"Queer Identities" -- Chapter 111 "High School Confidential"
Justin writes in his journal.
This is Chapter 111 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Justin Taylor, and features Brian Kinney, Dylan Burke, Ethan Gold, Gus Peterson-Marcus, Others.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Justin's Journal Continues. Pittsburgh, April 2004.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
Earlier "QI" chapters online and on the LJ are here:
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaelmcgear/Gaedhalficpage.html
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaedhal/
Most recent "QI" chapters on the LJ are here:
Ch. 108 "Inseparable"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/448629.html
Ch. 109 "Chupacabra"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/449083.html
Ch. 110 "It's Raining Men"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/449985.html
By Gaedhal
"He's a cool blond scheming trick,
You want him so much
You feel sick.
The boy can't help it,
He really can't help it now,
Teenage brandos stalk him in the halls,
They tease him with cat calls,
He's a combination
Tom Cruise Zack O'Tool.
High School,
High School Confidential.
High School,
High School Confidential.
What's that man doin' with him?
It's that guy
And he's screwin' with him.
Can he feel the sex and sweat?
He makes you cream your jeans
So you won't forget.
High School,
High School Confidential.
High School,
High School Confidential..."
***
Thursday, April 1, 2004. Pittsburgh -- The Loft.
April Fools!
No, seriously. It really is April Fools Day. We went to Woody's & met the gang. It was fun. Well, fun & weird.
It felt like it used to be. But not. I can't explain it.
I guess this is what it means to grow up. To move on.
I don't know if I like it.
It was like we didn't really know each other anymore. Michael was cracking lame jokes, as usual, but not even Brian was laughing at them. Ted was his usual worried self, but instead of his loser-dom seeming sort of funny, it just seemed sad. Ben kept checking his watch, like he could hardly wait to leave. And Emmett was preoccupied, too. Ted kept pointing out hot guys to him & he was totally uninterested. There was no sign of Morgan, that English guy Ted told us about, how he was really nice & cute & funny & perfect for Em. But he never showed.
"Why do you give a shit?" Brian asked when we left Woody's & headed for Babylon. "It's their problem, not ours."
But I could tell it bugged him. As much as Brian acts like he loves to shakes things up, he really hates change. He feels comfortable with the familiar -- the same friends, the same bar, the same club, the same gym, the same diner, the same food. Then he can relax. I think that's why he never moved to New York, even though he was always threatening to. That's why leaving with Ron shocked everyone so much -- it was completely out of character.
"You can't recapture the past," he continued. "As much as you might want to."
"But you can make a new present," I said.
"Ah, Grasshopper! Wisdom cometh from the twink," he laughed.
"I'm not a twink anymore," I insisted.
"You'll always be a twink, Sunshine," Brian replied. "Even when you're an old coot like me, you'll still look like a twink & think like a twink."
"I don't think so, old man. When did you stop being a twink?" I asked.
Brian gave me that look. You know the one. The What the Fuck crossed with Gimme a Break. "I was never a twink." He paused. "I was born old."
"No," I said. "You were born young & you've stayed young. Young & hot."
He squinted at me. Maybe he really does need glasses. "You really know how to butter me up. So spill. What do you want out of me?"
"Nothing," I said, squeezing his arm. "I already have everything I want & everything I need."
That's when we got to Babylon. None of the other guys came with us. Not even Emmett & Ted. Like I said -- weird.
"Mr. Kinney!" The guy at the door was Ken, the big bear with the shaved head.
Brian nodded. "Kenneth." And we went in without showing ID or paying the cover.
"Do they know you own this place now?"
Brian shrugged. "I don't know. Does it matter?"
"Not really."
April Fools Day Drink Specials. A new platform for the dancers. Some new videos on the screen. More tattoos on the guys. Some bears have taken over the corner that used to be Tweakers Central. Otherwise it was the same old Babylon -- loud music, bright flashing lights, the smell of sweat, poppers & Calvin Klein CK.
"Ho hum," said Brian, casing the dance floor. "So many guys, so little body hair. What do you think? Do you want to play The Game?"
The Game. We haven't really played it in a long time. Not since Brian's been sick. Whenever we feel the urge for something a little different we've been calling Neil & Jamie. They're always up for playtime -- and so far they haven't seemed to notice that what Brian mainly does is watch.
But picking up some random guy feels... I don't know. It doesn't feel right. I guess I'm more comfortable with someone I know these days. Does that mean I'm getting old & boring?
That's when I saw Dylan & Ethan. Dylan's not a great one for dancing, so they were holding up the far end of the bar on the main floor. To my surprise, Brian made a beeline for them.
"What are you having, gentlemen?"
Dylan almost choked on his beer. "Brian Kinney. And Justin."
"In the flesh." Brian was cool & appraising, looking both Dylan & Ethan up & down like they were on a menu. I couldn't believe he really might be considering bringing those two back to the loft!
Dylan recovered his smirk quickly. "A beer & a shot."
"I'll have another beer," said Ethan, his voice breaking like it does when he's nervous. "I'm not a big drinker."
Brian turned to the bartender. "Four Old Pitts & two shots of Jameson."
"Sweet," said Dylan, grinning.
The bartender put the glasses in front of us and poured. I caught Brian's eye, but he shook me off. I know he's not going to stay on the wagon for the rest of his life, but I'm not sure this is the best time -- or place -- to go jumping off.
Brian tossed back the whiskey & then took a slug of beer. Dylan hesitated while he watched Brian -- and then he did the same, as if to say: "I can match you, old man." But the truth is that he can't. He can never match Brian Kinney, no matter what he does.
"So..." Brian raised his left eyebrow. "What's the word, boys?"
Ethan gaped at him. "N... nothing."
I know both Ethan & Dylan are intimidated by Brian, but Ethan is especially scared of him. He thinks Brian is going to kill him because we fucked. Obviously, he doesn't understand Brian A. Kinney.
"Exciting times in the Pitts, huh?" Brian commented. "So, would you boys like to come back to the loft with us? I guarantee it will be more 'exciting' than your usual pathetic evenings."
Dylan & Ethan exchanged glances. "What's the catch?" Dylan asked suspiciously.
"There is no catch," said Brian. "Is there, Justin?"
But I shook my head. I let Brian play this game out.
"It's April Fools Day," said Ethan. "This is a big joke, right?"
"Nope," said Brian. "No joke. So are you guys coming or going? Because we're wasting time here."
Ten minutes later we were in the Jeep, on our way back to the loft. Dylan & Ethan were in the backseat, whispering to each other.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked Brian quietly.
"If there's a problem, speak now, twat, or forever hold your peace," he replied.
The loft seemed extra dark and still. When we aren't living there full-time it always feels a little eerie -- too neat, too sterile, too creepy, like that winter when Brian was away & I was sleeping here at night, waiting for his calls.
"Make yourselves comfortable," said Brian. And he fixed himself another whiskey from the drinks cart and bolted it down. I hadn't even noticed that he must have restocked the cart the other day when he was out.
That's when I got it. He was bolstering his courage. Because he was doing this for me. His 'problem' hasn't been fixed. It doesn't look like it's going to be fixed any time soon. He knows it & I know it. This is his typically Brian way of taking care of my needs. But I haven't asked for that. Not tonight. Not right now. And certainly not with Dylan Burke & Ethan Gold.
Dylan immediately headed up the steps to the bedroom & stripped off. He's wanted to fuck me in Brian's bed forever. And now with Brian watching, it was like a fantasy come true for him. Ethan, on the other hand, looked a little sick. Yes, he defintely thinks Brian wants to kill him. He's probably right about that, but Brian has never let hate get in the way of a good fuck. Otherwise neither of them would have been in the loft.
Brian came up behind me & pulled my sweater over my head. "It's okay," he murmured. "Getting your needs met is a good thing."
Dylan tore at Ethan's clothes & soon they were naked & rolling on the big bed while Brian & I watched. Brian gently stroked my chest, my nipples, his chin resting on the top of my head.
I know Dylan & Ethan so well -- I've fucked both of them plenty of times. But it felt so weird -- so, so weird! -- to watch them fuck under the blue lights. Dylan didn't waste any time reaching into Brian's stash of condoms & lube in the bowl next to the bed & plunging into Ethan's ass. Ethan is a squealer & he squealed like mad as Dylan, fueled by an audience, fucked him silly.
But Dylan never took his eyes off Brian the whole time.
That's what it was. A pissing match between Brian & Dylan.
When he was finished with Ethan, Dylan got out of bed & strolled over to me & Brian. Dylan knows he looks good naked & tries to show it off whenever he can. He grabbed for my hand. "Come on, Just -- let's have some fun."
Brian gave me tiny nudge. But I'd had enough. So I dug in my heels. "No. I don't really want to. I'm tired." I pulled away from both Brian & Dylan & walked down the steps toward the kitchen.
But Brian was right behind me. "It's okay. You know these guys. It's no big fucking deal."
"No," I said firmly. "I mean it, Brian. I don't want this."
Then Dylan piped up. "If he doesn't want to, that's okay." He moved closer. Even though he'd just fucked Ethan, he was already hard again. "Justin will tell you that I'm a top. I don't bottom for anyone, period. But I'll let you fuck me, Brian."
"Bullshit!" I burst out. "You never!"
But Dylan was serious. "I want you to," he said to Brian. "I want you to fuck me." He pointed to the bed. "Right there. With Justin & Ethan watching. And then I want to fuck you. What do you say, Kinney?"
Brian's face was expressionless. His hand went down & brushed the front of his jeans, like he was testing.
But I wasn't about to make this a fucking test case.
"No," I said, stepping between Brian & Dylan. "I don't want him to. He's my husband & I say who he fucks & who he doesn't fuck. I think that's enough. I said I was tired & I am. You guys need to go now."
Dylan frowned. "What the fuck?"
"You heard him," said Brian. "The Ball & Chain has spoken."
"Shit!" Dylan's erection drooped. He & Ethan got dressed, but Dylan was still grumbling. "How are we going to get home?"
"I'll call you a cab," said Brian. And he reached for the phone.
***
Friday, April 2, 2004. Pittsburgh -- The Loft.
I woke up this morning to an aching head. Brian was nowhere to be seen. Fuck.
After the guys left, Brian & I didn't say anything to each other. I wasn't exactly pissed off at him, but I was disappointed that he still needs to play these stupid games. It's like high school. I don't want to play high school games anymore.
I just want Brian to be better. That's what I really want.
I know he's frustrated & angry & feeling helpless, but so am I.
So am I.
Brian went to bed, but I stayed up, writing in this journal & listening to the silence.
This morning everything felt crummy. Around 10:00 Michael called. He wanted to talk to me about some stuff for 'Rage' and also about Brian's birthday party. I told him that whatever he decided about the party was fine with us. Yeah, Brian just loves birthday parties -- not!
I called my mother & thought about confiding in her, but I couldn't. I wish Daphne was in town. Or even Marshall. I also thought about calling Emmett, but I don't really want to tell Emmett anything about our sex life. Then I tried to call Diane, but couldn't get through. She's probably rehearsing for her show or in a meeting or something.
The one I really should be talking to is Brian.
I made a cup of tea and turned on the TV. Soaps. Talk shows. Judges. 24 hour news. A short while later I heard the elevator & the loft door opened.
"Justin!"
Gus flew across the room like a rocket & onto my lap. "Jesus! You're heavy!"
"Justin! Justin!" he yelled, bouncing on top of me & then onto the floor next to the sofa.
"Watch it there, Sonny Boy." Brian came in with Gus's suitcase & a bag of groceries. "Don't kill Justin before the weekend even begins."
"Are you spending the weekend with us?" I asked Gus.
"Yes!" He hung around my neck. "Whole weekend with Daddy & Justin!"
"That's great!" I said. "Hey, you know you're saying my name much better." He used to call me 'Dustin' because he had trouble with his j's.
"I told him to call you 'Papa,'" said Brian. "Justin is your daddy, too, Gus. Remember what we talked about in the Jeep?"
"No!" Gus buried his head in the cushion of the sofa. "Justin is Justin! Daddy is Daddy!"
"It's okay, Gus. You can call me whatever you want to."
I helped Brian put away the groceries while Gus unpacked his little suitcase & took out some of his favorite trucks & DVD's.
"I'm surprised Lindz & Mel let you take him for the whole weekend."
"Lindsay has a cold & so does the baby. Mel looked exhausted. They actually were glad to see me come & take Gus. Now we're going to have some lunch & then we're going over to the comic book store & tonight we're going to watch -- what do you want to watch, Gus?"
"'Lion King'!" he crowed. "Hakuna matata! Hakuna matata!"
Brian winced. "I have a feeling that 'Hakuna Matata' is going to be the song of the weekend."
"Cheer up. It could be worse. Gus could be obsessed with 'The Little Mermaid' or 'Beauty & the Beast.'"
"Shut the fuck up, Sunshine," said Brian. "Don't turn my fucking kid gay, okay?"
It turned out to be a good day. Michael gave Gus some comic books -- which he loved -- & while Brian & Gus sat on the old couch & Brian read to him, Michael & I talked 'Rage.' We kicked around some ideas for the next issue -- yes it's really going to happen! Later we all went to the diner for dinner & Deb made a big fuss over Gus, of course. Then back home to watch 'The Lion King.' Gus was out like a light about halfway through it. Brian tucked him into bed on the air mattress & we listened to the kid snore like a freight train.
"He sounds just like you. That deviated septum must be hereditary."
Brian sniffed. "He's probably coming down with that cold Lindsay has. And I don't snore!"
"Yeah, not much!"
"Listen, Justin... About last night..."
I put my hand over his mouth. "Stop. It's okay, Brian. I'm not mad. I know what you were trying to do. But you don't need to help me get my needs met. I'm fine! Really. Anyway, the last guys I want to fuck are Dylan Burke & Ethan Gold. Been there, done that. It wasn't that great that I want to revisit it."
"It's just so fucking frustrating," he said.
"I know. But I don't mind waiting. I'd rather be in bed with you, jerking off, than fucking the hottest stud in Babylon -- I mean after you of course. Because some random guy doesn't mean anything to me. No other guy means anything to me. Only you. I wish you'd believe that."
"I do believe it," he whispered. "What can I say? Even if I could get it up, I didn't really want to fuck Dylan Burke's skanky ass."
"There's no way I'd let him fuck you," I stated. "I don't mind us fucking other guys as part of The Game, but I draw the line at anyone else fucking you. That's for me only. Get it?"
"Got it, twat." We listened to Gus's snores for a while. Then Brian said, "You know I love you, don't you?"
"Yes," I said, "I know."
And I love Brian.
I just wished he'd let himself believe it.
***
"He drives a loaded jeep
With seats in the back,
If you don't do him soon
You'll have a heart attack.
When he flashes you a look
You wanna burn his books,
Give up high school.
Well well well well --
High School,
High School Confidential."
(Special lyrics by Carole Pope)
This is Chapter 111 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Justin Taylor, and features Brian Kinney, Dylan Burke, Ethan Gold, Gus Peterson-Marcus, Others.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Justin's Journal Continues. Pittsburgh, April 2004.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
Earlier "QI" chapters online and on the LJ are here:
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaelmcgear/Gaedhalficpage.html
http://www.fortruthis.net/gaedhal/
Most recent "QI" chapters on the LJ are here:
Ch. 108 "Inseparable"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/448629.html
Ch. 109 "Chupacabra"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/449083.html
Ch. 110 "It's Raining Men"
http://gaedhal.livejournal.com/449985.html
By Gaedhal
"He's a cool blond scheming trick,
You want him so much
You feel sick.
The boy can't help it,
He really can't help it now,
Teenage brandos stalk him in the halls,
They tease him with cat calls,
He's a combination
Tom Cruise Zack O'Tool.
High School,
High School Confidential.
High School,
High School Confidential.
What's that man doin' with him?
It's that guy
And he's screwin' with him.
Can he feel the sex and sweat?
He makes you cream your jeans
So you won't forget.
High School,
High School Confidential.
High School,
High School Confidential..."
***
Thursday, April 1, 2004. Pittsburgh -- The Loft.
April Fools!
No, seriously. It really is April Fools Day. We went to Woody's & met the gang. It was fun. Well, fun & weird.
It felt like it used to be. But not. I can't explain it.
I guess this is what it means to grow up. To move on.
I don't know if I like it.
It was like we didn't really know each other anymore. Michael was cracking lame jokes, as usual, but not even Brian was laughing at them. Ted was his usual worried self, but instead of his loser-dom seeming sort of funny, it just seemed sad. Ben kept checking his watch, like he could hardly wait to leave. And Emmett was preoccupied, too. Ted kept pointing out hot guys to him & he was totally uninterested. There was no sign of Morgan, that English guy Ted told us about, how he was really nice & cute & funny & perfect for Em. But he never showed.
"Why do you give a shit?" Brian asked when we left Woody's & headed for Babylon. "It's their problem, not ours."
But I could tell it bugged him. As much as Brian acts like he loves to shakes things up, he really hates change. He feels comfortable with the familiar -- the same friends, the same bar, the same club, the same gym, the same diner, the same food. Then he can relax. I think that's why he never moved to New York, even though he was always threatening to. That's why leaving with Ron shocked everyone so much -- it was completely out of character.
"You can't recapture the past," he continued. "As much as you might want to."
"But you can make a new present," I said.
"Ah, Grasshopper! Wisdom cometh from the twink," he laughed.
"I'm not a twink anymore," I insisted.
"You'll always be a twink, Sunshine," Brian replied. "Even when you're an old coot like me, you'll still look like a twink & think like a twink."
"I don't think so, old man. When did you stop being a twink?" I asked.
Brian gave me that look. You know the one. The What the Fuck crossed with Gimme a Break. "I was never a twink." He paused. "I was born old."
"No," I said. "You were born young & you've stayed young. Young & hot."
He squinted at me. Maybe he really does need glasses. "You really know how to butter me up. So spill. What do you want out of me?"
"Nothing," I said, squeezing his arm. "I already have everything I want & everything I need."
That's when we got to Babylon. None of the other guys came with us. Not even Emmett & Ted. Like I said -- weird.
"Mr. Kinney!" The guy at the door was Ken, the big bear with the shaved head.
Brian nodded. "Kenneth." And we went in without showing ID or paying the cover.
"Do they know you own this place now?"
Brian shrugged. "I don't know. Does it matter?"
"Not really."
April Fools Day Drink Specials. A new platform for the dancers. Some new videos on the screen. More tattoos on the guys. Some bears have taken over the corner that used to be Tweakers Central. Otherwise it was the same old Babylon -- loud music, bright flashing lights, the smell of sweat, poppers & Calvin Klein CK.
"Ho hum," said Brian, casing the dance floor. "So many guys, so little body hair. What do you think? Do you want to play The Game?"
The Game. We haven't really played it in a long time. Not since Brian's been sick. Whenever we feel the urge for something a little different we've been calling Neil & Jamie. They're always up for playtime -- and so far they haven't seemed to notice that what Brian mainly does is watch.
But picking up some random guy feels... I don't know. It doesn't feel right. I guess I'm more comfortable with someone I know these days. Does that mean I'm getting old & boring?
That's when I saw Dylan & Ethan. Dylan's not a great one for dancing, so they were holding up the far end of the bar on the main floor. To my surprise, Brian made a beeline for them.
"What are you having, gentlemen?"
Dylan almost choked on his beer. "Brian Kinney. And Justin."
"In the flesh." Brian was cool & appraising, looking both Dylan & Ethan up & down like they were on a menu. I couldn't believe he really might be considering bringing those two back to the loft!
Dylan recovered his smirk quickly. "A beer & a shot."
"I'll have another beer," said Ethan, his voice breaking like it does when he's nervous. "I'm not a big drinker."
Brian turned to the bartender. "Four Old Pitts & two shots of Jameson."
"Sweet," said Dylan, grinning.
The bartender put the glasses in front of us and poured. I caught Brian's eye, but he shook me off. I know he's not going to stay on the wagon for the rest of his life, but I'm not sure this is the best time -- or place -- to go jumping off.
Brian tossed back the whiskey & then took a slug of beer. Dylan hesitated while he watched Brian -- and then he did the same, as if to say: "I can match you, old man." But the truth is that he can't. He can never match Brian Kinney, no matter what he does.
"So..." Brian raised his left eyebrow. "What's the word, boys?"
Ethan gaped at him. "N... nothing."
I know both Ethan & Dylan are intimidated by Brian, but Ethan is especially scared of him. He thinks Brian is going to kill him because we fucked. Obviously, he doesn't understand Brian A. Kinney.
"Exciting times in the Pitts, huh?" Brian commented. "So, would you boys like to come back to the loft with us? I guarantee it will be more 'exciting' than your usual pathetic evenings."
Dylan & Ethan exchanged glances. "What's the catch?" Dylan asked suspiciously.
"There is no catch," said Brian. "Is there, Justin?"
But I shook my head. I let Brian play this game out.
"It's April Fools Day," said Ethan. "This is a big joke, right?"
"Nope," said Brian. "No joke. So are you guys coming or going? Because we're wasting time here."
Ten minutes later we were in the Jeep, on our way back to the loft. Dylan & Ethan were in the backseat, whispering to each other.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked Brian quietly.
"If there's a problem, speak now, twat, or forever hold your peace," he replied.
The loft seemed extra dark and still. When we aren't living there full-time it always feels a little eerie -- too neat, too sterile, too creepy, like that winter when Brian was away & I was sleeping here at night, waiting for his calls.
"Make yourselves comfortable," said Brian. And he fixed himself another whiskey from the drinks cart and bolted it down. I hadn't even noticed that he must have restocked the cart the other day when he was out.
That's when I got it. He was bolstering his courage. Because he was doing this for me. His 'problem' hasn't been fixed. It doesn't look like it's going to be fixed any time soon. He knows it & I know it. This is his typically Brian way of taking care of my needs. But I haven't asked for that. Not tonight. Not right now. And certainly not with Dylan Burke & Ethan Gold.
Dylan immediately headed up the steps to the bedroom & stripped off. He's wanted to fuck me in Brian's bed forever. And now with Brian watching, it was like a fantasy come true for him. Ethan, on the other hand, looked a little sick. Yes, he defintely thinks Brian wants to kill him. He's probably right about that, but Brian has never let hate get in the way of a good fuck. Otherwise neither of them would have been in the loft.
Brian came up behind me & pulled my sweater over my head. "It's okay," he murmured. "Getting your needs met is a good thing."
Dylan tore at Ethan's clothes & soon they were naked & rolling on the big bed while Brian & I watched. Brian gently stroked my chest, my nipples, his chin resting on the top of my head.
I know Dylan & Ethan so well -- I've fucked both of them plenty of times. But it felt so weird -- so, so weird! -- to watch them fuck under the blue lights. Dylan didn't waste any time reaching into Brian's stash of condoms & lube in the bowl next to the bed & plunging into Ethan's ass. Ethan is a squealer & he squealed like mad as Dylan, fueled by an audience, fucked him silly.
But Dylan never took his eyes off Brian the whole time.
That's what it was. A pissing match between Brian & Dylan.
When he was finished with Ethan, Dylan got out of bed & strolled over to me & Brian. Dylan knows he looks good naked & tries to show it off whenever he can. He grabbed for my hand. "Come on, Just -- let's have some fun."
Brian gave me tiny nudge. But I'd had enough. So I dug in my heels. "No. I don't really want to. I'm tired." I pulled away from both Brian & Dylan & walked down the steps toward the kitchen.
But Brian was right behind me. "It's okay. You know these guys. It's no big fucking deal."
"No," I said firmly. "I mean it, Brian. I don't want this."
Then Dylan piped up. "If he doesn't want to, that's okay." He moved closer. Even though he'd just fucked Ethan, he was already hard again. "Justin will tell you that I'm a top. I don't bottom for anyone, period. But I'll let you fuck me, Brian."
"Bullshit!" I burst out. "You never!"
But Dylan was serious. "I want you to," he said to Brian. "I want you to fuck me." He pointed to the bed. "Right there. With Justin & Ethan watching. And then I want to fuck you. What do you say, Kinney?"
Brian's face was expressionless. His hand went down & brushed the front of his jeans, like he was testing.
But I wasn't about to make this a fucking test case.
"No," I said, stepping between Brian & Dylan. "I don't want him to. He's my husband & I say who he fucks & who he doesn't fuck. I think that's enough. I said I was tired & I am. You guys need to go now."
Dylan frowned. "What the fuck?"
"You heard him," said Brian. "The Ball & Chain has spoken."
"Shit!" Dylan's erection drooped. He & Ethan got dressed, but Dylan was still grumbling. "How are we going to get home?"
"I'll call you a cab," said Brian. And he reached for the phone.
***
Friday, April 2, 2004. Pittsburgh -- The Loft.
I woke up this morning to an aching head. Brian was nowhere to be seen. Fuck.
After the guys left, Brian & I didn't say anything to each other. I wasn't exactly pissed off at him, but I was disappointed that he still needs to play these stupid games. It's like high school. I don't want to play high school games anymore.
I just want Brian to be better. That's what I really want.
I know he's frustrated & angry & feeling helpless, but so am I.
So am I.
Brian went to bed, but I stayed up, writing in this journal & listening to the silence.
This morning everything felt crummy. Around 10:00 Michael called. He wanted to talk to me about some stuff for 'Rage' and also about Brian's birthday party. I told him that whatever he decided about the party was fine with us. Yeah, Brian just loves birthday parties -- not!
I called my mother & thought about confiding in her, but I couldn't. I wish Daphne was in town. Or even Marshall. I also thought about calling Emmett, but I don't really want to tell Emmett anything about our sex life. Then I tried to call Diane, but couldn't get through. She's probably rehearsing for her show or in a meeting or something.
The one I really should be talking to is Brian.
I made a cup of tea and turned on the TV. Soaps. Talk shows. Judges. 24 hour news. A short while later I heard the elevator & the loft door opened.
"Justin!"
Gus flew across the room like a rocket & onto my lap. "Jesus! You're heavy!"
"Justin! Justin!" he yelled, bouncing on top of me & then onto the floor next to the sofa.
"Watch it there, Sonny Boy." Brian came in with Gus's suitcase & a bag of groceries. "Don't kill Justin before the weekend even begins."
"Are you spending the weekend with us?" I asked Gus.
"Yes!" He hung around my neck. "Whole weekend with Daddy & Justin!"
"That's great!" I said. "Hey, you know you're saying my name much better." He used to call me 'Dustin' because he had trouble with his j's.
"I told him to call you 'Papa,'" said Brian. "Justin is your daddy, too, Gus. Remember what we talked about in the Jeep?"
"No!" Gus buried his head in the cushion of the sofa. "Justin is Justin! Daddy is Daddy!"
"It's okay, Gus. You can call me whatever you want to."
I helped Brian put away the groceries while Gus unpacked his little suitcase & took out some of his favorite trucks & DVD's.
"I'm surprised Lindz & Mel let you take him for the whole weekend."
"Lindsay has a cold & so does the baby. Mel looked exhausted. They actually were glad to see me come & take Gus. Now we're going to have some lunch & then we're going over to the comic book store & tonight we're going to watch -- what do you want to watch, Gus?"
"'Lion King'!" he crowed. "Hakuna matata! Hakuna matata!"
Brian winced. "I have a feeling that 'Hakuna Matata' is going to be the song of the weekend."
"Cheer up. It could be worse. Gus could be obsessed with 'The Little Mermaid' or 'Beauty & the Beast.'"
"Shut the fuck up, Sunshine," said Brian. "Don't turn my fucking kid gay, okay?"
It turned out to be a good day. Michael gave Gus some comic books -- which he loved -- & while Brian & Gus sat on the old couch & Brian read to him, Michael & I talked 'Rage.' We kicked around some ideas for the next issue -- yes it's really going to happen! Later we all went to the diner for dinner & Deb made a big fuss over Gus, of course. Then back home to watch 'The Lion King.' Gus was out like a light about halfway through it. Brian tucked him into bed on the air mattress & we listened to the kid snore like a freight train.
"He sounds just like you. That deviated septum must be hereditary."
Brian sniffed. "He's probably coming down with that cold Lindsay has. And I don't snore!"
"Yeah, not much!"
"Listen, Justin... About last night..."
I put my hand over his mouth. "Stop. It's okay, Brian. I'm not mad. I know what you were trying to do. But you don't need to help me get my needs met. I'm fine! Really. Anyway, the last guys I want to fuck are Dylan Burke & Ethan Gold. Been there, done that. It wasn't that great that I want to revisit it."
"It's just so fucking frustrating," he said.
"I know. But I don't mind waiting. I'd rather be in bed with you, jerking off, than fucking the hottest stud in Babylon -- I mean after you of course. Because some random guy doesn't mean anything to me. No other guy means anything to me. Only you. I wish you'd believe that."
"I do believe it," he whispered. "What can I say? Even if I could get it up, I didn't really want to fuck Dylan Burke's skanky ass."
"There's no way I'd let him fuck you," I stated. "I don't mind us fucking other guys as part of The Game, but I draw the line at anyone else fucking you. That's for me only. Get it?"
"Got it, twat." We listened to Gus's snores for a while. Then Brian said, "You know I love you, don't you?"
"Yes," I said, "I know."
And I love Brian.
I just wished he'd let himself believe it.
***
"He drives a loaded jeep
With seats in the back,
If you don't do him soon
You'll have a heart attack.
When he flashes you a look
You wanna burn his books,
Give up high school.
Well well well well --
High School,
High School Confidential."
(Special lyrics by Carole Pope)