Godzilla vs King Ghidorah
Jahn and I have thus far failed in our efforts to get a copy of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, so you lot are denied that particular gem for the time being. Instead you get this, a nonsensical piece of shit whose stupidity we could not approach even if we were trying.
So, it's 1992 and the people of Japan are tooling around doing whatever it is that Japanese people do. When SUDDENLY! A spaceship appears! And disappears! Only to later be found parked in an open clearing next to a heavily populated area and a highway. I would make the obligatory joke about arses and both hands, but the Japanese have enough problems finding Godzilla in Tokyo on a good day, so I'll let it slide.
GASP! People appear! Turns out the bloody thing isn't a spaceship (which is a nice change form the usual alien monster mash) and is in fact a time traveling device. From the 23rd century! Where Godzilla has apparently destroyed Japan. Good god, he must have finally eaten the bastards who can rebuild Tokyo in a day. Also, apparently radiation makes you immortal. But who cares?! The People of the Future (POTF) have a plan. Of course they do...they want to go back to WW2 and take care of the creature that would become Godzilla.
Wait, what? I thought Godzilla was a mutated lizard from an island of nuclear test...fuck it. This movie fucks little things like plot continuity so hard you can hear the Muses themselves wondering just what Aphrodite slipped in their drinks this night. Anyway, before he became a laser breathing doom machine, Godzilla was apparently a wee dinosaur on some shitty island who defended Japanese soldiers from attack by US Marines.
Yes, you read the above right. Godzilla, friend to Japanese Soldiers. And small children. Take that you lumbering space turtle! Anyway, leaving aside the many issues involved with having He Who Eats Tokyo fighting on the side of the Japanese, the POTF rock up in their time travel thingamybob. You'd think a little thing like a spaceship tooling around over the heads of a US fleet would bother someone, but not our intrepidly dumb Americans. Now, because I hate you all only marginally less than I hate Jahn, have the following piece of conversation between two US Navy officers verbatim:
Deadshit 1: That looked to me like it was from another planet..
Deadshit 2: It did look like it was from another planet. Should we report it?
D1: What, that we're being invaded by little green men from outer space? We'll just keep it our little secret. You can just tell your son about it when he's born...Major Spielberg.
GWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...
Ok, I've destroyed a wall with my head. All is good. Anyway, Godzilla saves the Japanese men, but is mortally wounded in the process. They fuck off, the POTF teleport G's corpse to the Bering Sea (or Baring Sea, not sure on the spelling there) and nick off back to the future. but before they go, they leave three cute little gremlin like creatures...
Yeah, to fuckery with actual ominous plotting or indeed actual writing techniques. Surprise surprise, the little shits get nuked and become King Ghidorah, who promptly lays waste to all around him. Double surprise-the POTF planned this! Urgh. And why the sudden but inevitable betrayal?
Well, in the future, Godzilla didn't actually destroy Japan. Instead, Japan became so rich and powerful that they basically bought the world, and the POTF are here to burn Japan to the ground to try and prevent that. Japan bought the world hey? That sound you're hearing now? It's the writers masturbating so furiously they could power a small reactor just with their own friction.
Leaving that charming image well behind us, our intrepid heroes and the inevitable flaky girl on the POTF side who doesn't think rampant destruction is a good way to mess with the time/space continuum decide to bring back Godzilla. Fair enough, the Self Defence Force can't even deal with Mothra, how they're going to deal with a real threat is beyond anyone. So, getting access to a nuclear submarine owned by some corporate CEO (who conveniently was saved by Godzilla in WW2) and go to the Bering Sea to nuke the corpse and hope it becomes Godzilla.
But wait! The Corpse is Godzilla! And bigger and meaner to boot! GASP TWICE! How could this have possibly happened? I call bullshit, but the writers power ahead, unencumbered by puny concepts such as making sense. Basically, a Soviet sub crashed in the 70's and created this Godzilla (different to the one who was just wiped out of existence...that everyone still remembers with alarming clarity) who chose now as a convenient point to get his reptilian arse off the seabed and go stomp shit.
Anyway, I'm going to fast forward the rest. Godzilla kills King Ghidorah and the POTF, minus the flaky girl. He moves on to stomp Japan, while flaky girl and co take the remaining time machine, go to the future, grab Ghidorah's corpse, and create Mecha-Ghidorah. They return, fight Godzilla, lose again. Movie ends with Godzilla at the bottom of the ocean having trounced all who stand in his way.
Now, I'm actually going to leave aside the potentially hilarious issue of Proto-Godzilla defending Japanese troops in favour of something much nearer to my sense of rage, the time travel bullshit. And the rampant wankery.
First, wankery. So, in the future, Japan becomes powerful enough to buy the world? See the above masturbation comment. Also, in the present, a corporate CEO has his own nuclear submarine? Sweet merciful fuckery, I understand the power of plotonium in all it's bullshit forms, but was it so hard to just say the military had one? It's almost like you can feel the full force of Japanese Nationalism trying to emerge from hiding in a manner not akin to American heroes draping the flag around their biceps and punching Arabs in the face.
And straight to the time travel aspect! Mainly, if you're going to have time travel be an important feature of your story, it might be a good idea to establish something resembling internal consistency regarding your time travel. In this film, due to the POTF, Godzilla never emerged to do his 1954 rampage, or indeed any rampage. Yet, everyone remembered Godzilla and his destruction perfectly. Hell, the anti-Godzilla task force still existed. Because they destroyed Godzilla in 1954, except that they didn't. See where we're going here? Fuck, in the 50 years between WW2 and present they must have done something amazing to justify their continued existence.
Anyway, that's it. A steaming piece of shit masquerading as a film. I will give it points for being a Godzilla movie that attempted complex plot instead of just having a monster mash, except that the writers were so goddamned lazy that this really doesn't count as an actual attempt. Which would mean no points, but Future Me has informed Past Me that Present Me is a tool and his opinions should be discounted. Except that they won't be, because neither of them can affect the past, present or future. Dozy shits. Next movie I promise will have actual human characters, if only because I'd like to tear apart atrocious dialogue and acting instead of pretending that we're not all here to see the big rubber monster.