same ol' shit so they say
I haven't really been online in awhile, which is sad, honestly. I really wish I was, if only to write some fic and chat but I just can't seen to find the time or motivation. I'm so fucking exhausted all the time it's ridiculous.
Work is fucking ridiculous too. At it's heart, fast food isn't really that bad of a job, and my particular company is mostly decent. It's the fuckign drama and bullshit that gets you, the shit that, well, they say it's everywhere so like, there's no reason to leave a place because of it right?
So that promotion? Still haven't gotten it. Techically. Not the pay raise that goes with it or the fucking title. But I run the fucking shifts. I've done most the training. But yeah technically not even "in training" yet because I'm supposed to wait for some other bitch to finish. Not sure why when she's on days I'm on nights, it's not like we interfere with each other's training. Quite frankly she doesn't bust her fucking ass every day either so....it's not really equal at all.
Captain Starbucks is leaving, again. Officially this time. Basically on a quick path to being a General Manager and eventually working his way up the corporate ladder. I'm happy for him, really. I'm just so fucking pissed about it at the same time. The one motherfucker who actually seems to be doing shit to help me be successful is leaving.
He's already offered me a job, and a place to stay, provided it's once he gets settled in and has the authority. I already told him I would take it, hands down. At least I can say that for a fact with the way my life is now. I'm tired of being stuck. Tired of things being dependent on other people and not my own self.
Already stressed the fuck out every day. I don't eat much, and what little I do tends to get puked back up. I hardly sleep, or when I do it's for half a fucking day. And I still fucking bust my ass at work cause that's all I really know how to do any more. And I made the decision that I"m gonna go as high as I can at this company. Management and beyond the whole shebang. And of course the day I decide this, is the fucking day that bitch-ass ex-friend of mine tells me that the fucking District Manager, my boss' boss, called me a fucking backstabbing bitch. Saying I was spreading rumors about said ex-friend and that all her drama and multiple boy toys was somehow my fault. The fucking DM who doesn't know shit about me says this shit?? And of course I'm pissed. Because of course this shit is gonna stop me from getting promoted right? But manager tells me it's mostly my GM's decision, so I'm a little less worried.
Fast forward a few weeks to today. Cap'n Starbucks pulls me into the office. I'm already fucking stressed, I'm running a shit shift and my fucking best friend/other Crew Chief/Other closer just went home cause he's ready to fucking pass the fuck out, I'm sad and mad that Starbucks is leaving, I'm worried about the future of the store, my own future and then and then, fucking Starbucks tells me that the GM is done with the highschool drama bullshit at our store, says the new policy is you're caught talking shit about someone you're fucking fired. I'm fine with this, of course the whole damn time Starbucks is talking to me literally every mofo on shift is looking through the office window, calling me on the headset with "can i go home" "can I go home" "can I go home". And then fucking Starbucks tells me my ex-friend who doesn't say shit to me, still owes me $200+, is, as it turns out, been talking shit about me behind my back. And it's like, I just fucking snapped, I started going light-headed my vision started to become unfocused. I'm trying to keep the conversation going, get some questions answered, but we've got to go out and tend to customers but I can't fucking do it. I'm so fucking pissed.
The next thing I know I"m fucking outside, sitting on the ground, trying not to have a fucking mental breakdown and slow my breathing.
It's gets worse as the night goes on, better eventually. I don't feel like my hearts about to split my chest open anymore. The fucking rage has died a little. I'm just so fucking tired of being stabbed in the back. And I'm more pissed at myself than anything because i fucking let this happen. And now this bitch and her bullshit fucking drama is affecting my job, my promotion, my fucking success and I fucking let it happen.
Starbucks of course is trying to make me feel better, trying to calm me down. Shit about how he's already talked to the DM about me, how he's fighting for me and I fucking know he is but I'm just so done.
I was standing there tonight, ready to throw up, head spinning. Starbucks asks me if I want him to put me out of my misery, I said "go ahead, I know you have the gun in the car". He tells me "I'll give you the gun, I ain't doing it for you though" told him he didn't have to, said I'd do it myself.
We've joked about dark shit like that before, it's nothing new. I'm not sure I was joking tonight.
I think he knew I wasn't.
I'm not saying I'd do it. 'Cause I fucking wouldn't. Life's not that bad and even if it was. I'm not that...I'm not that fed up yet, I think. I still got a helluva lot more patience, more ambition, more drive. But I think that was the first time in awhile, maybe the first time at all, that I was serious about it. Serious enough at least.
It's kind of fucked up. The shit that goes on in someone's head, my head, anyone's head. Like one day it's okay, and then a switch gets flipped and suddenly everything is too much. And half the time it's not reality, it's just how you're brain twists shit.
It's funny though, I'm pretty sure one of the last posts I did put up was something about how my life seemed to be going okay. Maybe I jinxed it.
Work is fucking ridiculous too. At it's heart, fast food isn't really that bad of a job, and my particular company is mostly decent. It's the fuckign drama and bullshit that gets you, the shit that, well, they say it's everywhere so like, there's no reason to leave a place because of it right?
So that promotion? Still haven't gotten it. Techically. Not the pay raise that goes with it or the fucking title. But I run the fucking shifts. I've done most the training. But yeah technically not even "in training" yet because I'm supposed to wait for some other bitch to finish. Not sure why when she's on days I'm on nights, it's not like we interfere with each other's training. Quite frankly she doesn't bust her fucking ass every day either so....it's not really equal at all.
Captain Starbucks is leaving, again. Officially this time. Basically on a quick path to being a General Manager and eventually working his way up the corporate ladder. I'm happy for him, really. I'm just so fucking pissed about it at the same time. The one motherfucker who actually seems to be doing shit to help me be successful is leaving.
He's already offered me a job, and a place to stay, provided it's once he gets settled in and has the authority. I already told him I would take it, hands down. At least I can say that for a fact with the way my life is now. I'm tired of being stuck. Tired of things being dependent on other people and not my own self.
Already stressed the fuck out every day. I don't eat much, and what little I do tends to get puked back up. I hardly sleep, or when I do it's for half a fucking day. And I still fucking bust my ass at work cause that's all I really know how to do any more. And I made the decision that I"m gonna go as high as I can at this company. Management and beyond the whole shebang. And of course the day I decide this, is the fucking day that bitch-ass ex-friend of mine tells me that the fucking District Manager, my boss' boss, called me a fucking backstabbing bitch. Saying I was spreading rumors about said ex-friend and that all her drama and multiple boy toys was somehow my fault. The fucking DM who doesn't know shit about me says this shit?? And of course I'm pissed. Because of course this shit is gonna stop me from getting promoted right? But manager tells me it's mostly my GM's decision, so I'm a little less worried.
Fast forward a few weeks to today. Cap'n Starbucks pulls me into the office. I'm already fucking stressed, I'm running a shit shift and my fucking best friend/other Crew Chief/Other closer just went home cause he's ready to fucking pass the fuck out, I'm sad and mad that Starbucks is leaving, I'm worried about the future of the store, my own future and then and then, fucking Starbucks tells me that the GM is done with the highschool drama bullshit at our store, says the new policy is you're caught talking shit about someone you're fucking fired. I'm fine with this, of course the whole damn time Starbucks is talking to me literally every mofo on shift is looking through the office window, calling me on the headset with "can i go home" "can I go home" "can I go home". And then fucking Starbucks tells me my ex-friend who doesn't say shit to me, still owes me $200+, is, as it turns out, been talking shit about me behind my back. And it's like, I just fucking snapped, I started going light-headed my vision started to become unfocused. I'm trying to keep the conversation going, get some questions answered, but we've got to go out and tend to customers but I can't fucking do it. I'm so fucking pissed.
The next thing I know I"m fucking outside, sitting on the ground, trying not to have a fucking mental breakdown and slow my breathing.
It's gets worse as the night goes on, better eventually. I don't feel like my hearts about to split my chest open anymore. The fucking rage has died a little. I'm just so fucking tired of being stabbed in the back. And I'm more pissed at myself than anything because i fucking let this happen. And now this bitch and her bullshit fucking drama is affecting my job, my promotion, my fucking success and I fucking let it happen.
Starbucks of course is trying to make me feel better, trying to calm me down. Shit about how he's already talked to the DM about me, how he's fighting for me and I fucking know he is but I'm just so done.
I was standing there tonight, ready to throw up, head spinning. Starbucks asks me if I want him to put me out of my misery, I said "go ahead, I know you have the gun in the car". He tells me "I'll give you the gun, I ain't doing it for you though" told him he didn't have to, said I'd do it myself.
We've joked about dark shit like that before, it's nothing new. I'm not sure I was joking tonight.
I think he knew I wasn't.
I'm not saying I'd do it. 'Cause I fucking wouldn't. Life's not that bad and even if it was. I'm not that...I'm not that fed up yet, I think. I still got a helluva lot more patience, more ambition, more drive. But I think that was the first time in awhile, maybe the first time at all, that I was serious about it. Serious enough at least.
It's kind of fucked up. The shit that goes on in someone's head, my head, anyone's head. Like one day it's okay, and then a switch gets flipped and suddenly everything is too much. And half the time it's not reality, it's just how you're brain twists shit.
It's funny though, I'm pretty sure one of the last posts I did put up was something about how my life seemed to be going okay. Maybe I jinxed it.