I'm alive
To whomever;
I'm alive and well, so Yeah. I know that I was acting like a stupid kid on Saturday but at least I didn't try to drive home. I am really hard on myself. Yes, drugs and alcohol are bad but I didnt' overdo it. Okay, so I might have over done it. I have a foggy memory of what was said, and what I did. Yes, I know Katt, Sorry, I don't care, Katt. No. I guess I do care.
I'm listening to No Doubt, I don't remember the name of the CD but it's an old one. It has really good music on it. A great CD.
I'm remembering a very foggy conversation Ryan and I had about his birthday and going out with his parents to dinner again. At first I thought it was just a dream, but I'm beginning to believe that it actually happened. The thought put a smile on my face. I spent most of the time I slept in Ryan's arms but I got really hot and went downstairs to get some water adn then just stayed on the couch and fell asleep again.
I just found out something very upsetting today. Something that I am beginnign to blame myself for, even though it wasn't me who did it. A friend of mine just admitted that she thinks that she was raped over the weekend. I'm very worried about her, worried for her, angry with myself. If I ever see this guy, if I meet him, I will castrate him. He'll be a dead fish in my palms.
This day has been going by really fast. Really fast. I've been having these random hot flashes, but that's okay. The weather will be getting cold again. I don't really know what to write about. I have a lot on my mind but there's not much that I can say. Strange. I have so much to talk about, so much to let off my chest and none of it is coming out. I don't know what to do about that. I am sleepy. I think I'll be hanging out a little bit with Kari today. No pot for Gabby but I don't think she wants to go home. I have errands to run. I have to go to Borders for my mom's birthday present and to the bank and target for Patti and Ryan's presents, whatever they will be. I'm a horrible friend. I didn't even decorate Patti's locker. I dont' know, it seems sort of juvenille now, to decorate a locker.
I have a try out date and time for the OBOBA. I'm so nervous and it's on Thursday. I have to practice my ass off when I get home, something I'll be more than happy to do. I can't wait. I am definitely excited. I really hope I get it. I have to get in. I have to or I'll cry. I'll cry and cry and then get drunk and high because I am a coward that can't ever face anything. I'm the kind of drunk that relives every problem, self-uncertainty, bad memory that is lodged in her long term memory. Man, I really play a blame game. It's so stupid. When I get trashed it all comes back. David, fear, blame, guilt. all comes flooding back into my life in the blink of an eye or at least after a couple drinks and a couple really good hits.
Must stop talking like that. There's a good thing, though. I dont' get hungover. I know, I know, Katt. That really isn't somethign I should be happy of or proud of.
Actually, even though I know that you heavily dissaprove of my actions of late, it's really nice to know that you care enough to voice your opinion and hit me when I think about it or talk about it like i'm going to do it again. You're a good friend, one of the best friends I've ever had. You really care and would even tell on me if you thought my life was in danger, that's a good thing. It doesn't make you a snitch, but someone who cares and would do anything, even put the friendship on teh line in order to preserve the other person's life. Thank you. Please don't give up hope in me. I know it will be hard, but please don't give up hope just yet. I can get past all this. I think I can, at least. The question is now, do I want to? I know it doesn't solve any problems but I always feel drawn to it when I'm head over my heels in my problems.
I should go. I think I'm going to read or something. I'm not sure. My stomach hurts. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. Why am I such a bitch? Grrr. I'll talk later!
I'm alive and well, so Yeah. I know that I was acting like a stupid kid on Saturday but at least I didn't try to drive home. I am really hard on myself. Yes, drugs and alcohol are bad but I didnt' overdo it. Okay, so I might have over done it. I have a foggy memory of what was said, and what I did. Yes, I know Katt, Sorry, I don't care, Katt. No. I guess I do care.
I'm listening to No Doubt, I don't remember the name of the CD but it's an old one. It has really good music on it. A great CD.
I'm remembering a very foggy conversation Ryan and I had about his birthday and going out with his parents to dinner again. At first I thought it was just a dream, but I'm beginning to believe that it actually happened. The thought put a smile on my face. I spent most of the time I slept in Ryan's arms but I got really hot and went downstairs to get some water adn then just stayed on the couch and fell asleep again.
I just found out something very upsetting today. Something that I am beginnign to blame myself for, even though it wasn't me who did it. A friend of mine just admitted that she thinks that she was raped over the weekend. I'm very worried about her, worried for her, angry with myself. If I ever see this guy, if I meet him, I will castrate him. He'll be a dead fish in my palms.
This day has been going by really fast. Really fast. I've been having these random hot flashes, but that's okay. The weather will be getting cold again. I don't really know what to write about. I have a lot on my mind but there's not much that I can say. Strange. I have so much to talk about, so much to let off my chest and none of it is coming out. I don't know what to do about that. I am sleepy. I think I'll be hanging out a little bit with Kari today. No pot for Gabby but I don't think she wants to go home. I have errands to run. I have to go to Borders for my mom's birthday present and to the bank and target for Patti and Ryan's presents, whatever they will be. I'm a horrible friend. I didn't even decorate Patti's locker. I dont' know, it seems sort of juvenille now, to decorate a locker.
I have a try out date and time for the OBOBA. I'm so nervous and it's on Thursday. I have to practice my ass off when I get home, something I'll be more than happy to do. I can't wait. I am definitely excited. I really hope I get it. I have to get in. I have to or I'll cry. I'll cry and cry and then get drunk and high because I am a coward that can't ever face anything. I'm the kind of drunk that relives every problem, self-uncertainty, bad memory that is lodged in her long term memory. Man, I really play a blame game. It's so stupid. When I get trashed it all comes back. David, fear, blame, guilt. all comes flooding back into my life in the blink of an eye or at least after a couple drinks and a couple really good hits.
Must stop talking like that. There's a good thing, though. I dont' get hungover. I know, I know, Katt. That really isn't somethign I should be happy of or proud of.
Actually, even though I know that you heavily dissaprove of my actions of late, it's really nice to know that you care enough to voice your opinion and hit me when I think about it or talk about it like i'm going to do it again. You're a good friend, one of the best friends I've ever had. You really care and would even tell on me if you thought my life was in danger, that's a good thing. It doesn't make you a snitch, but someone who cares and would do anything, even put the friendship on teh line in order to preserve the other person's life. Thank you. Please don't give up hope in me. I know it will be hard, but please don't give up hope just yet. I can get past all this. I think I can, at least. The question is now, do I want to? I know it doesn't solve any problems but I always feel drawn to it when I'm head over my heels in my problems.
I should go. I think I'm going to read or something. I'm not sure. My stomach hurts. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. Why am I such a bitch? Grrr. I'll talk later!