"Coup de Foudre" 133
I apologize for the delay, but...
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, August 2016
“I don’t know what the fuck to say to him.”
Justin sighed. “He’s your son, Brian. You’ll know what to say. Or just don’t say anything. But whatever you do, it’s time to put all this in the past. Both of you need to put on your big-boy pants and move on. Are you listening to me?”
Brian grimaced. “Yes, I’m fucking listening to you! Jesus! I hate it when you take my words and use them against me.”
“I’m not using them against you,” Justin replied. “I’m using them for you. And for Gus. The kid is reaching out. He wouldn’t have come to the loft if he didn’t want things to change for the better. The question now is whether or not you want to reach out to him.”
“It’s hard,” Brian said softly.
“I know it is.” Justin took Brian’s hand. “But you’ve been through things much harder than this. We both have.”
“I keep thinking that…” Brian stopped and shook his head.
“What?” Justin asked.
“That… it was the three of us for so long,” he continued. “Me and Gus… and Ron. Whenever Gus and I butted heads, Ron was the mediator. In a lot of ways he was a much better father than I was. He knew how to talk to Gus. He knew the right things to say to him. The right way to… to…” Brian frowned, searching for the correct word. “Approach things? Make things the way they should be. You know I’ve never been good with feelings. I’ve never been good at reading other people. Or if I did know the right thing to do, I didn’t want to do it because of… of… of some bullshit idea… bullshit philosophy that I was trying to… to… Fuck! Now I’m all turned around.”
“No, you’re not,” Justin said gently. He knew how difficult it was for Brian to convey his meaning sometimes. He was getting better, but it was still hard. Talking about his emotions, as he himself had pointed out, had never been his strong suit. But it was so much harder now, when his mind was still tangled up. “I think you know exactly how you feel. You have to trust those feelings. Remember what Dr. Deutsch told you?”
“Go slowly?” said Brian.
“And?” Justin coaxed.
“Go slowly, but move ahead,” Brian stated.
“And this is part of that,” said Justin. “Shall we go in? Debbie is peeking out the window and I see Michael and Gus waiting for us in the backyard.”
“Another fucking cookout!” Brian exclaimed.
“It’s summer. That’s what you do in the summer - you cook out.” Justin opened the door of the Jeep. “Especially at Deb’s!”
“Wait,” said Brian.
Justin raised an eyebrow. “What?”
“I’m sorry I talked about Ron,” Brian said. “I don’t mean to compare him to you. I mean, the two of you aren’t the same. And he and Gus… I mean… Fuck!”
“Brian, it’s okay. You can talk about Ron. It doesn’t bother me,” Justin said. “He’s still a reality in your life - and in Gus’s. I’m not threatened by him.” Justin paused, as if trying to convince himself of the truth of that statement. “Well, sometimes I am. But we are - were - two different people. I know you loved us both. I can live with that.” I hope, he added to himself.
“Okay.” Brian got out of the Jeep. “I think I’m ready for the firing squad.”
“No firing squad!” Justin laughed. “Only one of Debbie’s dinners!”
“Same thing,” Brian mumbled.
They headed into the backyard where Michael and Gus were standing there, watching and waiting, by the picnic table.
“Hey!” said Justin. “We’re here.”
They all stood for a moment, expectantly.
Then Gus broke and ran to Brian, throwing his arms around him. “Daddy!”
Brian hugged his son tightly. “Gus. I’ve missed you.”
“Did you really, Daddy? Because I missed you. I missed you so much! Please don’t hate me!” Gus pleaded. “I’m so sorry. Sorry for everything! Just don’t hate me!”
“I could never hate you,” Brian whispered. “I love you. Never forget that.”
“I’m glad you came,” said Gus. “And… and Justin, too. I don’t hate him, either. Please believe me!”
“I believe you.” Brian pulled back. “We don’t want to get too mushy in front of Michael, right?”
“Right,” said Gus. But he kept one arm wrapped around his father. “Shit! I forgot about your shoulder. Did I hurt you?”
“Nope,” said Brian. “I didn’t feel a thing.” He turned. “My shoulder is great, isn’t it, Justin?”
Justin nodded. “Much better.”
Gus reached out his hand to Justin. “Thanks. I mean… for everything you’ve done.”
Justin felt himself choking up. He took Gus’s hand and squeezed it. “As long as everything is okay now, that’s all that matters. Everything is all right, isn’t it?”
Gus nodded. “I think so. I’m trying. I just seem to fuck…” He glanced over to where Debbie was coming down the back steps, her hands on her hips. “I mean, screw everything up.”
“You’re fine,” said Brian. “Isn’t he, Deb?”
“Fine as a fucking fiddle!” Debbie laughed. “I keep him in line just like I used to keep Michael in line.” She suddenly smacked Michael on the side of the head.
“Oww!” Michael cried. “Why did you do that? I didn’t do anything!”
“That’s a reminder,” said Debbie. “Everyone needs a reminder now and then - and that includes you, Brian. Or do I need to whack you, too?”
Brian took a step back. “No thanks. The last thing I need is another fucking hit in the head.”
Justin moved forward to steer Brian and Gus towards the picnic table. “I think everyone is good, right?”
“I hope so,” said Michael. “I finished cleaning the picnic table and Gus has the grill ready.”
“Then fire it up!” said Debbie. “Those burgers won’t wait all day. By the way, where’s Ben?”
“He should be here by now,” said Michael, checking his phone. “No messages. I hope he didn’t have trouble with the car. He was going to make his tofu salad with sprouts.”
“Tofu? Shit!” Both Brian and Gus exclaimed at the same time.
Brian looked at his son. “What goes up the chimney?”
“Smoke,” said Gus. “What comes down the chimney?”
“Santa Claus,” Brian responded.
Debbie rolled her eyes. “You two! Like two fucking peas in one fucking pod!”
“I think I hear Ben’s car,” said Michael. “Ben?”
“I’m here!” Ben called. He walked into the backyard, carrying the plastic container with the salad. “And look who I ran across on Liberty Avenue when I went to pick up my meds.”
Michael blinked. “Jesus.”
“Not quite. It’s only me. I didn’t bring anything, but I hope it’s okay that I came. Ben sort of insisted.”
“Of course it’s okay!” said Debbie. “You’re always welcome here!”
“I wasn’t sure,” said Emmett. “I didn’t want to intrude.”
Deb sniffed. “You’re not intruding, honey. You lived here, just like Michael and Justin and now Gus is living here. You’re one of the family.”
“I didn’t know Gus was staying here now.” Emmett looked at Brian. “You’re looking good, Brian. I hope you’re feeling a lot better.”
“Thanks,” said Brian. “I’m taking it one day at a time, right, Justin?”
“Right, Brian.” Justin smiled. “It’s nice to see you, Em.” He hesitated a moment and then he hugged Emmett. “I mean that. It’s not the old gang without you.”
Emmett turned to Michael. “Do you feel that way, too?”
Michael nodded. “Yeah, I feel that way. I can’t even remember what we argued about.”
“It doesn’t matter,” said Brian. “Don’t we have some fucking burgers to burn?”
Gus stifled a laugh. “And tofu salad!”
“Twat!” said Brian. “Go and help Deb. And ask Carl to bring out some beer!”
“Oh, yeah?” said Debbie. “Beer? Since when?”
“I’m allowed one,” said Brian. “My doctor said so.”
“Me, too!” said Gus.
“No fucking beer until you’re 18!” Debbie asserted.
“I’m going to be 16 in two weeks,” said Gus. “It’s not like I’m a kid or anything.”
“16 in two weeks,” Brian said, almost to himself. “That’s a fucking long time.”
“Not so long,” Justin answered. “It’s only time, after all.”
