Nothing quite so fabulous
Once again the time has come where life has come to a stand still, leaving this man, if he can be so called, at a low point of opinion. By this I refer to both creative views and a certain personal self loathing. If my entire life were some sort of sick/twisted Truman show, I would have long been canceled. In recent years I found ideas, conversations, friendships, and personal effort to flow freely, whereas now I feel overshadowed and ignored. Not to the fault of anyone else in my life, just as personal road block that can't be overcome with my current sources. Even now I struggle to find the correct words to exert a personal voice to truly show who I am, despite former written endeavours and commentaries *however private* coming at a moments notice. I feel as though I am becoming increasingly less intelligent and capable of expressing thoughts and maintaining my individualism amongst a never ending crowd of ever improving alternatives. I used to pride myself on my ability to keep others attention, only to realize now that this hinged primarily on the fact that my subject audiences were small at best. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, but I am feeling as though however many people may love me, that shall always hold someone else more dear in their heart. Which is not to say that I feel depressed or as though I am in any way horrible. I would be too naive and short sighted to say that nobody likes me or that I am perceived as lackluster. What I am trying to convey is not a sense of inadequecy at all. To be frank, I don't want to be, and to quote "The Death of a Salesman", liked but not well liked. I feel an urge to be revered on some small level because of any particular skill, all of which I feel I lack the ability to reach a climax. Perhaps I am just being cynical, as I am oft accused, but the more obvious conclusion is that I might just have to finally group up and realized what every who isn't destined for greatness must, there is simply nothing special about me, apart from my ability to feel bad for myself. At times I have considered myself a poet, a musician, an intellecual, a philosopher, and perhaps ever a romantic, but I know now that I am certainly not sweeping anyone off their feet.