Sleepless
Seems to just keep on happening, each night I simply cannot sleep. And yet all day I just stay in my room, sleep, and smoke till I am sick. I'm just wallowing in my own self pity, I just cannot seem to find happiness right now. Sure I can be entertained and distracted, but beyond that on the inside I'm miserable as all hell. The truth of why I am is something so foolish, That I'm still not willing to speak about it.
Overall I just want to find a solution to these feelings, and why I am having them. Hell, I've even started to doubt my desires in going to AC. I hate using a facade but lately I've been hiding behind it far too much. I just need to get these off my chest, and yet by speaking about it, it doesn't do me any good.
Christ, maybe I could use some anti-depressants or something. These days just go on and on, me sitting and contemplating my next move, smoking another cigarette, damn near chewing these things down now.
And some who would want to drag me out of this house and take me out, I do not desire that either, I think I've just finally broken down, completely out of it. I do want to smile again without having to hide behind it. I do want to laugh, even though right now they all feel as hollow as me.
I'm not one to write emo posts, you can ask anyone about that, this isn't me. Thats why I hate the way I am even more, which in turn only worsens it. It seems the symbol of myself, a spiral, now only represents one going down.
Mayhaps if I could just remain in an alcohol induced stupor, I would be happy again, dulling all the pain with a wonderful chemical cocktail or what have you. Just left to remain in my own spinning world, Hell, I guess its true you cannot see the gallows if you're spinning the whole way there.
I know some of you will be reading this, concerned for my safety, but you can relax. I'm not /that/ desperate to be free of sadness at any and all costs. This is me venting my feelings to you all without having someone try to give me a hug or something, which honestly, at this point might just make me snap.
Christ, already done with half a pack today, breaking into the other half now. Maybe thats another reason I'm unable to sleep, all that nicotine rushing through my veins, not even giving me a break via slumber. Or maybe I'm just seeking to punish myself somehow, Choking out my lungs with the same exact thing that killed my mother. Wish I didn't have work in a few hours or I might as well just be drinking my body weight in some strong liquor, but hell, I'm so stingy I don't want to drink anymore of the Jameson I have. As far as I'm concerned, that stuff is for happy times only.
Yea, thats what I'd enjoy right about now is a big bottle of vodka, maybe polish off half of it in an hour. Pass out drunk and sick, wake up with a headache, see if that doesn't give me amnesia.
But yea, Again, to anyone worried about me, just don't. It's not worth your time, This should just be a passing thing.
I sincerely hope it is.
-Roy
Overall I just want to find a solution to these feelings, and why I am having them. Hell, I've even started to doubt my desires in going to AC. I hate using a facade but lately I've been hiding behind it far too much. I just need to get these off my chest, and yet by speaking about it, it doesn't do me any good.
Christ, maybe I could use some anti-depressants or something. These days just go on and on, me sitting and contemplating my next move, smoking another cigarette, damn near chewing these things down now.
And some who would want to drag me out of this house and take me out, I do not desire that either, I think I've just finally broken down, completely out of it. I do want to smile again without having to hide behind it. I do want to laugh, even though right now they all feel as hollow as me.
I'm not one to write emo posts, you can ask anyone about that, this isn't me. Thats why I hate the way I am even more, which in turn only worsens it. It seems the symbol of myself, a spiral, now only represents one going down.
Mayhaps if I could just remain in an alcohol induced stupor, I would be happy again, dulling all the pain with a wonderful chemical cocktail or what have you. Just left to remain in my own spinning world, Hell, I guess its true you cannot see the gallows if you're spinning the whole way there.
I know some of you will be reading this, concerned for my safety, but you can relax. I'm not /that/ desperate to be free of sadness at any and all costs. This is me venting my feelings to you all without having someone try to give me a hug or something, which honestly, at this point might just make me snap.
Christ, already done with half a pack today, breaking into the other half now. Maybe thats another reason I'm unable to sleep, all that nicotine rushing through my veins, not even giving me a break via slumber. Or maybe I'm just seeking to punish myself somehow, Choking out my lungs with the same exact thing that killed my mother. Wish I didn't have work in a few hours or I might as well just be drinking my body weight in some strong liquor, but hell, I'm so stingy I don't want to drink anymore of the Jameson I have. As far as I'm concerned, that stuff is for happy times only.
Yea, thats what I'd enjoy right about now is a big bottle of vodka, maybe polish off half of it in an hour. Pass out drunk and sick, wake up with a headache, see if that doesn't give me amnesia.
But yea, Again, to anyone worried about me, just don't. It's not worth your time, This should just be a passing thing.
I sincerely hope it is.
-Roy