Fic: Influence of Demons 10/? - COMMENTARY
A couple people wanted a commentary on the latest chapter of Influence. I'm nothing if not obliging. *g*
Original chapter is here (Chapter Ten: Mind-Fuck). Commentary is below ye ol' cut. My comments are in bold. A bit of fic-spoilers for the next chapter (nothing major). Enjoy!
The scissors sliced through her hair with a crisp cutting noise. Buffy tilted her head forward.
Hair cut!
"Think we should talk about it?" Spike's voice rumbled as he snipped some more of her hair.
"I said no."
One of those dual-meaning things. The last chapter had ended with Buffy requesting that Spike give Jigal a long, slow death. This is the result. Buffy joined in on the torture and got stung by Jigal, who escaped. Spike's broaching the topic of Jigal, but Buffy's steadfastly trying not to discuss it.
At the same time, there's the question of Spike. After getting her Slayer powers back, Buffy's been a bit more militant about the whole "Me Kill Demons" thing. So where does Spike fit in? How does she justify partnering up with him? These are questions Buffy doesn't want to think about.
We'll see these two subjects entwined a lot this chapter.
It was too hot for her hair to be so long. Maybe it was careless to stop for a haircut, but Buffy couldn't travel another inch without getting rid of it. The mass of hair weighed at the back of her neck, soaking up sweat and dirt and exacerbating the heat. No, it had to go.
Inspired by the Texas heat I have to deal with. I recently got a hair cut to get the hair off the back of my neck.
"Not like it's a trifling thing," he said. His fingers were gentle, even as they brushed through tangles.
Gentle fingers. Spike's general treatment of her. Obviously, it's not the best. Spike loses his temper, and he's often cruel to her. It's all about perception, though, and Buffy perceives Spike as being friendly to her overall. Given her typical experience with demons in the past five years, it's all relative.
"I said no."
Her hair collected at her feet.
"Demon of that type can be dangerous."
Again, ostensibly talking about Jigal. But very applicable to Spike.
"Dammit, Spike, I said no!"
As Buffy jerked her head, Spike's hand slipped and cut her upper ear. Blood tickled down.
He was silent and still. Buffy figured he was moping or feeling bad about the cut. He did have that guilty soul, after all. She waited for him to keep cutting her hair, but he made no movement.
It was important to bring up Spike's soul early on to establish it. It features pretty prominently in this chapter.
Finally, she sighed. "It doesn't hurt. Just keep going."
No response.
"Spike, I said keep going." She turned to look at him. A gasp escaped when she saw his demon face. He struck before she could react, sinking fangs into her throat and ripping wildly. Her body fell backward and the impact as she hit the ground jolted her -
And boom! See what happens when you trust a demon?
I must nitpick myself. If Spike's standing behind Buffy and struck at her, she'd fall forward, not backward. Whoops.
***
- awake.
And yes. It was a dream. Yay!
She breathed in reality, but it took a while to settle. Her hand shook as she raised it to wipe the sweat from her brow. Her hair was sticking to her face.
"You still got an hour," Spike called. He was keeping watch. That's what they had to do now. Short stops to rest, taking turns while the other kept watch. They were so close, but Buffy had never felt farther away from home.
Buffy ripped a thin ribbon from her shirt and used it to gather up her hair into a high ponytail. The end of it barely brushed the back of her neck. It felt cooler.
"I think I'm done sleeping," Buffy said. Without warning, she felt bile rise in her throat. In the next moment, she was huddled over, vomiting up her last meal.
Most scenes mention something about Buffy's hair or the back of her neck. It's a running theme. Look at me being all fancy.
Chronologically, this seems to be the beginning of the narrative. Buffy gets sick. They didn't realize how toxic Jigal's poison was, so they were going about business as usual.
***
Killing demons had never been like this. Never been so...long.
Italics are for flashbacks. Fever dreams and reality are in regular style with no real indication as to which is which. That's part of the fun. :)
***
Buffy tripped on a rock. She managed to keep her balance, even though the terrain was precarious. Spike's hand had already grabbed her elbow, though.
She snatched her arm away.
"Just trying to help," Spike said.
"Don't need it," Buffy replied. She pulled her hair over one shoulder, trying to keep the bulk off the back of her neck. It was far too hot for that. Too bad this world didn't seem to have scrunchies.
Spike trying to help; Buffy refusing.
It's a fairly common pattern between them thus far. Spike initially helped her for pretty selfish reasons (he needed her to get home). However, his feelings have shifted to where he'll show genuine concern for Buffy. Buffy, though, has trouble accepting it. Especially now that she has her powers back. Accepting help implies weakness for her.
Also, on another point, this scene is interesting to compare to the previous scene with Buffy waking up. In that scene, she ripped off a piece of her shirt to tie her hair back. In this one, her hair's down and she's wishing for a scrunchie. This scene might well be chronologically before the other one.
"I think we're being followed," Spike said. He'd backed off, keeping a distance between them.
"Of course we are."
Demons always followed her.
The appropriateness of the title comes into play here. Influence of demons. Living among demons for five years. How would that change a person? Especially a former warrior of the people?
***
His lips were gentle on hers. They engaged in a leisurely exploration, synced in time with his hands as they wandered her body.
He was in his vampire face. She traced his fangs with her tongue. So soft. No blood was drawn.
He moved his mouth to her ear and whispered, "I love you."
And sex returns to the fic! This time, though, in the form of a fever dream.
This is very different from the actual sex Buffy and Spike have had. This is lovemaking. Gentle, romantic, ostensibly safe. It's Buffy falling into the fantasy that Spike offers. Of ignoring his demon-nesss and giving in to his cares.
It's important that Spike's in vamp-face throughout this. He's baring himself completely to her, but it doesn't even faze her.
She arched her head back, exposing the curve of her neck as he entered her. His hands hooked under either thigh. His upper body raised enough to gaze down at her as she watched him.
With a thrust, she cried out in pleasure.
With another, she crept her own hands up his chest. She couldn't keep them still.
Another thrust. His yellow eyes half-closed.
And another. She closed her eyes, turning her head to the side.
Another. She opened her eyes when he grabbed her by the hair. His body was right on top of hers. His feral face nose-to-nose with her. There was blood on his fangs now.
"You're a very stupid girl," he said.
Fangs thrust in her throat.
And, of course, this is the fear. That if she's lenient on Spike, she'll end up getting hurt - killed, even.
When she got her powers back, she had a flashback!dream back to when Xander revived her in S1's Prophecy Girl. In the dream, though, she staked Angel without hesitation. That's Buffy's new attitude towards demons. Spike represents a blind spot, and this chapter - as a whole - is showing Buffy's attempt at dealing with that.
***
The shell cracked like a whip or like lightning or a firecracker. Yeah. Like a firecracker with the cinders raining down on her. They burned.
Scenes of Buffy's torture of Jigal are interspersed throughout. Again, showing Buffy's new, brutal attitude.
***
The fire cracked as it danced in front of her. Buffy couldn't remember when he'd made the fire. Her head was frozen thick as ice.
"You need to eat," Spike sat down next to her while handing her a piece of bread. His skin was scalding.
The first scene where it's apparent that something's wrong.
It was hard to gauge how much information to give out and when. How explicit should the backstory be and how much should I leave up to the readers to figure out? I'm a fan of subtle stories that allow the viewer/reader to fill in the gaps and suss things out. Over-explaining can be such an awesome-killer. So I didn't want to flat out tell what was going. However, I tried to leave enough clues so that an attentive reader could figure it out on their own.
Buffy frowned. "Where are we?"
"Close now. Eat."
Getting close to the portal. Yay!
She held the bread but didn't eat. "Things don't make sense. Something happened..."
"Not something you need to worry about now. I'll deal with it."
She shook her head. "I'm the leader, right? We decided - "
"And when the leader's out of commission, which you are, I take the reins. Way it is."
Following up on the last chapter where Buffy won the leadership role via arm wrestling match.
I was hesitant to incapacitate Buffy again here. She's been through so much: forced prostitute, her powers sealed, rough treatment by Spike, the bad trip, etc. It seems a bit overkill to throw some poison at her, too. However, I felt it was the best thing for the story at this point, and I avoided making it a typical hurt/comfort thing. This chapter isn't about Buffy's injury. It's about the feelings and thoughts that the fever stirs up. And by the end, she pulls out of it on her own.
He was drinking some of the stale, congealed blood they had brought with them. He grimaced after each swallow.
"Would you rather have my blood?" she asked without thinking. She remembered him drinking her blood once.
He gave her a look like she was out of her mind. "Right now? Wouldn't drink your blood if you paid me."
These were the first couple lines I wrote for this chapter. It sounds like a harsh response from Spike, but it makes sense once you realize that Buffy has poison in her blood. Of course Spike wouldn't want it.
Buffy squeezed the bread into a tightly compacted lump, then let it fall to the ground. Her stomach flipped. She felt like her insides were doing cartwheels.
This time when she threw up, Spike held her hair away from her face and off her neck. He waited till she was done. She waited for the bite.
Waiting for the bite. Already, Buffy's confusing dreams with reality. This'll just get tricksier later in the chapter.
***
Fire had seemed like a good idea at the time...
***
It didn't come. The bite. Instead, Spike helped her lay back. He brushed the sweaty hair off her face.
She closed her eyes to rest.
***
Even though she had requested that Spike do the deed, she found herself eager to participate. She wanted to be elbow-deep in demon blood and guts and whatever else came inside the crusty exterior. Spike eventually stepped back to let her take over. It's what she had wanted.
Then the sting.
"The sting" is all the description of Buffy's injury that's given. Presumably, Jigal has a stinger of some sort that he finally decided to put to use. He was most likely reluctant to do so seeing as Dehevret wants Buffy and Spike to cross back over, so incapacitating one of them wouldn't be of the good. But his life was in danger, so he opted to go for it.
***
"Bloody annoying, is what it is."
Spike spoke. She kept her eyes closed. He thought she was asleep.
The fire sparked, and Buffy knew that Spike had thrown a stick into it.
"You keep going and going and for five years going. I'm tired of going." He was silent for a long time. Buffy worried that she had fallen asleep. Then he spoke again, "Don't wanna tend to you anymore, Slayer. You're better when you're yanking my chain around. Means I can rest for a while." He chuckled. "Been by myself for five years up till now. Discovered that I'm shit for company. That's why I need you."
The last chapter initially had a lot of this, actually. But my betas were all like, "No! This sucks!" so I took it out and put it in here. :)
Basically, the idea that Spike's tired of being the leader is something that had been explicitly dealt with in the first draft of the last chapter. It didn't quite work there, though, so it got pushed over to this one. I think it works better here, so yay for my betas.
Buffy attempted to keep the expression on her face neutral. The sudden sound of boot on rock alerted her to the fact that Spike was now pacing the cave.
"Problem is, you keep steering me in any which direction! Nagging at me for inane things...that she's alright with! She's human! Got her soul and everything, but you panic when she tries her hand at a bit of torture? Just not fucking reasonable, yelling at me with your fucking arbitrary morality. Tell you what, Slayer's got the right idea. Bit brutal, but needs to be in this fuckhole of a world."
Now he's talking to the soul. Spike's not quite in his right mind in this story. He holds it together well. Usually better than Buffy. But he lets himself slip every now and then - particularly when he thinks Buffy's not paying attention.
Buffy had known he mumbled to himself. She'd never been able to tell what he was saying, though.
"When we get back to our proper world, you're gonna go. Don't fit right here, and I won't need you anymore. Got the Slayer, don't I? She'll let me know what the lines are."
Buffy felt sick again.
Ah, important part here. Buffy the Ruthless is feeling kinda icky about how she's been acting. At the same time, Spike's warming up to the idea of Buffy the Slaughterer, and that affirmation just makes things worse for Buffy. Spike is literally the only support she has right now. She's afraid that he's going to be supporting her dark side.
That soul obviously isn't working out for Spike. The fact that it's someone else's soul means it's fractured. He doesn't feel compelled to listen to it. Indeed, he has something of an antagonistic relationship with it. Methinks this might be important sometime in the future.
***
It was raining now, but she knew it had been for a while.
Water dripped down her hair, coating her skin.
"Quite a deluge, innit, Slayer?" Spike was beside her, but that was new.
Another fever dream, it appears. This one breaks from the pattern, though.
She didn't know how she'd come to the position of pushing a wooden stake up against Spike's chest. Maybe she'd always been doing that.
"You're not gonna do it," Spike told her. His body was relaxed.
"Why do you say that?" Buffy asked.
"Cause I'm the most dangerous demon out there."
Buffy shoved the stake through his heart. His dust mixed with the rain.
Instead of Spike biting her, Buffy dusts Spike in this one. It appropriately comes on the end of Spike's decision that Buffy has the right idea with her torture of demons. Buffy fears that this will eventually lead to Spike's death at her hand.
***
"What time is it?" Buffy rolled over, aware of the mass of sweaty tangles surrounding her head. That damn hair.
"Day," Spike said casually. "Keep resting."
Buffy exhaled an annoyed breath and tried to gather her hair away from the back of her neck. Again. Spike didn't even glance at her.
About at this point, dreams and reality are getting all mix-y. These last couple chunks of scenes are meant to be a bit ambiguous as to what's actually going on. Buffy's perception isn't exactly reliable.
"Have you seen him?"
Jigal, of course.
Spike shook his head.
Her fault, of course.
Of course.
After a few idle minutes, Buffy spoke. "There's a spot...on the back of the neck. I don't know if it's a Slayer thing or a Buffy thing. Maybe both. But it tingles when a demon's around, you know? Maybe vampires have something like it but for Slayers. I don't know." She laughed. "I don't know much."
This became the theme early on. The tingly spot at the back of her neck. It's a bit of fanon (though it's plausible in canon) that Buffy can sense demons somehow. I decided to run with it.
This is her most vulnerable spot. That's where Spike's getting her.
Spike remained silent. Maybe he wasn't listening to her.
She continued. "I still felt it even when they sealed my powers. At first it bothered me. I think the coke kinda helped get rid of it. Or I just didn't notice the nerves on the back of my neck dancing like crazy.
"So I've been noticing it again now. I don't know what to do about it. Almost everywhere we go there are demons. You're a demon. I can't get away from it. It sometimes feels like that spot is my - what do they call it? Achilles Heel? Like it's my most vulnerable spot. If the demons only knew that..."
Buffy shook her head. She'd gotten away from her point. Did she even have a point? She remembered Spike's conversation with himself. That was the point.
She looked back at him. "I can't be your soul, Spike."
Spike's gaze met hers.
Buffy's a smart chica. She knows she can't be responsible for Spike's issues as well as her own.
***
"Let me see."
His hands covered hers, but she held firm, hunched over and trying to keep the scream in. "Spike, he's getting away!"
"Move your bloody hands so I can take a look!"
Bloody hands. Very right. Her hands were covered in black muck. Demon blood.
Spike grabbed her by the back of the neck, sinking fingers into her hair. He yanked hard, pulling her body up and exposing the wound on her abdomen. Buffy yelped.
"Just let me help you, you stupid bint!"
Huh. Spike trying to help Buffy; Buffy refusing to let him; Spike treating her roughly. Seems pretty par for the course with these two.
***
Maybe she's not the one who needed help.
This is something of an important realization for Buffy. Figuring out that Spike may be just as fucked up and in need of help as she is. However, as she told him, she can't be his soul. Just like he can't help her, she can't help him. They have to help themselves. All the other one can do is be there.
"Don't need any soul, much less you acting as one." Spike said.
Defensive, tough act. She was very familiar with that. She stood on shaky legs and started walking towards him.
"You shouldn't be up," he said calmly as he remained where he was.
"I shouldn't be doing a lot of things." Her movement cooled the sweat against her skin, almost like a breeze. It felt good. When she reached Spike, she grabbed his arms to steady herself. He still hadn't moved. "This is usually where you bite me," she said.
"You're off your nut."
"No. I just think I love you."
The back of her neck wasn't tingling.
This is intended to be the big, "Was this real or not?" scene. It's Buffy's confession of love, ostensibly. Course, the next chapter's gonna be from Spike's viewpoint, so it'll be immediately apparent that this is reality.
Where does the confession come from? It may seem a bit out of the blue, but it's really just the natural conclusion of everything that's happened. Buffy realizing that Spike's in that vulnerable spot and that she doesn't mind (the back of her neck's not tingling). If she's accepting him, there has to be a reason for it. The reason? She loves him.
It's interesting to write these two in this fic as they're so desperately fucked up. Both separately and together. How does any sort of kinda-healthy relationship come out of something like this? How do these two damaged people manage to work things out? I don't think it's necessarily a romance. That's not quite the best way to think of this love. This is the love of survivors clinging to each other for support. The big question from this point on will be: Does this all mean anything outside of this universe? What happens when they get back to Sunnydale?
***
Buffy's eyes were fuzzy like they'd been closed for far, far too long.
"Finally." Spike came marching towards her and laid a cool hand on her forehead. "Fever's just about gone. Wish we could afford some recovery time for you, but - "
"Dehevret?" Buffy's voice was scratchy with disuse.
Spike nodded. "How're your muscles? You up for the walk?"
I kinda like the no-nonsense, no-fuss quality to this scene. Buffy just wakes up, her fever's gone, and they have to keep moving. There's no rest for them. They're beaten, battered, and halfway around the mental bend, but they just keep going. That's strength.
Buffy stretched. She was sore with that feeling of malaise that comes after an illness. But she'd be able to work through it.
"Hey," she said while standing. "I didn't say or do anything embarrassing, did I? I think I was pretty out of it."
Spike had turned his attention away from her. Instead, he was packing everything back into the duffel. "You slept most of the time. Nothing interesting." He straightened up. "Ready?"
Buffy knew he was lying, but she decided to ignore it. She probably didn't want to know anyway.
And the inevitable disavowal of aforementioned declaration. Yep.
tbc...
Original chapter is here (Chapter Ten: Mind-Fuck). Commentary is below ye ol' cut. My comments are in bold. A bit of fic-spoilers for the next chapter (nothing major). Enjoy!
The scissors sliced through her hair with a crisp cutting noise. Buffy tilted her head forward.
Hair cut!
"Think we should talk about it?" Spike's voice rumbled as he snipped some more of her hair.
"I said no."
One of those dual-meaning things. The last chapter had ended with Buffy requesting that Spike give Jigal a long, slow death. This is the result. Buffy joined in on the torture and got stung by Jigal, who escaped. Spike's broaching the topic of Jigal, but Buffy's steadfastly trying not to discuss it.
At the same time, there's the question of Spike. After getting her Slayer powers back, Buffy's been a bit more militant about the whole "Me Kill Demons" thing. So where does Spike fit in? How does she justify partnering up with him? These are questions Buffy doesn't want to think about.
We'll see these two subjects entwined a lot this chapter.
It was too hot for her hair to be so long. Maybe it was careless to stop for a haircut, but Buffy couldn't travel another inch without getting rid of it. The mass of hair weighed at the back of her neck, soaking up sweat and dirt and exacerbating the heat. No, it had to go.
Inspired by the Texas heat I have to deal with. I recently got a hair cut to get the hair off the back of my neck.
"Not like it's a trifling thing," he said. His fingers were gentle, even as they brushed through tangles.
Gentle fingers. Spike's general treatment of her. Obviously, it's not the best. Spike loses his temper, and he's often cruel to her. It's all about perception, though, and Buffy perceives Spike as being friendly to her overall. Given her typical experience with demons in the past five years, it's all relative.
"I said no."
Her hair collected at her feet.
"Demon of that type can be dangerous."
Again, ostensibly talking about Jigal. But very applicable to Spike.
"Dammit, Spike, I said no!"
As Buffy jerked her head, Spike's hand slipped and cut her upper ear. Blood tickled down.
He was silent and still. Buffy figured he was moping or feeling bad about the cut. He did have that guilty soul, after all. She waited for him to keep cutting her hair, but he made no movement.
It was important to bring up Spike's soul early on to establish it. It features pretty prominently in this chapter.
Finally, she sighed. "It doesn't hurt. Just keep going."
No response.
"Spike, I said keep going." She turned to look at him. A gasp escaped when she saw his demon face. He struck before she could react, sinking fangs into her throat and ripping wildly. Her body fell backward and the impact as she hit the ground jolted her -
And boom! See what happens when you trust a demon?
I must nitpick myself. If Spike's standing behind Buffy and struck at her, she'd fall forward, not backward. Whoops.
***
- awake.
And yes. It was a dream. Yay!
She breathed in reality, but it took a while to settle. Her hand shook as she raised it to wipe the sweat from her brow. Her hair was sticking to her face.
"You still got an hour," Spike called. He was keeping watch. That's what they had to do now. Short stops to rest, taking turns while the other kept watch. They were so close, but Buffy had never felt farther away from home.
Buffy ripped a thin ribbon from her shirt and used it to gather up her hair into a high ponytail. The end of it barely brushed the back of her neck. It felt cooler.
"I think I'm done sleeping," Buffy said. Without warning, she felt bile rise in her throat. In the next moment, she was huddled over, vomiting up her last meal.
Most scenes mention something about Buffy's hair or the back of her neck. It's a running theme. Look at me being all fancy.
Chronologically, this seems to be the beginning of the narrative. Buffy gets sick. They didn't realize how toxic Jigal's poison was, so they were going about business as usual.
***
Killing demons had never been like this. Never been so...long.
Italics are for flashbacks. Fever dreams and reality are in regular style with no real indication as to which is which. That's part of the fun. :)
***
Buffy tripped on a rock. She managed to keep her balance, even though the terrain was precarious. Spike's hand had already grabbed her elbow, though.
She snatched her arm away.
"Just trying to help," Spike said.
"Don't need it," Buffy replied. She pulled her hair over one shoulder, trying to keep the bulk off the back of her neck. It was far too hot for that. Too bad this world didn't seem to have scrunchies.
Spike trying to help; Buffy refusing.
It's a fairly common pattern between them thus far. Spike initially helped her for pretty selfish reasons (he needed her to get home). However, his feelings have shifted to where he'll show genuine concern for Buffy. Buffy, though, has trouble accepting it. Especially now that she has her powers back. Accepting help implies weakness for her.
Also, on another point, this scene is interesting to compare to the previous scene with Buffy waking up. In that scene, she ripped off a piece of her shirt to tie her hair back. In this one, her hair's down and she's wishing for a scrunchie. This scene might well be chronologically before the other one.
"I think we're being followed," Spike said. He'd backed off, keeping a distance between them.
"Of course we are."
Demons always followed her.
The appropriateness of the title comes into play here. Influence of demons. Living among demons for five years. How would that change a person? Especially a former warrior of the people?
***
His lips were gentle on hers. They engaged in a leisurely exploration, synced in time with his hands as they wandered her body.
He was in his vampire face. She traced his fangs with her tongue. So soft. No blood was drawn.
He moved his mouth to her ear and whispered, "I love you."
And sex returns to the fic! This time, though, in the form of a fever dream.
This is very different from the actual sex Buffy and Spike have had. This is lovemaking. Gentle, romantic, ostensibly safe. It's Buffy falling into the fantasy that Spike offers. Of ignoring his demon-nesss and giving in to his cares.
It's important that Spike's in vamp-face throughout this. He's baring himself completely to her, but it doesn't even faze her.
She arched her head back, exposing the curve of her neck as he entered her. His hands hooked under either thigh. His upper body raised enough to gaze down at her as she watched him.
With a thrust, she cried out in pleasure.
With another, she crept her own hands up his chest. She couldn't keep them still.
Another thrust. His yellow eyes half-closed.
And another. She closed her eyes, turning her head to the side.
Another. She opened her eyes when he grabbed her by the hair. His body was right on top of hers. His feral face nose-to-nose with her. There was blood on his fangs now.
"You're a very stupid girl," he said.
Fangs thrust in her throat.
And, of course, this is the fear. That if she's lenient on Spike, she'll end up getting hurt - killed, even.
When she got her powers back, she had a flashback!dream back to when Xander revived her in S1's Prophecy Girl. In the dream, though, she staked Angel without hesitation. That's Buffy's new attitude towards demons. Spike represents a blind spot, and this chapter - as a whole - is showing Buffy's attempt at dealing with that.
***
The shell cracked like a whip or like lightning or a firecracker. Yeah. Like a firecracker with the cinders raining down on her. They burned.
Scenes of Buffy's torture of Jigal are interspersed throughout. Again, showing Buffy's new, brutal attitude.
***
The fire cracked as it danced in front of her. Buffy couldn't remember when he'd made the fire. Her head was frozen thick as ice.
"You need to eat," Spike sat down next to her while handing her a piece of bread. His skin was scalding.
The first scene where it's apparent that something's wrong.
It was hard to gauge how much information to give out and when. How explicit should the backstory be and how much should I leave up to the readers to figure out? I'm a fan of subtle stories that allow the viewer/reader to fill in the gaps and suss things out. Over-explaining can be such an awesome-killer. So I didn't want to flat out tell what was going. However, I tried to leave enough clues so that an attentive reader could figure it out on their own.
Buffy frowned. "Where are we?"
"Close now. Eat."
Getting close to the portal. Yay!
She held the bread but didn't eat. "Things don't make sense. Something happened..."
"Not something you need to worry about now. I'll deal with it."
She shook her head. "I'm the leader, right? We decided - "
"And when the leader's out of commission, which you are, I take the reins. Way it is."
Following up on the last chapter where Buffy won the leadership role via arm wrestling match.
I was hesitant to incapacitate Buffy again here. She's been through so much: forced prostitute, her powers sealed, rough treatment by Spike, the bad trip, etc. It seems a bit overkill to throw some poison at her, too. However, I felt it was the best thing for the story at this point, and I avoided making it a typical hurt/comfort thing. This chapter isn't about Buffy's injury. It's about the feelings and thoughts that the fever stirs up. And by the end, she pulls out of it on her own.
He was drinking some of the stale, congealed blood they had brought with them. He grimaced after each swallow.
"Would you rather have my blood?" she asked without thinking. She remembered him drinking her blood once.
He gave her a look like she was out of her mind. "Right now? Wouldn't drink your blood if you paid me."
These were the first couple lines I wrote for this chapter. It sounds like a harsh response from Spike, but it makes sense once you realize that Buffy has poison in her blood. Of course Spike wouldn't want it.
Buffy squeezed the bread into a tightly compacted lump, then let it fall to the ground. Her stomach flipped. She felt like her insides were doing cartwheels.
This time when she threw up, Spike held her hair away from her face and off her neck. He waited till she was done. She waited for the bite.
Waiting for the bite. Already, Buffy's confusing dreams with reality. This'll just get tricksier later in the chapter.
***
Fire had seemed like a good idea at the time...
***
It didn't come. The bite. Instead, Spike helped her lay back. He brushed the sweaty hair off her face.
She closed her eyes to rest.
***
Even though she had requested that Spike do the deed, she found herself eager to participate. She wanted to be elbow-deep in demon blood and guts and whatever else came inside the crusty exterior. Spike eventually stepped back to let her take over. It's what she had wanted.
Then the sting.
"The sting" is all the description of Buffy's injury that's given. Presumably, Jigal has a stinger of some sort that he finally decided to put to use. He was most likely reluctant to do so seeing as Dehevret wants Buffy and Spike to cross back over, so incapacitating one of them wouldn't be of the good. But his life was in danger, so he opted to go for it.
***
"Bloody annoying, is what it is."
Spike spoke. She kept her eyes closed. He thought she was asleep.
The fire sparked, and Buffy knew that Spike had thrown a stick into it.
"You keep going and going and for five years going. I'm tired of going." He was silent for a long time. Buffy worried that she had fallen asleep. Then he spoke again, "Don't wanna tend to you anymore, Slayer. You're better when you're yanking my chain around. Means I can rest for a while." He chuckled. "Been by myself for five years up till now. Discovered that I'm shit for company. That's why I need you."
The last chapter initially had a lot of this, actually. But my betas were all like, "No! This sucks!" so I took it out and put it in here. :)
Basically, the idea that Spike's tired of being the leader is something that had been explicitly dealt with in the first draft of the last chapter. It didn't quite work there, though, so it got pushed over to this one. I think it works better here, so yay for my betas.
Buffy attempted to keep the expression on her face neutral. The sudden sound of boot on rock alerted her to the fact that Spike was now pacing the cave.
"Problem is, you keep steering me in any which direction! Nagging at me for inane things...that she's alright with! She's human! Got her soul and everything, but you panic when she tries her hand at a bit of torture? Just not fucking reasonable, yelling at me with your fucking arbitrary morality. Tell you what, Slayer's got the right idea. Bit brutal, but needs to be in this fuckhole of a world."
Now he's talking to the soul. Spike's not quite in his right mind in this story. He holds it together well. Usually better than Buffy. But he lets himself slip every now and then - particularly when he thinks Buffy's not paying attention.
Buffy had known he mumbled to himself. She'd never been able to tell what he was saying, though.
"When we get back to our proper world, you're gonna go. Don't fit right here, and I won't need you anymore. Got the Slayer, don't I? She'll let me know what the lines are."
Buffy felt sick again.
Ah, important part here. Buffy the Ruthless is feeling kinda icky about how she's been acting. At the same time, Spike's warming up to the idea of Buffy the Slaughterer, and that affirmation just makes things worse for Buffy. Spike is literally the only support she has right now. She's afraid that he's going to be supporting her dark side.
That soul obviously isn't working out for Spike. The fact that it's someone else's soul means it's fractured. He doesn't feel compelled to listen to it. Indeed, he has something of an antagonistic relationship with it. Methinks this might be important sometime in the future.
***
It was raining now, but she knew it had been for a while.
Water dripped down her hair, coating her skin.
"Quite a deluge, innit, Slayer?" Spike was beside her, but that was new.
Another fever dream, it appears. This one breaks from the pattern, though.
She didn't know how she'd come to the position of pushing a wooden stake up against Spike's chest. Maybe she'd always been doing that.
"You're not gonna do it," Spike told her. His body was relaxed.
"Why do you say that?" Buffy asked.
"Cause I'm the most dangerous demon out there."
Buffy shoved the stake through his heart. His dust mixed with the rain.
Instead of Spike biting her, Buffy dusts Spike in this one. It appropriately comes on the end of Spike's decision that Buffy has the right idea with her torture of demons. Buffy fears that this will eventually lead to Spike's death at her hand.
***
"What time is it?" Buffy rolled over, aware of the mass of sweaty tangles surrounding her head. That damn hair.
"Day," Spike said casually. "Keep resting."
Buffy exhaled an annoyed breath and tried to gather her hair away from the back of her neck. Again. Spike didn't even glance at her.
About at this point, dreams and reality are getting all mix-y. These last couple chunks of scenes are meant to be a bit ambiguous as to what's actually going on. Buffy's perception isn't exactly reliable.
"Have you seen him?"
Jigal, of course.
Spike shook his head.
Her fault, of course.
Of course.
After a few idle minutes, Buffy spoke. "There's a spot...on the back of the neck. I don't know if it's a Slayer thing or a Buffy thing. Maybe both. But it tingles when a demon's around, you know? Maybe vampires have something like it but for Slayers. I don't know." She laughed. "I don't know much."
This became the theme early on. The tingly spot at the back of her neck. It's a bit of fanon (though it's plausible in canon) that Buffy can sense demons somehow. I decided to run with it.
This is her most vulnerable spot. That's where Spike's getting her.
Spike remained silent. Maybe he wasn't listening to her.
She continued. "I still felt it even when they sealed my powers. At first it bothered me. I think the coke kinda helped get rid of it. Or I just didn't notice the nerves on the back of my neck dancing like crazy.
"So I've been noticing it again now. I don't know what to do about it. Almost everywhere we go there are demons. You're a demon. I can't get away from it. It sometimes feels like that spot is my - what do they call it? Achilles Heel? Like it's my most vulnerable spot. If the demons only knew that..."
Buffy shook her head. She'd gotten away from her point. Did she even have a point? She remembered Spike's conversation with himself. That was the point.
She looked back at him. "I can't be your soul, Spike."
Spike's gaze met hers.
Buffy's a smart chica. She knows she can't be responsible for Spike's issues as well as her own.
***
"Let me see."
His hands covered hers, but she held firm, hunched over and trying to keep the scream in. "Spike, he's getting away!"
"Move your bloody hands so I can take a look!"
Bloody hands. Very right. Her hands were covered in black muck. Demon blood.
Spike grabbed her by the back of the neck, sinking fingers into her hair. He yanked hard, pulling her body up and exposing the wound on her abdomen. Buffy yelped.
"Just let me help you, you stupid bint!"
Huh. Spike trying to help Buffy; Buffy refusing to let him; Spike treating her roughly. Seems pretty par for the course with these two.
***
Maybe she's not the one who needed help.
This is something of an important realization for Buffy. Figuring out that Spike may be just as fucked up and in need of help as she is. However, as she told him, she can't be his soul. Just like he can't help her, she can't help him. They have to help themselves. All the other one can do is be there.
"Don't need any soul, much less you acting as one." Spike said.
Defensive, tough act. She was very familiar with that. She stood on shaky legs and started walking towards him.
"You shouldn't be up," he said calmly as he remained where he was.
"I shouldn't be doing a lot of things." Her movement cooled the sweat against her skin, almost like a breeze. It felt good. When she reached Spike, she grabbed his arms to steady herself. He still hadn't moved. "This is usually where you bite me," she said.
"You're off your nut."
"No. I just think I love you."
The back of her neck wasn't tingling.
This is intended to be the big, "Was this real or not?" scene. It's Buffy's confession of love, ostensibly. Course, the next chapter's gonna be from Spike's viewpoint, so it'll be immediately apparent that this is reality.
Where does the confession come from? It may seem a bit out of the blue, but it's really just the natural conclusion of everything that's happened. Buffy realizing that Spike's in that vulnerable spot and that she doesn't mind (the back of her neck's not tingling). If she's accepting him, there has to be a reason for it. The reason? She loves him.
It's interesting to write these two in this fic as they're so desperately fucked up. Both separately and together. How does any sort of kinda-healthy relationship come out of something like this? How do these two damaged people manage to work things out? I don't think it's necessarily a romance. That's not quite the best way to think of this love. This is the love of survivors clinging to each other for support. The big question from this point on will be: Does this all mean anything outside of this universe? What happens when they get back to Sunnydale?
***
Buffy's eyes were fuzzy like they'd been closed for far, far too long.
"Finally." Spike came marching towards her and laid a cool hand on her forehead. "Fever's just about gone. Wish we could afford some recovery time for you, but - "
"Dehevret?" Buffy's voice was scratchy with disuse.
Spike nodded. "How're your muscles? You up for the walk?"
I kinda like the no-nonsense, no-fuss quality to this scene. Buffy just wakes up, her fever's gone, and they have to keep moving. There's no rest for them. They're beaten, battered, and halfway around the mental bend, but they just keep going. That's strength.
Buffy stretched. She was sore with that feeling of malaise that comes after an illness. But she'd be able to work through it.
"Hey," she said while standing. "I didn't say or do anything embarrassing, did I? I think I was pretty out of it."
Spike had turned his attention away from her. Instead, he was packing everything back into the duffel. "You slept most of the time. Nothing interesting." He straightened up. "Ready?"
Buffy knew he was lying, but she decided to ignore it. She probably didn't want to know anyway.
And the inevitable disavowal of aforementioned declaration. Yep.
tbc...