Dude, not cool.
Ack. So, rant on.
Right, so I was reading a post where the author made a pretty simple statement: You probably know someone who has raped. And the commenters were...stunningly resistant to the idea.
So can we at least accept that each one of us probably knows someone who's been raped, even if they haven't told us? Simple statistics make it very unlikely that this is not true.
That being the case, who the hell do you think is raping them? Dimension-wandering aliens? Men from Pluto? Solitary men who have no friends, whatsoever?
Most rapes are committed by someone known to the victim (I've seen stats range from 70% to 80%). So it's extremely likely that you know someone who has been raped by someone they know. And if you know them, it's also likely you know the person that raped them. And you know what else is likely? That you don't know! Because, these people don't walk around with the label "Rapist" tattooed on their forehead (though it would be handy if they did).
When I used to work in merchandise, there was a guy I knew who worked in another department. I knew his wife (worked with her), and I was good friends with both of them. This guy was the sweetest, gentlest guy in the world. I would have laughed if somebody had accused him of any form of violence because he was just such a nice guy!
One day I was hanging out with him and another, mutual (male) friend of ours. And the nice, sweet, gentle guy was joking around and told us about how he was having sex with his wife and having to hold her down and then she started crying.
And I was stunned cause...nice guy! I knew him! And what he was telling me was clearly rape.
I couldn't think of anything to say because I was so floored. The friend that was also there just frowned and said, "Dude, not cool," and walked away. I followed him.
So even though you don't think you know somebody who has raped, you probably do. And you know what? You probably think they're a decent, nice guy. But you wanna know what else? We have a culture that perpetuates and encourages rape. So even otherwise decent guys see rape as acceptable. And that's why you've seen women calling for men to speak out. Because these men won't listen to us womenfolk. They'll listen to their buddies. They'll listen to other men who tell them "Not cool" when they make comments that perpetuate rape culture.
When a guy is in a bar and talks about plying a girl with drinks so he can get laid, his buddy can step in and go, "Dude, not cool."
When a guy comments that a girl, for whatever reason, "needs to get laid/fucked", his buddy can stop and go, "Dude, not cool."
When a guy is talking about how his girlfriend/wife wasn't in the mood, but he put it to her anyway, his buddy can speak up and go, "Dude, not cool."
When a guy is saying a girl who's drinking/wearing a short skirt/being flirty is "asking for it", his buddy can raise an eyebrow and go, "Dude, not cool."
Because it's these attitudes that make people complacent about rape. It's these attitudes that bias juries against victims from the get-go and make it difficult to get convictions for the few rapes that are reported. It's these attitudes that make men think they can get away with rape. Or that they're entitled to sex from a woman on demand.
And they should know better. And if you do know better, you can apply some positive peer pressure to let them know that...well...it's not cool.
Oh, right, you don't hang around those types of people. You never hear talk like that! I obviously hang out with a bad crowd.
I'll call bullshit. Really. Because I think it's far more likely that you don't notice that sort of talk. Because it doesn't affect you. Because you can get away with not noticing it. Because it's so common in the media that it just becomes "normal".
I have heard this sort of talk. And I'm a chick. I've heard it in a variety of social circles. Among low-income folks, people in academics, office talk, through casual acquaintances, in bars, etc. I'm not hanging out with the "wrong" people. I'm hanging out with people. And I'm just more clued in to this stuff because when a guy notes that an uptight girl needs to get laid, it pings me that he could very well be saying that about me when I leave. When I hear a guy talk about "loosening up" a girl with some drinks, I know that he could try that same "technique" on me if he gets the mind to do so.
And you know what? Often? I don't say anything. Because when they make comments like that, they prove that they don't give a shit about women. They prove that they wouldn't listen to me if I did say something. So why make myself a target for their defensive hostility? No, I leave as soon as I can.
But you wanna know something else? If I'm around a guy making comments like that, and his male friend called him on it...I'd feel a whole hell of a lot better. Because I'd know there was a guy there that did care and that would probably have my back if something came up. And while I'd likely not hang out with the original guy making the comments, I'd be completely okay chilling with the guy that spoke up.
Listen. Call guys out when they're being douchebags. Cause it's just not cool, dude.
Right, so I was reading a post where the author made a pretty simple statement: You probably know someone who has raped. And the commenters were...stunningly resistant to the idea.
So can we at least accept that each one of us probably knows someone who's been raped, even if they haven't told us? Simple statistics make it very unlikely that this is not true.
That being the case, who the hell do you think is raping them? Dimension-wandering aliens? Men from Pluto? Solitary men who have no friends, whatsoever?
Most rapes are committed by someone known to the victim (I've seen stats range from 70% to 80%). So it's extremely likely that you know someone who has been raped by someone they know. And if you know them, it's also likely you know the person that raped them. And you know what else is likely? That you don't know! Because, these people don't walk around with the label "Rapist" tattooed on their forehead (though it would be handy if they did).
When I used to work in merchandise, there was a guy I knew who worked in another department. I knew his wife (worked with her), and I was good friends with both of them. This guy was the sweetest, gentlest guy in the world. I would have laughed if somebody had accused him of any form of violence because he was just such a nice guy!
One day I was hanging out with him and another, mutual (male) friend of ours. And the nice, sweet, gentle guy was joking around and told us about how he was having sex with his wife and having to hold her down and then she started crying.
And I was stunned cause...nice guy! I knew him! And what he was telling me was clearly rape.
I couldn't think of anything to say because I was so floored. The friend that was also there just frowned and said, "Dude, not cool," and walked away. I followed him.
So even though you don't think you know somebody who has raped, you probably do. And you know what? You probably think they're a decent, nice guy. But you wanna know what else? We have a culture that perpetuates and encourages rape. So even otherwise decent guys see rape as acceptable. And that's why you've seen women calling for men to speak out. Because these men won't listen to us womenfolk. They'll listen to their buddies. They'll listen to other men who tell them "Not cool" when they make comments that perpetuate rape culture.
When a guy is in a bar and talks about plying a girl with drinks so he can get laid, his buddy can step in and go, "Dude, not cool."
When a guy comments that a girl, for whatever reason, "needs to get laid/fucked", his buddy can stop and go, "Dude, not cool."
When a guy is talking about how his girlfriend/wife wasn't in the mood, but he put it to her anyway, his buddy can speak up and go, "Dude, not cool."
When a guy is saying a girl who's drinking/wearing a short skirt/being flirty is "asking for it", his buddy can raise an eyebrow and go, "Dude, not cool."
Because it's these attitudes that make people complacent about rape. It's these attitudes that bias juries against victims from the get-go and make it difficult to get convictions for the few rapes that are reported. It's these attitudes that make men think they can get away with rape. Or that they're entitled to sex from a woman on demand.
And they should know better. And if you do know better, you can apply some positive peer pressure to let them know that...well...it's not cool.
Oh, right, you don't hang around those types of people. You never hear talk like that! I obviously hang out with a bad crowd.
I'll call bullshit. Really. Because I think it's far more likely that you don't notice that sort of talk. Because it doesn't affect you. Because you can get away with not noticing it. Because it's so common in the media that it just becomes "normal".
I have heard this sort of talk. And I'm a chick. I've heard it in a variety of social circles. Among low-income folks, people in academics, office talk, through casual acquaintances, in bars, etc. I'm not hanging out with the "wrong" people. I'm hanging out with people. And I'm just more clued in to this stuff because when a guy notes that an uptight girl needs to get laid, it pings me that he could very well be saying that about me when I leave. When I hear a guy talk about "loosening up" a girl with some drinks, I know that he could try that same "technique" on me if he gets the mind to do so.
And you know what? Often? I don't say anything. Because when they make comments like that, they prove that they don't give a shit about women. They prove that they wouldn't listen to me if I did say something. So why make myself a target for their defensive hostility? No, I leave as soon as I can.
But you wanna know something else? If I'm around a guy making comments like that, and his male friend called him on it...I'd feel a whole hell of a lot better. Because I'd know there was a guy there that did care and that would probably have my back if something came up. And while I'd likely not hang out with the original guy making the comments, I'd be completely okay chilling with the guy that spoke up.
Listen. Call guys out when they're being douchebags. Cause it's just not cool, dude.