that bad, but there was a dull ache behind his eyes. He grimaced at the sight of the slight shading of a bruise on Gibbs’ jaw.
When Gibbs went to fetch a glass of water and an Advil, Tony pulled out his cell to check the time. Shit! Eight missed calls? Abby?
He pressed speed-dial to call her back. “Abby! You okay?” He saw Gibbs return, his eyebrow arched in a silent question.
“I’m fine, I tried calling last night to see if you wanted to come over today. I didn’t mean to call so many times, I just…” She was worried he’d left.
“Oh, I’m uh,” he looked to Gibbs who nodded. “I’m at Gibbs’. Why don’t you come here.”
“To… Gibbs?”
“Yeah.”
“Um, okay. I’ll be right over.” Abby agreed and they hung up.
“Uh, look boss, about last night. I was mad, but I had no reason to attack you like that, and if you-”
“You had every right. Eat up.” Gibbs went to clean up in the kitchen. He needed some time to think before Abby showed up.
She arrived twenty minutes later, and hesitantly walked up to the front door. She thought about knocking, but had never knocked before. It didn’t make sense for Tony to be at Gibbs’ house alone, but she couldn’t think of anyone else he would meet here. Gibbs was in Mexico. Wasn’t he? “Tony?”
“Abby!” He jumped up from his spot on the couch when she stepped inside.
The scent of Gibbs’ house hit her like a ton of bricks and she fought to push that thought from her mind. “You wore that yesterday, did you sleep here?”
He nodded sheepishly. “Got a little drunk.”
“You know, six months ago,” she smiled. “I would have been jealous of you spending the night at Gibbs. Why were you here?”
“Well, I…”
“He came to talk to me.” Gibbs stepped around the corner.
Abby spun around to face him. He saw her tremble slightly and it broke his heart. Then, as quickly as it happened, she steeled her features and any sign of weakness was gone. “You’re here? Is there a case?”
“Fornell re-opened a case I worked with him a few years back.”
“Oh, you’re back for Fornell?” Abby tried to sound as though she didn’t care.
“No. I’m not back for Fornell. I’m back.”
“Back? For good?”
He nodded and watched as a million different emotions flickered in her eyes. He stepped forward, stopping only inches from her.
She flinched. “Don’t.” Her voice wavered.
“Gibbs-” Tony started to protest, but quieted when Gibbs shot him a look over Abby’s shoulder.
He lifted his hand to cup her cheek, but kept his palm from touching her. He wasn’t going to push her, he’d let her take the final step. “Last time I came back because Ziva needed my help, but I wasn’t ready to stay and face the world. This time I’m back for good, and I’m back for you.”
Abby let out a deep sigh and fell slightly forward to lean against his chest. She inhaled deeply; the smell of saw dust and old spice was calming and reassuring. When he’d returned to help Ziva he smelled of stale beer and salt water - he hadn’t been the Gibbs’ she fell in love with. “I want to stay mad at you, but I know that I’ll just end up making myself miserable while I try to ignore you.” She was sure she could hear Tony rolling his eyes behind her.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness, Abbs. I don’t deserve it.”
Abby was quiet for a moment, focusing on breathing in and out and in and out. “I already forgave you. I just can’t… forget.”
Gibbs wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pressed his nose into her hair. He had missed that smell. He’d only been able to hug her once when he returned to help Ziva. Once Abby had found out that he was leaving again as soon as Ziva had been cleared, she’d avoided any physical contact with him. “I’m sorry,” He whispered.
Her arms had hung limp by her sides, but at his apology she wrapped her arms tightly around his middle and turned her head to press her face to his neck. “I know.”
“Yeah, so…” Tony rocked back on his heels. “I’m gonna go, but Abby you call me if you need anything. Okay?”
Abby untangled herself from Gibbs arms and walked over to Tony, wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight hug. “I will.” She kissed his cheek and then wiped at the red smudge she left behind. “Don’t want the ladies in your building to think you had a wild night.”
“Be good.” He kissed her forehead and gave her shoulder a squeeze. He shot a quick glance at Gibbs, but neither man spoke.
“Abby-” He was cut off when threw herself back in his arms, clinging tightly to him, her face pressed to his chest.
“You’re really back?”
“Mm hmm,” he stroked her hair. They stood together in his living room, quietly enjoying the warmth of the others arms. After a few minutes, Gibbs started to pull away.
“Don’t!” Abby’s fists clenched tightly in the fabric of his shirt and she looked, her eyes showing the panic he’d heard in her voice.
“Not going far, just coffee.” He nodded to the coffee maker just feet away. Her grip loosened and Gibbs was able to step away, picking up his coffee cup from the table and heading for the kitchen.
Abby stood awkwardly where Gibbs left her and watched Gibbs as he refilled his cup. She had dreamed of him coming back nightly for weeks on end, each time her reaction different. Sometimes she was mad, other times indifferent, but for the most part she couldn’t stay upset with him. Shortly after he had left she had put her computer and various connections to work, and she had researched all the details surrounding his late wife and daughter and their untimely death.
She thought she understood, in theory, but it still didn’t mean that she agreed with him leaving. She had hated to see him hurt so much and it hurt her to not be able to make things better.
Abby was lost in thought when Gibbs’ hand wrapped around hers. He gave a little tug and she followed him to the couch. She waited until he put his coffee down and then curled into his side. He pulled her legs across his lap and wrapped an arm firmly around her shoulders.
Reaching up, she traced his jaw line with her fingers. “You’ve got a bruise. What happened?”A small smile danced on his lips and suddenly Abby slipped her fingers under his chin to make him look at her. “Oh my God, did Tony hit you?”
“Nothing I didn’t deserve.”
“He was hurt by you leaving too, you know. He pretended he was okay and busied himself by helping me, but he hurt too.”
“I know. I hurt a lot of people.”
“You didn’t mean too.”
“I don’t need you to make excuses. I knew what I was doing, but Abby, you have to know that I didn’t want to hurt you, but no matter if I stayed or left… I would have.”
“Gibbs,” Abby whimpered.
“No Abbs, I know you thought you could have helped me. But if I had let you ask me to stay, I would have ended up hurting you even worse and I couldn’t live with myself if I did that.”
“You wouldn’t-”
“I would have, Abby.” He wanted to stand up and pace, he needed to make her see that had he stayed, he would have damaged whatever it was that they had between them, but she was clinging tightly to him. “I would have used you and then pushed you away. I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror if I did that to you.” He wiped at a tear that rolled down her cheek and smiled when she nuzzled into his palm.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered again as another tear rolled down her cheek.
“Shut up.” She smiled as another tear rolled down her cheek. “You don’t apologize, remember? Or did you forget while you were away?”
“You’re my weakness, Abbs.” He swiped his thumb across her cheek. “I’ll be apologizing until the day I die.”
“I don’t want you to because all it does is remind me that you were gone. I told you I forgive you, but you have to know that every time I can’t find you, or don’t know where you are… I’m going to worry that you left again.”
“I promise.” He made sure she was looking at him. “I promise I will never walk away from you again.” Leaning forward, he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. “Ever.”
Abby smiled. “Can I help you unpack? I don’t like seeing all these boxes around.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I wasn’t planning on getting up yet.” He tightened his grip on her. “Then I was thinking that I could take you to lunch. I owe you a big explanation of a lot of things that I kept quiet about; things that I want you to know.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know, but I want to.”
“Then I want to listen, but for now…” Abby moved to straddle Gibbs’ lap and hugged herself close. “I just want to be here, with you, and not worry. Just hold me.”
“That I can do.”
When Gibbs wrapped his arms around her, Abby cried. She cried harder than she had when she found out about the explosion, harder that when he silenced her in the squad room, harder than when she found out he was gone and harder than when he came back and left again.
Gibbs rubbed her back slowly, and when she finally stopped he pressed his lips to her ear and whispered, “It’ll all be okay.”
And it would.
Gibbs nodded. It was getting late; he was tired and had spent the day unpacking boxes. Now he was ready to spend an hour or two on the boat before bed. He knew he would have to deal with the team, but he hadn’t expected an angry DiNozzo on his doorstep.
“You sick bastard,” Tony let loose and let his fist fly. He was surprised when he actually made contact with Gibbs’ jaw, he half expected to find himself on his ass on the front step. He landed another, then another before shoving Gibbs back into his house and following in. “How could you do this to her?”
Gibbs was silent as he took the punches Tony handed out. He could only assume that Abby was the ‘her’. He knew that he deserved it, so he accepted blow after blow. The image of Abby when he placed his index finger over her soft lips to prevent her from asking him to stay was forever ingrained in his mind.
He tried to ease into the punches - he knew Tony wasn’t hitting with full force, but when Tony caught him in the stomach he doubled over and sank to the floor. He figured once he was on the floor Tony would stop. When Tony reached down to pull him back up, Gibbs kicked out and brought Tony to the ground with a harsh thud.
“That’s enough, DiNozzo,” Gibbs panted.
“It’ll never be enough,” Tony rolled to his back and then looked over at Gibbs. “You didn’t see her.”
“I know.” Gibbs ran his hand through his hair. “I know.”
“You didn’t have to hold her while she cried; you didn’t have to make sure she was eating. You didn’t have to make sure she didn’t drive her fucking car off a cliff and at the same time keep your own damn life from falling apart.”
“I didn’t leave to hurt everyone,” Gibbs confessed. “I left because I did know how to handle my pain.”
“You should have let us help you.”
“I saw her face when she found out about them. I couldn’t handle my own pain and stay strong enough for everyone else.”
“Oh so I had to be? You couldn’t deal with Abby the team and all of your personal stuff, but I could?”
“You were stronger than me. You could handle it.” It wasn’t an apology - not that Tony wanted one - but Tony could tell that the words were sincere.
Having caught his breath, Tony sat up and leaned back, his head thumping against the wall behind him. “She know you’re back?”
“No. Not yet.” He didn’t know how to tell her. He had no clue how to start.
“You sure you’re going to stay?” Tony eyed him cautiously. “She won’t survive you deciding you were better off in Mexico. There will be no way for me to keep her together.”
Gibbs pushed to his feet and gingerly rubbed his jaw, and headed toward the basement. “I need a drink.”
“That’s it? You blow off talk about how hurt she was… is? Because you need a drink?” Tony shook his head and headed for the open front door.
“Are you coming?” Gibbs held open the basement door.
Tony glanced at the basement door and then to his car out on the street before back at Gibbs and the basement door. He wasn’t going to be bought with a drink, but there was no reason to say no to expensive alcohol.
Tony followed cautiously, the realization that he had attacked his boss, former boss - whoever he was - slowly taking over. There were many different tools in the basement, and most, if not all could be used as a deadly weapon.
“Tell me,” Gibbs said as he handed Tony a dusty mug with bourbon.
“Tell you what?” Tony spat, his confidence returning when Gibbs didn’t make a move for his tools.
“About Abby.”
“What about her? About her heart breaking for you when she found out about Shannon and Kelly,” he noticed the way Gibbs tensed at their names. “Or how she fell apart because as much as she wanted to be there for you, you walked away?”
“Everything.”
-
Abby’s hold on Tony’s hand tightened as Ducky explained the basic details of Gibbs’ lost wife and daughter. Her eyes went wide and she turned to stare at Gibbs through the window of his room.
Tears welled instantly and she nearly choked on the lump that formed in her throat.
“That’s… that’s why... and he never told us. Did you know, Ducky?”
“No dear, I had no idea either. I don’t think it’s that he didn’t trust us, but rather…” Ducky had been through divorce after divorce with Gibbs and didn’t think he had held anything back in their friendship. Apparently he was wrong. “He didn’t trust himself with his emotions.” Ducky moved to pull her into a hug, but Abby moved away.
“And now... now he doesn’t even know us. He’ll never want our help.”
“Retrograde amnesia, you said so yourself. He’ll remember. He just needs some time. Don’t fret, Abigail.”
Tony watched as Abby looked back at Gibbs. He was looking at her, but it looked as though his gaze was passing right through her.
-
“All she wanted was to hug you and be there for you, but whenever she stepped into your room you looked at her like she was some crazy devil-worshipper.” Tony took a sip of the bourbon and hissed at the burn. He moved to the far wall and lowered himself to sit on the floor.
“I remember. Tony, I was in 1994, I’d never seen anyone like her before.”
“She told me she was fine, that she was just going to wait you out,” Tony sipped the bourbon again. “She was going to wait until you remembered her and then she was going to go into full-blown Abby-care mode. She was going to cook for you, make sure your laundry got done. She was going to clean your house. You know Abby, she never does anything halfway.” Tony let a small smile tug at his lips. He had received similar treatment while recovering from the plague.
Gibbs followed Tony across the basement and sat beside him on the floor, leaning his back against the wall. “Why? I’ve never needed-”
“No, you’re the great Leroy Jethro Gibbs, and you’ve never needed anyone. But did you ever stop to think that maybe she needed to help you? That she needed to reassure herself that you were okay?”
“I didn’t-”
“Oh shut up.” Tony winced slightly, somewhat expecting a head-slap. “She loves you.”
Gibbs brushed off Tony’s announcement that Abby loved him and took a sip of bourbon.
“I tell you she loves you and you ignore it? You really are a cold bastard.” Tony was getting fed up.
“I know. I know how she feels.” And he did know. He’d known for quite some time that Abby loved him and he didn’t understand why. “I just…”
“You just what?” Tony grabbed the bottle Gibbs had placed between them and refilled his glass.
“I couldn’t figure out how to love her back and not hurt her.”
Tony rolled his eyes. “You’ve sure done a stand-up job of that. I’ve never seen someone so hurt compared to when you handed your badge to me and kissed her on the cheek. How do think that made me feel?”
“I didn’t mean it that way. I couldn’t say goodbye. And if I let her ask me to stay, I never would have been able to leave. I had to go away. I wouldn’t have survived if I didn’t. I didn’t have a choice.”
“You had a choice! You could have let her help you. God, if you had seen her…”
-
As soon as the elevator doors closed, Tony saw Abby’s knees tremble. He was glad Ziva was standing close by, so she was able to break Abby’s fall as she crumbled.
“Come on, Abbs. I’ll take you home.” Tony helped her to her feel and wiped her cheeks with his sleeve. “You’ll see him again. Give him a few days, he just got out of the hospital. It’ll be alright.”
Abby cried softly as he drove her back to her apartment. He wished there was something he could say, but knew whatever he said would fall on deaf ears. “S’alright Abbs. It’ll all be okay.” He murmured quietly as much for himself as for her.
He got her inside and into her room and dug for something for her to sleep in. He settled on shorts and a tee, and he waited outside the bathroom as she changed. “Come on, let’s get you into bed.” He ushered her to bed and then undressed down to his boxers. He would have preferred a shower and some time to think, but Abby needed him. He wouldn’t be the second person to walk away from her that day.
“What are we going to do without him?”
“We’ll figure it out. And it’s not like we’ll never see him. Hell, I’m sure you’ll still see him all the time.” Tony smoothed her hair away and covered her forehead in kisses. “He remembers you; it’s what’s important, right?”
Abby nodded and snuggled in closer. “But who will show up just before Major Mass Spec beeps? Who will bring me Caf-Pow and know when I need an extra hug?”
“I can’t promise that I’ll know when to show up, but I’m pretty sure I can remember a Caf-Pow. And if you ever, and I mean EVER need an extra hug, I’m there.”
“I know,” she sniffed. “I’m just going to miss him.”
Then the following day Ducky had called with the news that Gibbs was headed to Mexico.
“Is he going to call her?”
“I’m afraid he’s already left.”
“He WHAT?” Tony held his phone back to look at it and then put it to his ear. “He… left?” Tony had never been so angry in his life. Rather than being a man and telling her himself, he’d left Tony to break the news to her.
---
“He didn’t even say goodbye,” her lip quivered. “I thought he cared about me.”
“Shh, shh…” He pulled her into a tight hug. He was careful to sooth her, but he wasn’t about to lie. When people left like that, they didn’t care about you. Tony had been left enough as a child to know.
He got her home and into bed and waited until she fell asleep before going to the living room to set up his laptop. Director Sheppard and the team were understanding and hadn’t complained.
She had remained calm, almost too calm for what Tony had expected. She asked to be left alone, and only after she promised not to do anything stupid, Tony had left her alone. It wasn’t until a few days later that Tony started to worry. She seemed sluggish as she moved around her lab, her skin looked ashen and her eyes dull.
“Abby?”
“Hmm?” She turned to look at him with sad eyes. “You’ve got something for me?”
“No, just checking in. You okay?” He reached out and felt her forehead.
“I’m fine Tony, just a little tired is all.” She offered a weak smile.
“When was the last time you had anything to eat?”
“I, um... well, I had…”
“Come on, we’re going to lunch. Ziva and McGee can hold down the office. Grab your coat.”
-
“You took care of her. Thank you.”
“It should have been you.”
“It should have, but I couldn’t.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“DiNozzo.”
“No! You should have been the one making sure she ate. You should have been the one to wake her from her nightmares at night after night. You should have been the one to hold her and tell her everything would be alright.”
“I didn’t know if everything would be alright.” Gibbs opened his mouth again to say more, but Tony cut him off.
“And I did? I had Abby to take care of and then I had everyone at NCIS watching me, betting on how long I would last in your shoes. I had no fucking clue if things would be right again, but I held it all together. And stayed.” He’d never said anything, he couldn’t leave Abby like that, but his first thought had been to run. Chicago sounded nice.
-
For three weeks Tony took Abby home after work. They had dinner together, watched a movie and went to bed. He always stayed the night, waking her from her nightmares and rubbing her back until she fell asleep again. One Friday they got drunk and ended up having sex. The next morning they woke up and laughed about how awful the lack of real chemistry had been, and from then on, when they went to sleep a night, Abby cuddled up to Tony, a small smile on her face.
Tony kept track of time, and it took three weeks for Abby to regain the 15lbs she lost and another two weeks before the spark returned to her eyes. She was still spending a majority of her free time with him, but he was only spending the night a few times a week.
It wasn’t until two months after he left that she started seeing her friends outside of work. Three months after Gibbs left, Tony decided she was almost back to normal. There was still a look of sadness in her eyes, but he wasn’t sure that it would ever go away.
Then Gibbs returned to help Ziva. He had panicked when McGee told him Gibbs had gone to see Abby. He raced down to the lab to find that Gibbs had just left. Abby claimed she was fine; he could see through the false smile.
-
“She didn’t talk for three days after you left. To add insult to injury, you came back for someone else. And now you’re back for Fornell?”
“Needs my help,” Gibbs shrugged.
“Are you leaving afterward?”
“What if I was?”
“I’d take Abby away - I won’t let you put her through that again. Do I need to start packing?”
“No. I’m staying.”
“We all know Abby will forgive you, but if you ever hurt her like that again, I-”
Gibbs pushed up off the floor, wobbling slightly due to the alcohol. “I don’t think you understand, Tony. If I stayed…”
“She would do anything for you!” Tony shouted.
“That’s the thing Tony, I would have used her to temporarily ease my pain and that would have ended up hurting her worse. I couldn’t do that to her. I love her and if I had…” He couldn’t finish the thought. He knew she would have been warm and willing in his bed, but with the wound of Shannon and Kelly’s deaths opened again, he knew it would have meant nothing.
The fog lifted and Tony realized that Gibbs was right. Although Abby would have let him use her, Tony would have killed him. No doubt. “Just… just don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.”
“I can do that.”
Tony stared at him a moment then headed for the stairs. “It’s late.”
“You’ve had too much to drink to be safe on the road. You’ll sleep here.” Gibbs instructed.
“Yeah, yeah.” Tony waved him off and went upstairs. He flopped down on the couch and was vaguely aware of Gibbs turning off the lights ten minutes later.
The mouth-watering scent of bacon pulled Tony from his dreamless sleep.
“’Bout time you woke up.” Gibbs was sitting opposite him and there was a plate of bacon and fried potatoes on the coffee table. “Go on, eat up. You need an Advil?”
Tony nodded. His head didn’t hurt that bad, but there was a dull ache behind his eyes. He grimaced at the sight of the slight shading of a bruise on Gibbs’ jaw.
When Gibbs went to fetch a glass of water and an Advil, Tony pulled out his cell to check the time. Shit! Eight missed calls? Abby?
He pressed speed-dial to call her back. “Abby! You okay?” He saw Gibbs return, his eyebrow arched in a silent question.
“I’m fine, I tried calling last night to see if you wanted to come over today. I didn’t mean to call so many times, I just…” She was worried he’d left.
“Oh, I’m uh,” he looked to Gibbs who nodded. “I’m at Gibbs’. Why don’t you come here.”
“To… Gibbs?”
“Yeah.”
“Um, okay. I’ll be right over.” Abby agreed and they hung up.
“Uh, look boss, about last night. I was mad, but I had no reason to attack you like that, and if you-”
“You had every right. Eat up.” Gibbs went to clean up in the kitchen. He needed some time to think before Abby showed up.
She arrived twenty minutes later, and hesitantly walked up to the front door. She thought about knocking, but had never knocked before. It didn’t make sense for Tony to be at Gibbs’ house alone, but she couldn’t think of anyone else he would meet here. Gibbs was in Mexico. Wasn’t he? “Tony?”
“Abby!” He jumped up from his spot on the couch when she stepped inside.
The scent of Gibbs’ house hit her like a ton of bricks and she fought to push that thought from her mind. “You wore that yesterday, did you sleep here?”
He nodded sheepishly. “Got a little drunk.”
“You know, six months ago,” she smiled. “I would have been jealous of you spending the night at Gibbs. Why were you here?”
“Well, I…”
“He came to talk to me.” Gibbs stepped around the corner.
Abby spun around to face him. He saw her tremble slightly and it broke his heart. Then, as quickly as it happened, she steeled her features and any sign of weakness was gone. “You’re here? Is there a case?”
“Fornell re-opened a case I worked with him a few years back.”
“Oh, you’re back for Fornell?” Abby tried to sound as though she didn’t care.
“No. I’m not back for Fornell. I’m back.”
“Back? For good?”
He nodded and watched as a million different emotions flickered in her eyes. He stepped forward, stopping only inches from her.
She flinched. “Don’t.” Her voice wavered.
“Gibbs-” Tony started to protest, but quieted when Gibbs shot him a look over Abby’s shoulder.
He lifted his hand to cup her cheek, but kept his palm from touching her. He wasn’t going to push her, he’d let her take the final step. “Last time I came back because Ziva needed my help, but I wasn’t ready to stay and face the world. This time I’m back for good, and I’m back for you.”
Abby let out a deep sigh and fell slightly forward to lean against his chest. She inhaled deeply; the smell of saw dust and old spice was calming and reassuring. When he’d returned to help Ziva he smelled of stale beer and salt water - he hadn’t been the Gibbs’ she fell in love with. “I want to stay mad at you, but I know that I’ll just end up making myself miserable while I try to ignore you.” She was sure she could hear Tony rolling his eyes behind her.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness, Abbs. I don’t deserve it.”
Abby was quiet for a moment, focusing on breathing in and out and in and out. “I already forgave you. I just can’t… forget.”
Gibbs wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pressed his nose into her hair. He had missed that smell. He’d only been able to hug her once when he returned to help Ziva. Once Abby had found out that he was leaving again as soon as Ziva had been cleared, she’d avoided any physical contact with him. “I’m sorry,” He whispered.
Her arms had hung limp by her sides, but at his apology she wrapped her arms tightly around his middle and turned her head to press her face to his neck. “I know.”
“Yeah, so…” Tony rocked back on his heels. “I’m gonna go, but Abby you call me if you need anything. Okay?”
Abby untangled herself from Gibbs arms and walked over to Tony, wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight hug. “I will.” She kissed his cheek and then wiped at the red smudge she left behind. “Don’t want the ladies in your building to think you had a wild night.”
“Be good.” He kissed her forehead and gave her shoulder a squeeze. He shot a quick glance at Gibbs, but neither man spoke.
“Abby-” He was cut off when threw herself back in his arms, clinging tightly to him, her face pressed to his chest.
“You’re really back?”
“Mm hmm,” he stroked her hair. They stood together in his living room, quietly enjoying the warmth of the others arms. After a few minutes, Gibbs started to pull away.
“Don’t!” Abby’s fists clenched tightly in the fabric of his shirt and she looked, her eyes showing the panic he’d heard in her voice.
“Not going far, just coffee.” He nodded to the coffee maker just feet away. Her grip loosened and Gibbs was able to step away, picking up his coffee cup from the table and heading for the kitchen.
Abby stood awkwardly where Gibbs left her and watched Gibbs as he refilled his cup. She had dreamed of him coming back nightly for weeks on end, each time her reaction different. Sometimes she was mad, other times indifferent, but for the most part she couldn’t stay upset with him. Shortly after he had left she had put her computer and various connections to work, and she had researched all the details surrounding his late wife and daughter and their untimely death.
She thought she understood, in theory, but it still didn’t mean that she agreed with him leaving. She had hated to see him hurt so much and it hurt her to not be able to make things better.
Abby was lost in thought when Gibbs’ hand wrapped around hers. He gave a little tug and she followed him to the couch. She waited until he put his coffee down and then curled into his side. He pulled her legs across his lap and wrapped an arm firmly around her shoulders.
Reaching up, she traced his jaw line with her fingers. “You’ve got a bruise. What happened?”A small smile danced on his lips and suddenly Abby slipped her fingers under his chin to make him look at her. “Oh my God, did Tony hit you?”
“Nothing I didn’t deserve.”
“He was hurt by you leaving too, you know. He pretended he was okay and busied himself by helping me, but he hurt too.”
“I know. I hurt a lot of people.”
“You didn’t mean too.”
“I don’t need you to make excuses. I knew what I was doing, but Abby, you have to know that I didn’t want to hurt you, but no matter if I stayed or left… I would have.”
“Gibbs,” Abby whimpered.
“No Abbs, I know you thought you could have helped me. But if I had let you ask me to stay, I would have ended up hurting you even worse and I couldn’t live with myself if I did that.”
“You wouldn’t-”
“I would have, Abby.” He wanted to stand up and pace, he needed to make her see that had he stayed, he would have damaged whatever it was that they had between them, but she was clinging tightly to him. “I would have used you and then pushed you away. I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror if I did that to you.” He wiped at a tear that rolled down her cheek and smiled when she nuzzled into his palm.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered again as another tear rolled down her cheek.
“Shut up.” She smiled as another tear rolled down her cheek. “You don’t apologize, remember? Or did you forget while you were away?”
“You’re my weakness, Abbs.” He swiped his thumb across her cheek. “I’ll be apologizing until the day I die.”
“I don’t want you to because all it does is remind me that you were gone. I told you I forgive you, but you have to know that every time I can’t find you, or don’t know where you are… I’m going to worry that you left again.”
“I promise.” He made sure she was looking at him. “I promise I will never walk away from you again.” Leaning forward, he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. “Ever.”
Abby smiled. “Can I help you unpack? I don’t like seeing all these boxes around.”
“No.”
“No?”
“I wasn’t planning on getting up yet.” He tightened his grip on her. “Then I was thinking that I could take you to lunch. I owe you a big explanation of a lot of things that I kept quiet about; things that I want you to know.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know, but I want to.”
“Then I want to listen, but for now…” Abby moved to straddle Gibbs’ lap and hugged herself close. “I just want to be here, with you, and not worry. Just hold me.”
“That I can do.”
When Gibbs wrapped his arms around her, Abby cried. She cried harder than she had when she found out about the explosion, harder that when he silenced her in the squad room, harder than when she found out he was gone and harder than when he came back and left again.
Gibbs rubbed her back slowly, and when she finally stopped he pressed his lips to her ear and whispered, “It’ll all be okay.”
And it would.