Keep me sane chapter 4
KEEP ME SANE.
Authors: chichachu and eadwine63
Fandoms: Gackt, Hyde, Moon Child
Disclaimer: We don't own Gackt, Hyde or anything to do with Moon Child. We only own this plot.
Pairing: Gackt x Hyde... basically
Rating/warning: NC-17. Sex, bad self-image and over the top emotions, confusion and basically LOTS of drama.
Summary/setting: Gackt and Hyde are in the middle of filming. The tension settles between them like a veil and it only gets worse when they have to film scenes that portray the more than strong bond between Sho and Kei. Hyde feels very uncomfortable, shy and sensitive and being in Gackt's company only makes it worse. When it all takes a turn for the worse, who can Hyde turn to?
A/N. This is shorter than the previous chapters but if it's any consolation, the next chapter will be longer xD
chapter 1
chapter 2
chapter 3
Chapter 4
Gackt hated himself for being that indiscreet, for confusing Hyde even more and himself with him on top of that. He didn't answer when the director asked him what was wrong and he didn't answer when he was asked if he'd return; it just didn't matter much to him. The others would be alright without them. They would simply shoot some scenes without either of them and Gackt didn't care if he'd be scolded later because Hyde was all that mattered right now. But when he knocked on the door of his hotel room, Hyde shouted at him, told him to leave. It was obvious that he believed Gackt had lied to him and the painful truth that he eventually had done just that made Gackt flinch. He had no idea what else Hyde could be thinking. Maybe Hyde thought he had done all this to be able to be that close to him, maybe he thought whatever else Gackt didn't want to imagine. He gave up on trying to make Hyde open the door after a while, but he wasn't able to find peace throughout the whole day. He hoped that Hyde would maybe come to him, but he didn't and soon Gackt was starting to get worried. He told himself to wait another hour, but after a mere ten minutes he couldn't sit around any longer and went to Hyde's hotel room again. It was already dark outside and Gackt wondered how he had been able to keep himself from trying to talk to Hyde during the rest of the day. "Haido," he muttered softly while knocking on the door again. He could barely hide the concern in his voice, but it didn't matter anyway. "Please ... let me talk to you. I promise I won't try to kiss you." He tried to say this in an amused tone of voice but failed miserably and sighed. "Hyde ... please."
Kei jerked open the door to his hotel room, glaring at the man on the other side. "What do you want!" He nearly yelled, still hurt from the night before and upset because he knew what Gackt had done. He knew everything Hyde knew, though it wasn't like that the other way around. When Kei didn't want Hyde to know, he didn't know. And for now, he didn't need to know. Maybe he never needed to know. "You've hurt him so much already. I could have coped myself, but you just had to go and lie to him?! Do you have any idea how it feels to have your trust ripped from you?" Kei glared at the other man, a hand on his waist and the other still holding the door. "I don't want to talk to you, Gackt." He spit out the name in disgust. He knew he shouldn't be blaming Gackt for everything that had happened, because Kei had been the one to go to Gackt in the first place, but he was hurt himself and on top of that Hyde was hurt even more, so he felt the need to be angry first. He wanted to slam the door shut again, but Gackt didn't let it happen as he held the door and put a foot between it as well, surprised at the strength Hyde portrayed.
Gackt had never thought Hyde could be that strong and somehow he knew that he wasn't. This was still all so strange and Gackt had no idea what it was, but to him it was clear that there were two persons inside Hyde's body. Kei had joined Hyde and the only thing Gackt didn't know was if it was Hyde still playing around, if he had some mental problems or if it was even some kind of demon controlling him. Gackt didn't really think that, but who knew? In the end he managed to push Hyde - Kei - back rather harshly and stepped inside, slamming the door shut. "What are you actually thinking?" he shouted, angered once more. "Who do you think you are? No ... What exactly are you?!" Gackt stepped closer and Kei didn't step back while Hyde would have fallen back instantly, Gackt knew. "Yesterday you wanted me to sleep with you. Today you think I'm hurting ... Hyde. The person you seem to be possessing somehow. But who was the one who had almost betrayed his wife? Hyde, stop fooling around like that! I have better things to do than to keep myself busy with your mood swings." He was breathing flatly and the anger made him want to shout at Hyde, at Kei, made him want to make that ... thing inside his friend leave. But he just stood there in the end, so close that he could hear Hyde's - or rather Kei's - breath and they just glared at each other while Gackt tried to hide his nervousness and confusion.
"I'm Kei! Can't you even recognise what you yourself have created?" Kei shouted. His mind was created by Gackt, obviously, Kei knew that. Hyde was just the body that provided him his existence. But Hyde was more than just a vessel for him. He was a friend, his companion, even though Hyde hadn't been aware of that and wouldn't either - at least not yet. Kei knew that it would be soon that Hyde would start believing Gackt's words. "I'm not Hyde. Hyde is not here right now. Just like Sho isn't here." He snorted. "I was a fool to think that someone like you could be like Sho. Sho would never hurt me or the person he loved. He's too kind hearted and you're obviously nothing like that. I'm sorry. I made a mistake." Kei stepped back and turned around, going further inside and leaving Gackt, an obvious sign for him to leave again. "I thought you of all people would understand. But obviously you don't." He wanted to toss Gackt out of the room and go out, have a nice night. Enjoy himself and let Hyde forget the fight with Gackt. He wanted to forget it himself. He was stronger than Hyde though, so he didn't need it as much.
Gackt stared at his friend in disbelief and felt anger boiling up inside him again. "Damn, you bastard," he whispered in a threatening tone, finally beginning to understand that Hyde couldn't influence what he was doing, "give Hyde back!" He slapped Kei right in the face and at the latest when he didn't even flinch but glared at him, raising his hand as well, Gackt knew this was not Hyde. He grabbed Kei's wrist and hindered him from defending himself while pushing him backwards against the wall. "Give him back," he hissed, trying to find at least a spark in those eyes that let him hope for Hyde to gather his wits soon. Kei was strong, so much stronger than Hyde; but Gackt had an idea. His expression softened and he even smiled a little, came just that little bit closer that it confused the man in front of him enough so that he didn't try to flee or push Gackt back when he let go of him. "Kei," he muttered softly and smiled. In the end this was still his imagination and nobody knew Kei and Sho better than Gackt himself. He would know best how to make Hyde's ‘Kei side’ think it was Sho he was talking to. "I told you not to leave me," he whispered and came just a bit closer and Kei had fallen silent within the fragment of a second, now just staring at him wide-eyed. "I missed you," Gackt went on and when he leant in some more and let their lips touch briefly, for a so short moment, he shivered all over; but that feeling would've been so much better if it had been the real Hyde standing there. Not a fake or something like a second Hyde. "I love you," he whispered and a sad smile grazed his lips when he said that, realising how true those words actually were.
Kei didn't think about defending himself anymore even less about hitting the other man, he just stared at Gackt with wide eyes, confused. "S-sho?" It couldn't be Sho, right? But Gackt's expression had softened and his entire behaviour seemed to have changed slightly. His hand was still holding Kei's wrist but its grip had lessened. "Is that ... you?" Was this real or was Gackt just messing with him? Maybe as some kind of punishment? He shook his head. "No ..." He gazed into blue eyes questioningly, but still longingly. If this was Sho ... Kei's heart skipped a beat, before deciding to just beat faster. "You're not Sho." Sho wouldn’t kiss him, not like that, but Kei hesitated and he frowned, still looking into those eyes and weakly trying to get away from the man in front of him, but Gackt - or Sho - didn't let go and Kei didn't even try to break free from the hand holding him properly. If this was Sho ... What would he do? What was he supposed to do? He loved him, of course. And Sho had accused him from leaving him and Kei felt guilty for doing that. He had been here, with Gackt. Had he betrayed Sho's trust? "Sho?" He reached a hand and touched the other man's cheek. Love - Sho had said he loved him with a smile on his lips. But even though those words made his heart leap, they always did. Sho had said them before, their meaning just that slightest bit different from when Kei said them.
Gackt smiled a little, almost a bit surprised at how easy it was to confuse Kei. This wasn't Hyde, after all. There had to be something going on in Hyde's mind that had made him think he was Kei. Gackt had no idea what it was, but it had to be a strong feeling so that Hyde just didn't realise he wasn't acting like himself and Gackt had to somehow bring the true Hyde back to the surface. He slipped his arms around Kei's waist and gently pushed him against the wall some more so that he couldn't escape now even if he wanted to, but Kei didn't even seem to think about that. "Are you that desperate?" he whispered, burying his face in Kei's hair. "Are you so desperate that you need to pretend you're someone else so that you're able to talk to me?" He felt Kei wince in his arms and he could almost sense the anger that rose up inside him, but he didn't care. "You pretend to be Kei, but if you really want to be close to me, then why would you want me to fall for Kei?" His lips moved down and rested on Kei's cheek and for a moment he wondered if he was taking advantage of the fact that he was able to be close to Hyde like that, but he pushed that thought aside. "You're not Kei," he whispered again and smiled, "Kei has fallen for a child. I'm not a child. Haido ..." He sighed against his skin and then looked Kei in the eyes and smiled slightly, but Kei’s eyes were still wide. This time it wasn’t caused by his confusion, but rather by his anger.
Gackt had messed with him, had taken advantage of his confusion by pretending to be Sho. "Let me go." He growled lowly, pushing Gackt's chest to be able to escape from his suffocating embrace. All he had wanted was to find an outlet for his impossible love. And he had been wrong, he should never had done that. Gackt was not Sho; he would never be Sho. Where was his Sho? He pushed Gackt aside with more force now, finally able to find the strength to do so. He felt cold and alone and he wanted Sho to be there now, he wanted his friend to comfort him, wanted him to run his hand through his hair as he comfortingly held him, like he had done before. Why was he even here? How had he gotten here? Kei started to tremble as he pushed past Gackt and walked out of the door. It wasn't long before he could hear footsteps following him. He turned back angrily, a hurt expression on his face, combined with anger. "I'm not Hyde. Why can't you believe that?"
"You ..." Gackt stopped a few steps away from Kei, just looking at him. "Why are you doing this to me?" He took another step toward Kei and sighed when Kei took an equal step backwards. "I love you, Hyde," he whispered barely audible and he didn't even have to struggle to say that since he guessed Hyde wouldn't hear or wouldn't want to hear. Therefore he had not in the slightest a problem with just saying what he thought right now. "I fell for you soon after our first meeting and a while ago I began to dream of you. You're the first person I think of when I wake up and the last one I think of when I go to sleep. Everything reminds me of you and whenever you smile at me you make my day that bit brighter.” Gackt stepped closer to Kei once more and this time Kei didn’t fall back, simply listened to what Gackt had to say, although he was still somewhat suspicious and angry. “I crave every touch you dedicate to me and I want nothing more than to be close to you at every time. You're a quite secretive person and also a bit shy, but that's what makes you who you are, Hyde, and I love you for that. You might want to wear the mask of a confident and strong man to protect yourself and shut yourself away from all evil outside, but you don't need to make me think that's the true you. I know it isn't. Hyde ... I can protect you as well." Gackt didn't care that Kei still had this annoyed look on his face, he just wanted to let Hyde know how he felt somehow and even if Hyde wouldn't know this afterwards, he didn't care. A sad smile played about his lips when he lowered his eyes to the ground and put his hands in his pockets.
"Stop it. I'm not him." But a shiver ran through Kei at Gackt's words. He looked at the floor as well. "Tell him, not me. Maybe it would make up for accusing him for something he didn't do." Kei doubted it, rather thought that Hyde would be even more confused and possibly even hurt by Gackt's confession, because he knew there was something going on between the two of them, something that shouldn't have been there to begin with. Something that could never become real. Kei knew what that was like - he knew it all too well. He loved Sho, but he was everything but a lover. He was a friend to Sho, a parent even and it would always remain that way, until Sho died and left him alone. His feelings shouldn't even be there, it was unheard of. Was he even supposed to be able to feel like that; he was a monster after all and didn't deserve Sho's love in the first place, whatever kind of love there was. Kei knew how much it hurt to love someone you shouldn't. He knew. "You don't understand." He simply said to Gackt and smiled at him sadly. "You don't know what it feels like to desire something or someone you can never have." Kei chuckled darkly and ran a hand through his own hair. "I just thought you'd understand and grant me the chance to have something close to the affection I can never get from Sho." He was silent for a while when they both just looked at each other, only steps away. "I was wrong.” He shifted his gaze to the floor once more, his eyes filled with an eternal loneliness. He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself, feeling truly cold now.
Gackt watched Kei for a while and even though he was convinced that he had a clear conscience in this case, he felt sorry for him now. Even though this wasn't even a real person to him; it was just a creature with no background since Hyde had just taken on those character traits. But it seemed so real to him and Gackt hesitated, but then went to Kei and gently but still hesitantly touched his shoulder, not sure how he was allowed to touch him. But this was Hyde, wasn't it? In the end it was Hyde. He wanted to touch Hyde so badly; he wanted to be close to him and he wanted him to feel good. This was somehow Hyde, even though it wasn't Hyde at all at the same time. It seemed to be Hyde's wishful thinking, his way to hide himself and feel strong and confident. Maybe it was his subconscious doing this to him. So Gackt began to feel really bad for hurting Kei like that as it had just been Hyde after all. He raised his hand and gently brushed Kei's hair out of his face. He shouldn't treat Kei like that. He had to show him that he didn't need to be strong, didn't need to be that stubborn person he was portraying himself as right now. "Come with me," he whispered and led him back to Hyde's hotel room. Kei seemed to be too confused to contradict and just let Gackt place him on the bed once they were inside. Gackt closed the door and drew the curtains so that it would also be dark in the room in the morning. "No one knows you better than I do," he whispered and knelt down in front of Kei who just stared at him now. He took off his shoes and put them away, then sat down on the mattress next to him. "I know exactly how you feel. I know what it feels like to love but to know that you won't be given that love back. And I know that the love Sho gives to you isn't the love you want him to give." Kei didn't say a word and was just sitting there silently. Gackt sighed and gently wrapped an arm around his waist to pull him a bit closer. "You want me to give what Sho can't give to you, but I can't do that because I don't want to get Hyde into trouble. And you don't want the same for Sho, do you?" He smiled briefly. "Why don't you try to sleep again? You need some rest."
"I ..." Kei swallowed. He didn't want to betray Sho by sleeping with Gackt, but he thought it wouldn't hurt. He couldn't really betray Sho if there wasn't anything between them after all. But then again, he'd only end up hurting himself and he would hate himself for betraying Sho like that, even if to Sho it wasn't a betrayal at all. He sat on the bed, looking at his hands, thinking about what Gackt had said and finding truth in his words. He was being selfish. "I'm sorry. I just - I wanted ..." He stopped talking and sighed, burying his head in his hands for a moment and taking another deep breath. "You're right." He smiled a bit sadly and laid back on the bed. "Will you stay for a while? We can't do anything wrong if you just ... stay. Right?" He just really wanted someone to be there now. Not having Sho there to make him smile again, he settled for Gackt. And just by being there, they couldn't do anything wrong. Kei just felt so cold, so entirely alone. Eternity was hell when you had to spend it by yourself, he thought bitterly. Kei closed his eyes and felt the bed dip beneath Gackt's weight and he smiled a bit. Gackt would leave soon, but at least he was still here now. He opened his eyes again and took Gackt's hand in his own. "I'm sorry. And thank you." He didn't elaborate because he knew Gackt would understand, at least a little. After all, he knew him best. This, he would understand too.
Gackt just smiled and shifted so that he could lie next to Kei in a comfortable position. He sighed and squeezed his hand a little, showing him that he was there. Kei needed him, that was obvious. Hyde needed him. He watched him for an eternity, just looked at his face until he heard his breath become slow and calm. Gackt knew they had been lying next to each other for a while already, but to him it just seemed like minutes. He longed to lean in and kiss those lips, wanted to kiss them with love and get love back. But he knew that wasn't possible. Hyde loved Megumi, and Kei loved someone entirely else. So Gackt knew he would never get the love he wanted as long as he didn't pretend to be Sho. But he felt Kei's breath on his face, soon felt him cuddle up to him, and when he ended up in his arms and Gackt just held him, just wanted to be there and make him feel good, he felt his heart beat faster once more. He had confessed his love to Hyde, a love he had held in the very back of his mind, and it hadn't even felt special even though he had said it to him without hesitating, told him straight in the face how he felt for him. "I love you," he whispered again and just watched Kei for a while - or was it Hyde now? Gackt leant in some more, coming so close that he almost didn't dare to breathe. Just a little kiss... Maybe he wouldn't even wake up. So Gackt overcame the last centimetres between them and shivered all over when those lips touched his own. Just a brief kiss that held so much meaning for him.
"Nghh~" the smaller man moaned a bit and slowly his eyes fluttered open for a second, before closing again. He shifted a tiny little bit and licked his lips. "Gacchan ..." he muttered softly, before falling back asleep.