"Midnight Clear" 32
Clarification.
By Gaedhal
San Francisco, December 2005
Although he'd gone to bed dog-tired, an hour later Brian was still only dozing.
Then the cellphone rang.
He picked it up immediately, suddenly all too aware of what he'd been waiting for.
"Justin." It was statement. He didn't even have to look at the cell to know.
"Brian." Another statement.
Then a moment of heavy silence.
Finally, Justin took a deep breath. "I just got your message. I had my phone on vibrate, but I guess I didn't feel it."
"You were out late."
"I went out with Daphne. She thought I needed to go out and get trashed."
"Did you?"
"Get trashed? A little." Pause. "Not too much."
"Where did you go?"
"Daphne wanted to look at some cute guys -- and so did I. We started at Train. It's a new dance club downtown. But the music was awful. And it was full of straight people. It was gross."
"That's what happens when you go to those kinds of places, Sunshine. You see all sorts of perverted things, like guys kissing girls."
"I know. I've learned my lesson. Never again. So then we went to Babylon."
Brian nodded to himself. "Did you see some cute guys? Anyone really hot?"
"A few. I danced with one guy who couldn't keep his hands off my ass."
"Of course. Who could resist that ass?"
Justin laughed. "He couldn't."
"So." Brian coughed nervously. "How was he? A top or a bottom?"
"I don't know." Pause. "Do you really think I fucked him?"
"Why not? You're young, hung, and hot. I would have."
"For the record, Brian, I didn't. But are you telling me you wouldn't care if I went out and fucked some other guy?"
"I didn't say that." Brian's voice was low. "We aren't talking about me. We're talking about you. About getting your needs met when you need to. That's all I mean. I'm saying that... if you did, it's only sex. That's all it is."
"Does that mean you just finished fucking some guy?" Justin's voice took on an edge. "Is he still there? Right there with you in bed?"
"No. You know that when I trick I don't let some guy stay longer than it takes for both of us to get our rocks off. Besides, I haven't fucked anyone since I left Pittsburgh. I could of, but... this isn't about me."
"Then what is it about, Brian?"
What, indeed? Brian couldn't articulate it to himself, so how could he explain it to Justin?
"I... I want you to experience everything you can, Justin. Like I did. To do all of the guys you can. To get fucked up when you need to. To live a little before..."
"Before what?"
"Before you decide what it is you really want. Before you give it all up for..."
"For a relationship? For you, Brian?"
Brian swallowed. "For whatever." He paused. "Yes. For me. I want you to be sure. I don't want you to look back one day and think 'Why did I do this? What did I give up? And for this asshole?' I don't want to wake up one day and find a Post-It note on my pillow, like that female on 'Sex and the City.' A fucking piece of paper telling me that you're gone."
Now Justin really laughed. "I thought you hated that show! You say it's stupid. You always make fun of me when I watch my 'Sex and the City' DVD's!"
"It IS stupid. Those women are fucking idiots and the man are all dickless. Except for Mr. Big. He has a few nice suits."
"I'm not going to leave you, Brian," Justin said seriously. "I'm not some 17-year-old kid who doesn't really know what he wants. Who thinks he's in love with the first guy he fucks!"
"Oh, no?"
"Yes, you were the first guy I ever fucked, but it's more than that. I had plenty of chances before that night. I had guys at Dartmouth who were interested in me. An old rich guy in Italy wanted to take me to his villa and have his evil way with me."
"You should have done it. You'd probably be a kept boy on a yacht with some Italian prince lavishing you with Armani suits and golden cigarette lighters."
"I'm too short for Armani," Justin reminded him. "And I don't need a golden cigarette lighter. I already have a gold and silver bracelet given to me by my generous sugar daddy."
"I'm not your sugar daddy! You don't need a fucking sugar daddy! But maybe you do need to... to really know what you want. Maybe me being gone is a way for you to find that out."
"No, Brian. I already know what I want. I didn't fuck that guy in Italy because I didn't want him. I didn't love him. Some men can have sex and -- what did Michael tell me once? -- it's like a handshake to them."
"Yeah," Brian sniffed. "Sometimes literally like a fucking handshake!"
"But that's not me. I want more than that. I NEED more than that. I need you, Brian. I want to be with you. Because I love you. Sometimes you make me crazy, but I guess that's the chance you take when you love someone. You have to take him as he is. And I'd rather take you, even though you can be an infuriating, insane, and domineering jerk sometimes."
"And those are my good qualities!"
"They are," Justin agreed. "They're the qualities that make you strong. That drive you to succeed. It's part of what makes you Brian Kinney. But that's not all you are. You're also vulnerable and insecure. A sweet and tender lover. An unselfish and giving friend. A loving father. And, underneath it all, a kind person."
"Jesus!" Brian breathed. "Don't tell anyone else that kind of shit! Are you trying to ruin me? Trying to shred my carefully crafted image?"
"Yes," Justin said. "The re-making of Brian Kinney. With a little help from your partner. Which is me, in case you've forgotten."
"I haven't forgotten. But what about you, Justin? Who are you, besides my partner? Besides my lover?"
"I'm still figuring that out. Hopefully, an artist. One day. But always a part of you. Never forget that, Brian. Never. Remember what you told me that first night when we made love? That no matter who I was with or what I did for the rest of my life, you'd always be a part of me. Well, no matter where you are or what you do, I'll always be a part of you, too. Because I love you. And you love me. That's what it all means."
"I was wondering what it all meant. Thanks for clarifying the obvious, twat."
"It's my pleasure."
"I better get to sleep. I have a lot to do tomorrow. Terrorizing the party planners. Kicking some more incompetant ass. The usual."
"Get some sleep, Brian."
"You too. Later, Sunshine."
"Later, Brian. 'Night."
Brian put down the phone. Then he rolled over and fell into a deep, dreamless, and restful sleep.
***
By Gaedhal
San Francisco, December 2005
Although he'd gone to bed dog-tired, an hour later Brian was still only dozing.
Then the cellphone rang.
He picked it up immediately, suddenly all too aware of what he'd been waiting for.
"Justin." It was statement. He didn't even have to look at the cell to know.
"Brian." Another statement.
Then a moment of heavy silence.
Finally, Justin took a deep breath. "I just got your message. I had my phone on vibrate, but I guess I didn't feel it."
"You were out late."
"I went out with Daphne. She thought I needed to go out and get trashed."
"Did you?"
"Get trashed? A little." Pause. "Not too much."
"Where did you go?"
"Daphne wanted to look at some cute guys -- and so did I. We started at Train. It's a new dance club downtown. But the music was awful. And it was full of straight people. It was gross."
"That's what happens when you go to those kinds of places, Sunshine. You see all sorts of perverted things, like guys kissing girls."
"I know. I've learned my lesson. Never again. So then we went to Babylon."
Brian nodded to himself. "Did you see some cute guys? Anyone really hot?"
"A few. I danced with one guy who couldn't keep his hands off my ass."
"Of course. Who could resist that ass?"
Justin laughed. "He couldn't."
"So." Brian coughed nervously. "How was he? A top or a bottom?"
"I don't know." Pause. "Do you really think I fucked him?"
"Why not? You're young, hung, and hot. I would have."
"For the record, Brian, I didn't. But are you telling me you wouldn't care if I went out and fucked some other guy?"
"I didn't say that." Brian's voice was low. "We aren't talking about me. We're talking about you. About getting your needs met when you need to. That's all I mean. I'm saying that... if you did, it's only sex. That's all it is."
"Does that mean you just finished fucking some guy?" Justin's voice took on an edge. "Is he still there? Right there with you in bed?"
"No. You know that when I trick I don't let some guy stay longer than it takes for both of us to get our rocks off. Besides, I haven't fucked anyone since I left Pittsburgh. I could of, but... this isn't about me."
"Then what is it about, Brian?"
What, indeed? Brian couldn't articulate it to himself, so how could he explain it to Justin?
"I... I want you to experience everything you can, Justin. Like I did. To do all of the guys you can. To get fucked up when you need to. To live a little before..."
"Before what?"
"Before you decide what it is you really want. Before you give it all up for..."
"For a relationship? For you, Brian?"
Brian swallowed. "For whatever." He paused. "Yes. For me. I want you to be sure. I don't want you to look back one day and think 'Why did I do this? What did I give up? And for this asshole?' I don't want to wake up one day and find a Post-It note on my pillow, like that female on 'Sex and the City.' A fucking piece of paper telling me that you're gone."
Now Justin really laughed. "I thought you hated that show! You say it's stupid. You always make fun of me when I watch my 'Sex and the City' DVD's!"
"It IS stupid. Those women are fucking idiots and the man are all dickless. Except for Mr. Big. He has a few nice suits."
"I'm not going to leave you, Brian," Justin said seriously. "I'm not some 17-year-old kid who doesn't really know what he wants. Who thinks he's in love with the first guy he fucks!"
"Oh, no?"
"Yes, you were the first guy I ever fucked, but it's more than that. I had plenty of chances before that night. I had guys at Dartmouth who were interested in me. An old rich guy in Italy wanted to take me to his villa and have his evil way with me."
"You should have done it. You'd probably be a kept boy on a yacht with some Italian prince lavishing you with Armani suits and golden cigarette lighters."
"I'm too short for Armani," Justin reminded him. "And I don't need a golden cigarette lighter. I already have a gold and silver bracelet given to me by my generous sugar daddy."
"I'm not your sugar daddy! You don't need a fucking sugar daddy! But maybe you do need to... to really know what you want. Maybe me being gone is a way for you to find that out."
"No, Brian. I already know what I want. I didn't fuck that guy in Italy because I didn't want him. I didn't love him. Some men can have sex and -- what did Michael tell me once? -- it's like a handshake to them."
"Yeah," Brian sniffed. "Sometimes literally like a fucking handshake!"
"But that's not me. I want more than that. I NEED more than that. I need you, Brian. I want to be with you. Because I love you. Sometimes you make me crazy, but I guess that's the chance you take when you love someone. You have to take him as he is. And I'd rather take you, even though you can be an infuriating, insane, and domineering jerk sometimes."
"And those are my good qualities!"
"They are," Justin agreed. "They're the qualities that make you strong. That drive you to succeed. It's part of what makes you Brian Kinney. But that's not all you are. You're also vulnerable and insecure. A sweet and tender lover. An unselfish and giving friend. A loving father. And, underneath it all, a kind person."
"Jesus!" Brian breathed. "Don't tell anyone else that kind of shit! Are you trying to ruin me? Trying to shred my carefully crafted image?"
"Yes," Justin said. "The re-making of Brian Kinney. With a little help from your partner. Which is me, in case you've forgotten."
"I haven't forgotten. But what about you, Justin? Who are you, besides my partner? Besides my lover?"
"I'm still figuring that out. Hopefully, an artist. One day. But always a part of you. Never forget that, Brian. Never. Remember what you told me that first night when we made love? That no matter who I was with or what I did for the rest of my life, you'd always be a part of me. Well, no matter where you are or what you do, I'll always be a part of you, too. Because I love you. And you love me. That's what it all means."
"I was wondering what it all meant. Thanks for clarifying the obvious, twat."
"It's my pleasure."
"I better get to sleep. I have a lot to do tomorrow. Terrorizing the party planners. Kicking some more incompetant ass. The usual."
"Get some sleep, Brian."
"You too. Later, Sunshine."
"Later, Brian. 'Night."
Brian put down the phone. Then he rolled over and fell into a deep, dreamless, and restful sleep.
***