"The End of 'The Evil Stream'" 2
New York City
By Gaedhal
One day in early November of 2005, Justin was trudging
home from the restaurant in a light snowfall. He was
cold, wet, and dead-tired from his eight hour shift. As he
headed into the subway station he saw a flyer tacked to a
post. "Ethan Gold, Violinist -- at NYU." Justin stopped and
took down the information about the time and place of the
performance. He hadn't seen or spoken to Ethan since he'd
walked out of his dirty apartment more than two years
before.
But on the night of the recital Justin put on his best pants
and shirt and showed up at the hall. He didn't know why he
was there. Curiosity, maybe. Or loneliness. Even though they
had parted under horrible circumstances, Justin still
remembered when he'd had feelings for Ethan -- or had
thought that he did.
Ethan was the same as he'd always been. A phony who thought
he was the real thing. Smirking with his crooked teeth while
he played his violin with an aggressive flourish. Flirting with
the audience. Scoping out the cute guys and smiling ingratiatingly
at the older women. Ethan always knew what to do to get the best
results. And he was apparently doing very well with his musical
career. Justin saw his CDs for sale in the lobby of the auditorium
and they were selling briskly. And the venue, although small,
was packed.
After the recital was over Justin approached Ethan. But his
ex-lover was decidedly cool.
"What are you doing here in New York?" Ethan asked as he
signed a CD for a woman admirer.
"Working," said Justin. But he didn't say as a waiter and a temp.
"What? Wouldn't Kinney take you back?" Ethan sneered. "I
thought I heard that he did."
"Yes," Justin replied, trying to keep his voice steady. "Brian
and I got back together."
"Is he here in New York, too?" Ethan asked bluntly. "A happy
couple at last?"
"No," Justin said more softly. "We... we... aren't together right
now. Not exactly. But... it's hard to explain."
"Kinney will never change," said Ethan with a superior smile.
"He'll never give you what you really want and you know it. He's
not capable of loving anyone but himself. You wanted romance,
Just -- and that's what I gave you. Maybe I screwed up one
lousy time, but that was no reason for you to fuck me over!"
"I'm sorry," Justin said sincerely. "I never should have left
Brian in the first place. It... it wasn't you, Ethan -- it was
me."
But Ethan glowered back at Justin. "I wasn't lying when I told
you that I loved you. I meant it! But all the romantic moments
I tried to give you -- even you being my 'Muse'! -- that wasn't
enough for you, was it? Nothing is ever enough for you, Justin,
because you don't know what the fuck you want!" he spat. "Do
you? Do you know what you really want? I don't think so!"
Justin was taken aback by how angry Ethan was at him. By how
hurt he still seemed by Justin walking out on him. Justin had
been so infuriated by Ethan's cheating that he had never given
a single thought to how Ethan had taken the breakup. But it
was clear that he was still pissed off about it, even after all
that time.
Time. It's only time, right?
Those words echoed in his head and made it ache.
"You want everything all at once, but what you end up with is
nothing," Ethan pronounced. "That's your problem, Just -- and
it always will be."
Another guy was waiting for Ethan. Loitering in a corner, trying
to look inconspicuous. Ethan was with the same manager he'd had
when he was with Justin, and he was still following the man's
directions and playing it straight in public. But Justin knew that
this guy was Ethan's boyfriend, even if his fans didn't. The guy
was young and cute and he looked very nervous as he twisted his
program in his hands. But Ethan never looked his way. Instead
he turned to greet another admirer. Justin took the opportunity
to slip out the side door.
But on his walk back to Malcolm's apartment, Justin couldn't
stop thinking about what Ethan had said to him.
What DID he want, really?
Justin thought he knew when he left Brian for Ethan. And he
thought he knew again when he set out to win Brian back. He
also thought he knew when he left Pittsburgh to go out to
Hollywood and make 'Rage.' But when he returned home months
later, his tail between his legs, he wasn't so sure anymore.
And Justin once again thought he knew what he wanted when he
left Brian because Brian wouldn't stop tricking and be the
monogamous partner of his dreams. Then he thought he knew
once and for all when Brian told him that he loved him. When
Brian asked him to marry him. When he called Justin his
prince and told him that he would do anything to make him
happy. Anything.
But then Justin got scared. Scared about what it all meant.
Scared that Brian was only freaking out about the bombing of
Babylon and didn't really mean what he'd said about wanting to
get married. That the promises Brian made -- all the words Justin
had been longing to hear -- were illusions. Justin realized that
he had been scared of all those promises. Scared of the future.
Scared of his own feelings.
And then there was New York.
The article in 'Art Forum' that Lindsay got so excited about. The
praise from what Justin thought was an important and powerful
art critic. It all went directly to Justin's head.
Justin thought that he knew what he wanted in New York. The
freedom to create. Fame. Fortune.
But he'd thought that 'Rage' would give him all of those things, too.
It didn't. It turned out to be empty words. More illusions.
And New York... so far it wasn't happening for him. It was difficult
to get a foot in the door in the insular art world. In Manhattan
Justin was surrounded by people as talented and desperate to
succeed as himself -- or more so. It might take years to make
a career -- or it might never happen at all.
Meanwhile, Justin was working two dead-end jobs and making no
progress at all with his art. He was exhausted, lonely, broke,
and barely surviving. How much longer could he hang on?
But when Jennifer Taylor called to ask him to come home for
Christmas, Justin said no. He couldn't face returning to Pittsburgh
as anything less than a total success. He especially couldn't face
Brian. To have left the man he loved for anything less was unthinkable.
The best homosexual he could possibly be -- that's what Brian had
called him that last night they were together. But at this moment
Justin felt farther away from being that than he had ever felt in
his life.