"Coup de Foudre" 85
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, July 2016
The boat was skimming the water, traveling west, traveling fast.
The sun was hot on Justin’s face and the spray from the Pacific was cooling. The sensation of the hot air and the cool water made Justin feel calm and drowsy and elated, all at once.
Brian stood at the steering wheel, wearing nothing but a loose pair of shorts. His golden skin was red across the shoulders and his eyes were shaded by aviator Ray-Bans. His hair blew back from his face.
The boat churned on, cutting the waves.
Justin didn’t know where they were going and he didn’t care. He was happy. It was like he’d never been happy before and now he was. He threw his head back and laughed.
“How far are you willing to go?” asked a voice.
Justin looked up.
Ron was sitting next to him on a deck chair. He was wearing a blue golf shirt and cut off jeans. His face was deeply tanned and gray streaked his dark auburn hair. Justin knew it was Ron from the photograph on Brian’s desk and all the photos from ‘People’ and from the one time he’d seen him sitting in Brian’s office, waiting. He seemed to be waiting again.
“What are you doing here?” Justin said.
“I asked you how far you were willing to go,” Ron repeated.
“I don’t know what you mean,” said Justin. Now he was afraid, like a cloud had covered the bright July sun. He shivered.
“Yes you do,” said Ron, his face passive. “How many times have you gotten on this boat and then jumped off at the last minute? How many chances do you think you’ll get?”
“I… I don’t know,” said Justin.
“You better figure it out,” Ron snapped. He looked directly at Justin. His pale blue eyes were transparent. His whole body was transparent. “Because I can’t ride until the end. I hoped that I could, but it didn’t happen. There are so many things I regret now, but it’s too late. What do you regret, Justin?”
“Too many things!” Justin admitted. “But I was young. I made mistakes. But so did Brian. We both did.”
“Maybe he’s paying for his mistakes now,” said Ron. “But he’ll have another chance. What about you? How will you pay? How, Justin?”
“I won’t run away!” Justin exclaimed. “I won’t! I’ll ride this to the end.”
“So you say,” said Ron. Then he stood up and walked across the deck of the boat to where Brian was steering. Brian didn’t look at him or acknowledge that he was there. Ron stared at him sadly. “Goodbye, Baby. I never loved anyone but you. But you already know that.” Then he kissed him on the cheek and disappeared.
“Ron!” Justin shouted. “Wait! Tell me what I have to do! Tell me if Brian will be okay. Tell me…”
“Darling? Justin?”
He awoke with a start. “What?”
“Darling, you were dreaming,” said Jennifer.
Justin blinked in confusion. He was sitting on the chair next to Brian’s bed and Jennifer was sitting next to him, her hand on his arm. “Mom, what are you doing here?”
“Debbie called and told me what happened,” she said. “Why didn’t you let me know?”
Justin was shivering. The hospital room was freezing cold, but it was more than the temperature that made Justin shake. “So much was going on, Mom. I was going to call you, but… I don’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you and Brian were seeing each other again?” Jennifer asked gently.
Justin shrugged. He couldn’t meet her eyes. “I didn’t think you’d want to hear it. Especially not after all that stuff about the wedding and me leaving and then Brian leaving and… it’s a fucking soap opera, all right, Mom? How could I tell you what was going on? You’d tell me I was crazy.”
Jennifer stroked her son’s arm. The pale skin was cold to the touch. “What about Robbie?”
“I fucked up with Robbie, like all the others,” said Justin. “What else can I tell you?”
“Darling, you’re freezing,” said Jennifer. “I should have remembered how they keep these units so cold, I would’ve brought a sweater for you. Do you want me to go home and get you one?”
“There’s a sweatshirt in my duffle-bag,” said Justin. He indicated the bag he’d brought from the apartment, which he’d shoved in the corner to get it out of the way of the nurses going in and out.
Jennifer immediately went to the bag and opened it, pulling out the sweatshirt. “Put this on, honey. I don’t want you to catch a chill in here. I remember when I was sitting next to you in the ICU while you were comatose I barely felt the cold. It was like everything was frozen - my body, my heart, my mind. Someone came and put a sweater around me. I realized later that it was Debbie. I recognized the sweater as one of hers. It was bright purple with sparkles.” Jennifer laughed. “It had to be, right?”
“I’m glad she called you,” Justin confessed. “But you don’t have to stay here with me. I’m okay. Michael and Ben will be in later. And Deb and Carl are bringing Gus. Brian will be asleep for a while. They induced a coma. They said it should be 48 hours. That’s not much compared to…”
“Compared to you?” Jennifer said. “Even a minute unconscious seems too long. You spend those minutes, those hours, those days, wondering what you did wrong. Wondering how you can ever make it right. And then you realize that it’s not in your hands. You can only wait. Wait and hope. And maybe cry. I did a lot of that - cry.”
“I’m sorry, Mom,” said Justin. He remembered being in her condo, throwing things, shouting, shoving his mother against a wall, out of control while his head ached so much he couldn’t take it. “I was a shit to you when I came home from the hospital.”
“You were injured,” she replied. “I didn’t blame you, darling. It wasn’t your fault what happened.”
“No,” Justin whispered. “You didn’t blame me, you blamed Brian.”
“And I was wrong about that,” Jennifer admitted. “But I needed someone to blame. My life was falling apart. Your father was full of rage at both me and you. Your sister was confused and clingy. The police and lawyers were no help at all - I knew from the start that Chris Hobbs would get away with almost killing you, but it was out of my hands. I could only pray that you’d live and come home without too much damage. That was the most I could hope for. And you did. You came home. The rest, well…”
“I was damaged, Mom,” said Justin, gazing at Brian’s still form. The sound of the ventilator filled the room. It was like a heartbeat, pumping air into Brian’s lungs, cooling his broken brain. “I could walk and talk and eventually I could even draw, but I wasn’t the same. I’ve never been the same. And now I’m afraid that… that Brian will never be the same, either. Just when I was starting to feel like there was hope for us, this had to happen.”
“Things happen,” said Jennifer. “You have to deal with those things as they come.”
“I know.” Justin blinked back tears. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of his mother. He wanted to be strong and brave and capable, not a tearful little fag. “But… but what if Brian can’t remember me? Can’t remember that we were getting back together? I lost part of my memory when that fucking bat hit my head and it ruined us then. And now it’s going to happen again! If it does, then I can’t take it, Mom, I just can’t!”
Jennifer took her son in her arms. She had always loved him so much - her beautiful, golden-haired son! But his life had been too sad. All the promise that he’d shown so early seemed to have dissipated over the years. All the hope and courage he’d radiated had been beaten down by frustration and disappointments. Once, she’d wanted Justin to be rich and famous, recognized for his talent and for the odds he’d beaten as a young gay man in a homophobic world. But now… now she only wanted him to have some happiness in his life. Any kind of happiness. But that, too, seemed to be slipping away.
“Brian will be fine,” she said. “You’ll see. And you’ll help him. If you love him, you’ll do what you need to do.”
“I do love him.” Justin wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. “But will that be enough? Can I be strong enough not to… to bail out again. Because I’m sick of running away whenever a relationship gets too hard. Sometimes it seems like everything I want is within reach… and then I bolt. Why do I do that? Why, Mom?”
“I don’t know, darling,” she said sadly, knowing it was true. She didn’t want to ask this now, but she had to. She had to know, even after all these years. “When you and Brian were going to have your ceremony, you were so happy. I don’t ever remember you being that happy. You were almost breathless. Do you remember me coming over to the loft that time? We were both so giddy.”
Justin nodded. “We were dancing. I was happy, Mom. So fucking happy.”
“So what happened?” she asked. “The next thing I knew, the ceremony was off and you were getting ready to leave town. And Brian… Brian was devastated. I know because I saw him afterwards. I tried to speak to him about it, but he would only say that you’d made your decision and it was for the best. He didn’t believe that and I don’t think I did either. You don’t have to go into detail, but tell me… did he do something? Say something? Hurt you in some way you couldn’t forgive?”
Justin swallowed. “No, Mom. None of those things. It was me. I bailed. I ran away.” Justin closed his eyes. “Ron was right. I have to know how far I’m willing to go. Because if I’m not going all the way, if I’m not going to be there for Brian forever, then… then I’ll never be happy. I’ll always be looking for what I already had. I’ll just fuck up again and again until there’s nothing left to fuck up.”
Jennifer frowned. “Ron? Ron who?”
“No one,” said Justin. “Something I was thinking about. Something I dreamed.”
“If you say so, darling.” Jennifer stood up. She rubbed her hands over her upper arms, forcing the blood into them. “Why don’t we go and get some coffee? That should warm us both up.”
“You go,” said Justin. “You can bring me back a cup. Ask Mrs. Williams, the charge nurse. She’ll tell you where the cafeteria is. I don’t want to leave Brian alone.”
Jennifer looked at Brian in the bed. He wasn’t going to move. And he had no idea Justin was there, any more than Justin had been aware that she’d been there, by his side, for all those days in his coma. “At least put on this sweatshirt.” Jennifer held it up. “Please?”
Justin sighed and let his mother slip the sweatshirt over his head. “Satisfied?”
“Yes,” she said. “Although it’s a mess. It’s all covered with old paint stains. But you look a little warmer.”
“Thanks, Mom. The stains don’t bother me. And I do feel better.”
“Good.” Jennifer kissed him lightly. “I’ll bring back the coffee.” Then she went out.
Justin stared at Brian for a while, listening to the machines pumping in and out. The small movement of his bare chest, up and down.
Music. That’s what they needed.
Justin sorted through the CD’s and picked out Miles Davis’ ‘Kind of Blue.’ That matched how Justin felt. He put it into the old CD player and listened as the music insinuated itself through the dim hospital room.
He sat down next to Brian’s bed and watched him, looking for any sign of movement, even a flicker, although he knew that in the induced coma Brian was virtually paralyzed.
“What are you dreaming?” Justin asked. “Is Ron there with you? Or has he really gone away and left you to me? And where is that boat going, Brian? To what unknown land? Can you tell me?”
But Brian wasn’t ready to open his eyes and give up his secrets.
Not just yet.
Pittsburgh, July 2016
The boat was skimming the water, traveling west, traveling fast.
The sun was hot on Justin’s face and the spray from the Pacific was cooling. The sensation of the hot air and the cool water made Justin feel calm and drowsy and elated, all at once.
Brian stood at the steering wheel, wearing nothing but a loose pair of shorts. His golden skin was red across the shoulders and his eyes were shaded by aviator Ray-Bans. His hair blew back from his face.
The boat churned on, cutting the waves.
Justin didn’t know where they were going and he didn’t care. He was happy. It was like he’d never been happy before and now he was. He threw his head back and laughed.
“How far are you willing to go?” asked a voice.
Justin looked up.
Ron was sitting next to him on a deck chair. He was wearing a blue golf shirt and cut off jeans. His face was deeply tanned and gray streaked his dark auburn hair. Justin knew it was Ron from the photograph on Brian’s desk and all the photos from ‘People’ and from the one time he’d seen him sitting in Brian’s office, waiting. He seemed to be waiting again.
“What are you doing here?” Justin said.
“I asked you how far you were willing to go,” Ron repeated.
“I don’t know what you mean,” said Justin. Now he was afraid, like a cloud had covered the bright July sun. He shivered.
“Yes you do,” said Ron, his face passive. “How many times have you gotten on this boat and then jumped off at the last minute? How many chances do you think you’ll get?”
“I… I don’t know,” said Justin.
“You better figure it out,” Ron snapped. He looked directly at Justin. His pale blue eyes were transparent. His whole body was transparent. “Because I can’t ride until the end. I hoped that I could, but it didn’t happen. There are so many things I regret now, but it’s too late. What do you regret, Justin?”
“Too many things!” Justin admitted. “But I was young. I made mistakes. But so did Brian. We both did.”
“Maybe he’s paying for his mistakes now,” said Ron. “But he’ll have another chance. What about you? How will you pay? How, Justin?”
“I won’t run away!” Justin exclaimed. “I won’t! I’ll ride this to the end.”
“So you say,” said Ron. Then he stood up and walked across the deck of the boat to where Brian was steering. Brian didn’t look at him or acknowledge that he was there. Ron stared at him sadly. “Goodbye, Baby. I never loved anyone but you. But you already know that.” Then he kissed him on the cheek and disappeared.
“Ron!” Justin shouted. “Wait! Tell me what I have to do! Tell me if Brian will be okay. Tell me…”
“Darling? Justin?”
He awoke with a start. “What?”
“Darling, you were dreaming,” said Jennifer.
Justin blinked in confusion. He was sitting on the chair next to Brian’s bed and Jennifer was sitting next to him, her hand on his arm. “Mom, what are you doing here?”
“Debbie called and told me what happened,” she said. “Why didn’t you let me know?”
Justin was shivering. The hospital room was freezing cold, but it was more than the temperature that made Justin shake. “So much was going on, Mom. I was going to call you, but… I don’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you and Brian were seeing each other again?” Jennifer asked gently.
Justin shrugged. He couldn’t meet her eyes. “I didn’t think you’d want to hear it. Especially not after all that stuff about the wedding and me leaving and then Brian leaving and… it’s a fucking soap opera, all right, Mom? How could I tell you what was going on? You’d tell me I was crazy.”
Jennifer stroked her son’s arm. The pale skin was cold to the touch. “What about Robbie?”
“I fucked up with Robbie, like all the others,” said Justin. “What else can I tell you?”
“Darling, you’re freezing,” said Jennifer. “I should have remembered how they keep these units so cold, I would’ve brought a sweater for you. Do you want me to go home and get you one?”
“There’s a sweatshirt in my duffle-bag,” said Justin. He indicated the bag he’d brought from the apartment, which he’d shoved in the corner to get it out of the way of the nurses going in and out.
Jennifer immediately went to the bag and opened it, pulling out the sweatshirt. “Put this on, honey. I don’t want you to catch a chill in here. I remember when I was sitting next to you in the ICU while you were comatose I barely felt the cold. It was like everything was frozen - my body, my heart, my mind. Someone came and put a sweater around me. I realized later that it was Debbie. I recognized the sweater as one of hers. It was bright purple with sparkles.” Jennifer laughed. “It had to be, right?”
“I’m glad she called you,” Justin confessed. “But you don’t have to stay here with me. I’m okay. Michael and Ben will be in later. And Deb and Carl are bringing Gus. Brian will be asleep for a while. They induced a coma. They said it should be 48 hours. That’s not much compared to…”
“Compared to you?” Jennifer said. “Even a minute unconscious seems too long. You spend those minutes, those hours, those days, wondering what you did wrong. Wondering how you can ever make it right. And then you realize that it’s not in your hands. You can only wait. Wait and hope. And maybe cry. I did a lot of that - cry.”
“I’m sorry, Mom,” said Justin. He remembered being in her condo, throwing things, shouting, shoving his mother against a wall, out of control while his head ached so much he couldn’t take it. “I was a shit to you when I came home from the hospital.”
“You were injured,” she replied. “I didn’t blame you, darling. It wasn’t your fault what happened.”
“No,” Justin whispered. “You didn’t blame me, you blamed Brian.”
“And I was wrong about that,” Jennifer admitted. “But I needed someone to blame. My life was falling apart. Your father was full of rage at both me and you. Your sister was confused and clingy. The police and lawyers were no help at all - I knew from the start that Chris Hobbs would get away with almost killing you, but it was out of my hands. I could only pray that you’d live and come home without too much damage. That was the most I could hope for. And you did. You came home. The rest, well…”
“I was damaged, Mom,” said Justin, gazing at Brian’s still form. The sound of the ventilator filled the room. It was like a heartbeat, pumping air into Brian’s lungs, cooling his broken brain. “I could walk and talk and eventually I could even draw, but I wasn’t the same. I’ve never been the same. And now I’m afraid that… that Brian will never be the same, either. Just when I was starting to feel like there was hope for us, this had to happen.”
“Things happen,” said Jennifer. “You have to deal with those things as they come.”
“I know.” Justin blinked back tears. The last thing he wanted to do was cry in front of his mother. He wanted to be strong and brave and capable, not a tearful little fag. “But… but what if Brian can’t remember me? Can’t remember that we were getting back together? I lost part of my memory when that fucking bat hit my head and it ruined us then. And now it’s going to happen again! If it does, then I can’t take it, Mom, I just can’t!”
Jennifer took her son in her arms. She had always loved him so much - her beautiful, golden-haired son! But his life had been too sad. All the promise that he’d shown so early seemed to have dissipated over the years. All the hope and courage he’d radiated had been beaten down by frustration and disappointments. Once, she’d wanted Justin to be rich and famous, recognized for his talent and for the odds he’d beaten as a young gay man in a homophobic world. But now… now she only wanted him to have some happiness in his life. Any kind of happiness. But that, too, seemed to be slipping away.
“Brian will be fine,” she said. “You’ll see. And you’ll help him. If you love him, you’ll do what you need to do.”
“I do love him.” Justin wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. “But will that be enough? Can I be strong enough not to… to bail out again. Because I’m sick of running away whenever a relationship gets too hard. Sometimes it seems like everything I want is within reach… and then I bolt. Why do I do that? Why, Mom?”
“I don’t know, darling,” she said sadly, knowing it was true. She didn’t want to ask this now, but she had to. She had to know, even after all these years. “When you and Brian were going to have your ceremony, you were so happy. I don’t ever remember you being that happy. You were almost breathless. Do you remember me coming over to the loft that time? We were both so giddy.”
Justin nodded. “We were dancing. I was happy, Mom. So fucking happy.”
“So what happened?” she asked. “The next thing I knew, the ceremony was off and you were getting ready to leave town. And Brian… Brian was devastated. I know because I saw him afterwards. I tried to speak to him about it, but he would only say that you’d made your decision and it was for the best. He didn’t believe that and I don’t think I did either. You don’t have to go into detail, but tell me… did he do something? Say something? Hurt you in some way you couldn’t forgive?”
Justin swallowed. “No, Mom. None of those things. It was me. I bailed. I ran away.” Justin closed his eyes. “Ron was right. I have to know how far I’m willing to go. Because if I’m not going all the way, if I’m not going to be there for Brian forever, then… then I’ll never be happy. I’ll always be looking for what I already had. I’ll just fuck up again and again until there’s nothing left to fuck up.”
Jennifer frowned. “Ron? Ron who?”
“No one,” said Justin. “Something I was thinking about. Something I dreamed.”
“If you say so, darling.” Jennifer stood up. She rubbed her hands over her upper arms, forcing the blood into them. “Why don’t we go and get some coffee? That should warm us both up.”
“You go,” said Justin. “You can bring me back a cup. Ask Mrs. Williams, the charge nurse. She’ll tell you where the cafeteria is. I don’t want to leave Brian alone.”
Jennifer looked at Brian in the bed. He wasn’t going to move. And he had no idea Justin was there, any more than Justin had been aware that she’d been there, by his side, for all those days in his coma. “At least put on this sweatshirt.” Jennifer held it up. “Please?”
Justin sighed and let his mother slip the sweatshirt over his head. “Satisfied?”
“Yes,” she said. “Although it’s a mess. It’s all covered with old paint stains. But you look a little warmer.”
“Thanks, Mom. The stains don’t bother me. And I do feel better.”
“Good.” Jennifer kissed him lightly. “I’ll bring back the coffee.” Then she went out.
Justin stared at Brian for a while, listening to the machines pumping in and out. The small movement of his bare chest, up and down.
Music. That’s what they needed.
Justin sorted through the CD’s and picked out Miles Davis’ ‘Kind of Blue.’ That matched how Justin felt. He put it into the old CD player and listened as the music insinuated itself through the dim hospital room.
He sat down next to Brian’s bed and watched him, looking for any sign of movement, even a flicker, although he knew that in the induced coma Brian was virtually paralyzed.
“What are you dreaming?” Justin asked. “Is Ron there with you? Or has he really gone away and left you to me? And where is that boat going, Brian? To what unknown land? Can you tell me?”
But Brian wasn’t ready to open his eyes and give up his secrets.
Not just yet.