utterly defeated

[gacktgirl732]

I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I'll always never be any good. I want to tell people the truth and make them shut up and listen for once. I want to tell them how horrible i feel. how lonely i feel all the time. how frustrated i am all the time at all of the wrong things that i see around me. how our whole lives are a walking hypocrisy. by law i can't work on someone that has a communicable disease. yet when i politely tell a client something is off (because i can't diagnose anything) yet i get yelled at for telling my client to go see a doctor. i hate feeling like i'm the only person who gives a damn about following the rules anymore. why does no one understand that the rules are there for a reason?! i don't want to go outside my house anymore. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to be within 100 miles of anyone. because all they'll do is lie to me, mistreat me, bully me, and make me do things that i don't want to do just because "it doesn't matter any more". i hate this. I hate that mommy's not here any more. I want to hug mommy. I want to ask her why this world's so wrong. why impatience is valued more than patience. why quality doesn't matter anymore.why dishonesty is commended? why money should matter above all else? what should i do if all my options don't exist? should i quit? should i stay? how come i'm not a very good female? i don't know what to do mommy. i don't understand. tell me waht to do mommy. i'm so lost with out you mommy. i don't understand my purpose in life any more mommy. no one appreciates the things that i do any more mommy. they all tell me that i'm not good enough mommy. why can't i just be me mommy? you always said to me that i was perfect just the way i was. how can i make them understand mommy? mommy i miss you. my body's changing so much mommy. my fingers hurt. are they supposed to do that mommy? my heart hurts sometimes too mommy. so much that i think "what if i'm about to have a heart attack?". i don't want to go yet mommy. i'm so scared mommy. what happens if i become like ben too mommy? what happens if i start to hear voices too mommy? waht if my life is pointless mommy. what do i do if i run out of money mommy? i don't want to be in debt mommy. mommy, every one is leaving me behind. I can't catch up with them mommy. i'm so scared i'll be left all alone again mommy. i don't want to be left alone mommy. I want my friends to always be with me mommy. how do i catch up mommy? i don't understand. why do people have to lie mommy? what do i do if doing what is expected of me isn't the right thing to do mommy? where do i go mommy? i'm so tired of it all mommy. what if i never find the right job for me mommy? what if i don't fit in anywhere mommy? where do i go? how can i be happy again mommy? i haven't had a happy day since you left mommy. please come back mommy. i miss you mommy.

My heartsong:

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