Keep me sane] chapter three

[eadwine63]

KEEP ME SANE.

Authors: chichachu and eadwine63
Fandoms: Gackt, Hyde, Moon Child
Disclaimer: We don't own Gackt, Hyde or anything to do with Moon Child. We only own this plot.
Pairing: Gackt x Hyde... basically
Rating/warning: NC-17. Sex, bad self-image and over the top emotions, confusion and basically LOTS of drama.  
Summary/setting: Gackt and Hyde are in the middle of filming. The tension settles between them like a veil and it only gets worse when they have to film scenes that portray the more than strong bond between Sho and Kei. Hyde feels very uncomfortable, shy and sensitive and being in Gackt's company only makes it worse. When it all takes a turn for the worse, who can Hyde turn to?

chapter 1

chapter 2


Chapter 3

Hyde woke up in his hotel bed, needing a bit of time to re-establish that he was in Taiwan and not at home in Japan. He stretched his arms above his head and cracked his back slightly. He yawned, feeling curiously drained even though a look at the clock on the wall told him it was nearing noon. He was still tired and he felt as if he had been up all night, crying. A numb headache tugged at his temples and he rubbed them. He also felt simply miserable for some unknown reason. He moved a hand over his eyes and to his surprise he did feel the remainders of tear tracks on his face; had he been crying in his sleep? He looked puzzled for a while, before shaking his head and going to the bathroom to shower and get ready for his next afternoon of shooting.

He arrived at the set a bit later than expected, but he was still early enough. He liked to be among the first on set and see the others arrive. He greeted the bit of crew that was already there and plopped down on a chair next to the set that was still halfway set up from yesterday. He felt awkward again, simply from seeing the set and remembering how awkward he had felt the day before. Luckily it had turned out alright, though it had taken a few tries. He really did want the movie to turn out amazing. He didn’t want to let Gackt down either. He frowned. He remembered that he had stayed later with Gackt and that they had played along as Sho and Kei, but he couldn’t quite remember what exactly they had done or said. It was a curious feeling. He remembered walking out with him and talking about things Sho and Kei would have talked about, just like they would have done on set. He vaguely remembered thinking about blood and seeing the cut on Gackt’s hand - a cut he had given himself. But it was somehow really vague as well, like he had seen it through someone else’s eyes. All he remembered clearly afterwards, was getting back to the hotel and being very conscious of the tension between them again. He had gone to bed and slept until late morning, feeling tired even though he had had a lot of rest in comparison to some other days. Hyde waited for Gackt to arrive and hoped their encounter wouldn't be too awkward. He felt stupid for acting like he had never seen Gackt before and was fascinated by his fame or something, as if he was one of his fans. Although he and Gackt were good friends, right? So there wasn't any reason to feel embarrassed or awkward. Or upset? Why did he even feel upset?

Hyde waited and was surprised to see that Gackt, who had taken his time on purpose, arrived late this time. Usually he wanted to be at the set as early as possible to talk about important matters to the director, to check on the preparations and to just be there when he was needed. This time he even came a few minutes too late so that his make-up artist hurried to him, completely over-excited and nervous, dragging him to where she had settled down. He hardly reacted to questions and requests and didn't even try to make the people around him think he was feeling fine. He wasn't and he also didn't react when one of the women yelped in surprise and disgust at seeing his wound, when they kept discussing what they were to do about that now. When he noticed Hyde who even dared to come over to them, he just glared at him before looking away. Hyde stopped in his tracks, even flinched a bit and just uttered a brief tense greeting, seeming lost and awkward and hurt. Why wouldn’t Gackt look at him, but glared daggers whenever he did manage to catch his gaze? Hyde suspected he had done or said something wrong without his knowledge - he thought about what he could only vaguely remember from the evening before - because those daggers were clearly only aimed at him. But even though Gackt was the one to have made Hyde cry just hours before, even though he had shouted at him, he didn't feel for him right now. Hyde had played around with him and Gackt wasn't willing to forgive him. He just stared into the mirror he was sitting in front of, facing Sho, the man Hyde seemed to be in love with. He snorted and a make-up artist asked him if there was anything about his styling he didn't like. Hyde was shy and reserved again, barely dared to talk to him and Gackt was glad for that. What had he been thinking? He constantly kept glaring and looking away from him and  Hyde was positive something had happened between them somehow.

When his eyes fell on Gackt’s hand when he looked over to the bickering make-up artists, he noticed that it was too red and swollen for just being a clean cut, but he dismissed it. Maybe they had simply gone too far yesterday and Gackt was simply as embarrassed as he was? But he didn't like the way Gackt looked at him with disgust in his eyes - a sign that something was seriously wrong. Hyde felt upset himself and felt like crying, even though he had no idea why. He felt like something important had happened between them, but he couldn't remember what it was. The only thing Hyde knew was that he hadn't seen Gackt after getting back to the hotel, so it had to be something he had said before.

As soon as he was allowed to, Gackt stood up and pushed past Hyde without a word. Why was he still acting like that - like there was nothing wrong and like it was Gackt’s fault they weren’t on good terms anymore? Was he still playing that silly game of his? Gackt just snorted again, fumbling around in his pocket and fished out a cigarette pack and lighter, immediately lighting one of the cigarettes. He didn't react when Hyde called out his name and seemed to be following him and when he talked to a random staff member he noticed Hyde faltered in his movements and just watched them, certainly understanding the gesture. Gackt hoped for the both of them that Hyde wouldn't try to talk with him for the rest of the day if he didn't crawl to him on his knees to beg for forgiveness. He couldn't express how much he hated the fact that they were forced to work together now, really work together, interact with each other. He tried to convince the director that some other scenes would be better to be shot first, but in the end he was forced to shoot a scene with Hyde in the very beginning. When Hyde came to the set and joined him, smiling shyly at him, he didn't turn a hair. "Ne, Kei," he said indifferently and sunk his hands in his pockets, "not thirsty for Sho's blood anymore?" His words reminded him of his wound. The make-up artists had just bandaged it in the end and now it hurt even more for some reason - Gackt hated them for it and it made him only angrier that Hyde still behaved as if he didn't know what he had done wrong.

Hyde frowned as if he had not even the slightest clue what Gackt was talking about or why he was referring to Sho and Kei, for that matter. It only confirmed his suspicions that something he had said while acting as Kei had upset Gackt. "Gacch-" He stopped, certain that Gackt wouldn't want him to call him that now, so he started again, hurt that they were fighting and not even knowing why, "Gackt. I know I said something that made you upset and I'm sorry for whatever it was. I would never mean to upset you." He didn't really elaborate that he didn't even know what he had done wrong and he didn't care because he only wanted for them to be friends again, even awkward friends. Not these two men that seemed to hate each other. It hurt Hyde and it hurt more than he had expected. Something was very wrong between them. "I ...," he hesitated, not really knowing what to say to make it better, "let's just ... work," he said when Gackt didn't even want to look at him, let alone give him an answer. "I'm sorry."

They just worked, how Hyde had suggested and the atmosphere was exactly like that. They just worked. There was no emotion that could have been caught by the cameras. They had to repeat a single scene a thousand times and the director seemed to wonder if Hyde had really been the right person to choose as Gackt's co-star if they didn't even get along with each other. They both knew the cast and crew were wondering what was wrong, because they had been such good friends and suddenly they were the exact opposite. When they finally finished the scene, Gackt instantly headed for the small buffet for the staff members to get something to eat - to keep himself busy, not because he was really hungry. But Hyde even followed him now, almost like a dog, and it made Gackt angrier still. Was he trying to purposely anger him? Could that really be his aim? Gackt didn't want to think that, but he had no logical explanation for this either. "Tell me, Hyde," he began after a while when Hyde was still next to him, obviously thinking about what to say, "no wait, Kei. Kei, tell me, aren't you satisfied yet? Or do you want Sho to tell you that he loves you? What do you want me to do that you'll stop playing around with me like that and make me feel like a fool? Tell me, Kei, I'm curious!" He didn't care that Hyde stared at him in confusion, his eyes even showing pain. He knew it was just a mask he put on to make him feel even worse, to confuse him. Gackt desperately tried to find out what Hyde wanted, but he just couldn't understand it.

"I ... I-" Hyde stuttered, already close to tears at Gackt's outburst. He wasn't a strong person when it came to things like this; he was a sensitive man and cried easily even though he had a mask to put on and he was used to put it on in front of the camera's, but not in front of his friends. He didn't want to feel the need to do so around his friends, especially not around Gackt. He looked at Gackt, but it only made Gackt more angry. Was he really just acting? But then why didn't his words make sense? Something told him that he was really talking to him, but why direct it at Kei then? He wasn't going crazy right? "I don't know what you're talking about, Gackt." His voice was just a quiet mutter. "You're not making sense ..." He looked at Gackt, swallowing his fear for a second and stared straight into Gackt's eyes, as a way to show that he was being honest, that he really didn't know what he was talking about. "Again: I'm sorry if I said or did anything to upset you, but I don't know what it is that upset you so much. I don't mean to do so in any way. Gackt, you're my friend!" Hyde felt upset, felt really hurt that Gackt was talking to him like that and he was frustrated and angry at himself for not knowing why. He suddenly felt like a big part of his memory was gone, but he remembered everything, except for a few vague moments before returning to the hotel. That couldn't have caused all this, could it?

Gackt just snorted again, giving up on the thought of having something to eat. "Do you think saying sorry helps me?" He hissed and walked away from the set, Hyde following him. He rolled his eyes, but at least no one could easily listen to them here and he granted Hyde and himself this much privacy. "You should rather be thankful. I could have just fucked you, Hyde, and what would you have told Megumi?" Hyde had no idea what Gackt was talking and Gackt laughed quietly, maliciously almost and crossed his arms in a defensive way, signalling Hyde that he wasn't in the mood to play along any longer. "I thought you were faithful, a role model for everyone out there, for your fans and even for me and then you play such a fucked up game. Have you been toying with me from the very beginning? Are you making a fool of me even now? Tell my, Hyde, or are you still Kei right now? Do you want to call me Sho instead, do you like that thought better?” Gackt was so angry at him, felt so used and he didn’t like that feeling. He was used to being in control and now he felt like he wasn’t anymore, like Hyde was still playing around with him even as he seemed rooted to the floor and very close to tears. “You should know I'm the wrong one to fool around with. If you don't stop that immediately, I'll make you pay for it. And if that means I have to fire you, even if it will cost me a whole fucking lot, I will do so. So beware what you're doing, Hyde. Kei. Whatever, choose a name. A nice body isn't all you need to make it through life, even if it's such a beautiful one like yours. I'm tired of this already, so stop that shit." Gackt wasn't used to swearing that much, but he didn't try to control himself this time.

Hyde had no idea why Gackt was saying all these things, why he was threatening to fire him. Gackt used to be such a controlled, kind man. He had to stop doing whatever he didn't remember he did. And why was he acting as if Hyde and Kei were the same - existing - person? Maybe Hyde had been a bit too submerged into his role yesterday on set, but that couldn't have caused all this either, because things had been fine when they had returned to the hotel. Hyde was at a loss and with Gackt's last word, he felt a tear running down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away, turning his back to Gackt, because he hated looking this weak. He hated being like this in front of anyone, but he couldn't stop himself from crying. He was pathetic; he wanted to stop this, but he had no idea how. He was breathing heavily from trying to contain his tears, but after a while he just let them run, constantly wiping them away. With his back still turned to Gackt, he told him he was sorry once more, twice more. But Gackt didn't even listen anymore. "I can't remember ...," he muttered to himself more than to Gackt, frustrated and angry at himself, "what have I done so wrong to have you yell at me like this?" Gackt was always so kind, so considerate and now he was a bomb seconds away from exploding. No - he had already exploded and Hyde had been the one to set him off. He wanted to turn back to Gackt, but to his shame the tears wouldn’t stop falling and he felt so weak and pathetic. He didn't want Gackt to see him like this, even though he must look a real mess already. He sobbed once and was sure Gackt noticed. Gackt remembered the tears he had seen in Hyde's, Kei's or whoever's eyes when he had told him to leave. He hadn't been crying, but had been close to bursting into tears and Gackt supposed he had shed his tears later. Seeing Hyde like this now or rather staring at his back, he felt sorry. He had never been the kind of man who would swear a lot and he especially hated arguments with his friends. But was this even an argument? Gackt didn't think so. He had just scolded him, had shouted at him and now Hyde was crying. He kept apologising even though he had kept protesting to him that he had no idea what Gackt was talking about. Gackt should have thought that this was proof of him lying, but the fact was that he wasn't thinking anything like that. The best actor couldn't fake so many tears. The best actor wouldn't act that well and turn away from him because his character would be ashamed of letting him see his tears. Gackt remained silent for a while and bit his lip when a few staff members stole gazes at them from the set. Slowly, Gackt began to doubt that Hyde was lying. He pressed his lips together, wanted to hug Hyde and apologise for having shouted at him like that, but he couldn't. Maybe Hyde didn't even want him to touch him or perhaps that was exactly what he aimed for? Gackt was so confused that he couldn't follow his own thoughts anymore. Hyde was a very sensitive person, it seemed. In public he always seemed so strong and confident, but he wasn't like that at all; that was what Gackt could see right now. He didn't say anything, though. He hesitated to even step closer, but then he took a deep breath and took a step towards Hyde, wrapped his arms around him from behind and Hyde flinched but seemed to see that it was too late to hide his tears anyway and he just sobbed again, just let this happen. Gackt was unsure. He couldn't be acting right now, but maybe he just felt guilty? That was probably it; he felt guilty and because he was so sensitive, he cried easily.

"Why?" Hyde sobbed in his hands. "What did I do to you?" He asked again, hoping to not anger Gackt further. He wasn't accusing him, just simply asking for the truth, because he couldn't see what he had done, but it must be something that had really upset Gackt. "I'm sorry for whatever I did. I didn't mean to upset you." Hyde kept saying he was sorry because whatever he had done was bad enough to make Gackt act like this, even if it was something that he had done unconsciously. Hyde was trembling slightly with the effort of containing his tears and sobs, not wanting Gackt to see him like this, not wanting anyone to see him like this. But he guessed it was already too late and he could practically feel the gazes directed at them. He hated this weakness and wished that it would just disappear. "Gacchan, I don't know what I did wrong. I'm sorry." He didn't notice he had used that nickname again, because it fell off his lips so easily. He was so used to it and it simply came naturally to him, so that it rolled off his tongue without him even noticing it properly. "Please believe me."

Gackt noticed the others' gapes that were more than conspicuous and sighed, simply positioning himself between Hyde and the staff members so that they couldn't see them anymore. He turned Hyde around in his arms, feeling guilty for making him cry. Hyde rested his head against his chest, crying bitterly and it tore Gackt's heart to shreds. He began to doubt Hyde could even remember what he had done that night or rather early morning. It all didn't make any sense, but it hadn't made sense before, so Gackt began to really think that Hyde wasn't lying. Gackt shivered and felt warm when he held Hyde so close again and he shifted a little, wrapped his arms around him more closely to show him that he was there - he was there to soothe the pain he had caused. He remembered how it had felt to hold Kei and this felt different, maybe even better. Hyde's sobs grew weaker and soon faded completely, but Gackt kept holding him tightly. "Haido," he whispered softly after a while, still remembering how damn close they had been, remembering how much he had relished that. "Do you remember that you came to me this morning?" He gently rested his head on Hyde's and whispered a kiss to his hair, smiling a little bit. "I've seen you naked today, Haido."

Hyde jerked back out of Gackt's embrace a bit, staring at him wide-eyed. "I didn't ... I just slept the whole night. I didn't leave my room Gackt," he said, convinced that he had stayed in his room, because all he could remember was falling asleep and waking up this late morning. "Did I sleep walk or something?" Naked? Hyde thought horrified. Anyone could have seen him. But no ... that couldn't be because he had been dressed when he had gone to bed and he had been wearing the same things when he woke up. Perhaps Gackt had dressed him again? But still, Hyde had never sleepwalked before, so why should he start now? He didn't have any clue what was happening and then he remembered Gackt's words. 'What game are you playing? I thought you were faithful.' Those words, they meant something and Hyde didn't want to think of what he had said or maybe even done in his sleep. "Did I ... What did I say to you?" He asked hesitantly, humiliated and uncomfortable in Gackt's arms and he felt dreadful as thoughts and feelings crossed his mind that simply couldn’t have happened.

Gackt sighed; he really didn't want to tell Hyde what they had done together, but it really seemed as if Hyde had forgotten everything. He took a deep breath, but didn't let go of Hyde, afraid he could scare him off with his story. "You came to me, saying you were Kei and you wanted to sleep with me." He shook his head at his own words because they sounded so odd. It sounded so strange that he had to tell Hyde what he had done, but he didn't think Hyde was playing some weird game anymore; Gackt was convinced he was serious. "And we ... well, we almost had sex ..." He blushed a little and felt Hyde tense in his embrace. "But I found all this so strange because you kept saying you weren't ... Hyde, but Kei. You wanted me to be Sho, but at the same time you didn't want me to because of some weird reason I don't understand.” He paused for a while and breathed in deeply. "Haido, you ... you were acting so strangely. I told you to leave before we were able to ... let it go too far." Gackt pressed his lips together and carefully watched Hyde's reaction. He was sure Hyde wouldn't believe him - he wouldn’t have believed it either, he could barely believe it even though he had been there. "Don't you remember anything?" he whispered and slowly he began to understand what could be going on.

"I - No ..." Hyde was feeling helpless, disgusted, still hurt for some reason and simply overwhelmed. All those things that Gackt said, he didn't even remember the slightest bit of it although he felt a curious tingle run through himself he couldn’t truly place. Did it even happen or was Gackt trying to mess with him, to get back at him for what he had unconsciously done? That must be it. "You ... you're lying. I would never have sex with you." Hyde said accusingly, blushing a bit too, because after all he didn't know if he wouldn't. The very reason they were awkward around each other might have had something to do with it. There was this tension between them all the time and it wasn't really unpleasant as such, rather a bit uncomfortable because neither knew how to behave properly. "Just tell me what I did and stop telling me lies. I really don't know what I could have done wrong." He didn't want to believe Gackt's words because he was afraid of them. He didn't remember anything he had done, because he had obviously been asleep and never had gone near Gackt's room. But at the same time, he knew some time from before was lost in his memories. Some of his memories were vague, including the ones from being on set. He was afraid that Gackt might be telling the truth some way or another. But he would never sleep with Gackt. Right? He wouldn't. He was married, he was straight for God's sake! Feeling attracted to someone of the same gender doesn't make you bisexual straight away. Hyde would never sleep with Gackt. Never. Gackt had to be lying. He started to pull away from Gackt's embrace, but those strong arms kept him close and what had first felt as a comforting hug, was now turning into something constricting. "I couldn't have ..." but he broke off his sentence helplessly, somewhere deep inside knowing that Gackt was being honest, because the look in his eyes was one of hurt and pity, rather than revenge or sadism. Gackt was being honest and it scared Hyde to do something so drastic, while he was sleeping. Because surely it must have been some kind of sleep walking. A mutual dream perhaps? Yes he could vaguely recall dreaming about Kei when he fell asleep.

Gackt sighed deeply and soon he just let go of Hyde and scratched his head, looking to the ground. "Of course, no, I ... I would never sleep with you as well." He smiled awkwardly, trying to hide his disappointment. "Don't you remember the woman I saw in the lobby? I shared my bed with her that night." He cleared his throat and glanced at the set again. "I was just kidding, Hyde." When Hyde stared at him in disbelief, Gackt felt even worse. Lying about something like that - or pretending to lie about something like that … he bit his lip and pointed at the set again. "We should go back already." Gackt raised a hand but then faltered, forcing himself not to wipe away Hyde's tears although it hurt. Gackt didn't want Hyde to think he was just playing with him as well. "I- Haido ..." He hesitated again; why was it so hard? Why did it have to be so hard for them to get along? Hyde now looked at Gackt again, confusion obvious in his eyes and also annoyance and Gackt could understand that very well. He would have been annoyed as well, but he didn't just want to leave it at that. He didn't want Hyde to think that he was an idiot who shocked him with such a story he had only made up. Yet he didn't know what he was supposed to say. He just looked at Hyde for a while and Hyde looked back. After darting a glance at the set to see that they seemed to have gotten uninteresting for the others, he simply leant over and whispered: "this is what you did to me this night." Then he kissed him. Nothing else, no embracing, just their lips touching. Hyde flinched and Gackt didn't wonder why he fell back after less than a second. He didn't even feel really bad. It was what Hyde - Kei - had done to him that night. Just a kiss. No love, no feeling. Just a kiss.

Hyde stared at Gackt wide-eyed, he didn't know what to believe anymore. He had seen such honesty in Gackt's eyes and now he told him it was all just a joke? After being shouted at, after being humiliated, Gackt had just played around with him like that? How could he do that? And then he had kissed him, telling him it was what he had done that night. Hyde just grew more and more uncertain and he just wanted to run away and cry again. Gackt had made him cry, had comforted him and now Hyde was helpless again because of him. He wanted to go home and wanted to simply forget all this ever happened. He wanted to stay strong, but he couldn't anymore because that just wasn't the kind of person he was, contrary to popular belief. "I just ... I-" and it was too much, trying to remember what he couldn't know, trying to detect where there was truth in Gackt's words and where there were lies. He hadn't thought Gackt would ever lie to him, but he guessed he was mistaken. He was slightly disappointed. "I should go." He said, turning away from Gackt and restraining himself not to seem even more pathetic by running away from the set. He'd drawn enough attention to himself already, had been humiliated enough for one day and so he returned to his hotel room alone, ignoring the people calling him. He fell down on his bed again, his eyes closing to prevent more tears from falling but it didn't help. He was confused. What was happening to him? After a while, Hyde drifted off and when he woke it was evening. Once again it was Kei waking, while Hyde simply slept.