This is my life
It's one of those nights.
I was tired, but going to bed only causes me to lie awake thinking.
It's THAT time again. University has started, and I have let myself down.
But feeling sorry for myself hasn't helped thus far, so I'm going to give that one a miss this time around. I do however feel guilty. I'm letting people around me down. It's OK though, it's for the best.
I've finally learnt my lesson, I can't fool myself any more. Studying something I can't be engaged in is just not worth it. I like History, I think it's hugely important, and very interesting, but it just isn't something I can study under pressure like this, it's just not something I love. I don't come to it, I don't bury my head in History texts. And without that, I just can not be successful at it. When I realised this, I came to conclude what things I DO love. I've said this before most likely, if not, I've certainly thought it. The things I believe I could study, maintain composure, go above and beyond the workload, and enjoy every moment of it, are;
Music, Fashion, and while this seems stupid, Street Fighter. These are the 3 things that are constantly on my mind, playing through my head like a (it took me about 10 minutes to remember(re; google) what this word was) MONTAGE, of all the good albeit unlikely things that'd happen if I did one of those things seriously.
I can't take them seriously though, let's be honest for a minute here.
Let's start with Music. I can't study music. I have no technical knowledge at all. Studying music in school would've been a really good idea now, looking back. And I have no natural talent or useful skills. Can't play an instrument etc.
Fashion. Hah. Once again, no talent, skills, or technical knowledge. Studying it? I don't know. I think I could dive straight in and figure things out though. I know that doesn't sound smart, but obviously I wouldn't just jump in head first. But I think as a consumer who LOVES brands, I can put that knowledge to good use on the other side of the equation. It's all a silly pipe dream, but maybe not, y'know? Worst I could do is fail. And I would never regret that.
Last, and clearly least, Street Fighter. I really do love it. I could study it, in far more depth than anything I've tried to at University. But it just isn't an option. I'm not 14 anymore, I can't keep thinking it's worth the time I put in.
And that's where I'm at. The worst part is I can't help thinking of how little I've changed since this blog started in... 2003? (too lazy to check) I mean sure, I can smoke Cigarettes (and do), I can drink Alcohol (and do, occasionally), I work part time, and I can have sex, but still, I waste too much time playing Video Games, and I still have no goals. And this post, hah, it's pretty similiar to some things from then. Less whiny, and more advanced gramatically (I hope). But oh well, it's not all bad.
If I could however, just get a little bit sorry for myself, I would like to talk about a friend.
He always says, "ahhh my life is so bad, fuck this, it's so shit." Yeah I say that too, hah. I promise this is a real person, and not just me pretending to have a friend. Anyway, this friend. Since I first met him in 2007, he's been talking about moving away to get this oppurtunity to intern somewhere he loves, doing something he loves. And I've always been like, "oh cool.", and never really thought too much about it. But now lo and behold, it's come true. His hard work, and dilligent efforts through social media websites have paid off, and his dream is coming true. I'm really really happy for him. Sure it'll mean he's moving away, but honestly whatever. I'd be a terrible friend to care about that even a little bit compared being happy about the oppurtunity he is finally getting. Anyhow, the reason I mention this is because of how he always use to complain about life, but ALWAYS had this goal. And sure, it seemed unlikely, but it worked out. I want that.
I want that.
I don't think I'm being too greedy though. I'd be happy with the goal. I just want something to work for. A light at the end of the tunnel, regardless of how long that tunnel is, or even if the end doesn't exist. I just want to feel like I have a reason for living through another year. It's OK. I'm sure I will one day. I've just been so lost ever since I was 17. As soon as it became reality that school would finally end, I've been so, so lost. The worst part is that I finished school in 2006.
And it's now 2010. I moved to Wellington, was single, tried uni, got a tattoo, dropped out, worked a full time job, got back with my high school girlfriend, got beaten up, quit my job, moved back home to my parents, moved to a different island to be with my girlfriend, started uni again, finished a year of uni, moved back home, started uni again, tried a long distance relationship, broke up, failed at uni, moved back home, got together with my current girlfriend, moved in with her, and started uni again.
I've tried uni 4 times, had 2 serious relationships, moved 7 times, worked 4 jobs, gotten 3 tattoos, but, I've learnt nothing. NOTHING has changed. What life experiences do I NEED to have for it to 'click'? Does it ever 'click' for some people? If it doesn't 'click', what do you do? Does no 'click' guarantee an unhappy and unfulfilled life?
Is there an instruction manual for growing up? There are one's for raising kids, so surely there must be. Is there an app for that? Just kidding. Can I blame it on my generation? I'm just part of some generation of underachievers who've had readily available access to everything they could ever need and barely have to work for anything, so society must be to blame for my easy ride. I'm not really going to suggest that's the case. My friend is a perfect example of that being false. He has worked, worked, worked, through all the shit, for 3 years, and now he is enjoying his reward. It's his turn. I'm patient, I can wait my turn. What keeps me up at night is not knowing if it will ever be my turn.
I was tired, but going to bed only causes me to lie awake thinking.
It's THAT time again. University has started, and I have let myself down.
But feeling sorry for myself hasn't helped thus far, so I'm going to give that one a miss this time around. I do however feel guilty. I'm letting people around me down. It's OK though, it's for the best.
I've finally learnt my lesson, I can't fool myself any more. Studying something I can't be engaged in is just not worth it. I like History, I think it's hugely important, and very interesting, but it just isn't something I can study under pressure like this, it's just not something I love. I don't come to it, I don't bury my head in History texts. And without that, I just can not be successful at it. When I realised this, I came to conclude what things I DO love. I've said this before most likely, if not, I've certainly thought it. The things I believe I could study, maintain composure, go above and beyond the workload, and enjoy every moment of it, are;
Music, Fashion, and while this seems stupid, Street Fighter. These are the 3 things that are constantly on my mind, playing through my head like a (it took me about 10 minutes to remember(re; google) what this word was) MONTAGE, of all the good albeit unlikely things that'd happen if I did one of those things seriously.
I can't take them seriously though, let's be honest for a minute here.
Let's start with Music. I can't study music. I have no technical knowledge at all. Studying music in school would've been a really good idea now, looking back. And I have no natural talent or useful skills. Can't play an instrument etc.
Fashion. Hah. Once again, no talent, skills, or technical knowledge. Studying it? I don't know. I think I could dive straight in and figure things out though. I know that doesn't sound smart, but obviously I wouldn't just jump in head first. But I think as a consumer who LOVES brands, I can put that knowledge to good use on the other side of the equation. It's all a silly pipe dream, but maybe not, y'know? Worst I could do is fail. And I would never regret that.
Last, and clearly least, Street Fighter. I really do love it. I could study it, in far more depth than anything I've tried to at University. But it just isn't an option. I'm not 14 anymore, I can't keep thinking it's worth the time I put in.
And that's where I'm at. The worst part is I can't help thinking of how little I've changed since this blog started in... 2003? (too lazy to check) I mean sure, I can smoke Cigarettes (and do), I can drink Alcohol (and do, occasionally), I work part time, and I can have sex, but still, I waste too much time playing Video Games, and I still have no goals. And this post, hah, it's pretty similiar to some things from then. Less whiny, and more advanced gramatically (I hope). But oh well, it's not all bad.
If I could however, just get a little bit sorry for myself, I would like to talk about a friend.
He always says, "ahhh my life is so bad, fuck this, it's so shit." Yeah I say that too, hah. I promise this is a real person, and not just me pretending to have a friend. Anyway, this friend. Since I first met him in 2007, he's been talking about moving away to get this oppurtunity to intern somewhere he loves, doing something he loves. And I've always been like, "oh cool.", and never really thought too much about it. But now lo and behold, it's come true. His hard work, and dilligent efforts through social media websites have paid off, and his dream is coming true. I'm really really happy for him. Sure it'll mean he's moving away, but honestly whatever. I'd be a terrible friend to care about that even a little bit compared being happy about the oppurtunity he is finally getting. Anyhow, the reason I mention this is because of how he always use to complain about life, but ALWAYS had this goal. And sure, it seemed unlikely, but it worked out. I want that.
I want that.
I don't think I'm being too greedy though. I'd be happy with the goal. I just want something to work for. A light at the end of the tunnel, regardless of how long that tunnel is, or even if the end doesn't exist. I just want to feel like I have a reason for living through another year. It's OK. I'm sure I will one day. I've just been so lost ever since I was 17. As soon as it became reality that school would finally end, I've been so, so lost. The worst part is that I finished school in 2006.
And it's now 2010. I moved to Wellington, was single, tried uni, got a tattoo, dropped out, worked a full time job, got back with my high school girlfriend, got beaten up, quit my job, moved back home to my parents, moved to a different island to be with my girlfriend, started uni again, finished a year of uni, moved back home, started uni again, tried a long distance relationship, broke up, failed at uni, moved back home, got together with my current girlfriend, moved in with her, and started uni again.
I've tried uni 4 times, had 2 serious relationships, moved 7 times, worked 4 jobs, gotten 3 tattoos, but, I've learnt nothing. NOTHING has changed. What life experiences do I NEED to have for it to 'click'? Does it ever 'click' for some people? If it doesn't 'click', what do you do? Does no 'click' guarantee an unhappy and unfulfilled life?
Is there an instruction manual for growing up? There are one's for raising kids, so surely there must be. Is there an app for that? Just kidding. Can I blame it on my generation? I'm just part of some generation of underachievers who've had readily available access to everything they could ever need and barely have to work for anything, so society must be to blame for my easy ride. I'm not really going to suggest that's the case. My friend is a perfect example of that being false. He has worked, worked, worked, through all the shit, for 3 years, and now he is enjoying his reward. It's his turn. I'm patient, I can wait my turn. What keeps me up at night is not knowing if it will ever be my turn.