so the other night...
My boss took me to Pho and had a pep talk with me. and everything went well. we talked about alot of things, but again, i felt that i held back a little because i'm not stupid enough to think that if i said the wrong thing to her, i could be fired instantly. As much as she boasts that she 'knows' people at a glance, the thing that baffles me is how little she can see of herself. But maybe it's just like me and that she knows, but ends up not feeling like she does. But somehow on our dinner, we got on the topic of my boy and how he doesn't have a job. She asked the blanket topic of if that bothers me and in such a way i knew that she thought that something was wrong with him, as in i should dump him kind of wrong. But why should i care? logically speaking, he's just slow like i am. that's just the way he is. he does things right the first time rather then jump head long into things. I'm fine with that. and he's currently going to school so he can get a job, so eventually we could go to the next stage, whatever that may be. It's not like he just sits there on his ass all day. Also, he is not being a financial burden on me. I pay for all of my own stuff. All of my own bills. Everything that my puppies need. I pay for everything. So why should i care that he doesn't have a job if he's not living with me? but since she brought that up, why is it constantly on my mind that maybe he isn't right for me...the question nags at my brain, and is brought to the forefront because i have a friend who could be a better 'example'. Do I stay? should i leave for the 'better' one? is this feeling just infatuation? The tingle at being showed cheesy lovey-dovy things? But my guy and I have been through so much together. 9 years of shit. He has proven to be tried and true to me. We still have issues with 100% communication, and it kinda makes me feel mad when he appears to just not care about anything. liek the other day, i asked him how he'd feel if i told him that we were expecting our first child. his answer? "Meh *shrug*". His apathy kills me! It makes me want to lash out at him, but because of my non-combative brain, and the pointlessness at getting mad at him, i never do. I shrink up and roll on my belly. I fuckin hate it! But this other guy can't stop telling me how much I mean to him, how he loves me, and how i'm so beautiful and how he wants to take me. And all of a sudden, i feel suffocated and irritated at how pressured i feel and how clingie he is. I've become my guy to him. So then i question if either would be a good fit? neither would be 100%. it's irritating. And i hate that my boss has made me question what i thought i was ok with. I hate this... I wish i was a guy...