"Queer Identities" -- Chapter 44 "I Do... I Think"
Michael is in a dilemma... what else is new?
This is Chapter 44 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Michael, and features Justin Taylor, Ted Schmidt.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Michael has to decide. Pittsburgh, August 2003.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
By Gaedhal
Fuck!
I knew it was a big mistake to go over there!
Asshole! That goddamn asshole!
Goddamn Brian...
Goddamn.
Oh, shit. Not this. Just what I don't need!
"Hey, Michael!"
It's him. Brian's prissy little princess. The last person I want to see right now.
"Hey." Maybe he'll go away. Maybe the Earth will open up and swallow him. Or swallow me.
He's smirking. He's always smirking!
"Did you come over to try to convince Brian to go to the wedding?" Justin asks.
"Yeah." I can't meet his eyes. We're standing awkwardly at the entryway of the building, him coming in and me trying to get out. Trying to get away -- fast.
"What did Brian say?"
"He's not coming."
Justin shrugs. "You never know. Brian can change his mind. He might change it between now and tomorrow."
"I don't think so."
"By the way, I just saw Dr. Dave and his son."
That startles me. "You saw David and Hank? Where?"
"At Dominic's. I went there with my mom and Molly. They were having dinner at the next table."
"Oh." Right. David and Hank went to dinner. It figures that Sunshine and Mrs. Sunshine and Little Sister Sunshine would all be there, too. How sweet! Gag!
"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Michael."
"Sure. See you tomorrow."
He leans closer. "I'll try to get Brian to come. He's just being stubborn. You know how Brian is about his so-called anti-marriage philosophy. I don't think he really believes it anymore, but he has to keep up the pretense, you know? The great rebel against convention. The thing is, the rebels against convention are the ones who are getting married when everyone -- the government, the homophobes, the religious looneys -- is telling them they can't! That's the irony of the situation."
I nod. "Yeah. The irony."
"'Night, Michael," he says, closing the door. "And congratulations."
The door clicks shut and I watch him go bouncing up the stairs. He always takes the stairs instead of the elevator. The little shit.
Now what? Time to go home.
Yeah, tomorrow is the big day. Big, big day.
I get in my car and pull away. And I find myself heading for Ben's place.
This is bad. Wrong. But I can't stop myself.
I park in front of the building. And I sit there. I want to go inside so bad. I want to see Ben. Talk to Ben...
But that kid is there. That fucking Hunter. He's a punk kid and he thinks I'm a total pussy!
Gee, maybe that's because I AM a total pussy.
I want Ben. I love Ben.
But I want David, too. I love David!
I think I love David. I should love David.
And I love Brian.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I decide what I really want? Why is it so hard? I'm so fucked up I can't stand it!
I start up the car and drive towards Vic and Tim's place. I could talk to Tim. He's a good listener. He's known me a long time and he also knows Brian. He always has something smart to say. Something that makes sense. I should have talked to him early. Weeks ago. But I couldn't admit that this was all coming! Denial much, Novotny?
Yes, I need to talk to Tim.
But...
But Vic will be there, listening. Putting in his two cents. And the minute I leave he'll call Ma and tell her I'm getting cold feet. And then she'll call and ream me out. And probably tell everyone at the ceremony tomorrow that I almost chickened out.
That's all I need. That's all David needs to hear. That I almost changed my mind...
Or I could go and see Em...
No, I couldn't. He's worse than Vic and Ma put together!
Or...
Zip. Zero.
That's when I realize I'm all alone in this. I've run out of friends -- literally!
Except... maybe.
I turn around and head the Miata to one more place. It's been such a long time since I've been here. A really long time. Maybe he doesn't even live here anymore. I'm trying to remember if Emmett said anything about him moving. Or losing the condo. I don't think he did.
I'm nervous. But I ring the bell.
"Michael."
The look on Ted's face says it all. He's shocked. Well, I'm shocked to be there, too. And I'm ashamed to realize that I didn't even invite him to the wedding.
"Hi, Teddy. Can I come in?"
"Of course." He steps aside and I walk in.
The apartment looks the same. Exactly the same. I don't know why I'm surprised. Why wouldn't it look the same? Some opera is playing in the background, and there's a book open on the sofa and a bottle of water on the coffee table.
Ted looks... sad. Thin. Pale.
Now I feel guilty. Ted was one of my best friends and I've barely spoken to him since...
Jesus, I can't remember how long it's been.
Now I feel even more guilty. His problems make mine look stupid! He's been in rehab, Em says he almost died! And here he is, alone.
What's my stupid, fucking problem? Man trouble! Yeah, I am such a fucking pussy!
"Can I get you some... water?" Ted asks. "Or a Diet Pepsi?"
"Sure. I'd love one." I sit on the sofa. I never thought I'd feel so... so uncomfortable with Ted. He was one of my best friends. We talked about everything. Shared everything about our lives. And now it's like we're strangers.
He gets the bottle of Diet Pepsi and pours some into a glass with ice.
"Thanks," I say. "I was really thirsty.
Ted sits down next to me. Could this be any more awkward? I don't think so.
"So," says Ted. "Tomorrow is the big day."
That's what everyone keeps saying! But I nod. "Yeah. The big day."
"Emmett told me he and Vic are doing the reception."
I keep nodding like a brainless puppet."It's going to be great. They're doing everything. It's in David's backyard. I mean, our backyard. Vic made the cake, too. Buttercream. That's David's favorite."
"Sounds very nice."
"Should be." Now I'm squirming.
Fuck! This was a mistake. I can't do anything right tonight! How can I get out of here?
"Michael," Ted says gently. "Why are you here?"
He's got me there. "I... I don't know."
Ted just looks at me. "You can tell me, Michael. Anything. Don't be afraid. Who am I going to tell?"
He's right. He's not going to tell Emmett. And he's not invited to the wedding. So...
"I was just at Brian's," I whisper. "I... I was hoping that he'd... that he would..." I can't say it out loud. It's too pathetic. But Ted knows. He knows me so well.
"And... did he?"
"What do you... think?" The words are catching in my throat.
"He called your bluff, didn't he?" says Ted. "He pretended that he was going to fuck you, but he really forced you to run away, didn't he?"
I swallow. "Yeah. That's exactly what he did." He did! He scared me away. I should have realized it at the time, but I was so angry. So humiliated. "He threw me off the fucking cliff!"
"For your own good," Ted adds.
"But it's not for my own good!" I insist. "Now I don't know what the fuck to do!"
"You mean about marrying David?" Ted's voice is so steady, so strong. I've missed him so much!
"Yes." I feel like a total dick.
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know." I pause. "I have to marry David." I should have said 'I want to marry David.' But I didn't. I said 'I have to.' That's what it feels like. I have to. Like there's a fucking gun to my head. Except I'm holding the gun to my own head. And I'm about to pull the goddamn trigger!
"This isn't about Brian at all, is it?"
Yes, Ted knows me. "Not really."
"You're in love with Ben," Ted states. "You never stopped loving Ben."
"I never stopped loving Ben." There. I said it. "But..."
"But what? Michael, if you're in love with Ben, then don't marry David," Ted says.
"It's not that simple!"
"Sure it is." Ted sips some water from his bottle and I notice that his hand is shaking. "It's like they told us in rehab -- it's a simple choice. You take drugs or you don't take drugs. You get better or you go back to using. You live or you die. You have to decide what you want and how you're going to live your life. And then you do it. One step at a time, one day at a time."
"But David won't understand..."
"What does it matter what he understands, Michael? This is your life, not his. He's not your father or your master. He's your lover and it will be easier to get out of it before he becomes your husband -- or whatever he'll be after a commitment ceremony."
"My partner. But he's already that."
"Is he?" Ted asks. "Is he really, when you're always thinking about Ben? And going over to try to get Brian Kinney to fuck you the night before the wedding?"
"That's not fair!" I want to shout at Ted. Tell him he's totally wrong! Make him see why I have to do what I'm going to do tomorrow -- marry David. "That thing with Brian -- I know it was immature."
"But you wanted him to do it," says Ted. "You've always wanted it. And there's a place in your heart that always will want it. But you know it won't happen. And Brian knows it won't happen. So he was willing to kick you in the balls to make sure you didn't go there." Ted shakes his head. "Just like your 30th birthday! The Great God Kinney works in mysterious ways. I'd almost have to admire him -- if I didn't detest him so thoroughly."
"I know," I say. "Brian's been shitty to you in the past. And he's been shitty to me, too. But he's also saved my life more than once. Ever since we were kids. No matter what he does, I can't forget that."
Ted nods. "I hate to admit that I know what you mean, but I do. When I came out of my coma the first thing I saw, the first thing I heard, was Brian fucking some male nurse in the next bed. I thought I'd died and gone to Hell, where my punishment was to spend eternity watching Brian fuck. Kind of the way I'd spent my actual life up to then. And now I get to see Brian Kinney fuck on my television. I just watched 'The Olympian' on HBO. He's good in the film, I have to give him that."
"Yeah," I say. "He's good. He's Brian."
Ted looks down at his water bottle. His hands aren't shaking as much, but the tremor is there. And he knows I can see it.
"Since you're sharing with me, I'll share with you," he says. "If you promise not to tell anyone. And I mean no one. Because I'm not even supposed to know."
"Okay." I sit very still, wondering what Ted wants to tell me. It makes me afraid. Like maybe he's positive. That happens to a lot of guys on crystal. They stop being safe because they're too high.
"When I tried to get into rehab, they turned me down," he says. "My insurance from the website had been canceled and I didn't have enough money in savings. I couldn't afford rehab and I was afraid I'd lose my condo."
"I didn't know." Now I really feel bad. Ted was in trouble, but he didn't feel like he could come to me for help.
"No one did. Except Tim." Ted smiles slightly. "I went to him because I didn't know who else I could talk to. And he's still almost like a priest, so I knew he wouldn't tell anyone, not even Vic. But..." Ted pauses. "Tim did get the word to one person. Someone who was also in rehab, although I didn't know that at the time."
"Brian?" I say in surprise.
"Brian," Ted says. "Brian got his own doctor to get me into rehab here in Pittsburgh. And he paid for it all. And he paid off the mortgage on my condo, and the taxes, too. I didn't know what he'd done until right before I got out. Tim came to see me and told me. At first I was so mad I couldn't stand it, but Tim said, 'Ted, sometimes you just have to know when to accept help.' Which is what we learned in rehab. Know when to accept help, no matter where it comes from. That's when I understood Brian would never acknowledge that he'd done it. And he didn't want me to acknowledge it either. Because that's his way. That's why I hate him -- and why I owe him everything."
We sit there for a long time. Well, it seems like a long time. And then my cell buzzes. It sounds so loud I almost jump off the sofa. David calling.
"Michael? Where are you?"
I try to make my voice sound normal. "I'm over at Ted's. Just shooting the breeze."
"Ted?" I can hear the disapproval in David's voice. "Are you coming home soon? Big day tomorrow."
"I was just leaving." I sign off and stand. "I have to go."
"I know," says Ted. "Good luck, Michael. Make the right choice. Listen to your heart. It's a cliche, but it's true."
"Thanks." I hug Ted and it feels good. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if Ted and I had ever gotten together. I know he wanted that at one time, but I never felt the same way about him. He was always better as a great friend than a potential lover. And I hope he will be a friend in the future. "I'll see you. When we get back from France."
"Sure," Ted nods. "When you get back. From France."
I leave Ted's and drive home.
It's only about twenty minutes from Ted's condo to David's house, but it's one of the longest drives I've ever taken in my life.
Almost as long as the walk I'm going to take tomorrow. To the altar.
Where I'm going to say "I do."
I think.
***
This is Chapter 44 in the "Queer Identities" series.
The narrator is Michael, and features Justin Taylor, Ted Schmidt.
Rated R and contains no warnings or spoilers.
Summary: Michael has to decide. Pittsburgh, August 2003.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. This is for fun, not profit. Enjoy.
By Gaedhal
Fuck!
I knew it was a big mistake to go over there!
Asshole! That goddamn asshole!
Goddamn Brian...
Goddamn.
Oh, shit. Not this. Just what I don't need!
"Hey, Michael!"
It's him. Brian's prissy little princess. The last person I want to see right now.
"Hey." Maybe he'll go away. Maybe the Earth will open up and swallow him. Or swallow me.
He's smirking. He's always smirking!
"Did you come over to try to convince Brian to go to the wedding?" Justin asks.
"Yeah." I can't meet his eyes. We're standing awkwardly at the entryway of the building, him coming in and me trying to get out. Trying to get away -- fast.
"What did Brian say?"
"He's not coming."
Justin shrugs. "You never know. Brian can change his mind. He might change it between now and tomorrow."
"I don't think so."
"By the way, I just saw Dr. Dave and his son."
That startles me. "You saw David and Hank? Where?"
"At Dominic's. I went there with my mom and Molly. They were having dinner at the next table."
"Oh." Right. David and Hank went to dinner. It figures that Sunshine and Mrs. Sunshine and Little Sister Sunshine would all be there, too. How sweet! Gag!
"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Michael."
"Sure. See you tomorrow."
He leans closer. "I'll try to get Brian to come. He's just being stubborn. You know how Brian is about his so-called anti-marriage philosophy. I don't think he really believes it anymore, but he has to keep up the pretense, you know? The great rebel against convention. The thing is, the rebels against convention are the ones who are getting married when everyone -- the government, the homophobes, the religious looneys -- is telling them they can't! That's the irony of the situation."
I nod. "Yeah. The irony."
"'Night, Michael," he says, closing the door. "And congratulations."
The door clicks shut and I watch him go bouncing up the stairs. He always takes the stairs instead of the elevator. The little shit.
Now what? Time to go home.
Yeah, tomorrow is the big day. Big, big day.
I get in my car and pull away. And I find myself heading for Ben's place.
This is bad. Wrong. But I can't stop myself.
I park in front of the building. And I sit there. I want to go inside so bad. I want to see Ben. Talk to Ben...
But that kid is there. That fucking Hunter. He's a punk kid and he thinks I'm a total pussy!
Gee, maybe that's because I AM a total pussy.
I want Ben. I love Ben.
But I want David, too. I love David!
I think I love David. I should love David.
And I love Brian.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I decide what I really want? Why is it so hard? I'm so fucked up I can't stand it!
I start up the car and drive towards Vic and Tim's place. I could talk to Tim. He's a good listener. He's known me a long time and he also knows Brian. He always has something smart to say. Something that makes sense. I should have talked to him early. Weeks ago. But I couldn't admit that this was all coming! Denial much, Novotny?
Yes, I need to talk to Tim.
But...
But Vic will be there, listening. Putting in his two cents. And the minute I leave he'll call Ma and tell her I'm getting cold feet. And then she'll call and ream me out. And probably tell everyone at the ceremony tomorrow that I almost chickened out.
That's all I need. That's all David needs to hear. That I almost changed my mind...
Or I could go and see Em...
No, I couldn't. He's worse than Vic and Ma put together!
Or...
Zip. Zero.
That's when I realize I'm all alone in this. I've run out of friends -- literally!
Except... maybe.
I turn around and head the Miata to one more place. It's been such a long time since I've been here. A really long time. Maybe he doesn't even live here anymore. I'm trying to remember if Emmett said anything about him moving. Or losing the condo. I don't think he did.
I'm nervous. But I ring the bell.
"Michael."
The look on Ted's face says it all. He's shocked. Well, I'm shocked to be there, too. And I'm ashamed to realize that I didn't even invite him to the wedding.
"Hi, Teddy. Can I come in?"
"Of course." He steps aside and I walk in.
The apartment looks the same. Exactly the same. I don't know why I'm surprised. Why wouldn't it look the same? Some opera is playing in the background, and there's a book open on the sofa and a bottle of water on the coffee table.
Ted looks... sad. Thin. Pale.
Now I feel guilty. Ted was one of my best friends and I've barely spoken to him since...
Jesus, I can't remember how long it's been.
Now I feel even more guilty. His problems make mine look stupid! He's been in rehab, Em says he almost died! And here he is, alone.
What's my stupid, fucking problem? Man trouble! Yeah, I am such a fucking pussy!
"Can I get you some... water?" Ted asks. "Or a Diet Pepsi?"
"Sure. I'd love one." I sit on the sofa. I never thought I'd feel so... so uncomfortable with Ted. He was one of my best friends. We talked about everything. Shared everything about our lives. And now it's like we're strangers.
He gets the bottle of Diet Pepsi and pours some into a glass with ice.
"Thanks," I say. "I was really thirsty.
Ted sits down next to me. Could this be any more awkward? I don't think so.
"So," says Ted. "Tomorrow is the big day."
That's what everyone keeps saying! But I nod. "Yeah. The big day."
"Emmett told me he and Vic are doing the reception."
I keep nodding like a brainless puppet."It's going to be great. They're doing everything. It's in David's backyard. I mean, our backyard. Vic made the cake, too. Buttercream. That's David's favorite."
"Sounds very nice."
"Should be." Now I'm squirming.
Fuck! This was a mistake. I can't do anything right tonight! How can I get out of here?
"Michael," Ted says gently. "Why are you here?"
He's got me there. "I... I don't know."
Ted just looks at me. "You can tell me, Michael. Anything. Don't be afraid. Who am I going to tell?"
He's right. He's not going to tell Emmett. And he's not invited to the wedding. So...
"I was just at Brian's," I whisper. "I... I was hoping that he'd... that he would..." I can't say it out loud. It's too pathetic. But Ted knows. He knows me so well.
"And... did he?"
"What do you... think?" The words are catching in my throat.
"He called your bluff, didn't he?" says Ted. "He pretended that he was going to fuck you, but he really forced you to run away, didn't he?"
I swallow. "Yeah. That's exactly what he did." He did! He scared me away. I should have realized it at the time, but I was so angry. So humiliated. "He threw me off the fucking cliff!"
"For your own good," Ted adds.
"But it's not for my own good!" I insist. "Now I don't know what the fuck to do!"
"You mean about marrying David?" Ted's voice is so steady, so strong. I've missed him so much!
"Yes." I feel like a total dick.
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know." I pause. "I have to marry David." I should have said 'I want to marry David.' But I didn't. I said 'I have to.' That's what it feels like. I have to. Like there's a fucking gun to my head. Except I'm holding the gun to my own head. And I'm about to pull the goddamn trigger!
"This isn't about Brian at all, is it?"
Yes, Ted knows me. "Not really."
"You're in love with Ben," Ted states. "You never stopped loving Ben."
"I never stopped loving Ben." There. I said it. "But..."
"But what? Michael, if you're in love with Ben, then don't marry David," Ted says.
"It's not that simple!"
"Sure it is." Ted sips some water from his bottle and I notice that his hand is shaking. "It's like they told us in rehab -- it's a simple choice. You take drugs or you don't take drugs. You get better or you go back to using. You live or you die. You have to decide what you want and how you're going to live your life. And then you do it. One step at a time, one day at a time."
"But David won't understand..."
"What does it matter what he understands, Michael? This is your life, not his. He's not your father or your master. He's your lover and it will be easier to get out of it before he becomes your husband -- or whatever he'll be after a commitment ceremony."
"My partner. But he's already that."
"Is he?" Ted asks. "Is he really, when you're always thinking about Ben? And going over to try to get Brian Kinney to fuck you the night before the wedding?"
"That's not fair!" I want to shout at Ted. Tell him he's totally wrong! Make him see why I have to do what I'm going to do tomorrow -- marry David. "That thing with Brian -- I know it was immature."
"But you wanted him to do it," says Ted. "You've always wanted it. And there's a place in your heart that always will want it. But you know it won't happen. And Brian knows it won't happen. So he was willing to kick you in the balls to make sure you didn't go there." Ted shakes his head. "Just like your 30th birthday! The Great God Kinney works in mysterious ways. I'd almost have to admire him -- if I didn't detest him so thoroughly."
"I know," I say. "Brian's been shitty to you in the past. And he's been shitty to me, too. But he's also saved my life more than once. Ever since we were kids. No matter what he does, I can't forget that."
Ted nods. "I hate to admit that I know what you mean, but I do. When I came out of my coma the first thing I saw, the first thing I heard, was Brian fucking some male nurse in the next bed. I thought I'd died and gone to Hell, where my punishment was to spend eternity watching Brian fuck. Kind of the way I'd spent my actual life up to then. And now I get to see Brian Kinney fuck on my television. I just watched 'The Olympian' on HBO. He's good in the film, I have to give him that."
"Yeah," I say. "He's good. He's Brian."
Ted looks down at his water bottle. His hands aren't shaking as much, but the tremor is there. And he knows I can see it.
"Since you're sharing with me, I'll share with you," he says. "If you promise not to tell anyone. And I mean no one. Because I'm not even supposed to know."
"Okay." I sit very still, wondering what Ted wants to tell me. It makes me afraid. Like maybe he's positive. That happens to a lot of guys on crystal. They stop being safe because they're too high.
"When I tried to get into rehab, they turned me down," he says. "My insurance from the website had been canceled and I didn't have enough money in savings. I couldn't afford rehab and I was afraid I'd lose my condo."
"I didn't know." Now I really feel bad. Ted was in trouble, but he didn't feel like he could come to me for help.
"No one did. Except Tim." Ted smiles slightly. "I went to him because I didn't know who else I could talk to. And he's still almost like a priest, so I knew he wouldn't tell anyone, not even Vic. But..." Ted pauses. "Tim did get the word to one person. Someone who was also in rehab, although I didn't know that at the time."
"Brian?" I say in surprise.
"Brian," Ted says. "Brian got his own doctor to get me into rehab here in Pittsburgh. And he paid for it all. And he paid off the mortgage on my condo, and the taxes, too. I didn't know what he'd done until right before I got out. Tim came to see me and told me. At first I was so mad I couldn't stand it, but Tim said, 'Ted, sometimes you just have to know when to accept help.' Which is what we learned in rehab. Know when to accept help, no matter where it comes from. That's when I understood Brian would never acknowledge that he'd done it. And he didn't want me to acknowledge it either. Because that's his way. That's why I hate him -- and why I owe him everything."
We sit there for a long time. Well, it seems like a long time. And then my cell buzzes. It sounds so loud I almost jump off the sofa. David calling.
"Michael? Where are you?"
I try to make my voice sound normal. "I'm over at Ted's. Just shooting the breeze."
"Ted?" I can hear the disapproval in David's voice. "Are you coming home soon? Big day tomorrow."
"I was just leaving." I sign off and stand. "I have to go."
"I know," says Ted. "Good luck, Michael. Make the right choice. Listen to your heart. It's a cliche, but it's true."
"Thanks." I hug Ted and it feels good. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if Ted and I had ever gotten together. I know he wanted that at one time, but I never felt the same way about him. He was always better as a great friend than a potential lover. And I hope he will be a friend in the future. "I'll see you. When we get back from France."
"Sure," Ted nods. "When you get back. From France."
I leave Ted's and drive home.
It's only about twenty minutes from Ted's condo to David's house, but it's one of the longest drives I've ever taken in my life.
Almost as long as the walk I'm going to take tomorrow. To the altar.
Where I'm going to say "I do."
I think.
***