"Coup de Foudre" 12
Cynthia wants a word with Justin.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, May 2016
Justin was starting to think about lunch when one of the interns, Sierra, stopped by his office.
“Ms. Roberts wants to see you.”
Justin frowned. If Cynthia wanted to talk to him, she usually just stopped by his office. “About what?”
The girl shrugged. “Don’t know, but she’s not in a very good mood this morning, and neither is Mr. Stephens. Jimmy was bringing him the mail and he bit his head off for no reason.”
That’s weird, thought Justin. That didn’t sound like John. He was a perfectionist and a demanding boss, but he was never unreasonable. And Cynthia was rarely out of sorts. She was always the calming influence at Kinnetik.
“Did she say what she wanted?” Justin asked. He closed out the project he was working on and logged off his computer.
“Nope,” said Sierra. “But Nick got fired yesterday.”
“Nick?” Justin couldn’t think of anyone in the office named Nick.
“He’s Jimmy’s friend,” Sierra explained. “He was working in Accounting for Mr. Schmidt. That guy is a real crab, you know? Nicky was supposed to be doing some spreadsheet shit and Mr. Schmidt walked in and caught him playing Solitaire. And he fired him!”
Yeah, that sounded like Ted. “Was this kid an intern?”
“Yeah,” said Sierra. “But he was on a break, you know? It wasn’t like he was looking at porn or anything. But that Mr. Schmidt is totally unreasonable.”
“If I’d seen him playing games on company time, I’d have fired him, too,” Justin replied.
Sierra pouted. “Whatever. Ms. Roberts said you should see her as soon as possible.”
“I’m going now.”
Justin prodded the girl out of his office and shut the door behind him. He was not fond of the interns and knew that Sierra and her friend Julie were snoopers, always trying to find out things about everybody’s private life. They knew Justin was gay - which was nothing surprising at Kinnetik, where half the staff were gay, including the boss, John Stephens - but it bugged him that the interns seemed to think his private life should be shared with everyone in the fucking world.
Justin smiled at how Brian would have handled these little busybodies. Their asses would have been toast weeks ago. And the kid that Ted fired - Brian would have launched that little jerk into outer space if he’d found him playing Solitaire on a Kinnetik computer. Cynthia was a great boss, but she cut those brats way too much slack.
But as he walked to Cynthia’s office, he began to wonder why she wanted to see him. Yes, he’d been distracted lately and it was definitely affecting his work. Murph had mentioned it to him a couple of times and he’d tried to step things up, but his heart wasn’t in it. He felt burned out. However, taking time off right now wasn’t an option. There were some big campaigns - Brown Athletics, Open Fire Steakhouses - getting geared up for the fall season and everyone was stressed. But he was especially stressed. Maybe it was showing in his work. By the time he got to Cynthia’s door, Justin was really worried.
“Come in,” said Cynthia. She kept glancing from her computer screen to her phone, checking something. “Shut the door and take a seat. I need to talk to you.”
Justin’s heart sank. Cynthia’s face was strained. This couldn’t be good. Even though he didn’t exactly love his job, he didn’t want to lose it.
They sat there for what seemed like hours, but was really only a few minutes. Justin fidgeted uncomfortably while Cynthia tapped at her keyboard, squinting at the screen. Finally, she sighed and looked up. “Thanks for coming, Justin.”
“Well,” he began. “You called me in. But let me start by saying that I know I’ve been having some trouble lately, but I’ll try harder. Things have been… difficult… for various reasons. But I’ll stay focused. I promise that…”
Cynthia held up her hand. “Justin, stop. This has nothing to do with your work.”
Now Justin was really at a loss. “You mean Murph didn’t say something to you?”
“No,” said Cynthia. “Far from it. In fact, he mentioned what a good job you did on those layouts for the new Dandy Lube ads. I don’t want to talk about your job, Justin. It’s about something else. Something… more personal.”
“Oh,” said Justin. That could only mean one thing. “Brian is coming into town again, right?”
“Yes,” said Cynthia. “I wanted to give you a heads up about it.”
Justin pushed back his chair and stood. “Thanks, but I don’t need a heads up. Brian blessing Kinnetik with his presence doesn’t mean anything to me. I’ll be in my office, doing my work, and he’ll be dancing around, sprinkling his magic dust, taking you and John to lunch, and schmoozing his favorite clients. If I even catch a glimpse of him it will be a miracle. I know I won’t go out of my way to see him, and he won’t go out of his way to see me, just like it’s been ever since I started working here seven years ago. But I appreciate your concern, Cynthia. Thanks.”
“Justin!” said Cynthia in her harder-edged boss’s tone. “Sit down. I’m not finished with you yet.”
Justin stood for another moment, realizing that he’d been acting like a prissy little bitch. Cynthia was his friend, his ally, and the last thing he wanted to do was to piss her off. He sat back down. “I’m sorry, Cynthia. It’s the stress. It’s getting to me.”
“I know,” she nodded. “It’s getting to all of us. But it’s not going to end any time soon. Because Brian isn’t making one of his hit-and-run visits. He’s moving to Pittsburgh and coming back to Kinnetik permanently.”
Now Justin was really flummoxed. “No fucking way! Brian would never come back to the Pitts after living in Los Angeles! He’s got a house there. And his consulting business. And his partner…” Justin paused as something suddenly hit him directly in the gut. “Ron. Ron’s dead and he’s running away. Running back to Pittsburgh. Shit!”
“We don’t know why Brian is coming back here,” Cynthia said softly. “But we have to give him the benefit of the doubt. This is his company, after all. He started it and none of us would be here without him.”
“So he can waltz in here whenever he wants to? And do whatever he wants to?” Justin sniffed.
“Yes,” Cynthia confirmed. “He can.”
“Shit,” Justin mumbled. “So why should I give a damn? It has nothing to do with me.”
Cynthia looked at Justin sadly. She’d first known about him so many years before when he was just a kid - 17. Brian’s interest in this teenager had shocked her, frankly. He’d never been into really young guys before and never anyone like Justin, who was smart and talented and, most of all, persistent - he kept coming back, no matter how many times Brian tried to blow him off. But Justin was also stubborn - as stubborn as Brian, truth be told. And that, Cynthia believed, had always been the basis of their problems. When it came down to things, neither of them would listen. And neither would give in.
“Will you listen to what I have to say for five minutes, Justin? I mean, really, truly listen? Because what I have to say isn’t easy, but I feel I have to say it.”
“What?” Justin crossed his arms over his chest protectively. “What can you possibly say to me about Brian Kinney?”
Cynthia leaned forward across the desk, trying to draw Justin in. And he automatically leaned towards her, as if they were sharing a secret.
“Although he would never admit it, Brian is hurting very badly right now. John and I were all set to fly out to L.A. for Ron’s funeral, but Brian called and told me if we didn’t cancel he’d fire both of us. I don’t think he wanted us to see him…” Cynthia searched for the precise word. “Broken. Damaged. Destroyed. I can only imagine. But on the phone he didn’t even sound like Brian. He sounded like… like the shadow of Brian. Emotionless. Going through the motions. I can only imagine what was happening to him. So, I’m actually glad he’s made this decision. Instead of being out there, alone and tearing himself up, he’ll be here, working. He’ll have our support. At least he’ll have mine. And John’s. I expect the rest of the staff to follow through. And that includes you, Justin.”
Justin stared into Cynthia’s eyes, which were brimming with tears. Fuck! The last thing he wanted to think about was Brian, but now he was starting to feel strange again. Strange and queasy. The thought of seeing Brian every day - a broken, damaged Brian, as Cynthia said, was awful. He didn’t want to see that. He didn’t want to think of Brian that way. He’d rather think of Brian as the villain in his crummy life. The arrogant asshole who had run away from him. The nasty ex who always ignored him. He didn’t want to sympathize with that guy. This was fucking up his head!
“I don’t know what to say, Cynthia. We’ll both be in this office every day. Am I supposed to stay out of his way forever? Am I supposed to go up to him and tell him how sorry I am? Because I don’t know if I’m sorry! I don’t know what the fuck I feel! For years I hated Brian, but I hated Ron even more. Brian promised he’d wait for me! He said it was… it was…” Against his will, Justin’s voice choked up.
“It was what?” Cynthia reached out and took Justin’s hand. It felt cold and clammy.
“That it was only time,” Justin continued. “That no matter where we were, we’d still love each other. That he’d never love anyone the way he loved me. He wanted to fucking marry me!”
“Yes, he did. And no matter what you might think now, that was real, Justin. But you left him,” Cynthia reminded him. “You didn’t see him after you went to New York. I did. I was the one who canceled all the reservations he’d made. All the flowers and dinners and romantic moments he’d planned for you both on your honeymoon. The presents he had ordered for each stop - London, Paris, Rome, Ibiza.”
Justin pulled his hand away. “Shut up! I don’t want to hear about that now! It’s too fucking late for that! He wanted me to go! He told me to fucking go! He said he’d wait for me! But he didn’t wait! He fucking did not wait!”
“Justin, look at me,” Cynthia demanded. “Be fair. He waited so many times. And he did things for you he never even would have considered for any other man, ever. But you left him first, if you don’t remember. And although he tried not to show it, he was crushed. I know because I was there in the office with him every day. I saw his face and knew what he was thinking. Knew what he was feeling. What was that guy’s name?”
Justin looked away in embarrassment. “Ethan.”
“Ethan,” Cynthia repeated. “And then you went out to Hollywood. He told me he wanted you to go. That you had a future out there. That ‘Rage’ was your ticket out of this ‘fucking Burgh,’ as he so kindly put it. But it killed him when it began to look like you didn’t want to come back. He told me bluntly that he didn’t think you’d ever return. For what? For Brian? He didn’t believe it.”
“I did come back!” Justin retorted.
“Yes, because the movie was canceled,” said Cynthia. “Brian knew that was the only reason. So be fair - if ‘Rage’ had been made and been a success, would you have come back to Pittsburgh? Would have come back just for Brian?”
Justin swallowed. “I don’t know,” he murmured. But he did know what the real answer was, and so did Cynthia. And so, apparently, had Brian.
“And then New York,” said Cynthia. “He knew you’d never come back. He knew you’d be - how did he put it? - ‘a huge fucking success.’ He didn’t think it, he knew it.”
“Except I wasn’t a huge fucking success!” Justin lashed back. “I was a huge fucking failure! So I came home with my fucking tail tucked between my fucking legs and… and Brian was gone. He was gone!”
“Ron really loved him,” Cynthia stated. “That’s what Brian needed - someone who loved HIM. Someone who wanted him, no matter what. A chance to have what he was always afraid to admit he wanted - someone to love and to trust. And he took that chance. Can you blame him? Can you?”
“No,” Justin whispered. “I can’t blame him. Even though I still fucking hate him. Because I still fucking love him!”
“I know,” said Cynthia. “But you’re going to have to find a way to deal with the fact that he’s going to be here. You won’t be able to avoid seeing him, but I want your promise that you’ll be a professional about it.”
“Of course!” Justin said. “I’m not planning on acting like some betrayed little faggot. This is a business and I have a job to do. And Brian has his job to do, too. Not that he’ll even bother to notice me. If he even fucking remembers who I am.”
There was a knock at the door and John poked his head in. “Cyn, that meeting? It’s time.”
“I’ll be right there. Thanks, John.” Cynthia stood and straightened her dark blue suit. Justin thought she always looked good in blue. “Think about what I’ve said. But I know you’ll be fine. You’re a strong person. And so is Brian. You both just need a little time to work out any issues you may have with each other.”
“I don’t have any issues and I don’t need any time to work out anything,” said Justin, walking with Cynthia out the door. “I’m fine and I’m sure Brian will be fine, too. I’m sorry for his loss and that’s where it stands. And when I see him, I’ll be polite - but that’s all. That’s all we need to be to each other - polite. Like perfect strangers.”
“Good,” said Cynthia.
She watched Justin stroll down the hallway, shoulders squared, back to his office. Perfect strangers, huh? That would be good, she thought.
But she didn’t believe it for one moment.
By Gaedhal
Pittsburgh, May 2016
Justin was starting to think about lunch when one of the interns, Sierra, stopped by his office.
“Ms. Roberts wants to see you.”
Justin frowned. If Cynthia wanted to talk to him, she usually just stopped by his office. “About what?”
The girl shrugged. “Don’t know, but she’s not in a very good mood this morning, and neither is Mr. Stephens. Jimmy was bringing him the mail and he bit his head off for no reason.”
That’s weird, thought Justin. That didn’t sound like John. He was a perfectionist and a demanding boss, but he was never unreasonable. And Cynthia was rarely out of sorts. She was always the calming influence at Kinnetik.
“Did she say what she wanted?” Justin asked. He closed out the project he was working on and logged off his computer.
“Nope,” said Sierra. “But Nick got fired yesterday.”
“Nick?” Justin couldn’t think of anyone in the office named Nick.
“He’s Jimmy’s friend,” Sierra explained. “He was working in Accounting for Mr. Schmidt. That guy is a real crab, you know? Nicky was supposed to be doing some spreadsheet shit and Mr. Schmidt walked in and caught him playing Solitaire. And he fired him!”
Yeah, that sounded like Ted. “Was this kid an intern?”
“Yeah,” said Sierra. “But he was on a break, you know? It wasn’t like he was looking at porn or anything. But that Mr. Schmidt is totally unreasonable.”
“If I’d seen him playing games on company time, I’d have fired him, too,” Justin replied.
Sierra pouted. “Whatever. Ms. Roberts said you should see her as soon as possible.”
“I’m going now.”
Justin prodded the girl out of his office and shut the door behind him. He was not fond of the interns and knew that Sierra and her friend Julie were snoopers, always trying to find out things about everybody’s private life. They knew Justin was gay - which was nothing surprising at Kinnetik, where half the staff were gay, including the boss, John Stephens - but it bugged him that the interns seemed to think his private life should be shared with everyone in the fucking world.
Justin smiled at how Brian would have handled these little busybodies. Their asses would have been toast weeks ago. And the kid that Ted fired - Brian would have launched that little jerk into outer space if he’d found him playing Solitaire on a Kinnetik computer. Cynthia was a great boss, but she cut those brats way too much slack.
But as he walked to Cynthia’s office, he began to wonder why she wanted to see him. Yes, he’d been distracted lately and it was definitely affecting his work. Murph had mentioned it to him a couple of times and he’d tried to step things up, but his heart wasn’t in it. He felt burned out. However, taking time off right now wasn’t an option. There were some big campaigns - Brown Athletics, Open Fire Steakhouses - getting geared up for the fall season and everyone was stressed. But he was especially stressed. Maybe it was showing in his work. By the time he got to Cynthia’s door, Justin was really worried.
“Come in,” said Cynthia. She kept glancing from her computer screen to her phone, checking something. “Shut the door and take a seat. I need to talk to you.”
Justin’s heart sank. Cynthia’s face was strained. This couldn’t be good. Even though he didn’t exactly love his job, he didn’t want to lose it.
They sat there for what seemed like hours, but was really only a few minutes. Justin fidgeted uncomfortably while Cynthia tapped at her keyboard, squinting at the screen. Finally, she sighed and looked up. “Thanks for coming, Justin.”
“Well,” he began. “You called me in. But let me start by saying that I know I’ve been having some trouble lately, but I’ll try harder. Things have been… difficult… for various reasons. But I’ll stay focused. I promise that…”
Cynthia held up her hand. “Justin, stop. This has nothing to do with your work.”
Now Justin was really at a loss. “You mean Murph didn’t say something to you?”
“No,” said Cynthia. “Far from it. In fact, he mentioned what a good job you did on those layouts for the new Dandy Lube ads. I don’t want to talk about your job, Justin. It’s about something else. Something… more personal.”
“Oh,” said Justin. That could only mean one thing. “Brian is coming into town again, right?”
“Yes,” said Cynthia. “I wanted to give you a heads up about it.”
Justin pushed back his chair and stood. “Thanks, but I don’t need a heads up. Brian blessing Kinnetik with his presence doesn’t mean anything to me. I’ll be in my office, doing my work, and he’ll be dancing around, sprinkling his magic dust, taking you and John to lunch, and schmoozing his favorite clients. If I even catch a glimpse of him it will be a miracle. I know I won’t go out of my way to see him, and he won’t go out of his way to see me, just like it’s been ever since I started working here seven years ago. But I appreciate your concern, Cynthia. Thanks.”
“Justin!” said Cynthia in her harder-edged boss’s tone. “Sit down. I’m not finished with you yet.”
Justin stood for another moment, realizing that he’d been acting like a prissy little bitch. Cynthia was his friend, his ally, and the last thing he wanted to do was to piss her off. He sat back down. “I’m sorry, Cynthia. It’s the stress. It’s getting to me.”
“I know,” she nodded. “It’s getting to all of us. But it’s not going to end any time soon. Because Brian isn’t making one of his hit-and-run visits. He’s moving to Pittsburgh and coming back to Kinnetik permanently.”
Now Justin was really flummoxed. “No fucking way! Brian would never come back to the Pitts after living in Los Angeles! He’s got a house there. And his consulting business. And his partner…” Justin paused as something suddenly hit him directly in the gut. “Ron. Ron’s dead and he’s running away. Running back to Pittsburgh. Shit!”
“We don’t know why Brian is coming back here,” Cynthia said softly. “But we have to give him the benefit of the doubt. This is his company, after all. He started it and none of us would be here without him.”
“So he can waltz in here whenever he wants to? And do whatever he wants to?” Justin sniffed.
“Yes,” Cynthia confirmed. “He can.”
“Shit,” Justin mumbled. “So why should I give a damn? It has nothing to do with me.”
Cynthia looked at Justin sadly. She’d first known about him so many years before when he was just a kid - 17. Brian’s interest in this teenager had shocked her, frankly. He’d never been into really young guys before and never anyone like Justin, who was smart and talented and, most of all, persistent - he kept coming back, no matter how many times Brian tried to blow him off. But Justin was also stubborn - as stubborn as Brian, truth be told. And that, Cynthia believed, had always been the basis of their problems. When it came down to things, neither of them would listen. And neither would give in.
“Will you listen to what I have to say for five minutes, Justin? I mean, really, truly listen? Because what I have to say isn’t easy, but I feel I have to say it.”
“What?” Justin crossed his arms over his chest protectively. “What can you possibly say to me about Brian Kinney?”
Cynthia leaned forward across the desk, trying to draw Justin in. And he automatically leaned towards her, as if they were sharing a secret.
“Although he would never admit it, Brian is hurting very badly right now. John and I were all set to fly out to L.A. for Ron’s funeral, but Brian called and told me if we didn’t cancel he’d fire both of us. I don’t think he wanted us to see him…” Cynthia searched for the precise word. “Broken. Damaged. Destroyed. I can only imagine. But on the phone he didn’t even sound like Brian. He sounded like… like the shadow of Brian. Emotionless. Going through the motions. I can only imagine what was happening to him. So, I’m actually glad he’s made this decision. Instead of being out there, alone and tearing himself up, he’ll be here, working. He’ll have our support. At least he’ll have mine. And John’s. I expect the rest of the staff to follow through. And that includes you, Justin.”
Justin stared into Cynthia’s eyes, which were brimming with tears. Fuck! The last thing he wanted to think about was Brian, but now he was starting to feel strange again. Strange and queasy. The thought of seeing Brian every day - a broken, damaged Brian, as Cynthia said, was awful. He didn’t want to see that. He didn’t want to think of Brian that way. He’d rather think of Brian as the villain in his crummy life. The arrogant asshole who had run away from him. The nasty ex who always ignored him. He didn’t want to sympathize with that guy. This was fucking up his head!
“I don’t know what to say, Cynthia. We’ll both be in this office every day. Am I supposed to stay out of his way forever? Am I supposed to go up to him and tell him how sorry I am? Because I don’t know if I’m sorry! I don’t know what the fuck I feel! For years I hated Brian, but I hated Ron even more. Brian promised he’d wait for me! He said it was… it was…” Against his will, Justin’s voice choked up.
“It was what?” Cynthia reached out and took Justin’s hand. It felt cold and clammy.
“That it was only time,” Justin continued. “That no matter where we were, we’d still love each other. That he’d never love anyone the way he loved me. He wanted to fucking marry me!”
“Yes, he did. And no matter what you might think now, that was real, Justin. But you left him,” Cynthia reminded him. “You didn’t see him after you went to New York. I did. I was the one who canceled all the reservations he’d made. All the flowers and dinners and romantic moments he’d planned for you both on your honeymoon. The presents he had ordered for each stop - London, Paris, Rome, Ibiza.”
Justin pulled his hand away. “Shut up! I don’t want to hear about that now! It’s too fucking late for that! He wanted me to go! He told me to fucking go! He said he’d wait for me! But he didn’t wait! He fucking did not wait!”
“Justin, look at me,” Cynthia demanded. “Be fair. He waited so many times. And he did things for you he never even would have considered for any other man, ever. But you left him first, if you don’t remember. And although he tried not to show it, he was crushed. I know because I was there in the office with him every day. I saw his face and knew what he was thinking. Knew what he was feeling. What was that guy’s name?”
Justin looked away in embarrassment. “Ethan.”
“Ethan,” Cynthia repeated. “And then you went out to Hollywood. He told me he wanted you to go. That you had a future out there. That ‘Rage’ was your ticket out of this ‘fucking Burgh,’ as he so kindly put it. But it killed him when it began to look like you didn’t want to come back. He told me bluntly that he didn’t think you’d ever return. For what? For Brian? He didn’t believe it.”
“I did come back!” Justin retorted.
“Yes, because the movie was canceled,” said Cynthia. “Brian knew that was the only reason. So be fair - if ‘Rage’ had been made and been a success, would you have come back to Pittsburgh? Would have come back just for Brian?”
Justin swallowed. “I don’t know,” he murmured. But he did know what the real answer was, and so did Cynthia. And so, apparently, had Brian.
“And then New York,” said Cynthia. “He knew you’d never come back. He knew you’d be - how did he put it? - ‘a huge fucking success.’ He didn’t think it, he knew it.”
“Except I wasn’t a huge fucking success!” Justin lashed back. “I was a huge fucking failure! So I came home with my fucking tail tucked between my fucking legs and… and Brian was gone. He was gone!”
“Ron really loved him,” Cynthia stated. “That’s what Brian needed - someone who loved HIM. Someone who wanted him, no matter what. A chance to have what he was always afraid to admit he wanted - someone to love and to trust. And he took that chance. Can you blame him? Can you?”
“No,” Justin whispered. “I can’t blame him. Even though I still fucking hate him. Because I still fucking love him!”
“I know,” said Cynthia. “But you’re going to have to find a way to deal with the fact that he’s going to be here. You won’t be able to avoid seeing him, but I want your promise that you’ll be a professional about it.”
“Of course!” Justin said. “I’m not planning on acting like some betrayed little faggot. This is a business and I have a job to do. And Brian has his job to do, too. Not that he’ll even bother to notice me. If he even fucking remembers who I am.”
There was a knock at the door and John poked his head in. “Cyn, that meeting? It’s time.”
“I’ll be right there. Thanks, John.” Cynthia stood and straightened her dark blue suit. Justin thought she always looked good in blue. “Think about what I’ve said. But I know you’ll be fine. You’re a strong person. And so is Brian. You both just need a little time to work out any issues you may have with each other.”
“I don’t have any issues and I don’t need any time to work out anything,” said Justin, walking with Cynthia out the door. “I’m fine and I’m sure Brian will be fine, too. I’m sorry for his loss and that’s where it stands. And when I see him, I’ll be polite - but that’s all. That’s all we need to be to each other - polite. Like perfect strangers.”
“Good,” said Cynthia.
She watched Justin stroll down the hallway, shoulders squared, back to his office. Perfect strangers, huh? That would be good, she thought.
But she didn’t believe it for one moment.